Just A Girl Who Wants to Change the World

hmmm...

2012-01-21T13:09:00.003-07:00

One day your sitting here...then your sitting there...and then all of a sudden you feel nowhere. So much change that your mind is spinning. And somewhere in there you lost yourself.

Life can be overwhelming and sometimes your not sure if your making the right choices. You just have to trust you know what your doing.

Figured it out

2012-01-18T20:45:00.003-07:00

Yay I figured out which email and stuff I used to get on to my blog so here I am again blogging here. So check back for updates soon.

Things I have learned in Montreal

2011-10-08T19:52:00.004-06:00

Wow its been awhile since I blogged and I need to continue doing it as its a great stress reliever.

I have been reflecting a lot on life as a chapter is about to end and a new one start. My life has been interesting and weird at times but I love it. So here is what I have learned in the past 3 years.

Things I learned while living in Montreal. First thing I would like to say its an amazing place that you definitely need to check out once in your life. Its a passionate and free place. Its a place you can be yourself and be accepted.

So the first thing I learned is be yourself. You aren't going to be happy trying to be someone else. Watching everyone in this city be themselves...people who wouldn't be accepted in other places. Even though I don't agree with their lifestyle at least they are themselves.

Second thing is see the beauty even in what seems ugly. This city looks dirty at times there is garbage and homeless and other things all over the place. But this city is so beautiful...there are hidden treasures and secret get aways. It can be some hole in the wall coffee shop or some busy parc. There is so many places and things to do that make life amazing here.

Another thing I learned...stop and take a breather. This whole city is chill. People aren't really in a hurry. Some will just sit all day on the benches and watch the world go by. Its really great.

One of the main things I learned here is the french language....its beautiful and its amazing. I am so happy to know a second language and be able to speak to a people who seem misunderstood. Language is important...and this will take me into something else I learned here and that is french Canadians are misunderstood by the rest of Canada. Its not their fault its just we don't speak the language...and I don't mean french. Communicating is more then language...its listening as well and its finding out what people actually need. The french Canadians just want to be listened to...and we need to listen with compassion. Because the french language is beautiful.

There is many more things I have learned while living here its not possible to write everything that 3 years has taught me. I have changed thoughts and opinions and my look. If there is one thing that I know its that I am a changed person that will be coming back to Alberta.

This has been a great experience and I know I have learned the things I was supposed to learn. I am very excited about the next chapter in my life. Cant wait to see what happens in the next 3 or so years and where life takes me.

The Runners Battle

2011-02-05T20:10:00.003-07:00

Running is a blast and its great exercise. But your opponent is mean and viscous and can really tear you down. You get out there and your doing well and your opponent whom I call the enemy smiles at you and says you cant do this. Give up now...I will win. You start slowing down and you realize you are in over your head. Then your opponent says ha ha told you so just stop why put yourself through this. You start to wonder why you started in the first place...then you speed up. You see the person on the side lines cheering your name then you realize I can do this. The enemy gets even worse and says things like...your body will hurt after this, your not gonna get a PB...your gonna make a fool of yourself. But you just gotta shut out that opponent and keep going. You have to remember the amazing feeling of accomplishment you get after this race.

And you thought running was a solo sport. Well mostly it is...the opponent is yourself. During a race or just an everyday run you can convince yourself you suck more then anyone else can. You can be the worst thing for yourself. But you can also be the person who build you up as well. For me I am very good at convincing myself I will never get better so why even try. But I know I have gotten better.

Positive thinking is half the battle...yes you need to get into shape and all that...but just thinking you can do it really helps.

Another thing that has helped me a lot is the fact I am surrounded by people who are encouraging...joining a club was the best thing I did.

Every week I know I am hard on myself and I do get upset if I haven't beatin a time that I am convinced I can do but I just want to be the best...I want to be an amazing runner. I know with time I will succeed my goals. I am still running with that pain in my sides that is off and on. But I am not letting it stop me.

So for 2011 I am going to do as many 5km races as I can and I am going to do my first Half Marathon. For my 5km my goal is to break 25min...I know I can do this. I know that I am only do them at 29 right now but I believe I can do this. And that's half the battle.

So if you read my blogs then continue this journey with me and lets see where I end up this year in the running scene. And as long as I get out there I know I already won the battle.

2010-12-21T21:20:00.002-07:00

The only thing I can think about lately is running. When I am in a bad mood I wanna run because it helps. When I am in a good mood I wanna run cause its fun. Even when I am in a lazy mood I think of somethin maybe not running but something that invloves working out. I have been going to the gym a lot lately and just really working on being the best runner I can be. I want to take the 2011 racing season by storm. I did really well this year in my first 6months of running which I still cant believe I have held on this long its amazing.

You learn a lot of things about yourself when you pick up something like this. You learn what you are willing to go through to succeed. I was still running for months with a pain in my side. After tests its still undetermined what it is. But in the last couple of weeks it also hasnt been there so I dunno. Also I am not one of the fastest runners in my club heck I might even be the slowest but I still work hard. I want to be a faster runner thats my goal. I want to be able to do 5kms super fast. I will also be doing my first half marathon in the fall of next year which is cool.

The most interesting part is the battle that goes on in the mind when racing. Your body is telling you to stop and sometimes your head is almost convinced...but there is this other voice telling me to keep going. One time during track one of the women told me just to keep going and never stop and so I always think of that and I dont stop....even if I have to run slower I am still running. If your brain tells your body it can keep going it can.

We just had our end of the year party for our club and it was awesome. It really is like a family our little running family. Everyone is so great and fun to chill with. I just let myself go and had fun with all of them which I am still learning to be myself with them. I have been a quiet one and anyone who knows the real Nikki knows thats not the case. I am not quiet be no means. But I am letting that Nikki out bit by bit there. I am super comfortable with a bunch of them and am meeting more and more runners in the club that are just a blast to chill with.

Now that I am 6months into this running adventure it has no longer become something I think I will do for awhile but it has become a lifelong adventure to me. I know it...I love it. Which will be like the first thing I never started and quit. This is my new lifestyle and I am a runner.

Going into 2011 I have many goals for my running and other things but I will write an end of the year blog in a week. I just decided to write a new blog cause I havent kept it up in the last couple of months but said I would. That is one of my goals for 2011 is to keep this up so you all know what is going on in my life and thoughts...near or far. Hope everyone has a great Christmas and dont forget why we actually celebrate this day.

Adventures in running

2010-10-14T21:49:00.003-06:00

You have your shorts and t-shirt. You grab your shoes...ahh the laces so familier you tie them they way you always do. Grab your ipod with your favorite tunes...then you step out the door. That first step to the pavement is a step towards victory. As you head down the street the wind in your face and its you against you. You keep going and start to feel the pains in your legs telling you to stop but you keep going. All of a sudden you become aware of every muscle and every breath. Focusing on the music and your thoughts you push through...telling yourself this is my day and I got this. Finally you are rounding your last corner and you see your house and you are back for a nice shower and a snack...and you are proud that you went out at all.

Running has been an adventure for me...one I never thought I would take on. It has become more then something I do but something I have become. I live my life around it...everything I do I ask the question how will this effect my running. My eating habits, my sleeping habits and just my daily life I have become a runner. I am a runner. I feel weird sayng that because I feel like it takes years of training and some medals under your belt before you can be called that. But its not true...I have been running for about 4months now...and I am a runner. I think I have improved since my first awkward day on the track in the rain with people I didnt know. Now I look forward to running and I get upset...very upset when I cant. I love just randomly running in my neighborhood and getting lost and finding my way home its so fun and a great way to get to know the city better.

I have always started things and quit them but this is something I dont want to quit. I have thought of quitting many times...but I dont want to. Its hard but the reward is so much more. Everytime I go out there and run I doubt at first I am not gonna make it I say and then I surprise myself and actually do it. Even tho I have only done a couple of races they are awesome. Super hard but awesome...near the last km I always think if quitting or in the first km I think why the heck am I doin this maybe I should just walk. But then I get to the finish line and its all over and I just had victory. All I have to say is I got this. Its really a mind thing you would be surprised what you can convince your body of doing.

Running has become tougher for me recently as I have a weird pain in my side and now in my chest. The doctor doesnt know what it is. But I am not letting it stop me...I do listen to my body and slow down when it gets worse and somedays I cant even go out. Those are the worst...not running is hard...I cant not run. But I continue and push on and I know it will get resolved.

Theres nothing like ending a hard stressful day with an amazing night run. You come home relaxed and ready to sleep and take on the next day cause the faster you get to sleep the closer you get to running again. Once you start you cant stop its addicting...its who you are. And its become who I am. This is me a runner. Never thought I would say that...never knew I liked running.

I am surrounded by great people who cheer you on and dont look down on you for being slow and I really appreciate that. I love the people I run with cause I can learn from them and feel great about myself as well. Also its great to have a group of people cause I think its important to have this encouragment so you dont quit. I know for me if I didnt have the people and the coach around I wouldnt be where I am today with running and I prob wouldnt be doing it anymore. My favorite day is wednesday when I get to run with these encouraging people. I look forward to it every week. And learning from the coach has been awesome too...I think every week I learn something new from her and I love it cause it helps me improve...expecially when someone seems interested in you succeeding like she does.

So in the last bit of my post I would like to encourage you all again to find some sort of sport you love or didnt know you loved and go do it. Honestly the reward is worth all the hard work and the smell of victory is just too good.

My new passion....running

2010-07-07T19:56:00.002-06:00

Its funny I have always been a runner...I used to run from everything...commitments, responsiblity and even myself. But I am talking about the physical act of running. I have been in this club now for four weeks...and honestly I love it. Its hard and its challenging...but I love that I am getting better...and that I am doing it. The coach is amazing...and I have quit yet which is also amazing...and I dont plan on quitting. The coach pushes and encourages...I know without her I wouldnt have been able to do tonight. I would have quit the workout. Also what I like is I have something to do and go to thats my own. Well there are others out there...but I mean no one is there from my circle only me and I love it...I feel like I have something to call my own...and people I get to see every week that are out of my circle and they are soooo funny and they are great to be around. I love that even the seasoned runners encourage you to keep going...they are so great. Honestly I cant brag about them enough. I am hoping to be able to run some races in the fall. The coach thinks I can but she has a bit more faith in me then I do. Running is great excercise for those of you who dont do it you should try...its really fun and you dont really need to be amazing just do it. I am sitting here now drinking a beer to reward myself for even going to the track in a plus 43 day wow it was hot today. Its not the heat that really gets me its the humidity...that sucks. That part makes me angry...I even yelled at it on the track then wanted to cry....haha sometimes my emotions are up and down when I run but always after I am in the greatest mood and just love life endorphines are great. Well that is all for me tonight my brain is tired...I will post more of this experiance up another time...but untill next time I really encourage you to do something active it doesnt have to be running it can just be walking but get out there...you feel really great about yourself when do it.

They will catch it...this I know

2010-06-26T21:08:00.002-06:00

Who would have known this is where I would be in 2010. Sitting on my balcony in Montreal listening to the hum of the highway. Well Daddy I guess you knew. Who would have known that I would be this person today someone that is completely unrecognizable to the past. Who was I then? Oh it doesn't matter, its who I am today that matters. Who am I you ask? A nanny, a student, a runner, a friend. No none of those things, I am a child of the Most High, loved like no else and cherished more then I know. Montreal a passionate city, but broken. I don't know sometimes why you brought me here. Then I look into a women's eyes, where I see loss and emptiness and I remember. The love you want to pour out on these people, your heart grieves for your lost children, you are calling them home. Daddy what do I have to offer in all this? Ahh I get it, I see and feel you, sharing you is all I can do and that's what you want. Open their eyes Daddy, soften their hearts. My heart is broken for them. Your love is beautiful and amazing never in this world would I have imagined this life. And its only going to get better from here. If my dreams are not yours please take them away as I only want what you want. Can you hear that? The laughter, the dancing oh I can its the people when this city catches it. Look at the smiles and the pure joy, when this city catches it, no one will be able to stop them as they are a passionate people. Show me more. The are like children playing and dancing in the streets haha such a beautiful sight. Sharing what they have so no one goes without. I see it this is your city, these are your children and the will catch it. Do you see the beauty, of course you do, your God. Show me your heart Daddy. Oh that hurts, look at the women weeping, the child hurting, the lonely man and the blind. Embrace them don't let go, meet them don't lose sight. Sickness, disease, famine and strife have no place in my city. I can see it now the bigger picture, your tower is big enough for them all. They will see that this righteousness is attainable and they will see that they also can be loved. This I know.

New Adventures = New Perspective

2010-06-24T20:10:00.002-06:00

Ok I know I have said this before but this time its for real I am gonna start blogging again. I always think nothing new happens in my life why should I blog all the time and what not but new things are always happening. If different things didnt happen every day we wouldnt grow.

So the biggest new thing tho is I joined a running club. I have been running with a friend and on my own at times and realized I really like it. Also I am not that bad at it. So I wanted to become a runner and get better and go farther with it. So I joined this group and we have a coach and everything and its intense. I enjoy every minute of it even when I am in pain. I love being pushed sometimes its annoying in the moment but at the end I am like that was good...I am glad the coach pushed me...even tho I normally feel like I am goin to die. I always try new things and then quit and then try somethin else and then quit. But this is something I found I like and am ok at and I dont want to quit this. Its in the keeping going where we find perseverance and determintation. Also running gives you a high...a natural high. I love it so much I love the feeling of getting a new personal record and I love the feeling of all my muscles screaming at me to stop and I keep pushing. I just love it. I have been sleeping much better and more happy since I started running...and when I run on my own there is more time for me to talk to God and just get closer to Him.

I am not sure if this is a natural talent I have always had or even have but I do love running and honestly cant wait for my first race. I biked 50km in the freezing rain on a thing called Tour de L'ile I can certanitly do anything now I believe. So my advice to you all is...if you have something you want to do and just thought you never could or your too old or whatever it is...just do it...just try because its ok to fall...as long as you get back up again...and to try is not to fail but its not trying thats failing...so just go for it. I cant wait to see what God does in all your lives. I will update you more on my adventure I am inspired by something bigger then me and need to share it with the world.

My heart weeps

2010-03-29T20:54:00.002-06:00

The lost and confused, the broken and abused, the lonely and rejected, the rich and the poor, they all need the One...and my heart cries out for them. Since I have moved to Montreal I have said that I have fallen in love with this city and really feel at home here...well thats true. But just recently I realized its not the city I have fallen in love with...its the people. The streets are filled with the most precious commodity...thats people. They live on the streets, they live in crappy houses, and some live in nice houses. This city is filled with diversity and culture...not just in the museums but in peoples homes. There are latin, lebanese, chinese, english, italian and french neighborhoods...yes there is fights and disagrements. But this city is amazing...all the world sees are statistics and poverty. I see love and hope. A hope that people thought is lost...but as I smile at the faces in the streets and notice them...not looking past them I pray they see this hope. Montreal is an amazing place...a place where you cant just come and not be changed. This place changes you takes you out of your comfort zone and provokes a holy anger. One where you know you just cant stand and watch the injustice around you. One where you are wanting to take action...prayer is great. I pray everyday for these people but its time for me to take action...its time for me to stand up for those that have been rejected byt the world. And I will I can tell you all that is on my heart tonight cause I dont even understand it all...but I will continue to keep you updated on this journey and the new dreams God has place in my heart and where I will be heading in the near future as my job is coming to an end in august I will have to find direction but I have a feeling I know where I am heading...prayers are apreciated and if you need a prayer or two drop me a line untill then...be the change you want to see in this world yes I used that qoute but its true.

You are my song

2010-02-14T18:43:00.002-07:00

Well I know I havent updated my blog in a long time but here is something I wrote during worship the other day I wanted to share with you all...and maybe I will write some more on here again.

You are my rock song nothing gets me as high as you
You are my love song nothing pierces my heart like you
You are my pop song nothing gets me moving like you
You are my country song nothing gets me to say yeehaw like you
You are my classical song nothing soothes me like you
You are my lullaby nothing gives me peace like you
You are my childrens song nothing gives me faith like you
Ultimetly you are my worship song...worthy of all my worship
You are the words and the music, everything that makes the song is you
You are the song
You are my song

Just hope everyone is doing great...I am doing awesome here in Montreal...its been a great transition and its almost been two years...everyday exciting things happen and I am just stoked to see what God has for me next.

God is good...ALL the time

2009-11-19T20:09:00.002-07:00

Ok well its time for a serious update to my non commited readers...God is flippin good...He is off the wall amazing...and kick butt crazy...He knew what He was doing when He sent me to Montreal...He knew...wow...cause I didnt know...I didnt know what He was doing...the new places and the higher heights I have reached are all because of Him...the people He has placed in my life are like no one I have met...they have hearts like mine...ones I have never met...ones that dont make me feel so out of place...the roommates He has given me...oh man I wish everyone I know in Alberta could meet them honestly one of the best things He has given me...they help you grow and they truly care about you...the church I am is on fire...like nothing I have seen but I have only dreamt of...He has shown me what I knew could happen...oh and the friends...the leaders of the church are my friends something I never thought could happen...I truly trust them with anything I am dealing with and I could go to them and say hey this is whats up...help me...and they will...they actually have time for you wow...anyways I have a thousand thoughts goin through my head and some new blogs to write for you all...I cant wait to be back writing on here again about things that make my heart leap for joy...so I am going to leave you with a challenge today and that is to pray uncesingly...this is something I have been doing...now this doesnt mean sitting in your room and praying straight we just cant do that...we have jobs to do and life to do...it means in your everyday living pray...in your everything...when going to work pray...while at work pray...while eating lunch pray..while talking with people pray...you will see instant change...I know this cause I have...just in the attitudes of non believers around you...I have seen change...I have seen it...God is amazing...and I love you all and want the best for you but God wants more for you...haha WOW...He is good...all the time...lets save some for later.

Dark, bleak and stormy

2009-10-25T20:44:00.003-06:00

The cold dark nights lead to warm sunny days...but inside the cold dark nights are cold dreary days...the anger that resides within...it sometimes seeps out into the world...the anger thats within is like a beast in a cage...and if the cage gets open you cannot control the beast...it reaks havoc on anything in its way and chews it up and spits it out...sometimes the days arent so cold and bleak...sometimes they are sunny and bright and full of joy...but those days are far and few between...I fight...I run...and I do persevere...but sometimes when all it does is rains its hard to fight...the cold gets to your bones and freezes you from the inside and eventually freezes you completly untill you cannot move anymore...walking down the street in the rain watching the zombies go by...watching the world spin...and it looks fast around me while I am in slow motion...I am climbing to the top of this mountian and the view is beautiful from here...majestic...so astounding...I like the top...its safe up here...nothing can touch me...in the tower where the arrows cant hit me...but now its time to run through it all...to get to the other side...to find the next adventure...the bleak dark days...the rain...the anger its still there...but so is the peace...they dont agree...but still I go on...cause I know its right its not time to quit this fight...the days are starting to look brighter...and I am still waiting for the rain to go...and I do know that it will be better...just sitting and waiting

Update on my life

2009-08-23T18:38:00.002-06:00

Well I guess its time for an update in the life of Nikki...well you see I am in love...in love with my life...my city and everything I have here...I have never in my life felt more accepted more loved and more cared about then I do here...I have witnessed unconditional love...I have seen real Christianity...I have turned a new leaf in my life...I am working out and eating better and seeing and feeling instant results...Montreal has changed my life in many ways...one thing I have learned here is to be who you want to be...and dont let anyone convince you to be someone else...people are so passionate and free here...God is doing awesome things in this city and its exciting to see it and to be used by Him...I never thought in my life that I would be at this point...what you point you ask...the point of no return...I used to live a rollercoaster Christianity...but I have walked across the line of no return and have grown and gotten deeper where there is no going back...I no longer live in ups and downs...its an incline from here...God has shown me many things here like that I am not a sinner saved by grace...I am righteous...and that nothing can touch me as long as I stay in His strong tower...and I have always known I am a child of God...but dude I am a child of God...like for real my Father is the creator of the universe and He loves me more then anyone could...He cares about me more then anyone...He is jealous for me...He wants all of me...and I have given all to Him...honestly I am just livin my life for Him and no longer my selfish desires...God is good...I have found Him more here then anywhere else in my Christian walk...everyday I am amazed at what He can do and I have gained a new hunger for His word...I love chillin with Him the most...and well I just love my life...so this is just a little update on how great I am doing...life is good...and I just encourage you to dig deep...cause once you do you will be hooked and thats the place where you will stand strong...thats the place where you will be able to fight and not back down...when the enemy comes you will be able to kick him where it counts cause you have an army on your side...you have God...and if you have God what can touch you...nothing.

Just a poem I made up on the spot

2009-06-28T00:07:00.003-06:00

I am ready if you want me...I have let go of it all...this world has nothing to offer me...so just take me as I am...I am ready if you want me...if its my time to go then show me the way...I bet your place is more amazing then where I am now...I am ready if you want me...if I close my eyes I can see your face...I can hear your voice...maybe you arent done with me here...but I am ready if you want me...said my hellos and goodbyes so take me if you want me...what is there left for me here...what will I ever do...nothing here satisfies me anymore...take me if you want me...I am tired of this pain...I am tired of this hurt...I am tired of the sadness...please I am asking you to take me...you said you have a plan or was that just a dream...you said you werent done with me yet or was I mistaken...you said the time is now for great things...or did I make this up...take me if you want me...take me if you want me...I fall into your arms and close my eyes...I dream of these great things you will do through me...I dream of happy endings...only with you can this ever happen...take me when its time...but for now work with me...do what needs to be done and then take me if you want me

I am in awe

2009-04-26T23:31:00.002-06:00

So its been awhile since I have written and thats because I thought I had no inspiration...which is totally not true...its all around me...so for those of you who read this let me update you on my life...I am in love...I am in love with my God...I am in love with my life and I am in love with my city...yes thats right I called Montreal my city...its been almost 10 months since moving here approaching the year mark and its been amazing and I have fallin in love with this city...so what has been goin on in Nikki's life in the past few weeks....well a lot really...I have been up and down and all around haha unsure of things and just confused on life...but God this whole time has been holding me and telling me its all going to be ok...He is good...yes He is...I believe I am a writer...and thought I had writers block this last little while...but thats not true at all...I just havent been trying or caring about anything...but have not fallin away...I still hear and listen to God's voice but at times I dont want to give everything up to Him but I am learning to let it go...I have a few AMAZING friends here who have helped me a lot and a GREAT church family...I am stoked to see where God takes us and how He grows us...I get to go to Paris in a few weeks with the family I work for which is awesome...I have never left Canada so I am stoked about this...I am planning a trip to BC in the summer hopefully august...I also want to hit Vancouver up...I honestly have never been this happy in my life...and its amazing and scary at the same time because God is positioning me for great things...and He is goin to do great things through me...cant wait to see what that is...Montreal is goin to see God and they will also want to follow...they will also wants this joy, peace and happiness we have...and I cant wait for the divine appoitments...if there is anything you want to pray for her in Montreal is for the church to just go and preach the good news...keep Montreal in your prayers...I already see it opening up to the word...I already see hungry people wondering what we have...so please when you pray remember Montreal...and I am also praying for the places that you are all in...I still have Medicine Hat, Calgary and Vancouver in my prayers...God is doing awesome things here and I want to see Him move more...and stronger so that non believers cant resist the tug at their hearts...well this is my life its good...and for those few who read this...thanks for listening...I love you all.

Still going

2009-03-05T12:01:00.003-07:00

Ok I actually cant believe I am about to do this...but I am about to write this blog on a song that I just love its Brad Paisleys song Find Yourself...ok well this is just proving how Albertan I am...lets make this clear I dont actually listen to country for fun...I just really like the lyrics of this song...ok now thats out of the way lets get to the point...so I am gonna post the lyrics to the song at the end cause some of you may not be familier with it...but in the song its pretty much the story of my life(except for the part where it talks about finding the one, that has yet to happen)...but the song talks about finding yourself in some far off place which causes you to rethink some things and you find out your becoming someone else...well its completly true...I would have never thought in any life time I would be living in Montreal...I am from a small city...Medicine Hat some of us call it the black hole...once your there you can never leave...well I went against the norms and left...and have grown a ton...I am a completly different person...but I also learned a lot about myself in this process...I am more open...I am more spontaneous and I am willing to try new things now...and most of the time I do these things alone...I dont need people to go somewhere with me...things I would have never done back there...the song continues to say When you make new friends in a brand new town and you start to think about settling down The things that would have been lost on you are now clear as a bell And you find yourself...I just love that...cause its so true...and I was able to get away to Toronto this past week...went all by myself and had time to think...I did the whole tourist thing and just discouvered that city...its pretty cool...but it was also great to get away and learn even more about myself...I am still believing for a few things to fall into place in my life...and how it is all gonna play out I dont know...but I do know that God knows...and well He will tell me the things I need to know and the rest I just need to rely on Him..thats the hard part...but He has given me this awesome church family here...they are people from all over...from the west and from the east and even from here...honestly glad I found them...literally stumbled on them haha its a funny story actually...a friend told me about them and I said to her if I run into them then I will check out their church but I am not callin them up...and then one day I randomly stumbled upon people who went to that church...which makes me believe God wanted me there...and I couldnt be happier with my choice to attend that church...I have never felt more part of a church family then I do there...so life is good and hard and sad and happy...and I am alive and I am persevering...but I am also falling...but I am in Gods hands...so I am gonna keep walking, some days crawling...but I am still moving...and thats all that matters.

The Lyrics to the song by Brad Paisley...Find Yourself

When you find yourself in some far off placeand it causes you to rethink some thingsYou start to sense that slowly you're becoming someone elseAnd then you find yourself...When you make new friends in a brand new townand you start to think about settling downThe things that would have been lost on you are now clear as a bellAnd you find yourself,yeah that's when you find yourselfWell you go through lifeso sure of where you're headingAnd you wind up lostand its the best thing that could have happenedCause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as wellbecause you find yourself,yeah that's when you find yourself.When you meet the one, that you've been waiting forand she's everything, that you want and moreYou look at her and you finally start to live for someone elseAnd then you find yourself,yeah that's when you find yourselfWe you go through lifeso sure of where we're headedAnd we wind up lostand its the best thing that could have happenedCause sometimes when you lose your way, its really just as wellBecause you find yourself,Yeah thats when you find yourself.

The beauty that is snow

2009-03-04T21:28:00.002-07:00

Well I know most of you who read this know my love for snow but some dont so here it is...and Steven you better be reading this cause this is mainly for you...so anyways snow has always been a favorite of mine...listening to it in the middle of the night falling ever so gently on the ground...looking at its pure white shade...not tainted by anything...and looking at the different shapes and sizes not one the same...and letting it fall on your tongue and tasting how refreshing it is...thats creativity....thats beauty...well I love it and one day I was really frustrated and just yelling at God and asked Him why....why is He not providing like He said He would...and I think I need to mention it was a beautiful warm day...no chance of snow...well I look outside and its snowing beautiful flakes...large flakes...and God said to me...no matter what I will always be there for you and I will always provide...and whenever you see the snow...you will be reminded of My peace...and it will be a symbol to you that I will always be there...now its funny that I lived in Alberta so snow in August isnt a big deal but to me it comes when I need it...after that whenever I had a bad day and needed God...it would snow...and He would say...rest in my peace...so I now have a great tattoo on my leg with snow flakes surronding the word victory...just to remind me everyday that my God has my back...so snow means peace to me...and to me when it snows its peaceful and calm...and nothing can go wrong...cause I am in my Daddys arms...hmm its funny cause I wrote this particular blog so a friend can hear my story about snow...but just writing it a peace has settled over me...and its beautiful....I believe its important to find your peace...so find that one thing that you can just fall into...and let it all go.

Who do you think you are?

2009-02-16T20:43:00.003-07:00

Ok that title may seem a bit harsh but here I sit after watching yet another documentary about white people trying to make other people conform into this so called perfect race...and yet we are far from it...lets get serious here for a second...now wait if you don't want to hear me ramble on about human rights then I think you should leave right now...because I am getting deep and I am going to pour my heart out here so be prepared...ok well if you are still here listen up...a person is a person no matter what tongue they speak, no matter what they wear, no matter where they are from, and no matter what color their skin is...a person is a person...and we all NEED to be treated equally...I am sick and tired of people thinking they are better then others...I saw a documentary tonight that was powerful...just so you know I watch docs all the time its my newest addiction and I have learned A LOT from them...anyways the documentary I watched was about the Inuit people in our country and how the government has left them out in the cold(no pun intended)...they have no rights according to the government they aren't even classified in the Native Peoples Act...so they are fighting for rights and they are fighting for funding up there...there was a good statement in the document that hit me hard...a women said...Canada is looked at as a revolutionary country...one that treats people equally and cares about everyone...yet that's not true within our country some people aren't treated fairly...so now I sit in my room...I look at where I live...now some of you maybe living below the poverty line but let me tell you I have seen real poverty...I just have to walk out my front door...on my way to either work or school I pass two prostitutes...and that's in a 2min walk...downtown by my university it takes me 5min to get from the metro to the main building of my university...and I would have already walked by at least 10 homeless people...some didn't choose that life...my neighborhood is full of poor people...drunks, addicts, you name it...its here...I live in what we would call back home a ghetto...but really they are people...and I love my neighborhood I live in a very french area and I wouldnt want to live in the english neighborhoods...I like where I live...in the middle of it all...sometimes I am even embarrassed to speak english because of what english people have done in this world...sometimes I am embarrassed to be a white english speaking person...because of what white english speaking people have done...they are trying to create some super race...when there is already one...its called the human race...if we were all the same it would be boring...if we all thought a like nothing new would be created...different cultures bring different perspectives and ideas on life...my roommate said something to me the other day that made my heart sad...she got an e-mail from a friend that said to pray for the new president and the United States...and then she said why would I want to pray for them? I want to pray for Canada and my own country...she is Swiss by the way...and that made me sad because this is how most people think...so when people say they want world peace what does this look like? Because I definitely want to pray for other countries because that's the only way it will happen...because God can do ALL things...everything is possible...I know this...now some of you who read this don't believe in God...and you know that I do...but I am just asking you to be a good person..and to treat others with respect no matter what they look like...because we all bleed blood...we all cry tears...and we all feel pain...and right now I am feeling the pain of the world and it hurts...my heart hurts...my eyes weep...and I am taking a stand and I have new dreams...and I know that a handful of people can change the world...or at least the few people who read my blog...I know you can where ever you are...in whatever city you are in...I know you can make a difference...now stand up in your community get involved...stand up for human rights...we are people...we are all the same...no matter what you think...one of my professors the other day said to the class that immigrants should not be able to come to our country and continue with their culture they should have to conform to Canadian culture...first of all I am Canadian and don't even know what that is...but the point is...letting people come here and practice what they were raised to do is what makes Canada so unique its what makes us the country people look at say...freedom...so why are we treating Canadians that were born here like crap as if they don't exist...the Inuits exist...and if you want more info I have an independent site you can watch full length documentaries on about indigenous people from all over the world...every country is treating the indigenous people badly...if any of you saw the new movie Australia you would know that...I have more to say but I think this is enough for now as I have a mid-term tomorrow on International Relations which really means how corrupt this world is and how we make it look like we are getting along until a bomb falls in your backyard and you got...what? Where did that come from? Duh it came from the people you have alienated all this time...anyways please leave your comments I like a challenge.

Who are you and what makes you that?

2009-02-03T17:58:00.002-07:00

Ok so I have been thinking a lot about who I am...and then in one of my classes that question came up it was crazy and unexpected...but I want to do my own little experiment...I want to know who you are like what do you classify yourself. Examples are Canadian, Albertian, Quebecoise, human, student, American, like what do you label yourself as? I am intersted in these results...in my class more people said they were human then any other becuase they dont like the labels...the choices were student, concordian(concordia is my university), human, Canadian or Quebecoise...and most said human and the next highest was Canadian...but who are you? And why are you that?...if you all want to know what I said...I said Canadian...and I said it becuase I am proud to be Canadian and love my country...so please participate and tell me who you are.

My random life

2009-01-20T19:38:00.002-07:00

I havent written in awhile because well I dunno what to write...there is too much and not enough all at the same time...my head has been spinning lately while I am walking in this new season I am in...I started my second semester in univeristy and I am working part time now as well...some of my friends left Montreal to go back to their homes...and 2009 is a completly different life then 2008 was...its like I hit the new years mark and bam brand spankin new life...brand spankin new world...I was thinkin the other day and coming to a new city where no one knew me...I could be who ever I wanted when I came here...and I did just that...I let the real Nikki show the one who I didnt like back home cause I knew a lot of my friends didnt like that person...I am true here...real and raw...I am super calm now which some of you may not believe but its true...I am grown up...after all I am 25 turning 26 this year...its time for some growing up...I actually like who I am...I go to shows, and symphony's and art shows, and just do things I would have never been able to do or would have done...I go to museums by myself and think its soooo fun...as for why I havent written in awhile well its my thoughts they are getting the best of me...and they are doing a good job at confusing me...I am believing for my tuition still or else I cant register for next years classes...well that sucks but I am also ok if not going to school next year is the plan...weird I know cause I came here for school...but did I really...I dont believe that anymore I think God had another plan...I am also interested in going to a culinary school I looked two schools up one is in Vancouver and one is here...well I will most likely go to the one here as I am in the process of finally getting all my stuff here and dont want to drag it all back to the west...plus I believe I am supposed to be in Montreal...I enjoy it and have never felt happier about my life...school is good one of my classes really has me thinking about this world...its made me want to pause my life...and go around with a video camera and find the good...this world is too corrupt is what I am learning in school and I believe in the good..I believe there are good people out there...so I want to pause my life...fill a backpack and go...I want to backpack the world...and I think I will do this too...actually I dont think I know I am going to do this...my dreams have changed a bit I dunno if I want to be in politics anymore...even tho people all around me say I will be good at it...I just am seeing the nasty side of it and who knows maybe I will continue school and maybe I will just be a university dropout thats possible too...haha who knows but this is my life right now...its random...its weird...but its amazing and I wouldnt want anything different.

2008 or 2009?...move on dont live in the past

2009-01-01T02:32:00.002-07:00

So today has been an interesting day well its 4:30am on January 1st the year 2009...so I mean the day before technically the 31st of decemeber 2008....its been an interesting day....started out normal...I got up and got ready like I always do and went to work...little did I know that things I would come to realisation to and think about later would change my whole perspective on life...now I have always been this up and down person like a frickin yo yo...but I dont have to be...I thought myself today into a grumpy mood and knew only I was the one to find my way out...so then later I was on a car ride to another city and did a lot of thinkin...did some talkin with some friends too...and stuff and made my goals for 2009...first lets finish of my day...so after work I went home...then chilled for a bit then off to meet up with some friends to do a trip to Ottawa...where we really didnt do anything...but I dont know how it was for them but it was a deeper meaning to me...we went to a party where we knew no one...then we left 5 min before midnight and celebrated just the three of us...we were driving then pulled over and danced around the car in the freezing cold weather...then got back in and kept listening to music...then when meeting up with another friend didnt work out we turned around and drove back to Montreal....and it was good...I wanted to ring in 2009 in a different way that I always have...and I did...which is symbolic becuase I am out with the old and in with the new...its time...also I wanted it to have meaning because I feel its important and it did...I did some great thinkin and got to hang out with two GREAT people in my life...I love them both...so what are my goals...notice I call them goals not resolutions thats on purpose too because no one ends up keepin resolutions and I fullfill goals...so it was also brought to my attention I need specific goals and some fun ones too and not have just serouis ones...so one fun one is...attend suger shack this year...a very cool Quebec thing that I am stoked for...also to see Quebec City....but my more serouis ones are these...to stop seeing the negative in things even in the bad times...to just see the life and growth I can gain out of any situation...thats an important goal because I want to be happy and I truly am here...also to attend ALL my classes...unless I am sick or have another reason but I am not skipping this term at all...and my last one is to stop being afraid to speak the french I know...speaking is the only way I will get better...so to speak less english and more french...one last thing I came to realize here I was talking to a friend tonight and mentioned it to her is...I literally have fallin head over heels for Montreal....I was saying its like a romantic relationship where you just want to spend time with that person and get to know them inside and out...and what makes them tick...thats how I am for this city...when flying back after Christmas it was 7am and I had no sleep but I saw the lights of this beautiful place and I lit up like a child on Christmas morn...I want to know this place inside and out...I want to spend time with it and know what makes it tick...I am in love with where I live...and I pray you all find your place in life that makes you happy...if you are there then awesome and if not then dont give up...life is out there...you just need to live it.

Believe in Santa...like a child

2008-12-25T02:12:00.003-07:00

Every Christmas I have come on here and say that I dont like Christmas because in my household its more of a battle then a peaceful day...and that I love it tho because its Jesus's birthday the day He came into the world the day God knew He had to do something to save His people...but really thats not what I want to talk about...not at all...I want to encourage you my readers to believe...now believe in what...well santa of course...now wait before you stop reading and listen up...look at a child...a small one...and what do they believe about Christmas...they believe that santa watches them in all they do and the days leading up to Christmas they try to be as good as they can...because they want that special toy they asked for...they believe one man flys around the world and hands out toys to all boys and girls...what if everyday of every month of every year we behaved because we thought we would get rewarded...this world could be different...a lot of children behave this way mainly in december some the year but most in decemeber...they believe in the good....they are innocent in all this...and we let them continue this way hoping they will grow up to be decent people...they have this faith that no one else can have...childlike faith...something I want you to have...I want you to believe in santa like a child does...and wake up Christmas morn with so much anticipation that it leaps out of you and your eyes sparkle...now I know some of you who read my blog dont believe in God or the same God I believe in...I know some of you doubt that He really exists...but I know He does...and it is my wish this Christmas that you at least believe in santa because we need to believe there is good in this world...and believing in santa with childlike faith is the same way...me and my other Christian friends believe in God...we cant see Him...we also dont see santa...God gives us gifts...so does santa...God watches us in all we do...apparently so does santa...there is only one difference...God really does live today...santa lived at one time in history the story of how he came about is really quite amazing...but God lives today...He still walks this earth and lives in all of us...and I know this...now I am not gonna tell you to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savoiur...I am sure you have heard that enough...and I am not a pushy Christian...all I want is from you is to celebrate this day like a child...get excited...dream big....watch the snow eh go play in it even...hang with family...play games...eat lots...and dont forget...just believe in the good...live this day through the eyes of a child.

Dreams, Blessing and Life

2008-12-15T20:56:00.002-07:00

Ok so this is almost a little run off from my previous blog about being blessed...I recieved a plane ticket home for Christmas...something that has never happened to me...I never told my mom or many friends so it was a surprise and she almost cried and one of my best friends really did cry...and I didnt know I changed much at all untill I came home and people see it off me...I am living the dream...I am excited about life...and LOVE this journey I am on so much I dont even care about the destination...honestly...I have a great life and I thank everyone who has ever believed in me and I thank everyone who has sowed into me...even with their words....thank you to all...and have a great holiday season...and remember its not about what you get...its about what you give and what Jesus gave to you.

Blessed

2008-12-07T22:37:00.002-07:00

I would just like to mention how blessed I am...its been hard not to have a job here and walk in faith....not know if groceries were goin to be in your cupboards or rent in your hands...and every month I have full cupboards and rent paid...I get to start my job this week which is really exciting...and I have great friends here in Montreal and feel as if this is home...I also feel God is keeping me here longer then I thought...and I dont think He brought me here just for university...I also have some other praise reports but I cant tell you them right now...I will write about it next week...just wanted you all to know I am doing well...and am excited to see whats next.

My opinion

2008-12-02T22:05:00.003-07:00

So I know I just wrote a blog but something has come to my attention and well this is my blog...so I can say whatever I want...also I live in Canada where my opinion can be stated without getting shot or killed some how...and I would like it to stay that way where my opinion counts...now if you know me well you know where I am goin with this blog...two words have gotten Canada's attention...COALITION GOVERNMENT...and now I have yours...well this is what it took for you to tune in...some radical move from the opposition...more Canadians are talking politics this week then I have seen ever...I was on the metro tonight and people my age all around me were talking coalition this coalition that...but I bet you they didnt vote in this past federal election...ok so if you are on my facebook then you know I am for this new, radical government...and I will state my reasons...but first I have rules...you can comment your opposing opinions...but no name calling...that isnt very mature...we are all entitled to our opinion...now lets look at the numbers so 60% of Canadians went out to vote in this years federal election...30% of those people voted for Harpers government...the other half went to the Liberals and the NDP's and of course the Bloc...now 500 000 Liberal voters in Ontario stayed home...now the question why did voters stay home? Most say its because they already knew the turnout so their vote wont count...ahh but your vote does count or at least it did...every vote a party gets thats money towards that party...but wait here is the kicker...Harper wants to get rid of that...therefore your vote really doesnt count...ahhh yes he says it will be better for our economy or as I read somewhere on someones facebook group...they dont need that money...well if they dont need that money how the heck are they going to run campaigns then...this is a weapon the Harper government is using so that other parties will be disadvantaged...so 70% of Canada did not vote for Harpers Conservative government...but wait you people for this government say the majority voted him in...thats not true is it? Well I guess you lose that argument...oh I love Canada because we are a democratic country...what? you say were not...of course we are...just becuase this coalition government is existing doesnt mean we are a communist country do you even know the difference between the two...cause I can list them lets see if I paid attention in my poli sci class....Communism believes that the state should own everything..which means no private ownership...well that sucks Communism believes in a classless society...so that means you can work your butt off put you will make the same as the person who sits on their butt....Communism is associated with totalitarian government, such as those found in the former Soviet Union, China and North Korea. Totalitarian regimes are ruled by a single mass party that completly controls political and social institutions in an effort to attain an ideologocially driven goal...pretty much they dont care what the people say...well lets look at Democracy..well the defintion of democracy hasnt really been agreed upon..but I like Robert Dahl's defintion he classifies political regimes in two criteria: the degree of contestation of political power and the extent of popular participation in such contestation...then there is another belief that is also good and that is of Adam Przeworski he says that the government who wins doenst neccessarily have garunteed control over the power that they won and when the opposition figures this out they stay in the race because they always have a chance....well democracy only works if 100% of the people vote because then you will have the majority in power...again if you need someone to blame...blame the people of Canada and if you didnt vote where were you that day...its law that your boss has to give you time to vote so you cant use that as an excuse...you have no right to complain about the government if you did not vote...now lets give this government a chance...lets support our country and instead of bickering and making facebook groups lets see what will happen lets wait till Dec 8th and then lets see what is the big problem here...this is different opinions coming together to work together..unity in Canada we want that...the Harper government is not a team player and thats why they are scared...they may have had a stronger minority but to them they still lost because they want a majority government...no I am not happy that Dion will be leader untill May...but I will support just like I have supported Harper and I didnt vote for him...what makes me laugh is that this is what woke Canada up...this is what grinds everyones gears....crazy....well next time vote...whatever happens I will support it...and I laugh everytime I see the word coalition...because it really does scare me to not know what is going to happen...who knows we may actually be having Christmas at the poll station...is that what you want?

Random Thoughts

2008-11-30T11:25:00.002-07:00

I have had a lot of thoughts lately and I did have a blog I was goin to write the other day...but now I have no cluse what to write...my life has been crazy...and most of it in a good way...but its about to change again...friends I have made here are leaving to go back home and I have to make and get closer to other people...I attend two churches now one on sundays and one on thursdays...I will be starting my nanny job in Decemeber...and school is over for the semester...and I didnt do as well as I thought I could have done which sucks...but such is life...I am learning every day why God wanted me here in Montreal and believe it or not university isnt just the reason...there is so many things I could be doing here...so I have had the flu for the last couple of days...I got a flu shot on thursday with the family I will be nannying for and they said I wouldnt get sick from it...well thats not true...I was soooo sick...I felt like death...ugh...well today its just a cold now...not so achy anymore...I have all this week off of life I have my only final exam on friday I should be studying for it but we all know how that will work...I am stoked for my girls night plans next weekend it should be fun...chick flicks, chocolate and staying up all night chatting you know those are memories you hold onto forever...I love it...another thing I am learning is to cherish each day...dont look at the future and get sad for a day that is coming or look forward to a day that is coming...cherish the present day...the day at hand...because once its gone you wont have it and may regret not doing all you could...with that being said dont dwell on the past...and wonder what could have been different...just look at the present...this blog really had no point to it just my random thoughts...leaving you again with the same challange I love leaving you with and its be radical..and change your world.

My Christmas wish list

2008-11-19T11:22:00.003-07:00

These are the things I would like for Christmas...so if you keep these in your prayers that would be awesome

1. To be home(this is mainly for my mom thats all she wants for Christmas is for me to be in the Hat)
2. Tuiton for school or else I cant register for next year
3. A great french/english dictionary

I cant really think of anything else...I just guess I have everything else I need...but these things are important to me so dont forget me in your prayers

2008-11-17T17:04:00.002-07:00

I am uninspired and feel I have writers block...and dont have time to just settle down and chill to write anything new...so I will leave you with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs...because she pretty much writes how I am feelin I couldnt have said it any better its just amazing

If You Want Me To

Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through

And I walk through the darkness If You want me to

cause When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout

Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down

So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you

And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Life as I know it

2008-11-10T13:24:00.002-07:00

Life as I have known it is changed...its a huge transition for a Medicine Hat girl to move to Montreal....they are nothing alike...but I am home...I love it...and I barely think of the Hat...I call this home...I am learning a new language and learning a new way of living and its been amazing...stretching of course but amazing at the same time...I wasnt the happiest person back home and felt like I was a big fish in a small tank...and here I feel like a little fish in a big tank and its an amazing feeling...I am truly a big city girl...the feeling of becoming and growing and journying in the unknown is exciting...not knowing where God will take me next is exhilerating...I have found a church here that has challanged me and grown me into somethin pretty darn amazing...I love the church I attend...I never want to miss a sunday no matter how hard I try to stay home I cant...I love to go to church and thats a different feelin too cause I didnt always like church back home...no offence to those who attend my church back home...its still family...but this church blows me away...the people I have met here are truly great too...school isnt so great but thats just a small part of life even tho its the reason I thought I came here...but I am starting to believe different...this city doesnt have many Christians at all...and I have been brought here to be a light to this city to show them there is a way...its a very dark and sad city...so many homeless, poor, and just depressed looking people...but there are reasons for that...and I want to see God move...I have a passion for the French Canadians...God has shown me His heart for them...and I want to show them His love...I dont want them to see me I want them to see Him...talking about God here is a tough topic but I can see God move even when I dont mention a word about Him when I am talkin to someone...I jsut sit on the metro and pray and I can feel God move...its a great feeling...I am so far away from anything familier and that life was all I knew...now I know a different life....and being this far away from the ones I love...I have a bit of a feeling what the lost here in Montreal feel from being so far away from love...but when they see God when they feel Him...when they start to follow Him...they wont be lost...they wont be sad...they will have the love of God...I dont know who reads this but I know all my friends are different stages in life...and I do know now what its like to leave somewhere and lose all ties to someone...I feel like I have lost friends since being here...but God has given more friends...and now I know how to let go...I never have been able to before...letting go of people you care about was a hard thing for me...but I have let go...I have let go of all those who have let go of me...and I am ok...they will always be loved...but I have let go...and I just want to say one last thing before I go...do something out of the ordinary this week...something out of your comfort zone...something you would have never done before...touch someones life...do something extreme...and then live your life on the edge...dont conform.

Handle with care

2008-11-02T10:21:00.003-07:00

I feel inspired so I am taking a break from my research paper to write this blog...I love to blog because it helps me to feel and release things...even tho I know barely anyone reads my blogs shown by the lack of comments...but its ok I just need to write makes me happy...a persons heart is a fragile thing...now I dont mean the physical heart I mean just the feelings and love and emotions part...we get hurt easy...we fall apart fast...we let too many things people say get to us...I know I make fun of my friends too much and I am trying to stop it...and I am goin to make a consious effort right now to stop it...because I know how it feels...everyday someone makes comments to you and they dont know what they are doing but it hurts...it really hurts...and the hurt goes deep...they dont know what you have already been through in your life...they dont know that what they just said to you makes you feel like scum...like the stupidest person in the world...they dont know you already struggle with trying to succeed...they just make their comment...but it hurts...and the pain goes deep...its hard to be in a group of people when you feel like the dumbest one there...I know I try to put this tough, nothing bothers me front up...but really I am a typical emotional girl...who things bother me...they hurt me too...afterall I am human as well...its hard to be around the people you love because they hurt you the most...and most of the time without knowing it...I feel in a world all alone even when I am in a crowd...I feel like I am losing hope and becoming weaker...but I will continue to walk with my head held high and not let you see...that you are hurting me...I wont let you see that what you say goes deep and the pain hurts bad...I wont let this affect me...because I know I have a purpose and I have a dream...all these deep pains will turn to scars...and thats how I will remember you.

What do you mean when you say "I am a Christian"?

2008-10-25T15:45:00.003-06:00

I dont actually know where this blog is going to go or how it will be protrayed but I need to get some things off my chest and out of this brain so I can move on with my day. Christianity...I am a Christian and a lot of my friends are and some arent...but what does that mean...when we say we are because statistics show that about 9 million people in Canada claim they are a Christian...well what does that mean...I know that it should mean well 9million people can change a lot of lives...but it hasnt...the dictionary has many definitions for a Christian like exhibiting a spirit proper to a follower of Jesus Christ...or pertaining to, believing in, or belonging to the religion based on the teachings of Jesus Christ or I like this one a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ. That last definition is the one I would choose a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ meaning you can just see it on them...I actually know a couple of people that I can see it on...literally can see Jesus and one isnt from Canada so that 9 million well I would say that number is a lot lower then that. What does the bible say a Christian is or is to do lets take a look. In Matthew 10:37-39 Jesus says "He who loves father and mother more then Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." Those of you who read this and dont believe in God will be like what the heck does that mean...well its simple if you have life without God you will surely die...if you have life with God you will never die but live eternally and that doesnt mean on this earth...in heaven. So what does this mean to a Christian....well again simple...follow Jesus cause His way is the only way...yet so many of us fall short(I am including myself in this just so you know). What else does the bible say? In Matthew 4:19 Jesus says "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men" well now if there are 9 million Christians in Canada then that number should actually be higher if we are supposed to be fishers of men...maybe we are using the wrong bait...haha what do I mean by that...well the main bait I have seen us the church use is relevancy...we are so concerned with being relevant to the generation now that we actually left Jesus out...and the most important factor which is relevancy its relationship...with God first then people...if we stopped concering ourselves with the way our buildings we call church looked and with what we wear and how we talk....and just shared Jesus and be like Jesus I am sure that 9 million people would turn into a larger number...stop making Jesus Relevant and just share who He is...cause He is a rad guy on His own. Another thing I need you to remember as a Christian is church is not a building...we are the church...we are...everywhere we go there is church because we bring it with us...whether or not its in schools, workplace or the pubs...we bring the church so maybe...just maybe we need to start acting like the church not just on sundays. I dare you to sit in the Metro or in your bus or in your school or a park or on your break at work...and read the bible...not just in the privacy of your own home but in the open...lets see what people say then...lets see what kind of looks you get...lets see if you are actually accepted for who you are...cause if you claim your a Christian most people will stand further away from you...lets try this...lets show people we are on fire for God...or are you? My pastor told us to do something really fun for those of us who go to university and that is to tell someone you are a creationist...or even try it at work....I havent been able to yet but I really want to...see if that is acceptable. Mark 4:21-23 says "And He was saying to them, A lamp is not brought to be put under a basket, is it, or under a bed? Is it not brought to be put on the lampstand? For nothing is hidden, except to be revealed; nor has anything been secret, but that it would come to light. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear." Lets see what the bible says about popularity which another way of looking at it could be persecution because Jesus was not popular and neither is Christianity. In Acts 13:49-52 it says "And the word of the Lord was being spread through the whole region. But the Jews incited the devout women of prominence and the leading men of the city, and instigated a persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and drove them out of their district. But they shook off the dust of their feet in protest against them and went to Iconium. And the disciples were continually filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit." People will try to kick you out of your city and their lives but see what the end of this verse says they were continually filled with joy and the Holy Spirit...meaning God never leaves us no matter who else does...haha Christianity is not popular but thats ok...because God will reward us for listening to Him...ok so I am not sitting here on my high and mighty stool telling you this cause I am no different then the other 9 million who say they are Christian. I went to this lecture last night called Harmony in Diversity...and most of it was meh but some of it I got things out of...like how we have love and all these things as Christians that God has given us...why arent we sharing it with others...and you may say well I am in this ministry and this one and that one...who cares...thats not important its yor everyday lives that you live out its in your walking down the street and seeing a homeless person what do you do then? Who cares about the ministry you put your name too or the look at me church you go to that doesnt matter. God doesnt care about those things...He cares about what you did when no one was looking...who you encouraged or helped when no one was looking so that all the praise goes to Him and not you...He likes when we as the church goes out to feed people and what not but He is tired of His name being left out...He is tired of not getting the credit for it...we are nothing without Him and wouldnt be able to do things without Him...He and He alone gives us the strength...my heart is breaking for the lost...but sometimes my heart breaks for the found...because they dont actually know or understand the gift of God and what it means to be like Jesus to be a Christian...I think if we took that 9 million and knocked on all those doors and truly searched or even asked God it would dramitically drop and that hurts my heart...like I said I know a few Christians that I can actually see Jesus in but not many...and that includes me I am not the Christian I want to be...but starting right now I am going to try harder to be like Jesus to everyday listen to what I am supposed to do and stop ignoring those who need me...and most importantly need Jesus...I challange you this week to sit and ask God what He wants from you...what He wants you to change...and where He wants you to impact in your cities and places of influence...and those of you who read this and arent born again...when I say this I mean those of you havent made a commitment to serve God and ask for your sins to be forgivin...then I challenge you to seek Him and take that step of becoming a following Christian...your life will change and it will be such a rad change you will never want to go back...trust me on this...and if you need a testimony contact me and I will share with you my life...and my decison and my trials...because I believe God let me go through this life to share it with you...and even if you are a Christian and want to hear my story just ask...and I will definitly tell you...walk like Jesus this week and every week...do something radical...live on the edge...and most importantly dont forget to dream...now is the time...we dont live in the future or past but in the now...so go and be fishers of men.

The American Dream

2008-10-20T23:02:00.002-06:00

Everyone knows about the American dream...go to university and get a great education and get the job you always dreamed of...but what happens if we throw some twists in there...and things dont go as planned...who do you blame? Yourself, family, friends or God? Well it really is no ones fault sometimes we go through things in our lives that are stepping stones to that dream....sometimes we have to be broken to be fixed...but do we have to hit rock bottom? Do we have to end up with nothing at all? I dont believe that...I know we are human and make mistakes and then sometimes we have to pay for them...25 and has hit rock bottom...sometimes I feel as if there is no reason to go on...sometimes I wonder why...why did I follow my dreams and where are they taking me...I have been thinking a lot lately about this path I am on...about me finally doing something I have always wanted to do..and wondering where the happy Nikki went...the one who believed she could do anything...the dreamer...the world changer...I know she is still there...I am just having a bit of troubles finding her...and I know I am on this path for a reason and I know I am to trust in my God...and I still know He is there...so when you leave a comment dont tell me to pray dont tell me to trust dont tell me to have faith...cause I do...just be a friend and be there for me...and keep me in your prayers...we all go through things for a reason...we all have our share of trials...and I know I will get out of this..I just cant give up...I am too good for that and too smart...I will have my American Dream

Afraid

2008-10-17T09:54:00.002-06:00

Not afraid of change cause I thrive off that...not afraid of my future as much...not afraid of being alone...not afraid of being so far away...afraid of today...yesterday and tomorrow...that may not make sense to any of you but it makes sense to me...I have been thinking a lot and maybe I am not cut out for politics...I am not cut throat...I make promises and actually keep them...I am an idealist...I believe in the people...I believe in dreams...I love to see people dream...so maybe I am not cut out for politics...which leaves me to say this...I am thinking of changing my major...I love political science...but influences around me are starting to make me believe I am not cut out for it...maybe its the enemy speaking and maybe not...maybe I am changing and maybe not...politics will always be my heart still...but maybe its not that important...at least thats what it seems.

Lost Country

2008-10-14T22:17:00.002-06:00

I have people in my life applying for Canadian citizenship and sometimes I sit here and ask...why? Why do these people want to become Canadian? Is it our beautiful lanscape or peaceful nature...or possibly the jobs or the great people? I know whats its not...its not because of our government....because if it were no one would want to live here...Canada always struggles for its own identity...some people think we are the same as the states...and well as Canadians we know we arent...but something I have come to realize is...the way we vote for a certian leader is like the states...we vote someone similar to what they have and why is this I have no idea...canada complains that it needs to change...canada complains we are wasting money in certian things...and yet they vote the same government that they complain about...it boggles my mind on how can they do this...well I dont have much more to say...other then canada you got yourself into this mess...you voted conservative and not only that almost gave them a majority talk about a scare for me...canada you obviosly dont care about your future...you dont care about education...your children or the environment...you voted and somehow I dont think it was right...i dont believe this government is good for canada...but thats your problem now

Election 2008

2008-10-01T19:03:00.003-06:00

Well its another election...and some of you are probably surprised I have not yet written a blog about it haha...well here it is...this is goin to be my blog about the election...and you may be a little surprised of the content...first I would like to stress the same thing I always stress and that is VOTE...for real people just get out there and vote...honestly you have no reason not to...so just do it...with Oct 14th approaching very fast tensions are rising and the country may be a little confused...because I feel that this election is like none other...this election is a crazy rollercoaster with too many slip ups...most of you know that I have voted Liberal in prevouis elections...and most of you know I dont like Harper...well this is a bit of an interesting election and let me tell you where I stand and why I am going to vote the way I am going to vote...first we need to stop Stephen Harper and get him out of there...he is no good...and he keeps lying to the public never mind the plagerism charge just listen to him when he talks...he really is no different then Bush...I sat in a debate today not between the PM's but people who are running here in Montreal and the consercatives platform sounds almost like they dont care what we want or what Canada really needs...they sound a bit dictorship like...they have a stand and they are going to stick to it no matter what we think...so why should we give the Harper government another chance...if there is one thing I get across in this blog is...DO NOT VOTE FOR HARPER...DO NOT VOTE CONSERVATIVE....now on to the liberals...well now they just dont have a leg to stand on...come on Dion is going to have to do a lot of work to get votes in the west...and it sad to say but the Liberals time is up...they need new stuff and I think thats why they created a green shift...they know they need help...they know that they have to get stronger...I believe they will do well but not as good as the intend...now the green party...well we all know they will get some votes but not many so I see about 5seats for them...now the NDP...this group has intrigued me this round...this group seems to have it a bit more together then the rest...and I believe this group has got it going on...Jack Layton hmmm sounds like the next Prime Minister perhaps...they have a green stand, they have a student stand, they are interested in families...and they just all around would be a good change for this country...I believe they will do well in this upcoming election...so remember dont vote conservative cause a vote for conservative is a vote for Harper and we need to take him down...so you probably already guessed where my loyalties lie this round...VOTE NDP...VOTE JACK LAYTON

Become no one

2008-09-09T12:20:00.000-06:00

I know life isn’t easy…I know we are all human and screw up and disappoint…but I also know that we all have hearts…and I know that inside of our hearts there is love…and I know that we crave love…from people…but I also know that we love to love…I know humans aren’t a mean race…I know that we don’t mean to hurt people…and I do know that humans care and hurt when they see the hurting…but here is what I don’t know…why is that these hearts of ours hold all this love and crave this love…and yet we have troubles showing it…we care about our own lives…we are selfish…we don’t share love…we don’t show we care…we don’t…we just don’t…now not all of us are like that…but most of you who read this…if there is anyone reading this…are guilty of it…you are the people you don’t like…you are the one who doesn’t share your love…you are…you just are…I have also been guilty of it…but on a daily basis I try not…I actually think about people and show them I care…but one thing I have learned is…you can acknowledge someone till you are blue in the face and sometimes they are just too busy with their lives and their desires that they will not show back that they care…so I am learning to let go…I am learning to say goodbye…and I am learning to let go of the people in my life who have let go of me…I am learning to not rely on people and just rely on God…and it feels good…but it’s a lonely road…especially in a city as lonely as this one…this city the people fill their lives with alcohol and drugs and sex but none of that will fill them…none of that will satisfy…this is a very broken and sad city…and I constantly feel alone because I literally have no one here…and sometimes my heart is sad…because I can pour as much love as I have out…but when none is coming to me you feel empty and I know God can fill it up…I know this…but sometimes…just sometimes it would be nice to hear it from a person….humans are a selfish race…and sometimes I just wish Jesus would come back already…sometimes I just wish…just wish that we would see these things that we have here on earth are going to be no longer…and I know what it means to give up possessions I sold everything to get here…I don’t have tv…or internet…and its been so great…because I am closer to my God…but I just wish I knew people cared…I am losing hope for the human race…and I am not just talking about the non-Christians…but I am also talking about the Christians…the ones who believe that success is their destination…the ones who are living in those big houses with their nice cars…the ones that think that is where God wants them…and yeah success and money is great…but I am happy to not have a lot of it…I am happy to be living in the ghetto…I am happy without the money that will soon be burned with the rest of this earth…and I just wish people would see it…I am putting my heart out on the line one last time…and I just want you the world to seek real happiness…without money and success…become no one…so that HE becomes someone.

Update on my life

2008-08-25T13:25:00.002-06:00

Well I have been living in Montreal for almost a month now...and I really do enjoy this city...I start school in a week and am getting excited...I still havent figured out how I am goin to pay for school and I am thinkin I need to go get a job now...but I am relying on my God to come through with finances for school...Montreal is a great city if you havent already checked out my pics on facebook I think you should do so...its a lot different then Alberta and the whole french thing is hard but I am surviving...so its ok...haha its funny cause the drivers, pedestrians and cyclists all think they are invincible...they just randomly cross roads even when on coming traffic is there and everything its funny...they all seem in a hurry too...I love the metro sysytem its so easy to use and my church and school and house are all on the green line so its cool...its a very green province...what I mean by that is they are all about the recycling and stuff here its cool and intense and everywhere you go you will see a Quebec flag they are very proud to live here and thats cool too...I am learnin some french I hope to be fluent by Christmas...I am meeting more and more people but cant wait for school so I can meet more peeps...well I dont know what else to say this is all for now.

Trip to Montreal

2008-08-08T11:33:00.000-06:00

It’s been a long journey and I don’t just mean the 2 ½ day bus ride I endured, I mean I have worked hard and followed my heart I didn’t listen to anyone but myself, I did it, I left, I freed myself, unlocked my own shackles that I had originally put on myself…I freed myself from myself. I am dreaming, exploring and creating a new me. I for once am the traveler I have always wanted to be. I am seeing my country…oh my and its beautiful. You think Alberta is great you have to see Ontario…the trees, the water, the beauty. And to know God made it all for us, to know he added this to our already amazing country, makes me even prouder to say I am Canadian. You don’t really appreciate this country until you spend almost 3 days on a bus getting to know it. You also have a lot of time to think. If I don’t go to school its ok, because just doing this bus ride and moving to the east like I have always said I wanted to do, I just proved to myself, no one else but myself that I am strong…I can do this. Oh and the people I have met so great. Such an experience. A boy from Quebec City still in high school. A man from Germany just exploring Canada because he wanted to see it. A man from Ontario just going back home and he was very interested in peoples lives and where they came from. Each person has left something with me that has helped me grow on this trip. I started this trip alone and ended up with people in my heart. I am writing this in Ontario where I am approaching Thunder Bay where we have a layover I enjoy them because seeing a new city is exciting. All the bus terminals are different, I just wish there were showers in them haha that’s the hardest part about the trip and the fact that I have troubles sleeping but its ok I am over half way there. Its 9:30pm Monday 2 hours ahead of Alberta and I will be in Montreal Tuesday at 11:30pm.

Tuesday has been good to me, I slept ok and again scored two seats to myself. Met more people a girl from Halifax, a graphic designer from Sudbury and a guitarist from Ottawa, he is actually an interesting guy, plays in a band he looks like the gangster type and he loves children he had a belief that if you saw yourself somewhere your life will go there…he doesn’t play the part of that but he has the heart. A few short hours I will get to see Ottawa, then two hours after that I will be at my final destination Montreal, Quebec. This bus ride, this adventure has been the best experience of my life. Well its Tuesday 4:35pm, 7 hours left of this crazy trip, 7 hours left to a new chapter in my life. A new life, a new me.

Arrived in Montreal at 12:30am an hour later then I was supposed to with a cranky bus driver. But I was excited to be done the ride and Montreal is a beautiful city it feels like you aren’t even in Canada anymore. The apartments are right out of the movies…all pushed together with clothes hanging off the balconies and people sitting on them watching you go by. The crazy part about here is well its French…and I don’t speak French so I have troubles understanding what people want…sometimes just to feel at home I need to speak out loud to myself to hear some English haha…I have been very emotional since coming here…it’s the first time in my life I have been homesick…one day I didn’t leave the house I stayed home all day…but as I get out more and get to know the city I really enjoy it…its beautiful…lots of culture and scary things that I have never seen before…but it gets little ole sheltered me out of my shell.

It all started with a dream then turned into a bus ticket across Canada and ended in a reality….Nikki takes on Montreal.

Why do I work in childcare?

2008-06-29T01:00:00.002-06:00

People always wonder why I work with children...haha and for awhile I did too. Cause kids can make you want to pull your hair out...they can make you go completly crazy and so worn down you feel like you could sleep for days....but I love working with them I love watchin them reach milestones...I love being there for them...but on friday I remembered why I work with children and why I am there...there is no better feeling the letting a sick baby sleep on your chest...when everytime you try to put it down it cries and once its in your arms its completly content and happy to be where it is...to feel needed and wanted is the most amazing feeling...and thats what I get when I work with children...I am there to teach them the world in some of the most important and teachable years...before they experiance school we are there preparing them...and watching them grow...its so amazing and I love it...so here is why I work with children...so they know someone gives a rip...so that they believe in themselves...so that they learn to dream...I want that for them...I want them to be successful in life...so they take on the world...after all they are the future...and investing in them...is worth it.

My heart breaks for the unknown

2008-06-22T22:14:00.002-06:00

Take a minute and think about your life...your past...like back in even junoir high school...think hard and long...who were you?..what did you wear?..how did you act around people?..who did you want to become?

So did you think about? Ok I will wait a little longer.

When you thought about your past did you know you were goin to become the person you are today?..Did you know that you would ignore the problems of today?..Did you know that all you were goin to think about was your success or your own problems?...Did you know you were goin to ignore those around you calling out for help?

Ok now maybe some of you arent that person...maybe you do care about them...maybe you think about others all the time...maybe you want to change the world...and make it a better place.

When you were young a child...a teenager or whatever...did you know you would be where you are today?...I bet those people on the streets didnt think they would be on the streets...I bet those people that are homeless never thought they would be there...I wonder what was said to them or done to them in their past.

Do you ever sit and watch them...breaks my heart...signs of lonliness on their faces...sad...and unwanted...no where to go...I sit in the park downtown Calgary and just watch...how these people act with others or dont act...how these people look...what their habits are...and to be honest breaks my heart.

I am guilty of it to...thinking about my success and where I have gotten...but mainly I think about my success is because no one said I could do it...that could be me in that park but instead I made the choice not let labels and words destroy me. I made the choice to succeed against all odds...and I dont let people or other things stand in my way...obsticales are just opportunities.

Back to where I was goin...I have never seen this many homeless people...or any homeless person...yeah maybe some of them choose to be homeless but what about those you dont...those you are rejected by society, those you walk by and they dont ask you for spare change the quiet ones no one notices...the lady in the park with the shopping cart...I see her every weekend...she has her head lowered down and doesnt look at you in the eye...the other day was the first day I saw her with an apple...looked so fresh...and juicy...I wonder when the last time she ate was.

She looks old...but it could be the years spent on the streets...her shopping cart is full to the top...wrapped in garbage bags so you are unable to see her belongings...she is always bundled up never showing even the skin on her arms...she is interesting...and intriguing...and I want to know her...not just what I see...but actually know her.

I have spent a lot of time watching her from a distance and even close up without her noticing me...but now I want to show her that...she exists...not that I exist...but that she does...show her someone notices her and gives her attention...and wants to know her...not the surface her...but deep her...the her that has many stories...the her that has potential.

I dont like getting credit for a gift God has given me...I want Him to have the credit...people here in Calgary have been amazing and have told me I am great at my job and no one has ever said anything negative to me here...its like I am living in a dream...this cant be real life...it has to be a dream...there is no way someone like me can be truly happy...but I am and its weird at times still...I love my job and the people I am surrounded by...I love this city and this life...I dont want to be the hero or the great one...I dont even want to be good...I just want to be me...and I want people to see my Creator through me...let Him shine.

By the time I leave this city I will know that lady...I will know who she really is.

My success...and purpose

2008-06-05T19:47:00.002-06:00

Being a dreamer in a doubting world is probably the hardest life to live...and some dont even dare go near that life...well I do...I have always been a dreamer...I have always believed I could do anything if I tried really hard...sometimes I get frustrated at myself...and wonder why I took the chance...and sometimes I see my success and get so proud of myself that I want the world to know.

I look at my life right now...and never in any life time thought I would be where I am today...I have probably the most amazing job anyone could have...I take care of children...in their early years where their minds are so moldable...where their innocence hasnt been takin away...where you are their hero...I love my job...it hasnt always been this way...I just about gave up on this career...untill I saw a place that made this job worth it...that showed me there are amazing caregivers out there...that showed me there are people out there just like me...who believe in these children and that truly believe they come first...it warms my heart to see this...and I have hope for their future.

Not only do I have an amazing job...I am back in the city where I was born...and loving it...I know that inside I have always been a big city girl but was stuck in a small city...I have always dreamed of walking down the street in a large city with the buildings so tall they almost reach the clouds...I am there...I am here.

Now the most amazing part of my life is where I am going next...totally out of my comfort zone...totally out of my social network...totally on my own...I am going somewhere high school teachers told me I would never end up...I am going to a place I never thought I was cut out for...I am going to University...and that is amazing to me...in a totally different city and province I will be packing up my life in less then two months and on a journey to an even bigger dream then I could have ever dreamed...because I am successful and I will succeed.

If you ask me I have already succeed in life...I have some pretty sweet people in my life that have helped me grow along the way...some have only been in my life for a season and some maybe only a day...but all have made an impact on me and all have created this wonderful mind...this dreamer...this world changer...and possibly someday Prime Minister of Canada.

My life isnt where I thought it would be...but my life is exactly where I want it...and I wouldnt want to change it for the world...so for those of you who read this and know me as a joker...a person who likes to laugh...be crazy and silly...there is a deeper me...that some do know...there is a deeper me that wants to see a better world...and is taking steps in making sure it happens...so for now being a dreamer in a doubting world is hard work...but someone has to do it...someone has to make sure the future is safe for your children and our childrens children and so on...that is my mission...that is my life.

I am tired of...

2008-05-20T20:16:00.002-06:00

...thinking about you and me when there is no you and me
...supporting your dreams when you dont even notice
...putting aside what I wanna do just to be with you
...listening to your every word when you dont even hear me
...being there for you when you arent for me
...watching you but cant see me
...wishing on stars to be where you are
...not sleeping cause you are all I think about
...being invisible
...being just a friend
...agreeing with you just so you will see...

I am so into you...but all you can see is yourself...your dreams...and that perfect girl down the street

I am not...
...beautiful like her
...dont have a perfect body
...dont have exactly what you think is hot
...her

She hasnt told you...that you can do it...that you can dream...that you are everything to her...she doesnt even notice you...

now you know how I feel...going unnoticed...dreaming a dream that is not goin to come true

so this is me saying...I cant do it anymore...I cant dream of you...letting go of everything I hoped for and moving on...maybe now you will see I am so in love with you...maybe now you will see...me

Lonely Path

2008-05-18T14:15:00.002-06:00

Act 1

The mood is set...the lights are dimmed...a girl is crouched down and folded over on the stage...she slowly stands up and says aloud to the air.

"Where oh where am I? Lost in my own mind...trying to figure out this place. All alone and heart broken...lookin for a familier face."

She starts to walk through the darkness...not knowing where she is going...looking around and seeing nothing but a lonely path.

"What is this? A path so lonely...shall I walk down this path?"

She stops to think for a bit then continues on down this lonely drak path...she stops what does she see...a vision of the love of her mother...when she was a child...playing with her and taking her for walks where they bonded.

"I remember those days I wasnt lonely I had my mommy"

She continues to walk...dark and lonely she is starting to feel cold but has nothing to keep her warm...she stops to remember her childhood days when her mom would give her a blanket to keep her warm...suddenly she felt the warmth.

"Mmmm I feel so warm again"...she says..."but I am kind of hungry."

Just then she pictures a bowl of soup and some sandwiches just the way her mom used to make them...she is no longer hungry anymore...so she keeps walking down this lonely path wondering if someday she will see a familier face...its getting darker and she is afraid of the dark.

"Awww but remember when mom put the night light in the hallway?" She says to herself...and is no longer afraid.

She lays down to rest as she is getting tired...and as she falls asleep she imagines her blankie is right beside her.

Stay tuned for the second Act

Update on my life

2008-05-11T10:44:00.002-06:00

Ok people now is the time for a real update so that you are all on the same page. I have decided to stay in Calgary and call it my home. I will not be goin to the ranch this summer which was a super hard decison. I will be coming home one weekend to pack all my stuff at my mom's. And I dont actually know how many more times I will be in the Hat after that. As some of you know I have gotten accepted to Concordia University in Montreal. I already have a place to live and everything. So I will be leaving for Montreal the first week in august. I am super stoked for this move and am excited to explore a whole new place. I am loving living here in Calgary its so great. My job is amazing and I love and will be sad to leave it when the time comes. I do miss home a lot but sometimes feel as if it doesnt miss me. But its ok cause I am exploring a whole new life and am very excited as to where my life is goin....its finally happening its all coming together...and I just want to say thank you to those who believed in me and knew I could do this...I love you all and will keep everyone updated as my life progresses.

Create and dont be afraid

2008-05-03T20:57:00.003-06:00

I am a dreamer and anyone who knows me knows this...I am accomplishing my dreams as we speak...but sometimes this walk is hard and lonely...and I know this is where I am supposed to be but for the first time in my life I stepped outside my comfort zone I didn't listen to where others wanted me...I did my own thing...lots of you are goin to say you always do your own thing that's who you are no I don't...I have always lived my life for others...and this time I didn't...I did what I wanted and I am dreaming...I am conquering...I am slaying giants...I am victorious...and I am doing this...ok this blog was supposed to be an update on my life so I will tell you.

I am happy here in Calgary I think I am a big city person at heart and feel on top of the world...I do miss home a lot tho...I miss my kitty...I haven't been this far from him before...I know that sounds lame but he is family too...everyday people are giving more and more reasons to enjoy this amazing city...just today I saw to amazing acts...I was hanging out in a Chapters(oh boy that's my favorite store) and I was reading this amazing book until I saw a man come up to the section where the bibles are with another man...the other man didn't look very clean...he was in work clothes...and the first man was well dressed and very clean....they were looking for a bible for the second man...he wanted a small one that fit in his pocket because then he could take it to work he said...and I couldn't help but listen and watch these two men bonding like men should...they couldn't find very small bibles so the man who wasn't clean said well maybe if I had a backpack...so the well dressed man said do you want one...I can get you one of those too...like honestly I don't know what happened before they entered the chapters I don't know what lead them there...but what I saw was a world changer...and not in the clean man...in the one who didn't look very clean...he was the one that acknowledged me....and as he left he said...have a good ma am...I was blown away...while he was in the store he said I need to come back here and get some books to research...the man that was well dressed did change this mans life but the man in the work clothes is goin to change many more lives...it was very cool to see....the next thing I did was go across to Dairy Queen and get somethin to eat...and when I was in there I saw a man buy another man some food that I don't even think they knew each other...but this man held onto the food like it was so precious and to him it probably was...two acts of world changers in an hour in a city so large that you could possibly see a million faces a day...in a city so large that poor are forgotten...these acts I saw today...is what we should be all about...now I know we are doing this in our churches...in our youth groups and my city is tryin to reach out as well...but why aren't the problems solved...whats one sandwich goin to do...why aren't we doing more...what is wrong with us.

Instead of the government caring about our debt free province they should be caring about the people in it...we look rich to other provinces...we look snobby to other provinces...Alberta wants to change Canada...well that isn't goin to work unless we fix our province...this province needs to care more about the people in it...and less about how much money we can get out of it...there needs to be a whole kind of new revolution in our government...and not one where it gets us more money or noticed more...one where adults and children don't have to live on the streets...I knew there was poverty but my eyes have been opened...my eyes have seen it here...I have seen it in my own city as well...but here its more visible...now why aren't we doing anything about this...I see houses that look like they are being held together with a couple of sticks...I see people digging through garbage's...I see sad eyes at the bus stops...I see children crying for help...what happened to caring about the people...no one should be left behind...we are ALL Albertans not just the rich.

Again I am sorry if you wanted an update on my big city life...but this is me this is my heart...and this is what I see...now God has me here for a reason...God is taking my across the country in a few months as well...and I am sure I will see more sadness and more pain...and it hurts me sooo much to see all this pain...and right now I have no money so I know what its like to wonder when the money is coming...you say you want change...then be that change...don't stand by and wait for the government to do something...and don't complain about them not doing anything because ultimately its you who decides...its you who has the power to create change...make me proud to say I am an Albertan...cause right now its hard to find reasons.

Stop judging

2008-04-13T00:47:00.002-06:00

Ok screw it...I started out on this sweet blog about playing for keeps...then I had a thought...that changed what I want to say tonight...here I go.

I am a smart...world changing...deep women. Now for me thats a bold statement cause this is what most people see...a hyper, obnoxoius, loud, and distracted girl. I have a past that proves all of that...but I have a present that shows different...but people cant seem to get the past out of their heads and thats how they judge and look at me...the past is dead.

They wait and expect a stupid comment to come out of my mouth...then they make comments they think are funny which by the way are not...it hurts and cuts deep...people who are the closest to me...are the ones you cut the deepest.

I enjoy talking about world issues, and dreams others have...I enjoy gettin deep into peoples minds and hearts...I want to know them...not who they appear to be...when are people going to stop thinking I am that girl that makes them laugh...or says the stupid thing...or reads a picture book.

I say I read something and someone instantly has a remark what a childrens book...man I wish they knew how much that hurt...how the pain inside grows bigger...cause someone may have said that to me 5min earlier.

I am smart and I will change the world...and I am not that loud, obnoxoius, girl...I am a world changing, smart, women...and you will see it someday...stop judging people by their past and give them the stage for once...let them be noticed and real and you will change their world.

What are you willing to do?

2008-03-23T22:22:00.004-06:00

As I sit here and think...think about my province about my country and most importantly about my dreams. I think are they big enough? When I am dream of change...what does that really mean? I did some research on the Internet...I googled a bunch of stuff and I looked on facebook. I wanted to see what Canadians are doing about important issues in our country...like the environment, poverty, education, jobs and all the problems we are facing. One thing I have grown to know is once someone says they are going overseas to do a missions trip...or they are going on a DTS people will hand over money to them to support their dream...but once someone says I want to start a street ministry in my own city...I am going to another province to do some missions...I am going to college or university to gain some knowledge to help out my country...the money does not come in...but those are those peoples dreams...not everyone is called overseas...now don't get me wrong I support all my friends in their dreams to go overseas and help out those countries...like for real I love that about them...I don't want this to be taking the wrong way. But what about those people who have a dream to see a better Canada...what about those people who are called to here...to their city...Canada needs a lot of help too. We have tons of poverty and other issues that need some assistance...some people say the government will take care of it so we don't have to...what the heck are they doing to take care of it? It isn't only up to them...yes we voted for them...yes we decided they were going to be in charge...but there are simple everyday things that we as the people can do in our everyday lives to change our country. Take recycling to the extreme in your city...you see a need? Someone who needs diapers for their child and cant get them...go buy them...we are too sheltered and have too many luxuries...even as I write this on my laptop watching my television in my warm house...I feel blessed...I don't even have a job but I have all this...I thank God for what I have. I think of all these tv shows I see...extreme home makeover...the big give and what not and think to myself...we don't need a tv show to do all of that...there are those resources in our own city...there are people that own companies that build houses that could build someone a house...like if it means you have to wait for a upgrade on your tv...or a bigger house for yourself then who cares...you have enough...our money hungry consuming world...sickens me...and I am not just pointing my finger at the world...but I am also pointing it at myself...I am at the point in my life where I would be happy without my tv...my movies...all my cds...and everything else I own...all I am trying to do with this blog is opening your eyes...to the problems in our own country and stop putting it on someone elses shoulders to fix...and support peoples dreams even if it means staying here in Canada and going to school...just change your thinking and you will change your world.

Dont forget to...DREAM

2008-03-17T23:33:00.002-06:00

How did any idea start? Here let me answer that for you...with a dream. Lets take a look...someone said man my feet hurt...these animals are tired let think...how can we get around...then someone dreamnt up the car...a device that most people rely on these days. Other things that we use everyday were peoples dreams...indoor plumbing...refrigirators...computers...televisions...everything we use was someone's dream. Now most people who hang out with me know I am a big dreamer...I dream up many things but the point I am trying to get at in this is why dont we fullfill our dreams? Well thats simple...we are working out of fear...we dont think we can or its not possible...or what would people say. Well one of my biggest dreams the one I am workin on now is becoming a politician...do you know how many people tell me that I cant do that...or they laugh at me..even my close friends laugh at me when I tell them that...how do you think that makes me feel? Do you think I should back down cause I have little support...no...thats why its a dream because you can do it...you can do your dreams...they are put inside of you for a reason...a time and a place...and you need them to survive...someone needs you to dream so they can dream....someone needs your dream to happen so theirs can happen. As I sit here and write this I get lost in many dreams that I want to happen. My encouragement to you is to dream...and not only dream but dream BIG...because its your dream thats goin to change this world...its your dream thats make you happy...its your dream thats important...so dont...dont forget to dream.

Alberta...what happened?

2008-03-04T09:07:00.003-07:00

Here is what I am frustrated about...is Albertans complain that this province isnt changing...that we need more change...and they arent happy...well wouldnt you think we would want to elect someone in to office that will make that change happen...well apparently not...apparently we are happy with the way things are...our province is just like a sewage plant...pretty on the outside but the same old shit on the inside...we can keep painting the plant and doing outer renovations but the same crap will always be on the inside...we make it look like we have it all together to the other provinces and brag about our debts being paid off...ohh yes we get the extra money from the government ohhh yes we make a lot of money...look at what we have.

Ok but for real people...I was talkin to a friend one day and she brought up a great point that I have been thinkin about a lot lately...she said Albertans are no better then Americans...we consume and consume we dont really care about the environment and have a lot of money...you know what I am starting to believe that...I thought about it...and what are we doing to make Canada better...what is Alberta to help out the little guys.

Ok some of you who are reading this are like oh she is jsut mad that the Liberals didnt win...you know what yes I am...and some of you Christians just jumped inside because you are like ohh the Liberals are for gay marriages thats wrong...yes its wrong but its also wrong for us to tell people how to live...thats God job not ours...well we are at it lets make drinking...and porn...and swearing illegal cause thats wrong in God's eyes as well...ohhh but wait alcohol makes a lot of money for the government I see...I see where the priorities are at...we have no right to play God...those people will get to heaven and have to be judged by Him then...for their actions...not by us.

Another thing that bugs me about voters is...this saying "well my grandparents voted this way...my parents voted this way...and I am goin to vote this way" ohhh my gosh....did it work for them...NO...so why..why do you think its goin to work now...you are the ones who said you wanted change...you are the ones...who said we need to do something...so my question is why...why didnt you do it...its a democracy after all we do have a say...if we keep doin the same action we are goin to get the same results.

I for one am sick of the conservatives being in and not doing anything...I for one am ready change...for a second I actually believed the rest of the province wanted change to...but after last nights results I saw that we are in a comfort zone that we are not ready to let go...a security blanket if you will.

I would like to take this time to apoligize to the rest of Canada for my provinces Alberta pride and cockiness...I would like to say sorry expecially to Sask becuase we have no right to make fun of you...we arent good enough for that...too much pride in this province...and I wont stand for it...we needed to vote differently so that the children of this province dont have to fix our mistakes...we werent thinking of them were we...when you put that X on that ballot you were only doing what you have always known...I believe people in the future will come to their senses..and you will see what your actions did.

Alberta...I am proud to be an Albertan...but I dont want people to complain about this province...you are the majority and the majority did not vote for change.

Grabs ahold of me

2008-03-01T20:40:00.002-07:00

Someone once told me it was ok to write down everything I was feeling if its bad and angry...so I have picked that pen up again and started writing my thoughts down...my writing may not be in proper english or proper sentences or anything its just my thoughts...so read them if you like...

Dizzyness and confusion is how I feel
when my world gets turned around
sweaty palms, clenched fists
I see and feel the rage
wraps its cold hard arms around me
whispers in my ear...do it, punch them
I hold back my clenched fists
close my eyes and tell it to go away
the hold gets tighter and I almost explode
my heart is beating faster and my head is pounding
the world is spinning and I loose all control
I dont know how to stop, collapse to the ground, close my eyes and drift away

This is just a tiny bit of how I feel when I am angry its the only words I can put to the feeling its more intense then that tho...

Life like a musical

2008-02-24T15:54:00.002-07:00

My life is like a musical...emotional and entertaining...now you can take that the way you want...you can mean it sucks or its great...by the way I love musicals so dont diss them...but the point I am tryin to get at is...here is me and my dreams...to be this person...who you ask...to be the one who listens to God and does what He wants...to be on fire to have life and passion...I want to change Canada...I want all these things...but sometimes it feels as of the world hates me...and the sad song starts playing...I fall to the ground and no matter what I do it doesnt please you...it tells me what I cant do...but I know inside of me thats not who I am...I dont let people walk on me...I dont...I am strong but I cant go on...how do you feel when you push me down...how do you feel when you win and I have nothing left...I hope it feels good...because you win for now...I am gettin my fight back and I will stand up.

Change our world...your way

2008-01-29T22:12:00.001-07:00

The mess and confusion that is my thoughts…the swirling tornado of destruction in my mind…never know when its goin to stop or when its goin to explode…always wondering what my next step is…should I go right or left…should go back or forward…most of the time I stand still…and let you push me the way I need to go…most of the time I let my thoughts run wild…while you calm the seas…sometimes I am on my knees pleading…crying…and shouting out to you…I need you now…I need you to save me…I need you and you alone…no one else will do…so please take me where you need me…take me where my heart desires…and what it desires is…a better world…a better future…a memory…a revolution…a voice for the mute…I am begging please…take my life and make it yours…take my life and create change…after all you are the creator of the universe…take my life and make a difference…I am no longer my own mess….I am your creation to do what you will…to do the plans that you have for me…make a better future.

Refreshing

2008-01-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

I had the most refreshing weekend of my life...its good to get away from civilization once and awhile...away from internet and cell phones and everything else that bogs us down. I went on the ENR staff retreat this weekend and it was incredable...I saw faces I havent seen in awhile and we laughed so hard and Pastor Landon spoke some words to us...now God just blessed me with the most refreshing weekend...and it wasnt neccassarily the words that Landon spoke but it was the moments in the forest on a three hour hike through the snow and almost peeing your pants because you are laughing so hard that changed my world and rocked it...the dance parties in the cabin in your pjs being a complete idoit but not caring because its freeing is what rocked and changed my world...its those moments that you never planned that you never thought would happen...its those moments that change your world...and those are the moments you need to treasure and remember forever...somethin I have realized in 2007 are friends always come and go...jobs are disposable...houses and cars and all material items are breakable...but life....life is attainable and needed and the most amzing thing you can have...some people take advantage of their life and party till they get sooo wasted they dont know what is goin on...some do extreme activities and really hurt themselves...and some lock themselves up in their rooms and ignore it...but that is not the life God has intended...and I am goin to start living my life...and no more doin what others want me to do...no more sitting here saying I am goin to do this and not do it...because life can be short we dont know how long we will be here.

So another note is I finished my dream list for 2008 for now and here it is:

Follow my heart
Rock the world/my city
Take a stand
Dont listen to the lies
Get my voice out there and heard
Stop being tossed among the waves

This is my dream list not resolutions but dreams that I want to fullfill in 2008 and keep fullfilling them in my future.

Where do I want to be?

2008-01-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

I want to be in a place where...its not about me...where people are not selfish and greedy...where all they want is love...where a simple smile changes their world...I want to be in a place where all they want is my love...and possesions dont have them under its spell...I just want to be where people are satisfied with a hug...I want to be in a place that you can play...and laugh and smile and have all the fun in the world...and at the end of the day they dream of what they can do to change someones world...I want to be in a place where my dream infects others...and they begin to dream...I want to be in a world...that can dream.

2007...a year in review

2008-01-01T03:41:00.000-07:00

Well its almost 4am and I am still up and the booze is out of my body...and I am thinkin about my year...was 2007 all I wanted and more...well the answer to that would be "hell no". At the beggining of the year I made better decisions of the year 2007 not resolutions...here were the decions and if they are in italics and bold I did it....

Better Decisions of 2007

No energy drinks
No more swearing
Eat three meals a day
No more alcohol
Start doing devotions
Care about me
Try and control my anger
Work harder
Stop making fun of others
Be a positive role model

Well I acomplished one I worked harder...yes all the others I sucked at...what did I learn this past year? How did it effect my 2008...oh man where to start I learned A LOT...and I have people in my life to thank for that...I am a dreamer and always have been...and well not many dreams were fullfilled this year...so for 2008 I am goin to make dream list...and try to accomplish somethin on that list...somethin huge I want to rock 2008 because 2007 wasnt that great of a year...I will write a better blog but for now peace out and Happy New Year.

Debatable or is it?

2007-12-29T17:01:00.000-07:00

Ok well reading one of my bestest friends blog I was insipired to do some research...I was up till 2am last night and got up today thinkin about it...here it goes....if a gay couple gets married and has a kid...then they become a Christian...should they get divorced or stay as a gay couple? Now thats an interesting statement...hmm well I know what I think but here let me show you what the bible says...

1 Corinthians 6 The Message
1-4And how dare you take each other to court! When you think you have been wronged, does it make any sense to go before a court that knows nothing of God's ways instead of a family of Christians? The day is coming when the world is going to stand before a jury made up of followers of Jesus. If someday you are going to rule on the world's fate, wouldn't it be a good idea to practice on some of these smaller cases? Why, we're even going to judge angels! So why not these everyday affairs? As these disagreements and wrongs surface, why would you ever entrust them to the judgment of people you don't trust in any other way?
5-6I say this as bluntly as I can to wake you up to the stupidity of what you're doing. Is it possible that there isn't one levelheaded person among you who can make fair decisions when disagreements and disputes come up? I don't believe it. And here you are taking each other to court before people who don't even believe in God! How can they render justice if they don't believe in the God of justice?
7-8These court cases are an ugly blot on your community. Wouldn't it be far better to just take it, to let yourselves be wronged and forget it? All you're doing is providing fuel for more wrong, more injustice, bringing more hurt to the people of your own spiritual family.
9-11Don't you realize that this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's kingdom. A number of you know from experience what I'm talking about, for not so long ago you were on that list. Since then, you've been cleaned up and given a fresh start by Jesus, our Master, our Messiah, and by our God present in us, the Spirit.
12Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims.
13You know the old saying, "First you eat to live, and then you live to eat"? Well, it may be true that the body is only a temporary thing, but that's no excuse for stuffing your body with food, or indulging it with sex. Since the Master honors you with a body, honor him with your body!
14-15God honored the Master's body by raising it from the grave. He'll treat yours with the same resurrection power. Until that time, remember that your bodies are created with the same dignity as the Master's body. You wouldn't take the Master's body off to a whorehouse, would you? I should hope not.
16-20There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

Now I love the message version of the bible because its so blunt...it put it in words even morons can understand sorry bout that but I just love it. Ok so in verse 9-11 it states this you realize that this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's kingdom...Now as I read people who abuse sex are not citizens of heaven...therefore I dont think that Gay marriages are even seen as marriage in God's eyes...therefore if one Gay couple would want to get a divorce it wouldnt be a bad thing because the marriage was never a marriage.

Verse 12 says 12Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims...a slave to my whims...now you may ask what a whim is well for those of you who dont know its an arbitrary thought or impulse and arbitrary means a subject to individual will or judgment without restriction; contingent solely upon one's discretion...upon ones discretion well I guess if we decided to live like that then...drinking so much till I dont know what is going on would be ok...because drinking is legal...getting drunk is legal...so as a Christian I can get drunk...hmm NOT...because that would make me a slave and I dont want that.

Near the end of this chapter it reads...we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one."...well the only sex that we become in is sex between a man and a women...now gay sex not become one leaves you emptier then you were before.

There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

So in conclusion my opinion is...it would be better for them to get a divorce and live the way God had intended...as their marriage is not real in Gods eyes...because in Gods eyes the only marriage that is real is between a man and a women.

Tis the season

2007-12-24T23:01:00.000-07:00

...to be a grouch? No way its the season to remind the people you love that you love them...its the season to celebrate the one person who shows us unconditional love at all times...the one that does for us more then anyone of us could do for anyone else...Jesus deserves our focus and attention...everyone is racing around doin last minute shopping to get the best gifts to make their loved ones happy...yes I did get some rad stuff that I asked for but...its not about that...I still remember what Jesus has done for me...this is His day...He was born this day...for a purpose a reason...dont forget that...just like you celebrate your birthday and that you were born for a purpose dont forget that Jesus was born today...to show us how to live...to show us how to love...to just show us...who we are...then He died...so that we can do all that and be free...so this holiday season before you yell at someone...before you swear because people are annoying you...before you are disapointed because you didnt get what you wanted...remember that its not your day...its for Jesus....have a great Christmas everyone...I love you all...BE LOVE.

Not what I expected

2007-12-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when God sets a dream in your heart..one so powerful...so life changing...so extreme...doesnt mean its goin to happen right away...doesnt mean you are to just go...sometimes God is workin on another dream of yours...and He never changes His plans for our lives we change our plans...and right now all I am doin is walkin in faith and trusting I am doin the right thing even tho its extremly hard...and all I want to do is run the opposite direction...but with how much I want to do somethin else I am not...I am walkin in faith with my God...trustin He knows what He is doin...workin on a dream that I am able to have Victory over...still I am stoked for 2008 its the year of change and newness...and adventure..not the type of adventure I had planned for...but it will be an adventure...well here I come world....watch out I have a plan up my sleeves....get ready

Time...Peace...New

2007-12-16T14:39:00.000-07:00

Incredible…divine…fantastic…needed….those words describe my weekend…as I have been goin through some things that have tested me patience…my trust…my obedience…and just my faith. But I am still standing…I am still persevering…I am still walking…and I will fight. As I sit there last night at a party for a friend who is leaving this week for awhile to do her missions in other places…I got thinking wow am I ever proud of her…for doing what God has placed in her heart to do…God is goin to do huge things through her and yes its been a stressful time for her as she is moving across the world…but look at her obedience…look at her trust…taught me a lot…as I am turning the pages in my book and chasing my own dreams. Then I got to spend quality time with a great friend last night…laughing, sharing, and just getting deeper in our friendship and I am just so thankful to have her in my life…I am thankful to have all the people that I have in my life…they all mean so much to me…no matter if we still talk or if we don’t talk…I love them all. Then today as I was sitting in church I was watching this little boy as we were worshiping and he kept getting closer and closer to the stage…and that’s what my spirit felt like today…all I wanted was to be close to my God, my Dad…that’s all I wanted I had an intense worship session…where my whole entire being was crying out to hear the voice to feel the touch of the almighty God.

The funniest part of my life…is that nobody understands why I do what I do…and that’s perfectly fine with me…because I am following my heart…my dreams…and my what God has told me to do…I am stoked for the change that is about to come…and I know its right as well…I have peace. For once in my life I am not doin what others think I should be doin I am doin what I know I should be doin. There is a song by superchick called “Me against the World” it’s the story of my life…the beginning of the song says “wanna quit and give up, something says to pack it up, shot down from all sides” then it continues on later saying “they said don’t try changing the world you are just a girl” then it goes on “me against the world today I am gonna do it my own way…though no one understands I am goin to make the one girl stand…then at the end of the chorus it says “if we believe and we have faith we are goin to change the world someday” and I totally believe this…this song is an amazing song…and though no one understands why I do what I do…I am goin to change the world someday…a new chapter is being written in my life…and now is the time for me to chase a dream…my spirit is jumping out of my skin…saying lets go.

Airlines

2007-12-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

So I was on an airline website the other day lookin at the weight of bags you are allowed to take on...well I got thinkin if I am 150lbs and joe blow is 200lbs I should be able to bring another 50lbs with me they put this limit on how much a bag can weigh but they dont put a limit on how much a person can weigh so I can shove all my items in clothes and weigh 300lbs and board the plane...hmm interesting thought eh?

Be prepared...

2007-11-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

What will you do when I am gone? Who will you ignore? Who will you come running to when everyone else has walked out? Who can you say whatever you want to and will still for you...even if you dont like them? Be prepared for the day I leave...to the place I dream of...to my new life...in a new city...in a new province.

Most people dream of islands and beaches....I dream of tall buildings and an office...cement all around me that is paradise...I dream of buisness clothes where you may dream of a string bikini I dream to carry briefcase....with important papers.

When I am gone who will you try to control? Who will you make fun of...to make yourself feel bigger? Who...when I am gone?

What I hope when I write these words and I leave this place...is that you think of what you missed out on...the love and joy we shared...no longer exists...the relationships we had no longer are there...this emptiness resides...and I have moved on...to my tall buildings and office spaces.

Be prepared....that day is comin soon.

Dying in the church

2007-11-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

People are always like we want more people in the churches…we want unity between the churches…we want to show people Jesus…we want to be more relevant…we want…we want…we want…what about what God wants?

There is a problem sweeping our nation that no one seems to think is a problem. Its growing churches and creating ways to be relevant where its no more about God its about numbers. Its about looking good and being the hottest thing out there. Its about what we have and what you don’t have…that’s not what it should be about.

Its time to fix a problem that most people are blind to…I would rather worship God in a shack with no instruments just voices and sitting on the floor listening to someone speak Gods word and feel full then to be in a huge church with huge screens and beautiful decorations and feel empty. I want God not man…I want to hear His word not what man thinks I should hear…I want to hear someone who can hear God…someone who will obey God and speak His word.

I want more people in the church but I also want relationship with them…I want relationship with the leaders of the church…I want family within the church so that you have support…I don’t fakeness.

Nothing is wrong with being relevant a lot is wrong with the look at me attitude. You may not even know you have that type of attitude…just look deep down in your heart and say what is my motive…why am I doing what I am doing?

Unity between churches is something I have always believed for…and apparently others have too like I said “apparently” but as soon as you say something that someone else has…someone has to defend it and say yeah but we have this…that’s not unity…why cant we work together why cant we help each other out with each others ministries? Don’t we serve the same God? Aren't we here for the same reason to bring heaven to earth and show people the life they could have with Jesus? That’s not what it looks like…the reason churches are not united is because of the men and women who want to say that they started something and don’t want to share it. That’s not unity and we wont be unified until pride steps out of the way.

We aren’t showin them Jesus we are showin them how to become prideful…we are showing them that you need to have a nice house and a nice car and to look great and to wear the hottest fashions to get anywhere in life…that’s not Jesus…I want to show people that if they are poor they can have Jesus if they are rich they can have Jesus…and yes God will bless us and he doesn’t want us to be poor…but its not only about that…its about so much more.

There is nothing wring with being relevant…being a big church…lookin good…or plain old just reaching out…just we need to do it with the right motive.

I will not stand to watch people die in the church…to watch people walk around confused and not knowing whats goin on…I will not watch people looked down upon because they don’t have the latest fashion.

Oh but don’t mention it to these churches cause nothing is wrong with them…they are perfect…and they will continue on with there beautiful look and continue growing in numbers…and they will let their people be walking zombies feeling crap…but as long as they keep growing they will see nothing wrong…bring the people in but how do you have relationship with 500 people not possible…don’t mention it to them they don’t want to hear it…they will keep making the outside look good and be blind to the inside but they will be the first to tell you what is wrong with you....church staff are no different then politicians.

Video Blogging

2007-11-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

This is my new thing...I am goin to do video blogs once in awhile so that you the readers can feel what I have to say. The face behind the words...enjoy.

Sad and touching all in one

2007-10-14T15:48:00.000-06:00

A mother is frantically looking around the house looking for her bra...yelling at the dog saying "did you take it again"...she cant seem to find it anywhere...she is upset because she cant afford to get a new one right now...livin from paycheck to paycheck doesnt allow for that...her son...not understanding the value of money wants his favorite cereal she cant afford to get it for him...she cant afford to get her sons favorite things...livin paycheck to paycheck doesnt allow for that...not being able to find her bra still she gathers up all the pop bottles in the house and takes them down to the bottle depot...she then goes to the store and what does she buy...her sons favorite cereal...as I sit here and see this I see the meaning of sacrifice...I see a real mother who wants to make her child happy...she isnt greedy...she doesnt hoard...she gives to him...her one and only love in this world...the one she cares about...later she finds her bra...thinkin maybe someone else was lookin out for her.

This blog was goin to be about poverty but as I was writing it...I saw sacrifice...I saw real, raw love...the kind one should learn to have....I have another story for you that I saw today that deals with poverty.

I saw a man riding his bike around with many plastic bags on the handles not filled with food but pop bottles...he is collecting them for money...the later on in my day I was walking and I looked and saw this man his bike was leaning against the tree...and he was cleaning what I think he calls home...he was gettin rid of all the gross things out there under that bridge...he makin a spot to rest down there....where he lives.

Why are we letting this happen? What did we do wrong to have to make these people live like this...winter months are coming and they are goin to freeze...they cant live under bridges...we say God needs to help them like we have no resources when we have everything...if we banned together all these people wouldnt be living outside...poverty needs to stop here...for this mans sake...and the mother with the child.

Scarecrow

2007-10-06T14:12:00.000-06:00

Standing there all alone...in the day and night air...once in awhile a bird comes to land on you for a chat...your job to keep them away from the garden...solitude is all you know its a long time friend...you look around and dream what life would be if you could just move...if you could just walk...but you are fake and not real...so your legs dont work...there isnt in even a brain in that stuffed head of yours......your arms are on sticks makin them stick out...all your job is....is to keep the birds away...what if you could walk...what if you could talk...what would you say...what would you do?

Dont be a scarecrow.....go and do somethin.

Cry out

2007-09-30T21:55:00.000-06:00

Cry out for the lost...the broken...and the searching...cry out for them so that they can see...see Your love...real love...true love...and see who they are.

So many people in this world dont understand that God is truly real...that He really is for them and not against them...some people dont understand that they to can have Him in their lives...that a relationship with God is never ending...and He will never stop loving them even they fall away.

I have fallin away so many times and every time God is like come back to me...I am the only one that is goin to satisfy you...I am the only one that you will feel happy with...I am the only one you can truly trust and no one can love you like I can...and this is totally true...God is the one we need and the one that is goin to satisfy us...we need to stop lookin for other things to fullfill us...we all try relationships and drugs or alcohol and other things and its never goin to fill us.

God picks me up and sets on me on the right track and shows me where I need to be and dusts me off.

I dont know where all this is comin from but I felt that I needed to write it all done...we need to cry out for the lost and broken...we need to cry out so that they can see God..the real God...the Father God...the one who loves is and is searching for them...He wants us to pursue Him so we need to...we need to reach out and touch Him and really dig deep into who He is...this is my cry for you.

If they knew...

2007-09-16T00:17:00.000-06:00

I sit in around a crowded fire pit listening to all the laughter and watchin all the smiles. Feeling very loved and touched that they all showed up. Thinkin I have great friends they all came because of me...because I was born on this day. Makes my heart happy. As I am sitting there thinkin about this...if they only knew...my thoughts. If they only knew that inside I felt alone...if they only knew I am lost...and invisable...if they only knew. I laugh and smile so they think I am happy...this is my day...my favorite day of the entire world...and I didnt have the time of my life...I ate cake and that made me happy....I had great hugs from great friends and that made me happy...but still lost and confused and invisable...why do I feel this way...Daddy help me...come to me and be with me and make me feel whole again...if they only knew the dangerous thoughts...the bad thoughts...and the lonliness I feel...if they only knew...would they even care?

Dont look back

2007-09-15T01:13:00.000-06:00

For real dont do it...ok so I read this most amazing story in the bible the other day that I have never heard of...it was in Genesis and it was the story of when Lot was fleeing his city and God said dont look back but his wife did and she turned into a pillar of salt...well I got huge revelation out of this and it was like a really sweet story...she turned into salt people...ok I wasnt brought up in the church so I never had heard this story before and I loved it...so here it is.

God said dont look back...and she did...so He turned her into somethin that wasnt a very big deal in those days...cause salt was everywhere you could get it anywhere...and she was salt so who cares about that pillar of salt who cares...see what I am trying to get at is who cares what your past is...who cares what you did wrong...who cares...all that matters now is who you are now...who you are goin to become...dont look back...dont turn your head even to the side and peep out of the corner of your eye...drop what you are trying to hold onto and keep goin forward.

There is no point in holding onto those things cause they are just goin to weigh you down...they are goin to pull you backwards or worse...keep you standing still and that my friends is bad...you need to just go...and do be turned into a pillar of salt because you made the mistake in lookin back.

Keep your eyes on God and He will direct you where to go...trust Him.

I think I have gone insane

2007-09-08T21:21:00.000-06:00

Ok so here it is folks I am now listenin to country music...I offically have become insane...I hate the stuff but some of it I have grown to like its so weird cause I would be the first to boycott it...I would be the first one to say are you seroius we are not listenin to this...Jello I dunno if you did this to me...but I am enjoying a bit of country lately...maybe I am depressed...Nikki Out!

Kills me inside

2007-09-02T13:44:00.000-06:00

Watching you dream and supporting them like I should...hearing you cry out and listening to every word...it kills me inside to know...that I am not in your mind...to see you chase one who doesnt even know you exist...kills me inside...as I sit here the pain goes deeper...do I need to change...do I need to live up to your standards...do I need to prove...prove I can make you happy...I am me and thats who I am...accept it...I am not changing anytime soon...life will go on...and I will survive without you...but it would be nice to have you in my arms...it would be nice to tell you...I care about you...to tell you...I believe in you...to tell you...I love you...to have the life we both dreamed of...its hard to keep silent...its hard to hear you talk about ones who dont even know you exist...its hard to sit here and wait...but I am strong...I will go on...and I will pray untill the day you see me...for me.

This one time...

2007-08-27T22:24:00.000-06:00

So this one time...I came home from an amazing place called a ranch and crashed really hard...then I hung out with a great friend and she kicked my butt....and showed me that I needed to smarten up.

Ok but for real here is the story readers and friends...I became apathetic and hated everything and just plain old didnt care...and then I got talkin about my life and passions and what I want to do with it and stuff...and got excited again...you see I think myself into frustration and thats why I get in these moods...and yeah its just somethin I need to stop doing and I need to stand up and say I am not goin to stay in this rebelous spirit and the doing things my way and everything I am goin to live God's way even tho my attitudes and some ways of thinkin are still there I just need to work past this and keep goin...now I know this is rollercoaster Nicole that you all know but I am goin to work harder and keep trying.

One thing that has gotten me down is talkin about my dreams and people laughin at them expecially the ones of me becoming a politician...yeah but for now this is me leavin here sayin I am goin to work hard ok...peace out.

Falling

2007-08-25T14:48:00.000-06:00

So weak and so tired...tears filling my eyes...so I fall into your arms and hit the cold cement hard...my face hurts and is numb...as the tears roll down and onto the ground...laying in a puddle of my own blood from the fall...too weak to get up and dust off...too tired to even care...lay still maybe someone will rescue me...its your fault I say to myself...you tapped out all your resources...its your fault I say...you let yourself go and fall...you opened the door...its your fault now I say to myself...no one is coming to help you...you suck and you lose this time...this game is over...and you are all alone...dont even try any more...laying there on the cold cement wishing the pain was gone...wishing it was over...wishing I wasnt here.

Take it all

2007-08-21T16:46:00.000-06:00

Do I know where I am goin? Do I even know what the heck it is I want...my life is spinning fast around me and it wont slow down...all these choices comin at me and I dunno what to do. When are You goin to tell me what You want? Too many dreams instilled into me...why do I have to be a dreamer? Can I just not dream? Someone take these dreams away from let me be a bump on the log...let me just exist. Someone else be a leader...someone else be great...its not for me I just want to exist. Imagine a life without an imagination...imagine a life without a dreamer. Imagination is for people that hate reality...if you havent guessed yet that could be me. Now what does the world need from me? When will they see that I have the right idea's to change it...when will they ask for me to help? Can someone give me a fricken break? People tell me they are goin to help...people tell me they care. But then when somethin better comes along they peace out and say do it on your own. They dont care unless it benefits them in any way. So here is my imagination and here is my dreams...take them all away from me...and you do what has been planned out for me..you take it and dream it...peace out.

Changes

2007-08-19T22:38:00.000-06:00

Well life as I know it has changed completly...I am back home from the ranch and livin at my mom's...I havent lived here in a long time and still dunno what I think about it...its definitly goin to be different and I dont know if I like that. This summer has been the hardest summer of my life...and my thought life isnt that great...I am letting some thoughts win and I know I shouldnt...so the question now is what to do in the fall...what to do with my life...I dunno what its goin to be...so I am having some troubles right now...so if you want to pray then its for my thoughts...and my next step.

Small and unimportant

2007-08-04T22:10:00.000-06:00

Some times I feel as a child one that is alone and that no one cares about...one that no one sees as important...one that gets left out and picked on...small and unimportant...picture a child jumping up and down trying to get your attention...when saying pick me pick me...one that wants to hang with the cool kids but they dont notice...one that just wants to be loved and cared about...sometimes thats how I feel...broken and abandoned...lost and empty...alone and unloved...now I know that God loves me more then anyone else in this world could...I know that He would do anything for me and actually does pick me...I know this but sometimes you need that human touch sometimes you just need a friend...and most of the time I think people are too self absorbed and happy to get what they want that they dont care about others...and some give just enough to make it look like they care so that others dont think they are selfish...but in reality some can see right through that...dont get me wrong there are great people in this world...they are jsut hard to find cause they dont spread it infront of others to be seen they dont yell from the roof tops "HEY LOOK AT ME I AM A GREAT PERSON" nope thats not who they are...they are a great person even when no one is looking...they are a great person even when they are having a bad day...they are a great person even if it means sacrificing something of theirs...meaning their time...energy....finances....and life...that is what a great person does...you will be able to notice the ones that try to steal Gods glory...and you will be able to notice the ones who give it all to Him...sometimes I feel as if I am invisible...soon you will see I am not...soon you will see that I am important and that I can change the nation...and I am strong...so Canada watch out...cause I am comin.

My heart

2007-07-29T00:28:00.000-06:00

Well camp this week was incredable...the things that the children shared and learned amazing...but most of all my dreams are comin true.

I have been doin a lot of searching inside me...I have been doin a lot of teaching with these children...but now my friends its time for me to share my heart with you all.

You all know that I have a deep passion for children...and some of you know that I love politics well its becoming time to start going towards the goal of becoming a politician...I have decided that I need to take some schooling and need to work on that goal...all week I was teachin kids that they can change the world...and to not just sit there...well I need to take my own advice...so I am not goin to share all the details on here cause nothing is set in stone...but let me tell you september is goin to be great and I am goin to start changin canada...have a great week friends see you all soon.

Revelation off the zipline

2007-07-20T23:20:00.000-06:00

So I conquered my fear of heights and went off the zipline here at the ranch...it was a great time and scary at the same time...but I got some sweet revelation off of it...there is this bridge that you have to cross its a rope bridge and its pretty scary...one wrong step and you fall through but you are safe cause you are attached to a safety...then you get to the yellow tower and you have to jump off the zipline and when you first jump off it feels like you are goin to fall to your death...and then the harness catches you and you are safe...well I got some deep revelation on this zipline.

Walkin the bridge is like your walk with God...one wrong step and you fall....one wrong move and you are done...its long and hard and takes a lot of w ork and strength...you definitly cant do it on your own so you need your harness or you could die...then you get to the yellow tower and thats when you need to take your leap of faith and trust in God...thats when you just need to go and pray that the harness is goin to hold you...and the harness is God and at first it doesnt feel like it has you and then it does it catches you just like God catches us...and takes our fear away.

I am very afraid of hieghts and I went up this thing...and just went for it and conquered it this is my year of victory...and I need to hang on to that...I need to keep fighting and never let go of my harness in life which is God...because if I do I am goin to fall I am goin to die.

Done week two of kids

2007-07-14T11:16:00.000-06:00

Well this week was busy...but it was fun I had a blast...just for all you out there I am learning a lot about myself and how I handle frustration and stress...this year at ENR has been harder then last...and I dunno what it is...its just been hard...but I dunno what else to update you all in this note...except to say there has been a lot of physical attacks and stuff on people so prayer for that would be awesome...and yeah I can update you more later. Miss you all.

2007-07-07T22:03:00.000-06:00

Well we offically had our first week of camp and I had some good times and bad times...but let me share my week...the kids were amzing minus the fact that I think they all have hearing problems...but anyways I was sitting there thinkin one day...I am parenting their parents arent here I am the one they go to so that means I am the parent of 19 children wow that was kind of a scary thought...anyways the kids made me laugh and angry in the same hour...the kids made my heart break and frustrated in the same hour...God has been teachin me a lot of things this summer...and its all been great but you see its also been super hard cause the season I am comin into is goin to have great battles but even greater victories...I am not lookin forward to leavin this place and its a good thing cause its not even half over...I am doin DCI in the fall but am not totally sold on it...I would love to just go places and travel and spend my life doing that....I am growing lots and changing lots and seeing things from a different perspective...so yeah....some prayer for guidance would be awesome and prayer for the ENR staff and children because its been a harder summer this year...but the victory has been sweet...also I have made many new friends I hope to keep in touch with...they are awesome and I love it...so thats the update of my summer I will dtop a line later...Nikki Out!

Update on ENR life

2007-06-30T23:30:00.000-06:00

Well its only been staff training week but its still been a hard week...I am tired but its a different tired...and this year its way different then last year...and I dunno how to explain my week so that you my readers will understand...God has been workin on a lot in my life and I havent exactly welcomed it...I am trying tho...lets see what have I done this week...well I am learnin a dance ha ha yes me I am dancing not well but I am doing it...its actually kinda funny expecially the bird part ha ha...anyways I tried skate boarding in a cabin and sprained my wrist yeah that wasnt so fun but I did get back up on the board yes you knew I would thats how I roll....I met many fun new people that I am sure I am goin to be friends with for a long time they are all fun and I am excited to keep in touch with them all...ummm yes well its goin to be a fun upcoming week cause we get the sponsor kids and I am pumped to share Jesus with them...and just so you know I have gained levels...and I am a different Nikki then the one that left a week ago...anyways talk to you all soon and eh I love comments so leavin them might be sweet....Nikki Out!

Make sure they find Jesus

2007-06-21T04:22:00.001-06:00

The war is raging on…people are lying on the ground…bleeding not breathing…hearts failing…casualties everywhere…I fight…blood everywhere…I watch as people are dying realizing that my life isn’t forever…my body is temporary…and soon I will be lying on the ground…I hold my gun pointed at the enemy…I cant pull the trigger…because it looks like a human staring back at me…how do you shoot one of your own….I sit in the trench as I have to make a choice…sweat dripping down my face…all I hear is shots all around…its hot…whats my decision…wait…whats this I have been shot…the enemy has gotten me…thoughts running through my head…and all I can think of is…they don’t know Jesus…they need to know Jesus…and I didn’t share it…did I do enough…did they see Him through me…will they continue on…will they follow the One I love…the One I love…as I lay there…breathing my last breath…bleeding on the ground…I say if this it for me…if my life ends right now…make sure they know Jesus…

Its 4:20am and I am wide awake and all I can think of is this picture in my head…what happened if I were to die tomorrow…or soon…and my family didn’t know Jesus…what would happen if…I wasn’t around and something happened to them…and they didn’t know Jesus…this is what I need to get out into the world…is if…this is my last breath and my last moment…make sure they find Jesus…make sure

Its that time of year again

2007-06-19T23:17:00.000-06:00

Well friends its that time of year again...I am leavin for Eagles Nest Ranch...which means there wont be as many blogs up here...I will be blogging when I have time but for now friends this is a farewell...I hope you all have a great summer...I know I will...I am pumped for it...just please remember me in prayer...and I will be praying for all you as well....love you all.

Badass Nikki

2007-06-18T17:15:00.001-06:00

Well I have concluded I am either havin a mental breakdown or rebelling a bit...my mom said keep your long hair I chopped it all off...my mom said she hates tattoos I went and got one...well I just like changes and here is a change in my life...meh whatever

Lots of changes

2007-06-15T17:58:00.000-06:00

I am done work...my house is bein packed...I have short hair...and I am gettin a tattoo...I am leavin for ENR soon...very soon. My life is changin drastically...nothin is goin to be the same.

I had my last day of work today...and it broke my heart...to have to leave those kids...to just let them go and say goodbye...to know this is the end...and if I leave the visits far away they wont even remember who I am...I didnt think leaving that place would be this hard...I poured a little over four years of my life into that place...and now its all gone...no more.

I am movin back to my mom's house and that is ok but also not ok...I have been livin in my own place for a long time now and I enjoy it bein mine...now all my stuff will be in boxes...and things arent mine...its weird its my family...but feels like I am movin into a strangers house.

I am goin to ENR...that is prob the only thing I am lookin forward too this year...its the only thing that when I think about it...I get super excited and want to jump for joy...its goin to be a blast to see old faces and meet new ones.

I am doing an internship at the DC when I come back...I dont actually know how I feel about this...I dont actually think its on my excited list yet...I am not sure what its goin to entail...I am not sure how its goin to be...I know I will grow...but its not exciting yet.

This is the year of firsts and I am goin to fight this entire year...and I am goin to win...I just need to get excited and move forward into what God has planned next...I am more then a conquer and I can do this...its just goin to be hard...and I know that.

Nearing the end

2007-06-11T00:23:00.000-06:00

Well folks its gettin close to my last day of work...in five days I will be done at Southview Kiddie Kampus forever. Now you may think I am happy cause thats how I have been sounding the last few days and weeks...but its hitting me now...I am goin to be done there forever those kids who have become my own will move on and forget all about me...forget I even existed...now thats depressing to me...I treat those kids like they are all mine...I am very over protective of them...I dont know what to do....because on friday I will be saying goodbye to many children I have grown to love and some I have watch grow from a baby to a school aged child.

I am pretty pumped about the new chapter I am startin in my life...I get to go to Eagles Nest Ranch again this summer and then do an internship at The Dreamcentre....but....how do you say goodbye...to a place you have poured four years into...how do you leave a place you know you are loved so much...how do you leave a place that has taught you many valuable lessons...well after friday I will tell you how...because I will know...I will have left a place that is dear to my heart....a place I will never forget.

Lets look at the past four years...snotty noses...stinky diapers...bruised knees...bleeding children...crying children...all the smiles...all the hugs and kisses...and every kind word it was so worth it...and I am goin to miss everything about it.

Here are a few qoutes from children that I have head there...

"Did you know God even loves me too?"- a child that was never really told that

"Cole when I grow up I want to be a great teacher just like you"-a child who believed in me...made my heart melt

I have learned so much from these children...they are the ones in my life who have believed in me the most...they trusted me...they are who we should be like...they didnt doubt me...they tested my patience...but they truly know how to love...and they loved who I was...and not what I looked like...and I pray that when I leave the seed I have sown in them...never leaves them...the time I gave them and the love I gave them...they never forget it...well 5 more days...I can do this.

What do girls do on girls nights?

2007-06-03T20:15:00.001-06:00

Here was most boys think girls do on girls nights...they get in their underwear and have pillow fights...and talk about the boys...and you know whatever a boy can think of.

Well let me tell you thats not true...Lets see what do girls do well they walk to superstore and get whistled at by many cars that the boy inside think reving the engine is a turn on...which its not by the way...then they go and buy chocolate covered espresso beans and rent movies...so now they eat them and watch the movies...and cant sleep...so at about 2am they go play in the park and take pictures knowing they are goin to be very tired when they have to wake up for church in the morning...well girls nights are lots of fun...and we ate lots of sugar...and its great times.

So for all the boys who read this we dont actually run around in our underwear...we dont actually have pillow fights...but we do talk about boys ha ha...anyways thats all I need to say for now...Nikki Out!

By me

2007-05-28T22:47:00.000-06:00

Freedom taking love beyond the one with knowledge-Nicole

Something I wrote take it how you want...

Thinking

2007-05-27T20:09:00.000-06:00

Well it’s almost the middle of 2007 and I am sitting here lookin at my friends blogs and reading things and stuff and I stop to think…these friends that I am reading about…I only see on the computer screen…these were the people I spent every weekend with…these were the people that were always at my house playing games mainly mafia…but these were the people I called true friends who have been there for me at all times…now I read about there lives on a computer screen…now I sit here and wonder where did all that go…what happened?

I have a completely different group of friends…a completely different life…and a completely different future…and they aren’t in it…I read about there lives on the computer screen and randomly catch them on msn…but I don’t see them in person even tho some live in Medicine Hat…I don’t ever talk to them on the phone…even the ones who say they are my best don’t call…my life has changed completely…and I don’t even know that Nicole I used to be.

Now some of you may look at this as a good thing cause it means change…it means I have grown it means my faith is in God…but where did they go…why don’t I get to see them…and when will our paths meet?

These were the friends I entrusted my life in…these were the friends I knew would back me up…they would fight for me…they would kick me in the butt when needed…but was I moving?

I can honestly say I wasn’t…I can honestly say I was just living a life…nothing spectacular…these were also the friends who said are you sure you want to do that…these were also the friends who said I cant do things…these were the friends who laughed at my ideas…these were the friends who gave me weird looks when I said I wanted to be a politician…these were the friends who couldn’t dream with me…now don’t get me wrong not all of them were like that…but was I moving?

No…I wasn’t…am I now? Yes I am…the life I have now is filled with people who believe in me…filled with people who I can really trust…filled with a future…filled with people who will fight for my dreams…who will stand beside them…these are the people who truly get it…who truly know how to be a friend…now again not all of them do…but there are a special few that I know…I can really trust.

The difference between then and now is…I am a passionate person…I am one who can dream…I will grab something and run with it and conquer it…I will succeed in anything I try to do…but back then…if I brought an idea to the table it was shot down fast…if I mentioned something we should change it was laughed at…if I opened my mouth they would roll their eyes and go…oh here she goes again…I literally felt stupid and a failure…and that I lost…and that they wouldn’t even care if I wasn’t there…life would go on.

Some of the people I hang out with now…I open my mouth and they get excited to hear what I have to say cause its goin to be a great idea…they like to hear it…the dream and believe with me…they will help me reach my goals…and when I forget to dream they remind me of what God has placed in my heart…they get it…they know how to be a friend...I feel like I can take on the world with them…I feel like anything I deal with is small cause I have an army to help take it out…I can dream.

Now again don’t get me wrong…I truly loved everything I had with those friends and I truly love what I have with these friends…but when I look at my life now…who would have thought I would be where I am today…I wasn’t even supposed to make it past 18…I wasn’t supposed to be the one that has no kids and graduated college…no that’s not what people had said I would do…they were wrong…I proved to them that I am more then a conquer…and that my Daddy has my back.

Nobody truly knows the dreams and visions in my heart…the things I want to do…the brains I actually have…and the guts to do it all…nobody knows…but soon they will see…that there is more to me then I ball of energy…there is more to me then the loud person nobody likes…there is more…and it will be seen that I am a…pioneer.

Legally Blonde 2 and taking on the world

2007-05-27T00:10:00.000-06:00

Who would think that you would get amazing revelation out of a simple movie like Legally Blonde 2...now you are thinkin what the heck??? Legally Blonde 2 no way...well I could write an entire book on how this movie is insipiring and can impact many women to go for their dreams...I could show you the times when she takes on the world no matter what anyone says no matter who stands in her way...she doesnt change who she is...she doesnt compramise situations...she believes what she believes and stands her ground...and she didnt stop in her own city she took it to the biggest people she could think of...Washington

Ok now on to the explaining because by this point some of you are standing there goin uhh ok Nikki has lost it this time...Well for those of you who have seen the movie knows that she is a laywer and that she worked really hard in the first movie to get where she is...well in this movie she wants to get a bill passed that stops animal testing...there are so many people who dont take her serouisly and are against her...she decides to do things her way and not the way the world wants her to do things...she does in an unconvential way...a way no one else would even think of doing becfause they would be afraid of what people would say...for a bit in the movie she thought she lost her voice and was like no I am goin to use my own voice...there was a qoute in this movie that strummed a chord in my heart and that was "an honest voice is louder then a crowds...trust your voice"

This girl in this movie is constantly reminded of what she needs to do...and thats finish what she started and she ends up getting favor with people there and she is not alone and has great friends who are willin to help her...she is making new trails...she is a pioneer

Pioneer as defined in the dictionary is
1.
a person who is among those who first enter or settle a region, thus opening it for occupation and development by others.
2.
one who is first or among the earliest in any field of inquiry, enterprise, or progress:

now she started new things...she was relevent...she has wisdom...she was unconventional...she changed the world...she made a way for others...she made a mark...and they will always remeber her even when she has passed...the will always remember Elle Woods.

During this entire movie all I could think of was Superchick's song-Me against the world...then at the end they play the song...it was amazing.

This is who I want to be...not the pink wearing...dog in the purse carring...sorority ring wearing girl no...I want to be the world changer...I want to be the one who is relevent...the one who does whatever they want...and doesnt care what people think...I want to be a pioneer...for some reason thats the word thats in my heart...Pioneer...thats what I want...I am a pioneer

When...

2007-05-22T23:18:00.000-06:00

When will you notice?
Notice the way I look at you
They way I laugh at everything you say
Everyday I hang out with you I always wonder
When will you notice?
The way I compliment you on your style
Notice the way I do what you want
Everyday I try…
To get you to notice
They way I support you in your dreams
They way I am always there for you
You notice all the others around you
You notice the pretty…slim perfect ones
But…
When will you notice me?
Standing here waiting for you to notice me
You look so hard and want what I want
You dream like I dream
You vision what I vision
When will you notice that…
I am standing right here

Nicole Andrews
23

Oh yes blogging

2007-05-21T20:27:00.000-06:00

Hmm yes I havent really blogged in awhile...cause really there has been no ispiration or anything to blog about...but here is an update on my weekend...friday...I went out with a couple of friends and played pool...on saturday was a very eventful day of shopping and I bought new shoes...ha ha like I need new shoes but they make me happy and so I had to get them...and then I went bowling on saturday night...yes people the very thing I hate to do I actually did...I went bowling and actually had a great time...I was trying to perfect this girls technique a couple of lanes over who sucked more then I do...and well by the end of the night I had the swing and drop technique down pat...ha ha...then sunday went to church as usual and then lunch...and then had one of the greatest nights ever...so much laughing and fun we played board games and the watched a movie it was good times...then today I went shopping with some friends and another great time...and now I am chillaxin and about to go play pool with some friends and tomrrow is another great day of shoppping and gettin ready for when I go to the ranch...ohh great fun then wednesday its back to work so thats the short update on the life of Nikki...and dont worry so great writing is brewing in my head and you my readers will have somethin great to read soon.

Time

2007-05-15T20:12:00.000-06:00

Time as defined in the dictionary means the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.

Time...you may have a lot of it...you may have barely any...its that one thing that is constantly changing....that one thing you really have no control over...people tell you do you have time to do this...what time can you come...I dont have time...how much time do you need...what time is it...this is how much time I am giving you...so time can mean different things to different people.

Time could be the longest space between two destinations...time could also be too short and you wish you had more of it...time could be the difference between life and death...time could kill or heal...time can be a weapon or hope.

Time...what is time...what does time mean to you...do you dread it...or do you look forward to it...do you take advantage and live every day...every hour....every minute...and every second to its potential...do you take every moment in life and cherish it...or do you throw time away and waste it...as if there is always goin to be more...but thats not the case...time does run out...your life on earth is not forever...you do run of time.

Time...live as if its the shortest distance between two places.

World changers in the grave

2007-05-11T00:00:00.000-06:00

It is midnight I am in my room listening to the sound of a kitten playing in the dark...the only light is the light emitting from my laptop...and inspiration and creativity...and swirling thoughts have entered my head.

William Blake had this great qoute that I very much enjoyed "I must create a system or be enslaved by another man’s; / I will not reason and compare: my business is to create." I read this qoute and was like wow...yes a man that knows where my heart is...so I decided to look this man up and see who he was.

He was alive from November 28th 1757- August 12th 1827...now this man had some far out ideas and some of them were truth and some not...but he was only human and cannot be right all the time...but one thing that was said about him was great and here it is Blake believed that the joy of man glorified God and that the religion of this world is actually the worship of Satan....now he believed this in his time...look at the dates again 1757-1827...that was a long time ago....and yet churches today are just starting to realize religion is not of God...churches today are just starting to change mindsets...its crazy this man who has been dead for a long time now was not accepted and acknowledged in his time...but in 2007 people are putting ideas he has created and poems he has written are being read now and accepted...crazy isnt it.

Well most people who are famous are famous after their time...and most people who are world changers like this man...are world changers after they are already gone and they dont see the difference their words have made...sad at times...but great also because their words live on...God changed somethin through them that stands time...and thats whats amazing about it.

I want to change the world...I am a world changer...and most of the time people dont see eye to eye with my opinions and sometimes my opinionated spirit gets in the way and in trouble but...reading about this man gives me hope that maybe the words I speak the ideas I have and the things I want to change...will happen and I may not get to see it...but I know its in Gods hands and He will see it come to pass...and all will be good.

I have big dreams...to become a politician...to see Canada changed...and to get ideas of mine out there so that we can better this country...but if I never become a politician I pray that my words dont go to the grave with me...and that they will live on.

My advice to you is write your thoughts and ideas down...dont let them be stuck with you...dont let them be hidden...because this world may need them...this world may not need them now...but the future generations may need them...and you wouldnt want to fail them would you.

One last thought before I go...how many great ideas...how many cures to diseases...how many world changing ideas are in our grave sites today?

What have I become?

2007-05-05T01:26:00.000-06:00

So today...yes today I had a thought...a revelation...a relisation...an epipahny...a truth finding moment...whatever you would call a moment...a moment where your standing outside yourself looking in...and saying is that really me...is this really my life...am I there...no but for real...when did I become this person.

Now you are probably wondering what person I am talking about well lets paint the picture for you...so when I had this thought I was standing in my church...worshipping my God...around my Christian friends...being there for the younger generation...praying they would find God...through things we did....and by speaking Gods word.

Doesnt sound out of the ordinary to any of you now does it...well thats becuase most of my readers have only known me for a short time...and all of you have known me as this...Nicole who is a Christian who is going to change the world...and spread Gods word...yes thats me...now.

Lets travel back hmmm about lets go....8 years...would have put me in about grade ten...now I was the kid in school who was the skeptic...that may actually be a good thing...I wasnt a very nice kid...some would say I was a jerk...the one who would pick on you for no good reason...just because I didnt like you...I did not like what I called BIBLE THUMPERS....yes those were the kids who wore God on their sleeves...those were the kids who made it known that they were sold on Jesus Christ...those were the kids who said "I may not be cool in your eyes but I am in Gods eyes" ha ha LAME...anyways I was always very skeptical of those kids...and wondered what their garbage was cause every one has dirty laundry...they always tried to get you to go to church...and listen to their music...and they actually wanted you to hang out with them...ha ha me...not a chance...I wouldnt be caught dead hangin with them...I was the one kid that played it cool...only did what the others were doing cause it was cool...didnt want to leave the pack....well thats who I was...I didnt like the bible thumpin...scripture qoutin...cross carrin...satan bashin...JESUS FREAKS.

So I was standing there...in my church...worshipping my God...around my Christian friends...being there for the younger generation...praying they would find God...through things we did....and by speaking Gods word....what the hell....when did I become a bible thumpin...scripture qoutin...cross carrin...satan bashin...JESUS FREAK?

I have become everything I had boycotted in my past...I have become the very thing I didnt like...and living this life as if I know nothing else...like its normal...like I have been doing it all my life...I am a Jesus Freak...now I am not saying this is a bad thing...this is just a relization...something I noticed standing outside myself watching me around the younger generation worshipping my God...

I am a Christian...and damn proud of it ;)

Ohhh I swore a couple of times in this one...get over it...religion is dead...I'm over it

Update

2007-05-02T17:08:00.000-06:00

So I realized its been awhile since I blogged...well whats been up in Nikki's life...lets see I got my wisdom teeth out on monday yeah that was no fun...I was extremly scared and then when I left I was like what the heck why was I scared...anyways its been an interesting time since then...I havent been able to eat much...mainly pudding and apple sauce...to some of you that might sound fun to me who has grown to love food it is not fun...I have all this yummy food that I would love to eat but cant...so I went to the mall today to get some groceries...and I tried eatign soup in the food court ha ha funniest thing you would have ever seen...I as spilling it and it just was missin my mouth...this weird lady was watchin me lookin at me funny but eh I couldnt help it I have a fat face sheesh...anyways I am hoping that the swelling goes down soon cause I dont like it...I have one more day of rest before I have to go back to work so thats pretty good...well thats a little update on me...I will update you more when I am not on T3'S and not so tired.

Random trip to nowhere

2007-04-24T00:55:00.000-06:00

I love those nights when you arent really doing anything and you are having the time of your life...we went out to the middle of nowhere tonight to watch a meteor shower that we barely saw...and it was the best time I had in a long time...it was so great...we laughed, joked and had great fun....a good refresher...thanx God for givin me this time...I enjoyed myself...somethin I havent done in a long time.

What the heck?

2007-04-22T17:45:00.000-06:00

So it all started at the beggining of the year when Pastor Al said this is my year of firsts...and I wont have to do anything things will just have to come....well all of you who read this know I dont really plan I fly by the seat of my pants...well I dunno what happened but I have been trying to plan what I am goin to do in the fall...I quit my job and will be done on June 15th...then I am goin to the ranch for the summer...well my plan for september was to move away...I really didnt care where I just wanted to get away...well all that has changed...my life was planned and God had a different idea the entire time...I am applying for an internship at The Dreamcentre this fall and I am workin on a couple of other things as well...and its crazy thats the last thing I ever thought I would be doing.

I have had this really hard week that I just wanted to scream and perhaps end it all...but then today...today at church...I let go I gave it all to God...and I am free...well lets hope this attitude continues to happen cause I am sure people like the happy Nikki better...so lets see here this is the year of firsts...I am stepping into a new season of my life...I am stepping into somethin I never in any lifetime thought I would be doing...its truly amazing....oh yeah and I am movin back in with my mom...so we will see how this all works out...that is unless I can find somewhere I dont have to pay rent ha ha yeah ok...anyways God has changed my life and twisted it and turned it upside down...well here we go...stepping into somethin new...bring it on.

What would you do?

2007-04-18T20:44:00.001-06:00

What would you do if you had one last day to live? Would you run to everyone you know and tell them how much you care? Tell them how much you love them…and show them that you cared all along…

Why wait till those last moments…why wait till they say you have one day left…you have one hour left…you have one minute left. You should be telling them all along…tell your family…tell your friends…and even your co workers and others…every one that comes into your life each day knows a piece of you. So instead of waiting till they say you are goin to die…tell them now that you care.

Everyone who reads this everyone who cares…everyone who I talk to…everyone that has crossed my path…forgive me of anything I have done to you or said to you.

And I truly care about all of you....and I appreciate every thing you all have done for me...it will always be remembered...and dont forget to tell the people in your life that you care.

2007-04-14T22:32:00.000-06:00

If the world were dreamers and the people believers what would that be like?

If the world were believers and the people were dreamers what would that look like?

If you believed in our future and I believed in your past what could we accomplish?

If I wasnt scared of you nor you of me who would we affect?

If the world were dreamers and the people believers...life would cease to exist