Control

I have been holding on to this too long
My hand is starting to hurt from it
I want to give it up to you
I want to be free of this
This is my life, so it should be my choice
I slowly reach my hand up to you
And I say “take it”
God take this control
My life is yours
And all that is in it
You have the control now
My hand has the indent of where I held on so tight
The mark of the keys to my life

This is just a little blurb I wrote tonight. One of the main things I have been struggling with is giving God control. I want all control so I know whats going to happen next and so things go my way. That is a little bit of the only child coming out in me ha ha. Anyways tonight I am saying God take control its not me that should be in charge I am screwing up every minute...its you that needs to take my life and do with it as you please. It's in better hands now. I just want to be where you are Daddy. Thats the cry of my heart. Thats what I long for. Thats what I crave. This is a huge step for me cause some of my friends know how much control means to me. So here I go on my own adventure.

God is Good

There is so much I wanted to say lets hope I remember it. Today at church I was in worship and I love worship but lately I havent been able to get into worship. Today was amazing tho and it was breakthrough. I have come up with that I am completly satisfied with being single right now. I am ok with not knowing who I am going to marry and all I want to do right now is get closer to God. Today I felt the love that I first felt when he saved me from where I was at the beggining of my Christian walk. I felt my Daddy in Heaven come down and give me the greatest hug ever. And all I want to do now is get close to Him...I crave Him...I hunger for Him. I am so excited to see what He is going to do in my life. Today I had this moment with God that I have had once before and I love it I crave it I need it. I am just on fire again. This is different then I have ever felt, this week is going to be different. I feel like I stepped up to a new level. I feel like things are refreshed. This depression I feel...I feel like it has been liften off my shoulders, just think I have been dealing with that all my life and today I feel like the chains are off. I can actually move and I feel like I can do anything. I am jsut so excited to see what is to come. God is so amazing. I feel the love of the Father, I am excited to be alive for once. I am excited to see my friends dreams come true. The evangilist in me is back in action and wants to work again. Tomorrow when I wake up things are going to be different things are going to be great. I have been waking up in a good mood these last few days and I knew something big was going to happen and it did. I am FREE.

I need HELP(not that kind of help)

Ok I know I have blogged jsut recently but I have a problem and I need to tell someone. This is a huge problem and its taking over my life. I am pretty sure that it is the main reason why I cant sleep at night. And therefore the reason I am sick all the time. I dont know what to do about the problem and I am having troubles talking about it. Its pretty much takin over my thought life. Ok here it goes....I am addicted to blogging and blogging comments. All I think about all day is if someone commented on my blog or if someone replied to a comment I left on someone else's blog. I crave the blogs and I cant get off them. I get up in the morning and the first thing I do is check my blog and my friends blogs. When is the madness going to stop. I know you are proabably laughing right now but this is a serous problem. It's as serouis as Josh's obesity problem. I get so excited when there are more comments then the last time I checked like five minutes ago. And the sad thing is I think my friends are falling for the blogging world soon they also will be trapped and under its death grip. I dunno how to get out...I guess I will be blogging forever. Well I am out all pray for me.

About nothing really

Ok so I wanted to write a new blog cause I like writing blogs but I didnt know what to write about so I am going to write whatever I am thinking about at the moment...this could be scary. So I didnt go to practicum today cause I am sick again. But yeah whatever mmm I am eatin ichiban its sooo good. So its really nice outside again like I wore shorts yesterday its so nice and today I think I may wear shorts again or not. Hmmm so we are going to Gerv's birthday tonight and you know what that means.....there could be cake. Mmmmm cake I really like cake. You know what I like about cake so much I like how moist cake is and the icing and just how yummy it is. So there are three more weeks left of pracitcum and then I am done school man I am sooooo excited cause I really dont like school its not fun to me. I am watching tv while writing this blog so I keep getting distracted. Hey guess what tomorrow is saturday that means its sleep in day. I need to do the dishes, but I am just going to leave them till later yeah thats a good idea. Mmmm I am still hungry. Welll I dont want to type anymore so I am going now I am out.

The lost, empty and brokenhearted

There are so many people in this world that are empty and alone. They fill their pain with drugs and alcohol. There are some many people walking the halls of schools like zombies and you look into their eyes and see the pain, the pain that they carry. Everyone has a story of who they are today and why they feel so lost. If someone doesnt believe in God...what do they believe in? If someone doesnt believe that there is a higher calling on their life and that they are here for a reason...then what are they living for? If someone's identity isnt in Christ Jesus...then who are they? The pain that they feel, I feel. The hurt and sadness they carry, I carry. It breaks my heart to see this in my own city, in my own province, and in my own country. Where is the love in Canada? People fill their lives with the love of money and possesions. Think about the word possesion....can also mean possesed, hmmm yeah people are possesed over their possesions, they dont feel or see love in people so they have these items in their life to try and fill the void but yet they are still empty. In countries where there is no money there are happy children. You know why cause all they have to live off of is love...they have no possesions to fill the void, they have love and thats what you need. Yes there is disease and death in those countries but at least they know that someone loved them. It isnt hard to tell someone that you care, whether its an encouraging note or coffee or just a smile. This blog may mean nothing to you...but my heart is where the lost are and I can feel how they feel...I know that you say then why arent you doing something about it...I am, I am lliving my normal day and loving the people who need it. I take the time to listen to someone when they need to talk. I take the time to bend down and tell a child that I care jsut by listening to them. I take the time to listen to a teenager about the boy they like or what is going on at home. I take the time to tell my friends that I care about them. I am not perfect, no body can be...but I take the time. This is something that was on my mind today so I needed to write it out and tell someone. You may be the only Jesus that someones sees so portray Him right. This blog sounded better in my head then it does on here but the words just dont come out the way I want them to.

Blog yeah thats a good title

Well I decided to write a real blog now and not continue the wars on the blogs. Even tho its great fun and I had fun but time to write.Well I dunno actually what to write maybe I should put a poem up on here. Since there were some requests for it.

I feel like the world is against me
I feel like this is the worst day of my life
The world is crashing around me
Then my Daddy picks me up in His arms
I feel like I am never going to make it
I feel like I am useless
I want to see above my circumstance
Then my Daddy puts me on His shoulders
I feel unloved
I feel like there is nobody to talk to
I just wanna run
Then my Daddy snuggles me and never lets go
I cry and I laugh with Him
I talk and play with Him
He is my world
He is everything to me
He is all I need
I love Him
Nicole Andrews 22

Its not the best piece of work I have ever made but I like it. For those of you who may not know I have never ever met my real father so God is the only Father I know and I like it that way. Its been a hard and long road getting to know my Father God but its amazing in the process. Well thats all I have to say right now. I am out.

Refreshing

Well tonight was faithworks but it wasnt no ordinary faithworks. We had guest speakers tonight so both classes were together and the service was opened to all others as well. Now as we all know I have been going through some troubles these last few weeks...some would say I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Funny story tonight's service was about becoming an overcomer...now I have sat through "overcomer" services before...but this time was different. So tonight the pastor said that its your attitude will determine how far you go with God and in life....now think about that for a moment...my attitude has stunk in the past couple of weeks. My attitude stands in my way....hmmmm yeah I get it....There were a few keys that he went over to become an overcomer...the first one was Consider the Opportunities...that means when you see a challenge look at the opputunities not the problems...the second one was take confidence in God..hmmm that is hard at times but what the pastor said is that God will carry me on His shoulders to His promised land...He is going to pick me up and carry me to my destiny...the last key was wait for it....Correct self image....ouch....which means you will never be an overcomer untill you see yourself as one...hmmm yeah I get it...Tonight was amazing for me I felt like I was in the only one in the room and that he was speaking to me...this is what I needed to hear and get revelation on tonight....Ok now wait for it this is the most powerful part of it...the pastor got us to stand up and think of something we are going through and to tell it that we will overcome it...well I thought of two things and they were my financial troubles and depression and I said I will overcome it....and I believe it...I may have sweat through the eyeballs a bit.....tonight I got true revelation that God really does love me and that He cares about me and no problem is too big for Him to handle...I AM A MIGHTY WOMEN OF GOD....yeah I am...you heard...and I know there have been people praying for this very moment and thank you guys for not giving up...I am sorry that this blog is kinda long and a bit of a teaching but its something that I needed to get out...I wrote a poem about this but I am not going to put it up here yet....well I am out have a great week...ohh and Dawn guess what....I care about me and am starting to like myself.

Meh

I am not good enough to praise you...I am not worthy of all that you have done for me and yet you still continue to do things for me...At church today we learned about this is the year for success and I know that this is my year...God today told me to give Him all control during worship during this one song...and I still had troubles but maybe just maybe I should take Dawn's advice and start small maybe I will do that. Well this weekend was pretty cool we did a lot of stuff. On friday we had a party at Mel's and that was fun, cause I got to see her...umm Andrea stayed at my house the weekend and that was fun cause I had a cuddle partner I love cuddling...saturday Andrea and I went shopping and maybe I should tell you what happened at Wendy's...yeah she locked her keys in the car with the car still running ha ha I mean it wasnt funny. Ummm saturday night we went bowling and that was fun even tho I hate bowling...then we played a great game of spoons...ummm sunday we went to church then we went swimming and that was fun cause it got my mind off of things that I have been thinking about. Well even with all this fun and seeing friends I havent seen in awhile I still managed to be grumpy mostly on the inside cause I didnt want anyone to know or to ruin anyones fun. Umm I am tired of people not taking me serouis...I am a smart person and nobody thinks that...the funny thing is at church today they were talking about you are gonna make it and dont give up and stuff...and thats stuff thats been on my mind a lot...even tho I dont think I will ever go back I am at the point of no return right now...I dont want to go back to my old life cause it sucked...I was always in the bars and I was alwyas drunk and I hated life...I have something going for my right now and I want to pursue this life...I want to pursue my God...and I want Him to pursue me...I want this but...On the other hand I dont...I want to give up and go back to my old life...even tho it sucked i got to escape...I want to run...I want to get out...but I know its not an option...I dunno what to do right now...I believe that I am in a depressed state right now and thats hard for me to admit...I also think I may be bi-polar I know some of you think that those are lies from the devil but I dunno...we will see all I see is I am not worthy I am not worthy for someone so perfect...why would someone give His life for me I used to understand it but its soooo much deeper and I want to figure it out...I am not worthy enough to have the friends that I have...I am not worthy of this life...I am too the point right now where I dont want to get up in the morning and I just want to lay their forever...well I whined enough in my blog...have a great week all.

thoughts in my head

Running my own life is the way I like it...crawling on the ground looking for a safe place...no where looks safe at this point...wanting to keep the ball in my court...afraid what will happen if I give up all control...wearing chains and not wanting to give them up...trapped in my own trap...my mind tells me I am not good enough and to just give up...this isnt the life I imagined...this is isnt my dreams coming true...will it ever happen for me...will I get out of this trap...I made my bed and now I have to lie in it...crawiling on the ground looking for a safe place...cant do this on my own anymore...but I still want control...its my life isnt it...its my world...I can do it on my own...the control belongs to me...not ready to give it up...gonna keep it for awhile...lost and losing control...cant find my way home...

Have you ever?

Have you ever felt meh for no reason? Have you ever just not cared for no reason? I have had a pretty incredible week but today I feel meh. I had a cool night at sattilite but yet I feel meh. I dunno how to shake this and I dont know where it is comin from. There is so much in my life that is gettin me down and I feel like if I run away it will be all gone. Maybe to another city or another country. I dunno what to do. You know what I hate...I hate my thoughts...I hate thinking. If I am ever left to sit here and think on my own its dangerous cause my thoughts go and I cant catch up and they places I dont want them to go. I know take your thoughts captive is what people would say. You know what else I am starting to hate the Christian answer. If you have a problem someone will give you the Christian answer how about be real yeah that would be great. My mind is not all here tonight and I am kinda grumpy and I just dont care right now. My mind is where it was at the beggining of the year and some of you know where that was. I hate it but at the same time I love it. I love fear and I love just being meh. I dunno why its just something that I have grown accustomed to. Yeah well I jsut wanted to say what was on my mind night all.

God provides

Well God does provide and boy do I have a story for you. Well its tax season the season everyone hates. Well my mom was lookin over my taxes and she came back to my house and told me that I was gonna get $866 back. Now for those of you who dont know I havent paid rent yet this month and a few of my bills are overdue. I have been asking God to help me take care of it. Well my mom took to this place were they finish your taxes and give you the money the next day. I got home and just thanked God...because He does provide.....He told me not to worry and I gave it up to Him and He came through. I am sooo excited. This is the year! I have been saying that all along and I am really stepping into it. I have nothing to worry about because God is on my side. My mom even reconized that God was the one who provided this for me and that is another miracle. I am sooo thankful to have God in my life. I am also tahnkful for the amazing supportive friends God has thrown my way. You guys rock.....and thank you for being there. I am sooo excited that I dont have to worry about my finances and that God I know He is there for me. This is also going to be another amazing weekend...Melissa is home for the week and Andrea is stayin at my house for the weekend and I have had amazing weekends after amazing weekends its incredible. Well thats all I have to say so talk to you all later.

This is the YEAR!

Well last night was incredible....I had an awesome at this thing in brooks. It was a worship thing for young adults I do believe...and some of our worship team was there and it was amazing. God was speaking to me like crazy and you could tell that everyone in the room was totally getting rocked by God. There was some confirmation on dreams of mine for me last night and I am sooo excited for my dreams to come to pass. I 100% beliece that this is the year. Like for real this is the year. It is sunday today and I woke up in an ok mood its great when that happens. I like waking up in a good mood. Does'nt happen very often so I get excited when it does. There is so many things that are happening this year that already show me this is the year. I dunno what else God has instore for this year but I know it will be great...ohh yeah and I am going to the ranch this summer woohoo. Well I am out talk to you all later.

My last two days

Ok so I know my last two blogs were like all happy and things are going great. Well the last two days have been horrible for me. Not the whole day just parts of them. Thursday was ok at work I had an awesome time and then I went to c&c and I hate theme nights but it was ok...it was a mexian fiesta night by the way. Anyways then I get home and I am sitting here thinking and I was getting very angry as minutes where going by...my problem is I can get angry at the drop of a hat....it takes seconds. Angry pretty much controls my life and I hate it. Umm Friday was ok some people from edmoton are stayin at my house cause we all had a wedding to go to...so we went for breakfast in the morning and I got to hang out with them...then we went to the wedding...I love weddings by the way. They are so amazing but then again I think all women love weddings. Except when there is n0thing else to do I get thinking and for me thinking is dangerous. I should not be aloud to be by myself and think nope no way. Sometimes weddings make me sad and its not cause I want to get married right now...althougth that would be great. Its other reasons and so tonight I have been in a bad mood...and the littlest things set me off and it sucks. I hate being in a bad mood. I hate getting angry I just dunno what to do. I dunno this week has been amazing and I am a changed person but my high is comin down and I need to keep it up. I just when I get angry cant anymore and I snap. Well its getting late its after 2am I should maybe think about going to sleep. We are going to brooks tomorrow and I think that will be fun...we get to see Andrea and thats going to be exciting. Well I am out.

Thank You

I just wanted to write a blog quick saying people actually care and love me. I was reading my comments today and sitting here thinking about it and its true you guys care. Hmmm I think I just got true revelation on it just now...and for those of you who know me thats breakthrough. Ohhh man Dawn I am sweating through my eyeballs again. LOL Well I just wanted to leave that note...Thank You everyone and I love you too.

Interesting Times

My last couple of weeks have been pretty interesting. I told a friend that last week was the most powerful crappy week ever. Ha ha ha yeah I know that may not make sense to some of you but it does to me. I had an extremly busy and tireing week but then the weekend came. And I got to see Dawn and hang out with her all weekend. God did soooo much this weekend it was amazing. I had a breakthrough and I learned a lot of things. I got closer to an amazing friend coughdawncough lol. I know that God has this amazing plan for my life...the thing I dont like is that I dont know how its all going to play out. I wish just sometimes God would let us in on His plan. I know some of the plan but I dont know how to get there. I know that we are just supposed to put our trust in God but where I am at right now its harder to do then say. I am at a spot in my life where I cant see the hope, I cant see anything I dont know how to get out of this. I am stuck and I need help. I wrote a poem I am going to share:

Too heavy to walk I have fallen
My legs are not strong enough to hold me
They shake and quiver as I try to stand
So I drag myself across the ground
I want to keep going because quitting is not an option
My vision is starting to get blurry
I cant see the finish line anymore
I cant see anyone around me anymore
I am weak and tired
I need someone to help me
My soul cries out
My soul screams out
My body aches
There is so much weight on my shoulders
It feels like someone is holding me down
Where are you?
You said you would never leave
How come I cant feel you?
Cant move anymore
Come and rescue me

Nicole Andrews 22

There is sooo much that I need to get through right now and I believe that this weekend was a stepping stone to my future. Quitting is not an option.

Road Trip

Well I am back from my road trip to Edmonton. Yeah it was fun I am not a big fan of lobg care rides tho. The best part was getting to see my friends. I got to stay at Dawn's house and that was fun. We went to some new restraunts that I havent been to. I actually want to move to Sherwood Park now I really liked it. The church I went to was kick butt...they are simliar to my church here in the Hat. Ohhh and you will never guess what I let Dawn do...he he I let her put make-up on me...yes I wore make-up. It was kinda cool and didnt look bad at all. It was a struggle the first time she put it on me ha ha she sat on me and did it. Yeah I got see the Chadwicks and they are a cool family that I love in Edmonton and we hung out with Ed too. Connie hung out with us for the one night. I really like it up there. Everytime I go up there I find a different reason for moving up there....its always something that has been on my mind. It has been on my mind for the last year. Hmm I dunno...but anyways I am really tired so I think I may go to bed soon. Have a great week all.

My amazing night!

Ok well now that my mind isnt going as crazy as it was last night I can share with you all about my amazing night. Ok so last night I went to my faithworks class...for those of you who dont know what faithworks is...its a bible college class from Hillsongs Church in Australia and its an evening class that is taught at my church. So anyways I went to it last night and I havent actually been to it all term cause my other college classes conflict with me going. But I decided to skip my college class last night and I ended up at faithworks. So anyways it totally was God that I was there. At the beggining we prayed for about 45 minutes and we normally pray at the beggining but not that long it was sooooo amazing and I got filled up and I got some amazing words. Here is what was said over me: One of the girls said that I am going to have a daycare centre that is going to stand out, it is going to show others how its done. She also said she got two words they were ester and rescue...she said just like ester rescued her people I am going to rescue children. One of the other girls prayed and said that she saw a picture she saw a white tea cup with a blue trim and it was so detailed and uniqe. She said it was God's favorite tea cup and He liked to fill it with hot chocolate with whip cream on top and chocolate chavings and sprinkles...she said the He loved how sweet the hot chocolate was. Then she said He craves it...He looks for this cup all the time. The goes on to tell me that I am the tea cup...when God needs that sweetness He looks for me and He craves to be around me. He loves me and looks for me. Ohhh and they said that the colorful sprinkles on top describes my personality that I am colorful and fun. Then one of the other girls prays for me and says that I am called to be a leader of leaders. She said that I am going to be a mother of MANY children. Children who dont have mothers of fathers I will be there for them. She said dont give up and dont isolate myself because thats what the enemy wants. He knows that I am going to affect many children and he doesnt want that so he is going to try and keep me away. She also said dont doubt and do go other ways no matter how tempting it is stick on this path cause I am on the right path. Even when I keep going around the mountian over and over again God has always been there and He has never left or got frustrated with me. She also prayed for the desires of my heart to quicken to come faster. Yeah so that is what was spoken over me and I was so empowered and filled when I left last night it was amazing. For those of you who dont know the whole month of January I pretty much isolated myself and kept going around the same spot in the mountian and I had doubts if I was supposed to do this job. I wanted to change careers already. But this night of prayer pretty much told me I am on the right path. Also I have dreams for this amazing daycare that is going to change the way people think about children and how daycares are supposed to be run. I said someday when someone is taking the program I am in they are going to be reading my name in a text book. I knew that God told me this is the year. I also know that this is my year of intimacy with the Father and I just stepped into the beggining of that I just stepped into it and I am soooo happy. I am ready to take on whatever right now. All I have wanted to do this week is worship the Father and I have cause He is soooo amazing and I love Him. Well there is sooo much more I could say but this is turning out to be a huge blog so I am gonna go. Ohhh and guess what I found out today...my class last night that I thought I skipped was actually cancelled. The girls today told me that the instructor had left a note on the board saying class was cancelled. That confirms to me that I was supposed to be at faithworks last night.

Thoughts

God is amazing He doesn’t say you have to worship me, He doesn’t make you listen. He sits there and waits for you to come to Him how amazing is that. Some people perceive God as this person who makes us worship Him…that’s not how He is at all. Some people think that He is all rules and no fun…but that’s not how He is at all. Yes He has rules for you but they are put into place for your own good (I know that sounds weird from me cause I hate rules). Well you see it’s almost 3am and I am up cause I can’t sleep and I was thinking about God. I was thinking about how amazing He is and how much we mean to Him. If God had a wallet every single one of our pictures would be in it now that’s a big stinkin wallet. Sometimes I think of the people in my life who don’t know God and I think of how sad it is. But then I wonder well how are they ever gonna see God if I am not showing them who He is? So the question is when you are around the people in your life that don’t know our amazing and wonderful Father are you showing Him to them? I am not talking about telling them about Him, I am talking about are caring for them? Are you loving them? Are you just sitting there listening to them when they need a friend? Are you helping people and giving the glory to God? Or are you taking all the credit? We may be the only Jesus that some people see. So we need to act like Him and do what He would do. I have some friends who did know God and lived for Him. But now they are doing their own thing. And this is what I see. God has this huge house and we all have a room in it. He goes around every night to see if we are all in our rooms and tucks us in. But when He gets to a room that has no one in it He leaves the door open and He leaves the porch light on so they can find their way home. And to me that’s so amazing He never closes the door. He is always waiting there with arms open wide. You hold the key to God's house just use it. I once wrote a poem about His arms open wide maybe someday I will share it with you all. But for now I am leaving you with those thoughts. I should maybe go get some sleep. Goodnight and go be a miracle!

Yeah

Well I am bored so I decided to write another blog. My week has been super busy and I was really tired friday night but it has been a good week. I am half finish one of my big projects for school. And I am excited about that. This weekend so far is going good. The crew hung out last night at my house and we talked to dawn on the internet and that was fun. I am excited cause next weekend I will be in edmonton and its getting closer. Its going to be like a mini holiday for me and I need a holiday. I graduate from college in a couple of months and thats cool. But I think I am going to take another program next year. I am thinking of taking the speech language patholigist assistant program. It is a pretty cool program and I really want to take it, I can take it through dristrubted learning so thats cool. Cause then I can work while I am in the program. For my practicum this semester I get to go to a preschool and I already know the lady that I am doing it with so I think it will be fun. Ummm yeah three more weeks till my mom moves to spruce grove...I am excited for her cause I heard its really nice up there. Ha ha ha I phoned my mom today and my brother answered (who is only six) and my mom wasnt home so he was supposed to give the phone to his dad but instead he said that he would take a message and then he hing up on me. He hangs up on my all the time its kinda cute but sometimes annoying. Ohhh I spoke at c&c the other night....I only spoke for ten minutes but that was one purpose I wanted to get the miracles thing into people's spirits and then I wanted to have a discussion about it and thats what happened I think it was pretty cool. Even tho it was short. Well thats an update on my life I will write when something more interesting comes up.

Best Weekend Ever!

Oh my goodness this has been the best weekend ever. I have had a bad week and God knew exactly what I needed a fun filled weekend with friends. Lets see Friday night my friend Niki came into town and hung out and we all went to the park and wrestled and just had fun like little kids agian it was the best thing ever. Then saturday we went to the irvine hockey rink and played hockey and then that night we went to my friend Melissa's house (who surprised me by coming home for the weekend) which was so exciting then on sunday we went to church and out for lunch. Then we watched the super bowl at the DC it was so fun. This weekend was awesome cause it was like I was a kid again with no care in the world. Life was put on hold and I was able to have fun for once. There has been a lot of stuff going on in my life and to have a break from reality in a good way was soooooo awesome. God knew exactly what I needed. I am really sore today cause we did a lot of physical activity this weekend and I have had lack if sleep but it doesnt matter cause I had a fun weekend. And the best part was I was myself and I had fun. Well there is a lesson to be learned its ok to be me....I am allright.