Random Thoughts

I have had a lot of thoughts lately and I did have a blog I was goin to write the other day...but now I have no cluse what to write...my life has been crazy...and most of it in a good way...but its about to change again...friends I have made here are leaving to go back home and I have to make and get closer to other people...I attend two churches now one on sundays and one on thursdays...I will be starting my nanny job in Decemeber...and school is over for the semester...and I didnt do as well as I thought I could have done which sucks...but such is life...I am learning every day why God wanted me here in Montreal and believe it or not university isnt just the reason...there is so many things I could be doing here...so I have had the flu for the last couple of days...I got a flu shot on thursday with the family I will be nannying for and they said I wouldnt get sick from it...well thats not true...I was soooo sick...I felt like death...ugh...well today its just a cold now...not so achy anymore...I have all this week off of life I have my only final exam on friday I should be studying for it but we all know how that will work...I am stoked for my girls night plans next weekend it should be fun...chick flicks, chocolate and staying up all night chatting you know those are memories you hold onto forever...I love it...another thing I am learning is to cherish each day...dont look at the future and get sad for a day that is coming or look forward to a day that is coming...cherish the present day...the day at hand...because once its gone you wont have it and may regret not doing all you could...with that being said dont dwell on the past...and wonder what could have been different...just look at the present...this blog really had no point to it just my random thoughts...leaving you again with the same challange I love leaving you with and its be radical..and change your world.

My Christmas wish list

These are the things I would like for Christmas...so if you keep these in your prayers that would be awesome

1. To be home(this is mainly for my mom thats all she wants for Christmas is for me to be in the Hat)
2. Tuiton for school or else I cant register for next year
3. A great french/english dictionary

I cant really think of anything else...I just guess I have everything else I need...but these things are important to me so dont forget me in your prayers

I am uninspired and feel I have writers block...and dont have time to just settle down and chill to write anything new...so I will leave you with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs...because she pretty much writes how I am feelin I couldnt have said it any better its just amazing

If You Want Me To

Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through

And I walk through the darkness If You want me to

cause When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout

Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down

So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you

And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Life as I know it

Life as I have known it is changed...its a huge transition for a Medicine Hat girl to move to Montreal....they are nothing alike...but I am home...I love it...and I barely think of the Hat...I call this home...I am learning a new language and learning a new way of living and its been amazing...stretching of course but amazing at the same time...I wasnt the happiest person back home and felt like I was a big fish in a small tank...and here I feel like a little fish in a big tank and its an amazing feeling...I am truly a big city girl...the feeling of becoming and growing and journying in the unknown is exciting...not knowing where God will take me next is exhilerating...I have found a church here that has challanged me and grown me into somethin pretty darn amazing...I love the church I attend...I never want to miss a sunday no matter how hard I try to stay home I cant...I love to go to church and thats a different feelin too cause I didnt always like church back home...no offence to those who attend my church back home...its still family...but this church blows me away...the people I have met here are truly great too...school isnt so great but thats just a small part of life even tho its the reason I thought I came here...but I am starting to believe different...this city doesnt have many Christians at all...and I have been brought here to be a light to this city to show them there is a way...its a very dark and sad city...so many homeless, poor, and just depressed looking people...but there are reasons for that...and I want to see God move...I have a passion for the French Canadians...God has shown me His heart for them...and I want to show them His love...I dont want them to see me I want them to see Him...talking about God here is a tough topic but I can see God move even when I dont mention a word about Him when I am talkin to someone...I jsut sit on the metro and pray and I can feel God move...its a great feeling...I am so far away from anything familier and that life was all I knew...now I know a different life....and being this far away from the ones I love...I have a bit of a feeling what the lost here in Montreal feel from being so far away from love...but when they see God when they feel Him...when they start to follow Him...they wont be lost...they wont be sad...they will have the love of God...I dont know who reads this but I know all my friends are different stages in life...and I do know now what its like to leave somewhere and lose all ties to someone...I feel like I have lost friends since being here...but God has given more friends...and now I know how to let go...I never have been able to before...letting go of people you care about was a hard thing for me...but I have let go...I have let go of all those who have let go of me...and I am ok...they will always be loved...but I have let go...and I just want to say one last thing before I go...do something out of the ordinary this week...something out of your comfort zone...something you would have never done before...touch someones life...do something extreme...and then live your life on the edge...dont conform.

Handle with care

I feel inspired so I am taking a break from my research paper to write this blog...I love to blog because it helps me to feel and release things...even tho I know barely anyone reads my blogs shown by the lack of comments...but its ok I just need to write makes me happy...a persons heart is a fragile thing...now I dont mean the physical heart I mean just the feelings and love and emotions part...we get hurt easy...we fall apart fast...we let too many things people say get to us...I know I make fun of my friends too much and I am trying to stop it...and I am goin to make a consious effort right now to stop it...because I know how it feels...everyday someone makes comments to you and they dont know what they are doing but it hurts...it really hurts...and the hurt goes deep...they dont know what you have already been through in your life...they dont know that what they just said to you makes you feel like scum...like the stupidest person in the world...they dont know you already struggle with trying to succeed...they just make their comment...but it hurts...and the pain goes deep...its hard to be in a group of people when you feel like the dumbest one there...I know I try to put this tough, nothing bothers me front up...but really I am a typical emotional girl...who things bother me...they hurt me too...afterall I am human as well...its hard to be around the people you love because they hurt you the most...and most of the time without knowing it...I feel in a world all alone even when I am in a crowd...I feel like I am losing hope and becoming weaker...but I will continue to walk with my head held high and not let you see...that you are hurting me...I wont let you see that what you say goes deep and the pain hurts bad...I wont let this affect me...because I know I have a purpose and I have a dream...all these deep pains will turn to scars...and thats how I will remember you.

What do you mean when you say "I am a Christian"?

I dont actually know where this blog is going to go or how it will be protrayed but I need to get some things off my chest and out of this brain so I can move on with my day. Christianity...I am a Christian and a lot of my friends are and some arent...but what does that mean...when we say we are because statistics show that about 9 million people in Canada claim they are a Christian...well what does that mean...I know that it should mean well 9million people can change a lot of lives...but it hasnt...the dictionary has many definitions for a Christian like exhibiting a spirit proper to a follower of Jesus Christ...or pertaining to, believing in, or belonging to the religion based on the teachings of Jesus Christ or I like this one a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ. That last definition is the one I would choose a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ meaning you can just see it on them...I actually know a couple of people that I can see it on...literally can see Jesus and one isnt from Canada so that 9 million well I would say that number is a lot lower then that. What does the bible say a Christian is or is to do lets take a look. In Matthew 10:37-39 Jesus says "He who loves father and mother more then Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." Those of you who read this and dont believe in God will be like what the heck does that mean...well its simple if you have life without God you will surely die...if you have life with God you will never die but live eternally and that doesnt mean on this earth...in heaven. So what does this mean to a Christian....well again simple...follow Jesus cause His way is the only way...yet so many of us fall short(I am including myself in this just so you know). What else does the bible say? In Matthew 4:19 Jesus says "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men" well now if there are 9 million Christians in Canada then that number should actually be higher if we are supposed to be fishers of men...maybe we are using the wrong bait...haha what do I mean by that...well the main bait I have seen us the church use is relevancy...we are so concerned with being relevant to the generation now that we actually left Jesus out...and the most important factor which is relevancy its relationship...with God first then people...if we stopped concering ourselves with the way our buildings we call church looked and with what we wear and how we talk....and just shared Jesus and be like Jesus I am sure that 9 million people would turn into a larger number...stop making Jesus Relevant and just share who He is...cause He is a rad guy on His own. Another thing I need you to remember as a Christian is church is not a building...we are the church...we are...everywhere we go there is church because we bring it with us...whether or not its in schools, workplace or the pubs...we bring the church so maybe...just maybe we need to start acting like the church not just on sundays. I dare you to sit in the Metro or in your bus or in your school or a park or on your break at work...and read the bible...not just in the privacy of your own home but in the open...lets see what people say then...lets see what kind of looks you get...lets see if you are actually accepted for who you are...cause if you claim your a Christian most people will stand further away from you...lets try this...lets show people we are on fire for God...or are you? My pastor told us to do something really fun for those of us who go to university and that is to tell someone you are a creationist...or even try it at work....I havent been able to yet but I really want to...see if that is acceptable. Mark 4:21-23 says "And He was saying to them, A lamp is not brought to be put under a basket, is it, or under a bed? Is it not brought to be put on the lampstand? For nothing is hidden, except to be revealed; nor has anything been secret, but that it would come to light. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear." Lets see what the bible says about popularity which another way of looking at it could be persecution because Jesus was not popular and neither is Christianity. In Acts 13:49-52 it says "And the word of the Lord was being spread through the whole region. But the Jews incited the devout women of prominence and the leading men of the city, and instigated a persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and drove them out of their district. But they shook off the dust of their feet in protest against them and went to Iconium. And the disciples were continually filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit." People will try to kick you out of your city and their lives but see what the end of this verse says they were continually filled with joy and the Holy Spirit...meaning God never leaves us no matter who else does...haha Christianity is not popular but thats ok...because God will reward us for listening to Him...ok so I am not sitting here on my high and mighty stool telling you this cause I am no different then the other 9 million who say they are Christian. I went to this lecture last night called Harmony in Diversity...and most of it was meh but some of it I got things out of...like how we have love and all these things as Christians that God has given us...why arent we sharing it with others...and you may say well I am in this ministry and this one and that one...who cares...thats not important its yor everyday lives that you live out its in your walking down the street and seeing a homeless person what do you do then? Who cares about the ministry you put your name too or the look at me church you go to that doesnt matter. God doesnt care about those things...He cares about what you did when no one was looking...who you encouraged or helped when no one was looking so that all the praise goes to Him and not you...He likes when we as the church goes out to feed people and what not but He is tired of His name being left out...He is tired of not getting the credit for it...we are nothing without Him and wouldnt be able to do things without Him...He and He alone gives us the strength...my heart is breaking for the lost...but sometimes my heart breaks for the found...because they dont actually know or understand the gift of God and what it means to be like Jesus to be a Christian...I think if we took that 9 million and knocked on all those doors and truly searched or even asked God it would dramitically drop and that hurts my heart...like I said I know a few Christians that I can actually see Jesus in but not many...and that includes me I am not the Christian I want to be...but starting right now I am going to try harder to be like Jesus to everyday listen to what I am supposed to do and stop ignoring those who need me...and most importantly need Jesus...I challange you this week to sit and ask God what He wants from you...what He wants you to change...and where He wants you to impact in your cities and places of influence...and those of you who read this and arent born again...when I say this I mean those of you havent made a commitment to serve God and ask for your sins to be forgivin...then I challenge you to seek Him and take that step of becoming a following Christian...your life will change and it will be such a rad change you will never want to go back...trust me on this...and if you need a testimony contact me and I will share with you my life...and my decison and my trials...because I believe God let me go through this life to share it with you...and even if you are a Christian and want to hear my story just ask...and I will definitly tell you...walk like Jesus this week and every week...do something radical...live on the edge...and most importantly dont forget to dream...now is the time...we dont live in the future or past but in the now...so go and be fishers of men.

The American Dream

Everyone knows about the American dream...go to university and get a great education and get the job you always dreamed of...but what happens if we throw some twists in there...and things dont go as planned...who do you blame? Yourself, family, friends or God? Well it really is no ones fault sometimes we go through things in our lives that are stepping stones to that dream....sometimes we have to be broken to be fixed...but do we have to hit rock bottom? Do we have to end up with nothing at all? I dont believe that...I know we are human and make mistakes and then sometimes we have to pay for them...25 and has hit rock bottom...sometimes I feel as if there is no reason to go on...sometimes I wonder why...why did I follow my dreams and where are they taking me...I have been thinking a lot lately about this path I am on...about me finally doing something I have always wanted to do..and wondering where the happy Nikki went...the one who believed she could do anything...the dreamer...the world changer...I know she is still there...I am just having a bit of troubles finding her...and I know I am on this path for a reason and I know I am to trust in my God...and I still know He is there...so when you leave a comment dont tell me to pray dont tell me to trust dont tell me to have faith...cause I do...just be a friend and be there for me...and keep me in your prayers...we all go through things for a reason...we all have our share of trials...and I know I will get out of this..I just cant give up...I am too good for that and too smart...I will have my American Dream

Afraid

Not afraid of change cause I thrive off that...not afraid of my future as much...not afraid of being alone...not afraid of being so far away...afraid of today...yesterday and tomorrow...that may not make sense to any of you but it makes sense to me...I have been thinking a lot and maybe I am not cut out for politics...I am not cut throat...I make promises and actually keep them...I am an idealist...I believe in the people...I believe in dreams...I love to see people dream...so maybe I am not cut out for politics...which leaves me to say this...I am thinking of changing my major...I love political science...but influences around me are starting to make me believe I am not cut out for it...maybe its the enemy speaking and maybe not...maybe I am changing and maybe not...politics will always be my heart still...but maybe its not that important...at least thats what it seems.

Lost Country

I have people in my life applying for Canadian citizenship and sometimes I sit here and ask...why? Why do these people want to become Canadian? Is it our beautiful lanscape or peaceful nature...or possibly the jobs or the great people? I know whats its not...its not because of our government....because if it were no one would want to live here...Canada always struggles for its own identity...some people think we are the same as the states...and well as Canadians we know we arent...but something I have come to realize is...the way we vote for a certian leader is like the states...we vote someone similar to what they have and why is this I have no idea...canada complains that it needs to change...canada complains we are wasting money in certian things...and yet they vote the same government that they complain about...it boggles my mind on how can they do this...well I dont have much more to say...other then canada you got yourself into this mess...you voted conservative and not only that almost gave them a majority talk about a scare for me...canada you obviosly dont care about your future...you dont care about education...your children or the environment...you voted and somehow I dont think it was right...i dont believe this government is good for canada...but thats your problem now

Election 2008

Well its another election...and some of you are probably surprised I have not yet written a blog about it haha...well here it is...this is goin to be my blog about the election...and you may be a little surprised of the content...first I would like to stress the same thing I always stress and that is VOTE...for real people just get out there and vote...honestly you have no reason not to...so just do it...with Oct 14th approaching very fast tensions are rising and the country may be a little confused...because I feel that this election is like none other...this election is a crazy rollercoaster with too many slip ups...most of you know that I have voted Liberal in prevouis elections...and most of you know I dont like Harper...well this is a bit of an interesting election and let me tell you where I stand and why I am going to vote the way I am going to vote...first we need to stop Stephen Harper and get him out of there...he is no good...and he keeps lying to the public never mind the plagerism charge just listen to him when he talks...he really is no different then Bush...I sat in a debate today not between the PM's but people who are running here in Montreal and the consercatives platform sounds almost like they dont care what we want or what Canada really needs...they sound a bit dictorship like...they have a stand and they are going to stick to it no matter what we think...so why should we give the Harper government another chance...if there is one thing I get across in this blog is...DO NOT VOTE FOR HARPER...DO NOT VOTE CONSERVATIVE....now on to the liberals...well now they just dont have a leg to stand on...come on Dion is going to have to do a lot of work to get votes in the west...and it sad to say but the Liberals time is up...they need new stuff and I think thats why they created a green shift...they know they need help...they know that they have to get stronger...I believe they will do well but not as good as the intend...now the green party...well we all know they will get some votes but not many so I see about 5seats for them...now the NDP...this group has intrigued me this round...this group seems to have it a bit more together then the rest...and I believe this group has got it going on...Jack Layton hmmm sounds like the next Prime Minister perhaps...they have a green stand, they have a student stand, they are interested in families...and they just all around would be a good change for this country...I believe they will do well in this upcoming election...so remember dont vote conservative cause a vote for conservative is a vote for Harper and we need to take him down...so you probably already guessed where my loyalties lie this round...VOTE NDP...VOTE JACK LAYTON

Become no one

I know life isn’t easy…I know we are all human and screw up and disappoint…but I also know that we all have hearts…and I know that inside of our hearts there is love…and I know that we crave love…from people…but I also know that we love to love…I know humans aren’t a mean race…I know that we don’t mean to hurt people…and I do know that humans care and hurt when they see the hurting…but here is what I don’t know…why is that these hearts of ours hold all this love and crave this love…and yet we have troubles showing it…we care about our own lives…we are selfish…we don’t share love…we don’t show we care…we don’t…we just don’t…now not all of us are like that…but most of you who read this…if there is anyone reading this…are guilty of it…you are the people you don’t like…you are the one who doesn’t share your love…you are…you just are…I have also been guilty of it…but on a daily basis I try not…I actually think about people and show them I care…but one thing I have learned is…you can acknowledge someone till you are blue in the face and sometimes they are just too busy with their lives and their desires that they will not show back that they care…so I am learning to let go…I am learning to say goodbye…and I am learning to let go of the people in my life who have let go of me…I am learning to not rely on people and just rely on God…and it feels good…but it’s a lonely road…especially in a city as lonely as this one…this city the people fill their lives with alcohol and drugs and sex but none of that will fill them…none of that will satisfy…this is a very broken and sad city…and I constantly feel alone because I literally have no one here…and sometimes my heart is sad…because I can pour as much love as I have out…but when none is coming to me you feel empty and I know God can fill it up…I know this…but sometimes…just sometimes it would be nice to hear it from a person….humans are a selfish race…and sometimes I just wish Jesus would come back already…sometimes I just wish…just wish that we would see these things that we have here on earth are going to be no longer…and I know what it means to give up possessions I sold everything to get here…I don’t have tv…or internet…and its been so great…because I am closer to my God…but I just wish I knew people cared…I am losing hope for the human race…and I am not just talking about the non-Christians…but I am also talking about the Christians…the ones who believe that success is their destination…the ones who are living in those big houses with their nice cars…the ones that think that is where God wants them…and yeah success and money is great…but I am happy to not have a lot of it…I am happy to be living in the ghetto…I am happy without the money that will soon be burned with the rest of this earth…and I just wish people would see it…I am putting my heart out on the line one last time…and I just want you the world to seek real happiness…without money and success…become no one…so that HE becomes someone.

Update on my life

Well I have been living in Montreal for almost a month now...and I really do enjoy this city...I start school in a week and am getting excited...I still havent figured out how I am goin to pay for school and I am thinkin I need to go get a job now...but I am relying on my God to come through with finances for school...Montreal is a great city if you havent already checked out my pics on facebook I think you should do so...its a lot different then Alberta and the whole french thing is hard but I am surviving...so its ok...haha its funny cause the drivers, pedestrians and cyclists all think they are invincible...they just randomly cross roads even when on coming traffic is there and everything its funny...they all seem in a hurry too...I love the metro sysytem its so easy to use and my church and school and house are all on the green line so its cool...its a very green province...what I mean by that is they are all about the recycling and stuff here its cool and intense and everywhere you go you will see a Quebec flag they are very proud to live here and thats cool too...I am learnin some french I hope to be fluent by Christmas...I am meeting more and more people but cant wait for school so I can meet more peeps...well I dont know what else to say this is all for now.

Trip to Montreal

It’s been a long journey and I don’t just mean the 2 ½ day bus ride I endured, I mean I have worked hard and followed my heart I didn’t listen to anyone but myself, I did it, I left, I freed myself, unlocked my own shackles that I had originally put on myself…I freed myself from myself. I am dreaming, exploring and creating a new me. I for once am the traveler I have always wanted to be. I am seeing my country…oh my and its beautiful. You think Alberta is great you have to see Ontario…the trees, the water, the beauty. And to know God made it all for us, to know he added this to our already amazing country, makes me even prouder to say I am Canadian. You don’t really appreciate this country until you spend almost 3 days on a bus getting to know it. You also have a lot of time to think. If I don’t go to school its ok, because just doing this bus ride and moving to the east like I have always said I wanted to do, I just proved to myself, no one else but myself that I am strong…I can do this. Oh and the people I have met so great. Such an experience. A boy from Quebec City still in high school. A man from Germany just exploring Canada because he wanted to see it. A man from Ontario just going back home and he was very interested in peoples lives and where they came from. Each person has left something with me that has helped me grow on this trip. I started this trip alone and ended up with people in my heart. I am writing this in Ontario where I am approaching Thunder Bay where we have a layover I enjoy them because seeing a new city is exciting. All the bus terminals are different, I just wish there were showers in them haha that’s the hardest part about the trip and the fact that I have troubles sleeping but its ok I am over half way there. Its 9:30pm Monday 2 hours ahead of Alberta and I will be in Montreal Tuesday at 11:30pm.

Tuesday has been good to me, I slept ok and again scored two seats to myself. Met more people a girl from Halifax, a graphic designer from Sudbury and a guitarist from Ottawa, he is actually an interesting guy, plays in a band he looks like the gangster type and he loves children he had a belief that if you saw yourself somewhere your life will go there…he doesn’t play the part of that but he has the heart. A few short hours I will get to see Ottawa, then two hours after that I will be at my final destination Montreal, Quebec. This bus ride, this adventure has been the best experience of my life. Well its Tuesday 4:35pm, 7 hours left of this crazy trip, 7 hours left to a new chapter in my life. A new life, a new me.

Arrived in Montreal at 12:30am an hour later then I was supposed to with a cranky bus driver. But I was excited to be done the ride and Montreal is a beautiful city it feels like you aren’t even in Canada anymore. The apartments are right out of the movies…all pushed together with clothes hanging off the balconies and people sitting on them watching you go by. The crazy part about here is well its French…and I don’t speak French so I have troubles understanding what people want…sometimes just to feel at home I need to speak out loud to myself to hear some English haha…I have been very emotional since coming here…it’s the first time in my life I have been homesick…one day I didn’t leave the house I stayed home all day…but as I get out more and get to know the city I really enjoy it…its beautiful…lots of culture and scary things that I have never seen before…but it gets little ole sheltered me out of my shell.

It all started with a dream then turned into a bus ticket across Canada and ended in a reality….Nikki takes on Montreal.

Why do I work in childcare?

People always wonder why I work with children...haha and for awhile I did too. Cause kids can make you want to pull your hair out...they can make you go completly crazy and so worn down you feel like you could sleep for days....but I love working with them I love watchin them reach milestones...I love being there for them...but on friday I remembered why I work with children and why I am there...there is no better feeling the letting a sick baby sleep on your chest...when everytime you try to put it down it cries and once its in your arms its completly content and happy to be where it is...to feel needed and wanted is the most amazing feeling...and thats what I get when I work with children...I am there to teach them the world in some of the most important and teachable years...before they experiance school we are there preparing them...and watching them grow...its so amazing and I love it...so here is why I work with children...so they know someone gives a rip...so that they believe in themselves...so that they learn to dream...I want that for them...I want them to be successful in life...so they take on the world...after all they are the future...and investing in them...is worth it.

My heart breaks for the unknown

Take a minute and think about your life...your past...like back in even junoir high school...think hard and long...who were you?..what did you wear?..how did you act around people?..who did you want to become?

So did you think about? Ok I will wait a little longer.

When you thought about your past did you know you were goin to become the person you are today?..Did you know that you would ignore the problems of today?..Did you know that all you were goin to think about was your success or your own problems?...Did you know you were goin to ignore those around you calling out for help?

Ok now maybe some of you arent that person...maybe you do care about them...maybe you think about others all the time...maybe you want to change the world...and make it a better place.

When you were young a child...a teenager or whatever...did you know you would be where you are today?...I bet those people on the streets didnt think they would be on the streets...I bet those people that are homeless never thought they would be there...I wonder what was said to them or done to them in their past.

Do you ever sit and watch them...breaks my heart...signs of lonliness on their faces...sad...and unwanted...no where to go...I sit in the park downtown Calgary and just watch...how these people act with others or dont act...how these people look...what their habits are...and to be honest breaks my heart.

I am guilty of it to...thinking about my success and where I have gotten...but mainly I think about my success is because no one said I could do it...that could be me in that park but instead I made the choice not let labels and words destroy me. I made the choice to succeed against all odds...and I dont let people or other things stand in my way...obsticales are just opportunities.

Back to where I was goin...I have never seen this many homeless people...or any homeless person...yeah maybe some of them choose to be homeless but what about those you dont...those you are rejected by society, those you walk by and they dont ask you for spare change the quiet ones no one notices...the lady in the park with the shopping cart...I see her every weekend...she has her head lowered down and doesnt look at you in the eye...the other day was the first day I saw her with an apple...looked so fresh...and juicy...I wonder when the last time she ate was.

She looks old...but it could be the years spent on the streets...her shopping cart is full to the top...wrapped in garbage bags so you are unable to see her belongings...she is always bundled up never showing even the skin on her arms...she is interesting...and intriguing...and I want to know her...not just what I see...but actually know her.

I have spent a lot of time watching her from a distance and even close up without her noticing me...but now I want to show her that...she exists...not that I exist...but that she does...show her someone notices her and gives her attention...and wants to know her...not the surface her...but deep her...the her that has many stories...the her that has potential.

I dont like getting credit for a gift God has given me...I want Him to have the credit...people here in Calgary have been amazing and have told me I am great at my job and no one has ever said anything negative to me here...its like I am living in a dream...this cant be real life...it has to be a dream...there is no way someone like me can be truly happy...but I am and its weird at times still...I love my job and the people I am surrounded by...I love this city and this life...I dont want to be the hero or the great one...I dont even want to be good...I just want to be me...and I want people to see my Creator through me...let Him shine.

By the time I leave this city I will know that lady...I will know who she really is.

My success...and purpose

Being a dreamer in a doubting world is probably the hardest life to live...and some dont even dare go near that life...well I do...I have always been a dreamer...I have always believed I could do anything if I tried really hard...sometimes I get frustrated at myself...and wonder why I took the chance...and sometimes I see my success and get so proud of myself that I want the world to know.

I look at my life right now...and never in any life time thought I would be where I am today...I have probably the most amazing job anyone could have...I take care of children...in their early years where their minds are so moldable...where their innocence hasnt been takin away...where you are their hero...I love my job...it hasnt always been this way...I just about gave up on this career...untill I saw a place that made this job worth it...that showed me there are amazing caregivers out there...that showed me there are people out there just like me...who believe in these children and that truly believe they come first...it warms my heart to see this...and I have hope for their future.

Not only do I have an amazing job...I am back in the city where I was born...and loving it...I know that inside I have always been a big city girl but was stuck in a small city...I have always dreamed of walking down the street in a large city with the buildings so tall they almost reach the clouds...I am there...I am here.

Now the most amazing part of my life is where I am going next...totally out of my comfort zone...totally out of my social network...totally on my own...I am going somewhere high school teachers told me I would never end up...I am going to a place I never thought I was cut out for...I am going to University...and that is amazing to me...in a totally different city and province I will be packing up my life in less then two months and on a journey to an even bigger dream then I could have ever dreamed...because I am successful and I will succeed.

If you ask me I have already succeed in life...I have some pretty sweet people in my life that have helped me grow along the way...some have only been in my life for a season and some maybe only a day...but all have made an impact on me and all have created this wonderful mind...this dreamer...this world changer...and possibly someday Prime Minister of Canada.

My life isnt where I thought it would be...but my life is exactly where I want it...and I wouldnt want to change it for the world...so for those of you who read this and know me as a joker...a person who likes to laugh...be crazy and silly...there is a deeper me...that some do know...there is a deeper me that wants to see a better world...and is taking steps in making sure it happens...so for now being a dreamer in a doubting world is hard work...but someone has to do it...someone has to make sure the future is safe for your children and our childrens children and so on...that is my mission...that is my life.

I am tired of...

...thinking about you and me when there is no you and me
...supporting your dreams when you dont even notice
...putting aside what I wanna do just to be with you
...listening to your every word when you dont even hear me
...being there for you when you arent for me
...watching you but cant see me
...wishing on stars to be where you are
...not sleeping cause you are all I think about
...being invisible
...being just a friend
...agreeing with you just so you will see...

I am so into you...but all you can see is yourself...your dreams...and that perfect girl down the street

I am not...
...beautiful like her
...dont have a perfect body
...dont have exactly what you think is hot
...her

She hasnt told you...that you can do it...that you can dream...that you are everything to her...she doesnt even notice you...

now you know how I feel...going unnoticed...dreaming a dream that is not goin to come true

so this is me saying...I cant do it anymore...I cant dream of you...letting go of everything I hoped for and moving on...maybe now you will see I am so in love with you...maybe now you will see...me

Lonely Path

Act 1

The mood is set...the lights are dimmed...a girl is crouched down and folded over on the stage...she slowly stands up and says aloud to the air.

"Where oh where am I? Lost in my own mind...trying to figure out this place. All alone and heart broken...lookin for a familier face."

She starts to walk through the darkness...not knowing where she is going...looking around and seeing nothing but a lonely path.

"What is this? A path so lonely...shall I walk down this path?"

She stops to think for a bit then continues on down this lonely drak path...she stops what does she see...a vision of the love of her mother...when she was a child...playing with her and taking her for walks where they bonded.

"I remember those days I wasnt lonely I had my mommy"

She continues to walk...dark and lonely she is starting to feel cold but has nothing to keep her warm...she stops to remember her childhood days when her mom would give her a blanket to keep her warm...suddenly she felt the warmth.

"Mmmm I feel so warm again"...she says..."but I am kind of hungry."

Just then she pictures a bowl of soup and some sandwiches just the way her mom used to make them...she is no longer hungry anymore...so she keeps walking down this lonely path wondering if someday she will see a familier face...its getting darker and she is afraid of the dark.

"Awww but remember when mom put the night light in the hallway?" She says to herself...and is no longer afraid.

She lays down to rest as she is getting tired...and as she falls asleep she imagines her blankie is right beside her.


Stay tuned for the second Act

Update on my life

Ok people now is the time for a real update so that you are all on the same page. I have decided to stay in Calgary and call it my home. I will not be goin to the ranch this summer which was a super hard decison. I will be coming home one weekend to pack all my stuff at my mom's. And I dont actually know how many more times I will be in the Hat after that. As some of you know I have gotten accepted to Concordia University in Montreal. I already have a place to live and everything. So I will be leaving for Montreal the first week in august. I am super stoked for this move and am excited to explore a whole new place. I am loving living here in Calgary its so great. My job is amazing and I love and will be sad to leave it when the time comes. I do miss home a lot but sometimes feel as if it doesnt miss me. But its ok cause I am exploring a whole new life and am very excited as to where my life is goin....its finally happening its all coming together...and I just want to say thank you to those who believed in me and knew I could do this...I love you all and will keep everyone updated as my life progresses.

Create and dont be afraid

I am a dreamer and anyone who knows me knows this...I am accomplishing my dreams as we speak...but sometimes this walk is hard and lonely...and I know this is where I am supposed to be but for the first time in my life I stepped outside my comfort zone I didn't listen to where others wanted me...I did my own thing...lots of you are goin to say you always do your own thing that's who you are no I don't...I have always lived my life for others...and this time I didn't...I did what I wanted and I am dreaming...I am conquering...I am slaying giants...I am victorious...and I am doing this...ok this blog was supposed to be an update on my life so I will tell you.

I am happy here in Calgary I think I am a big city person at heart and feel on top of the world...I do miss home a lot tho...I miss my kitty...I haven't been this far from him before...I know that sounds lame but he is family too...everyday people are giving more and more reasons to enjoy this amazing city...just today I saw to amazing acts...I was hanging out in a Chapters(oh boy that's my favorite store) and I was reading this amazing book until I saw a man come up to the section where the bibles are with another man...the other man didn't look very clean...he was in work clothes...and the first man was well dressed and very clean....they were looking for a bible for the second man...he wanted a small one that fit in his pocket because then he could take it to work he said...and I couldn't help but listen and watch these two men bonding like men should...they couldn't find very small bibles so the man who wasn't clean said well maybe if I had a backpack...so the well dressed man said do you want one...I can get you one of those too...like honestly I don't know what happened before they entered the chapters I don't know what lead them there...but what I saw was a world changer...and not in the clean man...in the one who didn't look very clean...he was the one that acknowledged me....and as he left he said...have a good ma am...I was blown away...while he was in the store he said I need to come back here and get some books to research...the man that was well dressed did change this mans life but the man in the work clothes is goin to change many more lives...it was very cool to see....the next thing I did was go across to Dairy Queen and get somethin to eat...and when I was in there I saw a man buy another man some food that I don't even think they knew each other...but this man held onto the food like it was so precious and to him it probably was...two acts of world changers in an hour in a city so large that you could possibly see a million faces a day...in a city so large that poor are forgotten...these acts I saw today...is what we should be all about...now I know we are doing this in our churches...in our youth groups and my city is tryin to reach out as well...but why aren't the problems solved...whats one sandwich goin to do...why aren't we doing more...what is wrong with us.

Instead of the government caring about our debt free province they should be caring about the people in it...we look rich to other provinces...we look snobby to other provinces...Alberta wants to change Canada...well that isn't goin to work unless we fix our province...this province needs to care more about the people in it...and less about how much money we can get out of it...there needs to be a whole kind of new revolution in our government...and not one where it gets us more money or noticed more...one where adults and children don't have to live on the streets...I knew there was poverty but my eyes have been opened...my eyes have seen it here...I have seen it in my own city as well...but here its more visible...now why aren't we doing anything about this...I see houses that look like they are being held together with a couple of sticks...I see people digging through garbage's...I see sad eyes at the bus stops...I see children crying for help...what happened to caring about the people...no one should be left behind...we are ALL Albertans not just the rich.

Again I am sorry if you wanted an update on my big city life...but this is me this is my heart...and this is what I see...now God has me here for a reason...God is taking my across the country in a few months as well...and I am sure I will see more sadness and more pain...and it hurts me sooo much to see all this pain...and right now I have no money so I know what its like to wonder when the money is coming...you say you want change...then be that change...don't stand by and wait for the government to do something...and don't complain about them not doing anything because ultimately its you who decides...its you who has the power to create change...make me proud to say I am an Albertan...cause right now its hard to find reasons.