Become no one

I know life isn’t easy…I know we are all human and screw up and disappoint…but I also know that we all have hearts…and I know that inside of our hearts there is love…and I know that we crave love…from people…but I also know that we love to love…I know humans aren’t a mean race…I know that we don’t mean to hurt people…and I do know that humans care and hurt when they see the hurting…but here is what I don’t know…why is that these hearts of ours hold all this love and crave this love…and yet we have troubles showing it…we care about our own lives…we are selfish…we don’t share love…we don’t show we care…we don’t…we just don’t…now not all of us are like that…but most of you who read this…if there is anyone reading this…are guilty of it…you are the people you don’t like…you are the one who doesn’t share your love…you are…you just are…I have also been guilty of it…but on a daily basis I try not…I actually think about people and show them I care…but one thing I have learned is…you can acknowledge someone till you are blue in the face and sometimes they are just too busy with their lives and their desires that they will not show back that they care…so I am learning to let go…I am learning to say goodbye…and I am learning to let go of the people in my life who have let go of me…I am learning to not rely on people and just rely on God…and it feels good…but it’s a lonely road…especially in a city as lonely as this one…this city the people fill their lives with alcohol and drugs and sex but none of that will fill them…none of that will satisfy…this is a very broken and sad city…and I constantly feel alone because I literally have no one here…and sometimes my heart is sad…because I can pour as much love as I have out…but when none is coming to me you feel empty and I know God can fill it up…I know this…but sometimes…just sometimes it would be nice to hear it from a person….humans are a selfish race…and sometimes I just wish Jesus would come back already…sometimes I just wish…just wish that we would see these things that we have here on earth are going to be no longer…and I know what it means to give up possessions I sold everything to get here…I don’t have tv…or internet…and its been so great…because I am closer to my God…but I just wish I knew people cared…I am losing hope for the human race…and I am not just talking about the non-Christians…but I am also talking about the Christians…the ones who believe that success is their destination…the ones who are living in those big houses with their nice cars…the ones that think that is where God wants them…and yeah success and money is great…but I am happy to not have a lot of it…I am happy to be living in the ghetto…I am happy without the money that will soon be burned with the rest of this earth…and I just wish people would see it…I am putting my heart out on the line one last time…and I just want you the world to seek real happiness…without money and success…become no one…so that HE becomes someone.

Update on my life

Well I have been living in Montreal for almost a month now...and I really do enjoy this city...I start school in a week and am getting excited...I still havent figured out how I am goin to pay for school and I am thinkin I need to go get a job now...but I am relying on my God to come through with finances for school...Montreal is a great city if you havent already checked out my pics on facebook I think you should do so...its a lot different then Alberta and the whole french thing is hard but I am surviving...so its ok...haha its funny cause the drivers, pedestrians and cyclists all think they are invincible...they just randomly cross roads even when on coming traffic is there and everything its funny...they all seem in a hurry too...I love the metro sysytem its so easy to use and my church and school and house are all on the green line so its cool...its a very green province...what I mean by that is they are all about the recycling and stuff here its cool and intense and everywhere you go you will see a Quebec flag they are very proud to live here and thats cool too...I am learnin some french I hope to be fluent by Christmas...I am meeting more and more people but cant wait for school so I can meet more peeps...well I dont know what else to say this is all for now.

Trip to Montreal

It’s been a long journey and I don’t just mean the 2 ½ day bus ride I endured, I mean I have worked hard and followed my heart I didn’t listen to anyone but myself, I did it, I left, I freed myself, unlocked my own shackles that I had originally put on myself…I freed myself from myself. I am dreaming, exploring and creating a new me. I for once am the traveler I have always wanted to be. I am seeing my country…oh my and its beautiful. You think Alberta is great you have to see Ontario…the trees, the water, the beauty. And to know God made it all for us, to know he added this to our already amazing country, makes me even prouder to say I am Canadian. You don’t really appreciate this country until you spend almost 3 days on a bus getting to know it. You also have a lot of time to think. If I don’t go to school its ok, because just doing this bus ride and moving to the east like I have always said I wanted to do, I just proved to myself, no one else but myself that I am strong…I can do this. Oh and the people I have met so great. Such an experience. A boy from Quebec City still in high school. A man from Germany just exploring Canada because he wanted to see it. A man from Ontario just going back home and he was very interested in peoples lives and where they came from. Each person has left something with me that has helped me grow on this trip. I started this trip alone and ended up with people in my heart. I am writing this in Ontario where I am approaching Thunder Bay where we have a layover I enjoy them because seeing a new city is exciting. All the bus terminals are different, I just wish there were showers in them haha that’s the hardest part about the trip and the fact that I have troubles sleeping but its ok I am over half way there. Its 9:30pm Monday 2 hours ahead of Alberta and I will be in Montreal Tuesday at 11:30pm.

Tuesday has been good to me, I slept ok and again scored two seats to myself. Met more people a girl from Halifax, a graphic designer from Sudbury and a guitarist from Ottawa, he is actually an interesting guy, plays in a band he looks like the gangster type and he loves children he had a belief that if you saw yourself somewhere your life will go there…he doesn’t play the part of that but he has the heart. A few short hours I will get to see Ottawa, then two hours after that I will be at my final destination Montreal, Quebec. This bus ride, this adventure has been the best experience of my life. Well its Tuesday 4:35pm, 7 hours left of this crazy trip, 7 hours left to a new chapter in my life. A new life, a new me.

Arrived in Montreal at 12:30am an hour later then I was supposed to with a cranky bus driver. But I was excited to be done the ride and Montreal is a beautiful city it feels like you aren’t even in Canada anymore. The apartments are right out of the movies…all pushed together with clothes hanging off the balconies and people sitting on them watching you go by. The crazy part about here is well its French…and I don’t speak French so I have troubles understanding what people want…sometimes just to feel at home I need to speak out loud to myself to hear some English haha…I have been very emotional since coming here…it’s the first time in my life I have been homesick…one day I didn’t leave the house I stayed home all day…but as I get out more and get to know the city I really enjoy it…its beautiful…lots of culture and scary things that I have never seen before…but it gets little ole sheltered me out of my shell.

It all started with a dream then turned into a bus ticket across Canada and ended in a reality….Nikki takes on Montreal.

Why do I work in childcare?

People always wonder why I work with children...haha and for awhile I did too. Cause kids can make you want to pull your hair out...they can make you go completly crazy and so worn down you feel like you could sleep for days....but I love working with them I love watchin them reach milestones...I love being there for them...but on friday I remembered why I work with children and why I am there...there is no better feeling the letting a sick baby sleep on your chest...when everytime you try to put it down it cries and once its in your arms its completly content and happy to be where it is...to feel needed and wanted is the most amazing feeling...and thats what I get when I work with children...I am there to teach them the world in some of the most important and teachable years...before they experiance school we are there preparing them...and watching them grow...its so amazing and I love it...so here is why I work with children...so they know someone gives a rip...so that they believe in themselves...so that they learn to dream...I want that for them...I want them to be successful in life...so they take on the world...after all they are the future...and investing in them...is worth it.

My heart breaks for the unknown

Take a minute and think about your life...your past...like back in even junoir high school...think hard and long...who were you?..what did you wear?..how did you act around people?..who did you want to become?

So did you think about? Ok I will wait a little longer.

When you thought about your past did you know you were goin to become the person you are today?..Did you know that you would ignore the problems of today?..Did you know that all you were goin to think about was your success or your own problems?...Did you know you were goin to ignore those around you calling out for help?

Ok now maybe some of you arent that person...maybe you do care about them...maybe you think about others all the time...maybe you want to change the world...and make it a better place.

When you were young a child...a teenager or whatever...did you know you would be where you are today?...I bet those people on the streets didnt think they would be on the streets...I bet those people that are homeless never thought they would be there...I wonder what was said to them or done to them in their past.

Do you ever sit and watch them...breaks my heart...signs of lonliness on their faces...sad...and unwanted...no where to go...I sit in the park downtown Calgary and just watch...how these people act with others or dont act...how these people look...what their habits are...and to be honest breaks my heart.

I am guilty of it to...thinking about my success and where I have gotten...but mainly I think about my success is because no one said I could do it...that could be me in that park but instead I made the choice not let labels and words destroy me. I made the choice to succeed against all odds...and I dont let people or other things stand in my way...obsticales are just opportunities.

Back to where I was goin...I have never seen this many homeless people...or any homeless person...yeah maybe some of them choose to be homeless but what about those you dont...those you are rejected by society, those you walk by and they dont ask you for spare change the quiet ones no one notices...the lady in the park with the shopping cart...I see her every weekend...she has her head lowered down and doesnt look at you in the eye...the other day was the first day I saw her with an apple...looked so fresh...and juicy...I wonder when the last time she ate was.

She looks old...but it could be the years spent on the streets...her shopping cart is full to the top...wrapped in garbage bags so you are unable to see her belongings...she is always bundled up never showing even the skin on her arms...she is interesting...and intriguing...and I want to know her...not just what I see...but actually know her.

I have spent a lot of time watching her from a distance and even close up without her noticing me...but now I want to show her that...she exists...not that I exist...but that she does...show her someone notices her and gives her attention...and wants to know her...not the surface her...but deep her...the her that has many stories...the her that has potential.

I dont like getting credit for a gift God has given me...I want Him to have the credit...people here in Calgary have been amazing and have told me I am great at my job and no one has ever said anything negative to me here...its like I am living in a dream...this cant be real life...it has to be a dream...there is no way someone like me can be truly happy...but I am and its weird at times still...I love my job and the people I am surrounded by...I love this city and this life...I dont want to be the hero or the great one...I dont even want to be good...I just want to be me...and I want people to see my Creator through me...let Him shine.

By the time I leave this city I will know that lady...I will know who she really is.

My success...and purpose

Being a dreamer in a doubting world is probably the hardest life to live...and some dont even dare go near that life...well I do...I have always been a dreamer...I have always believed I could do anything if I tried really hard...sometimes I get frustrated at myself...and wonder why I took the chance...and sometimes I see my success and get so proud of myself that I want the world to know.

I look at my life right now...and never in any life time thought I would be where I am today...I have probably the most amazing job anyone could have...I take care of children...in their early years where their minds are so moldable...where their innocence hasnt been takin away...where you are their hero...I love my job...it hasnt always been this way...I just about gave up on this career...untill I saw a place that made this job worth it...that showed me there are amazing caregivers out there...that showed me there are people out there just like me...who believe in these children and that truly believe they come first...it warms my heart to see this...and I have hope for their future.

Not only do I have an amazing job...I am back in the city where I was born...and loving it...I know that inside I have always been a big city girl but was stuck in a small city...I have always dreamed of walking down the street in a large city with the buildings so tall they almost reach the clouds...I am there...I am here.

Now the most amazing part of my life is where I am going next...totally out of my comfort zone...totally out of my social network...totally on my own...I am going somewhere high school teachers told me I would never end up...I am going to a place I never thought I was cut out for...I am going to University...and that is amazing to me...in a totally different city and province I will be packing up my life in less then two months and on a journey to an even bigger dream then I could have ever dreamed...because I am successful and I will succeed.

If you ask me I have already succeed in life...I have some pretty sweet people in my life that have helped me grow along the way...some have only been in my life for a season and some maybe only a day...but all have made an impact on me and all have created this wonderful mind...this dreamer...this world changer...and possibly someday Prime Minister of Canada.

My life isnt where I thought it would be...but my life is exactly where I want it...and I wouldnt want to change it for the world...so for those of you who read this and know me as a joker...a person who likes to laugh...be crazy and silly...there is a deeper me...that some do know...there is a deeper me that wants to see a better world...and is taking steps in making sure it happens...so for now being a dreamer in a doubting world is hard work...but someone has to do it...someone has to make sure the future is safe for your children and our childrens children and so on...that is my mission...that is my life.

I am tired of...

...thinking about you and me when there is no you and me
...supporting your dreams when you dont even notice
...putting aside what I wanna do just to be with you
...listening to your every word when you dont even hear me
...being there for you when you arent for me
...watching you but cant see me
...wishing on stars to be where you are
...not sleeping cause you are all I think about
...being invisible
...being just a friend
...agreeing with you just so you will see...

I am so into you...but all you can see is yourself...your dreams...and that perfect girl down the street

I am not...
...beautiful like her
...dont have a perfect body
...dont have exactly what you think is hot
...her

She hasnt told you...that you can do it...that you can dream...that you are everything to her...she doesnt even notice you...

now you know how I feel...going unnoticed...dreaming a dream that is not goin to come true

so this is me saying...I cant do it anymore...I cant dream of you...letting go of everything I hoped for and moving on...maybe now you will see I am so in love with you...maybe now you will see...me

Lonely Path

Act 1

The mood is set...the lights are dimmed...a girl is crouched down and folded over on the stage...she slowly stands up and says aloud to the air.

"Where oh where am I? Lost in my own mind...trying to figure out this place. All alone and heart broken...lookin for a familier face."

She starts to walk through the darkness...not knowing where she is going...looking around and seeing nothing but a lonely path.

"What is this? A path so lonely...shall I walk down this path?"

She stops to think for a bit then continues on down this lonely drak path...she stops what does she see...a vision of the love of her mother...when she was a child...playing with her and taking her for walks where they bonded.

"I remember those days I wasnt lonely I had my mommy"

She continues to walk...dark and lonely she is starting to feel cold but has nothing to keep her warm...she stops to remember her childhood days when her mom would give her a blanket to keep her warm...suddenly she felt the warmth.

"Mmmm I feel so warm again"...she says..."but I am kind of hungry."

Just then she pictures a bowl of soup and some sandwiches just the way her mom used to make them...she is no longer hungry anymore...so she keeps walking down this lonely path wondering if someday she will see a familier face...its getting darker and she is afraid of the dark.

"Awww but remember when mom put the night light in the hallway?" She says to herself...and is no longer afraid.

She lays down to rest as she is getting tired...and as she falls asleep she imagines her blankie is right beside her.


Stay tuned for the second Act

Update on my life

Ok people now is the time for a real update so that you are all on the same page. I have decided to stay in Calgary and call it my home. I will not be goin to the ranch this summer which was a super hard decison. I will be coming home one weekend to pack all my stuff at my mom's. And I dont actually know how many more times I will be in the Hat after that. As some of you know I have gotten accepted to Concordia University in Montreal. I already have a place to live and everything. So I will be leaving for Montreal the first week in august. I am super stoked for this move and am excited to explore a whole new place. I am loving living here in Calgary its so great. My job is amazing and I love and will be sad to leave it when the time comes. I do miss home a lot but sometimes feel as if it doesnt miss me. But its ok cause I am exploring a whole new life and am very excited as to where my life is goin....its finally happening its all coming together...and I just want to say thank you to those who believed in me and knew I could do this...I love you all and will keep everyone updated as my life progresses.

Create and dont be afraid

I am a dreamer and anyone who knows me knows this...I am accomplishing my dreams as we speak...but sometimes this walk is hard and lonely...and I know this is where I am supposed to be but for the first time in my life I stepped outside my comfort zone I didn't listen to where others wanted me...I did my own thing...lots of you are goin to say you always do your own thing that's who you are no I don't...I have always lived my life for others...and this time I didn't...I did what I wanted and I am dreaming...I am conquering...I am slaying giants...I am victorious...and I am doing this...ok this blog was supposed to be an update on my life so I will tell you.

I am happy here in Calgary I think I am a big city person at heart and feel on top of the world...I do miss home a lot tho...I miss my kitty...I haven't been this far from him before...I know that sounds lame but he is family too...everyday people are giving more and more reasons to enjoy this amazing city...just today I saw to amazing acts...I was hanging out in a Chapters(oh boy that's my favorite store) and I was reading this amazing book until I saw a man come up to the section where the bibles are with another man...the other man didn't look very clean...he was in work clothes...and the first man was well dressed and very clean....they were looking for a bible for the second man...he wanted a small one that fit in his pocket because then he could take it to work he said...and I couldn't help but listen and watch these two men bonding like men should...they couldn't find very small bibles so the man who wasn't clean said well maybe if I had a backpack...so the well dressed man said do you want one...I can get you one of those too...like honestly I don't know what happened before they entered the chapters I don't know what lead them there...but what I saw was a world changer...and not in the clean man...in the one who didn't look very clean...he was the one that acknowledged me....and as he left he said...have a good ma am...I was blown away...while he was in the store he said I need to come back here and get some books to research...the man that was well dressed did change this mans life but the man in the work clothes is goin to change many more lives...it was very cool to see....the next thing I did was go across to Dairy Queen and get somethin to eat...and when I was in there I saw a man buy another man some food that I don't even think they knew each other...but this man held onto the food like it was so precious and to him it probably was...two acts of world changers in an hour in a city so large that you could possibly see a million faces a day...in a city so large that poor are forgotten...these acts I saw today...is what we should be all about...now I know we are doing this in our churches...in our youth groups and my city is tryin to reach out as well...but why aren't the problems solved...whats one sandwich goin to do...why aren't we doing more...what is wrong with us.

Instead of the government caring about our debt free province they should be caring about the people in it...we look rich to other provinces...we look snobby to other provinces...Alberta wants to change Canada...well that isn't goin to work unless we fix our province...this province needs to care more about the people in it...and less about how much money we can get out of it...there needs to be a whole kind of new revolution in our government...and not one where it gets us more money or noticed more...one where adults and children don't have to live on the streets...I knew there was poverty but my eyes have been opened...my eyes have seen it here...I have seen it in my own city as well...but here its more visible...now why aren't we doing anything about this...I see houses that look like they are being held together with a couple of sticks...I see people digging through garbage's...I see sad eyes at the bus stops...I see children crying for help...what happened to caring about the people...no one should be left behind...we are ALL Albertans not just the rich.

Again I am sorry if you wanted an update on my big city life...but this is me this is my heart...and this is what I see...now God has me here for a reason...God is taking my across the country in a few months as well...and I am sure I will see more sadness and more pain...and it hurts me sooo much to see all this pain...and right now I have no money so I know what its like to wonder when the money is coming...you say you want change...then be that change...don't stand by and wait for the government to do something...and don't complain about them not doing anything because ultimately its you who decides...its you who has the power to create change...make me proud to say I am an Albertan...cause right now its hard to find reasons.

Stop judging

Ok screw it...I started out on this sweet blog about playing for keeps...then I had a thought...that changed what I want to say tonight...here I go.

I am a smart...world changing...deep women. Now for me thats a bold statement cause this is what most people see...a hyper, obnoxoius, loud, and distracted girl. I have a past that proves all of that...but I have a present that shows different...but people cant seem to get the past out of their heads and thats how they judge and look at me...the past is dead.

They wait and expect a stupid comment to come out of my mouth...then they make comments they think are funny which by the way are not...it hurts and cuts deep...people who are the closest to me...are the ones you cut the deepest.

I enjoy talking about world issues, and dreams others have...I enjoy gettin deep into peoples minds and hearts...I want to know them...not who they appear to be...when are people going to stop thinking I am that girl that makes them laugh...or says the stupid thing...or reads a picture book.

I say I read something and someone instantly has a remark what a childrens book...man I wish they knew how much that hurt...how the pain inside grows bigger...cause someone may have said that to me 5min earlier.

I am smart and I will change the world...and I am not that loud, obnoxoius, girl...I am a world changing, smart, women...and you will see it someday...stop judging people by their past and give them the stage for once...let them be noticed and real and you will change their world.

What are you willing to do?

As I sit here and think...think about my province about my country and most importantly about my dreams. I think are they big enough? When I am dream of change...what does that really mean? I did some research on the Internet...I googled a bunch of stuff and I looked on facebook. I wanted to see what Canadians are doing about important issues in our country...like the environment, poverty, education, jobs and all the problems we are facing. One thing I have grown to know is once someone says they are going overseas to do a missions trip...or they are going on a DTS people will hand over money to them to support their dream...but once someone says I want to start a street ministry in my own city...I am going to another province to do some missions...I am going to college or university to gain some knowledge to help out my country...the money does not come in...but those are those peoples dreams...not everyone is called overseas...now don't get me wrong I support all my friends in their dreams to go overseas and help out those countries...like for real I love that about them...I don't want this to be taking the wrong way. But what about those people who have a dream to see a better Canada...what about those people who are called to here...to their city...Canada needs a lot of help too. We have tons of poverty and other issues that need some assistance...some people say the government will take care of it so we don't have to...what the heck are they doing to take care of it? It isn't only up to them...yes we voted for them...yes we decided they were going to be in charge...but there are simple everyday things that we as the people can do in our everyday lives to change our country. Take recycling to the extreme in your city...you see a need? Someone who needs diapers for their child and cant get them...go buy them...we are too sheltered and have too many luxuries...even as I write this on my laptop watching my television in my warm house...I feel blessed...I don't even have a job but I have all this...I thank God for what I have. I think of all these tv shows I see...extreme home makeover...the big give and what not and think to myself...we don't need a tv show to do all of that...there are those resources in our own city...there are people that own companies that build houses that could build someone a house...like if it means you have to wait for a upgrade on your tv...or a bigger house for yourself then who cares...you have enough...our money hungry consuming world...sickens me...and I am not just pointing my finger at the world...but I am also pointing it at myself...I am at the point in my life where I would be happy without my tv...my movies...all my cds...and everything else I own...all I am trying to do with this blog is opening your eyes...to the problems in our own country and stop putting it on someone elses shoulders to fix...and support peoples dreams even if it means staying here in Canada and going to school...just change your thinking and you will change your world.

Dont forget to...DREAM

How did any idea start? Here let me answer that for you...with a dream. Lets take a look...someone said man my feet hurt...these animals are tired let think...how can we get around...then someone dreamnt up the car...a device that most people rely on these days. Other things that we use everyday were peoples dreams...indoor plumbing...refrigirators...computers...televisions...everything we use was someone's dream. Now most people who hang out with me know I am a big dreamer...I dream up many things but the point I am trying to get at in this is why dont we fullfill our dreams? Well thats simple...we are working out of fear...we dont think we can or its not possible...or what would people say. Well one of my biggest dreams the one I am workin on now is becoming a politician...do you know how many people tell me that I cant do that...or they laugh at me..even my close friends laugh at me when I tell them that...how do you think that makes me feel? Do you think I should back down cause I have little support...no...thats why its a dream because you can do it...you can do your dreams...they are put inside of you for a reason...a time and a place...and you need them to survive...someone needs you to dream so they can dream....someone needs your dream to happen so theirs can happen. As I sit here and write this I get lost in many dreams that I want to happen. My encouragement to you is to dream...and not only dream but dream BIG...because its your dream thats goin to change this world...its your dream thats make you happy...its your dream thats important...so dont...dont forget to dream.

Alberta...what happened?

Here is what I am frustrated about...is Albertans complain that this province isnt changing...that we need more change...and they arent happy...well wouldnt you think we would want to elect someone in to office that will make that change happen...well apparently not...apparently we are happy with the way things are...our province is just like a sewage plant...pretty on the outside but the same old shit on the inside...we can keep painting the plant and doing outer renovations but the same crap will always be on the inside...we make it look like we have it all together to the other provinces and brag about our debts being paid off...ohh yes we get the extra money from the government ohhh yes we make a lot of money...look at what we have.

Ok but for real people...I was talkin to a friend one day and she brought up a great point that I have been thinkin about a lot lately...she said Albertans are no better then Americans...we consume and consume we dont really care about the environment and have a lot of money...you know what I am starting to believe that...I thought about it...and what are we doing to make Canada better...what is Alberta to help out the little guys.

Ok some of you who are reading this are like oh she is jsut mad that the Liberals didnt win...you know what yes I am...and some of you Christians just jumped inside because you are like ohh the Liberals are for gay marriages thats wrong...yes its wrong but its also wrong for us to tell people how to live...thats God job not ours...well we are at it lets make drinking...and porn...and swearing illegal cause thats wrong in God's eyes as well...ohhh but wait alcohol makes a lot of money for the government I see...I see where the priorities are at...we have no right to play God...those people will get to heaven and have to be judged by Him then...for their actions...not by us.

Another thing that bugs me about voters is...this saying "well my grandparents voted this way...my parents voted this way...and I am goin to vote this way" ohhh my gosh....did it work for them...NO...so why..why do you think its goin to work now...you are the ones who said you wanted change...you are the ones...who said we need to do something...so my question is why...why didnt you do it...its a democracy after all we do have a say...if we keep doin the same action we are goin to get the same results.

I for one am sick of the conservatives being in and not doing anything...I for one am ready change...for a second I actually believed the rest of the province wanted change to...but after last nights results I saw that we are in a comfort zone that we are not ready to let go...a security blanket if you will.

I would like to take this time to apoligize to the rest of Canada for my provinces Alberta pride and cockiness...I would like to say sorry expecially to Sask becuase we have no right to make fun of you...we arent good enough for that...too much pride in this province...and I wont stand for it...we needed to vote differently so that the children of this province dont have to fix our mistakes...we werent thinking of them were we...when you put that X on that ballot you were only doing what you have always known...I believe people in the future will come to their senses..and you will see what your actions did.

Alberta...I am proud to be an Albertan...but I dont want people to complain about this province...you are the majority and the majority did not vote for change.

Grabs ahold of me

Someone once told me it was ok to write down everything I was feeling if its bad and angry...so I have picked that pen up again and started writing my thoughts down...my writing may not be in proper english or proper sentences or anything its just my thoughts...so read them if you like...

Dizzyness and confusion is how I feel
when my world gets turned around
sweaty palms, clenched fists
I see and feel the rage
wraps its cold hard arms around me
whispers in my ear...do it, punch them
I hold back my clenched fists
close my eyes and tell it to go away
the hold gets tighter and I almost explode
my heart is beating faster and my head is pounding
the world is spinning and I loose all control
I dont know how to stop, collapse to the ground, close my eyes and drift away

This is just a tiny bit of how I feel when I am angry its the only words I can put to the feeling its more intense then that tho...

Life like a musical

My life is like a musical...emotional and entertaining...now you can take that the way you want...you can mean it sucks or its great...by the way I love musicals so dont diss them...but the point I am tryin to get at is...here is me and my dreams...to be this person...who you ask...to be the one who listens to God and does what He wants...to be on fire to have life and passion...I want to change Canada...I want all these things...but sometimes it feels as of the world hates me...and the sad song starts playing...I fall to the ground and no matter what I do it doesnt please you...it tells me what I cant do...but I know inside of me thats not who I am...I dont let people walk on me...I dont...I am strong but I cant go on...how do you feel when you push me down...how do you feel when you win and I have nothing left...I hope it feels good...because you win for now...I am gettin my fight back and I will stand up.

Change our world...your way

The mess and confusion that is my thoughts…the swirling tornado of destruction in my mind…never know when its goin to stop or when its goin to explode…always wondering what my next step is…should I go right or left…should go back or forward…most of the time I stand still…and let you push me the way I need to go…most of the time I let my thoughts run wild…while you calm the seas…sometimes I am on my knees pleading…crying…and shouting out to you…I need you now…I need you to save me…I need you and you alone…no one else will do…so please take me where you need me…take me where my heart desires…and what it desires is…a better world…a better future…a memory…a revolution…a voice for the mute…I am begging please…take my life and make it yours…take my life and create change…after all you are the creator of the universe…take my life and make a difference…I am no longer my own mess….I am your creation to do what you will…to do the plans that you have for me…make a better future.

Refreshing

I had the most refreshing weekend of my life...its good to get away from civilization once and awhile...away from internet and cell phones and everything else that bogs us down. I went on the ENR staff retreat this weekend and it was incredable...I saw faces I havent seen in awhile and we laughed so hard and Pastor Landon spoke some words to us...now God just blessed me with the most refreshing weekend...and it wasnt neccassarily the words that Landon spoke but it was the moments in the forest on a three hour hike through the snow and almost peeing your pants because you are laughing so hard that changed my world and rocked it...the dance parties in the cabin in your pjs being a complete idoit but not caring because its freeing is what rocked and changed my world...its those moments that you never planned that you never thought would happen...its those moments that change your world...and those are the moments you need to treasure and remember forever...somethin I have realized in 2007 are friends always come and go...jobs are disposable...houses and cars and all material items are breakable...but life....life is attainable and needed and the most amzing thing you can have...some people take advantage of their life and party till they get sooo wasted they dont know what is goin on...some do extreme activities and really hurt themselves...and some lock themselves up in their rooms and ignore it...but that is not the life God has intended...and I am goin to start living my life...and no more doin what others want me to do...no more sitting here saying I am goin to do this and not do it...because life can be short we dont know how long we will be here.

So another note is I finished my dream list for 2008 for now and here it is:

1. Follow my heart
2. Rock the world/my city
3. Take a stand
4. Dont listen to the lies
5. Get my voice out there and heard
6. Stop being tossed among the waves

This is my dream list not resolutions but dreams that I want to fullfill in 2008 and keep fullfilling them in my future.

Where do I want to be?

I want to be in a place where...its not about me...where people are not selfish and greedy...where all they want is love...where a simple smile changes their world...I want to be in a place where all they want is my love...and possesions dont have them under its spell...I just want to be where people are satisfied with a hug...I want to be in a place that you can play...and laugh and smile and have all the fun in the world...and at the end of the day they dream of what they can do to change someones world...I want to be in a place where my dream infects others...and they begin to dream...I want to be in a world...that can dream.

2007...a year in review

Well its almost 4am and I am still up and the booze is out of my body...and I am thinkin about my year...was 2007 all I wanted and more...well the answer to that would be "hell no". At the beggining of the year I made better decisions of the year 2007 not resolutions...here were the decions and if they are in italics and bold I did it....

Better Decisions of 2007

No energy drinks
No more swearing
Eat three meals a day
No more alcohol
Start doing devotions
Care about me
Try and control my anger
Work harder
Stop making fun of others
Be a positive role model

Well I acomplished one I worked harder...yes all the others I sucked at...what did I learn this past year? How did it effect my 2008...oh man where to start I learned A LOT...and I have people in my life to thank for that...I am a dreamer and always have been...and well not many dreams were fullfilled this year...so for 2008 I am goin to make dream list...and try to accomplish somethin on that list...somethin huge I want to rock 2008 because 2007 wasnt that great of a year...I will write a better blog but for now peace out and Happy New Year.