Wednesday, March 28, 2007


I stand here naked and ashamed
You have stripped me of who I am
Or at least who I thought I was
Ashamed of what I have become
Hiding so no one can see…the beast within
Falling to my knees I surrender…what do you need me to do
I come out of hiding…into the world
Naked and unashamed
You clothe me with newness
And peace…and righteousness
Raise my arms in surrender
You equip me with my sword
And you say fight little one...fight


Sunday, March 25, 2007


Face is hot...feels like its on fire...face is red I am sure...tears streaming down my face...staring into of times when we were happy...joyful sounds would come from these see happiness and peace and friendship...too bad its only in a picture...I look around and see anger...frusration...and dissapointment...failure and fakeness...tears streaming down my face as I sit here in failure and take it all on as my fault...I see everything crashing down and falling apart at my feet...and its my fault...walking on the rubble...stepping on your I continue on in life...onto the next group onto the next friend...tears streaming down my face as I am staring into of and fun...too bad its just a picture...and reality is no longer like that...its violence...hatred and mistake...I know its my fault...dont worry the world tells do I fix this...I do I get rid of this...this pain I hold inside...I thought I already fixed it...I thought you took it away Daddy...this pain wants to leave this pain wants to stay...its a fight within...killing me on the inside...making sure I am longer will I trust or get hurts to much...face getting hot...tears streaming down my face...anger has set in...I want to scream...I want to yell...I want to fight...what the hell am I doing wrong?...why isnt it getting think you know dont know where I have been what I have seen...its easy for you to leave...leave then...but dont...cause all I need is for you to stay...tears streaming down my face...crying out for help...I am lost...I am stuck...I am confused...what did I do...and how did I get can I fix it...and why am I in a lose lose situation...lying here...tears streaming down my face...walking this road alone...truly alone inside...Daddy you are my one and only.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Ahhh yes

So this morning I got up and got ready for work...after sleeping for 12hours yes you heard me correctly I went to bed at 6pm last night...I was very tired...then I got my shoes on and walked outside and what...what did I see? I saw beautiful white fluffy snow...ahhh it was breathtaking...this meant it was goin to be a great day...then I walked to work and then I looked out the window and hour later and was snowing some more huge white fluffly flakes that lightly covered the ground it was marvelous...ok now I know there were a lot of people who woke up and saw that white stuff and cursed it...but not me I got lost in it...then I got off work and to my surprise it was all lovely white stuff all was so sad...and the weather was in its pluses again...I love the warm weather but the snow was a great refreshment...hmm onto what I got out of it...well its like my life...I am goin on in this hard desert and trying so hard to fight and fight...then I get the white snow the refreshing the rest the beauty...its those breathtaking moments...ahhh yes...then it goes away and I fight some more and grow some more and then somethin comes along and lets me rest...I got a lot of sleep last night and then I got the snow....but as soon as that was all done I had to fight some more... I am tired of the fighting even tho I know its necessary...I just want to rest for a long period of time not a short time...I want to lay in my Daddy's arms and hear Him sing me a song...ahha yes it snowed today it was so Daddy sang to me today.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Poem from the depths of Nikki's mind

Running in circles trying to prove
Prove to you that I can do it I can make it and I will change it
You look at me with disappointment in your eyes
Everything I do is wrong…everything I do is a mess
I touch something with my hand and it falls apart
You are telling me how to live and how to act
I don’t want to be trapped in your box
You call this life yet you aren’t happy
You call this life yet you have nothing
I do not want this thing you call life
I have a different view a new perspective
I want to live...not die
I want to be free and prosperous…ouch a bad word well at least that’s what you think
You hear my dreams and thoughts and yet…
You don’t believe
I get up and you push me to the ground
You keep me down why…
Cause I have everything you long for
I have the life that you forgot about
I have the life you always wanted
So instead of being happy for me you tear me down
You push me to the ground…and walk on me
To you its only a dream…to me its reality
When are you going to be happy for me
You are sucking me dry not letting me breath
Feels like my throat is closing up and everything is getting dark
I don’t want to give into those lies
The ones you spoke over me
The ones about poverty and failure
Because that’s not who I am
I am better then that
And I am going to change the world
I pray you get the chance to see
To feel…and to taste
This life…the life you think is impossible
This life that is in your reach…all you need to do is...reach

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

A run...Gods creation...and inspiration

I went for a run tonight...yes I went for a run get over it sheesh...anyways I was running away...and for the first time ever I wasnt run from something...I was enjoying the night air and the breeze on my face...I grew up in this city so the roads and the streets are all familier and I grew up in this part of the city so it was great...but then I turned a corner...I was still running but realized that I have never been down this street before no never...this is weird I realized I was walking now and no longer running...I looked around and almost started panicking no I am not lost I know this city of the back of my hand...but could I be know when you go to a big mall and you took so many turns and you are so confused as to where you decide to consult the big sign with the map of the mall on it that says "you are here" yeah I know I am here but where the heck is here...and you start freaking out cause all you want to do is get back to that store where you found those cute little shoes...well this is what I felt like I started thinkin in my head so I took this turn and that I started jogging again and all of a sudden whats that ohh that looks familier...and I start running and end up on a street I was the weirdest thing I have never been down that street before.

So I went to swing on this swing behind my house and I got thinking...that is almost like our walks with God...we are happy to be where we are untill He puts us somewhere unfamlier...somwhere you have never been before and you reconize no one....then you all of a sudden stop running and start walking...and some go further and just plain old stop...but after that is over He will always bring us back to the familier so we never have to worry...its crazy what a night time run can do to you...being in nature in Gods creation gives me so much inspiration.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Different and Weird

Well this is my inside the mind of Nikki blog page right? And I normally do share what I am thinkin and stuff...but what I feel I cant explain...where I am at I dont know how to describe really...ok here I will try to tell you were I am life this week is goin great mainly cause I am lettin those negative things people have to say to me slide right off...but in a cocky way....I have a cocky attitude that I have gained a very bad one....I actually think I am better then people and I dunno where it came from...I stand tall yes but not in a positive way...I stand tall so the people around me can see that I am better then them...ok now before you start saying things to me...I know this is not a good attitude to have...I know I am in the wrong this time...but its weird cause I dont care and not in a normal I dont care apathetic attitude its a different I dont care I cant explain yeah I cant really explain where I am at cause its a weird place that I have never been thing I do know is my health isnt doin so good...I believe since I am at the top of my game listenin to God and praying hard again that the enemy is attacking me in my health cause I am sick and I am usin drugs and praying and its not goin away...and things are gettin worse...I also know that from this point on I am empty and God is the only one workin now...I cant do nothin else I am empty...I am not givin up either I am way past that...and I am movin forward...and I do have new vision but I just am tired really...and this weekend isnt helpin it cause its been jam packed for me without any of my say in yeah life is life is interesting...and I cant explain to you how I feel...I cant explain to you where I am at...its just different and weird.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I'm Hot!

Enough said...want to see more go to my flickr account.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Fresh insight

Ahhh yes the melting snow...the sunny days...the birds chirping...the smell of spring...spring that is coming upon us...ahhh yes...wait...did you say melting snow ahhhh what am I to beautiful snow is melting...ha ha no problem its ok...its a new season.

Now as I read all my friends blogs I see a pattern...all of their lives are changing and the season is changing ironic I think totally is a new season it totally is time...time for new things to be life...its time. As I sit here and think about my own life...I see new things to experiances.

So as I sit here and look into things more I see victory...for those of who dont know my name Nicole meams victory of the people...and what I see in this new season of my life is more victories...its time for me to rise become who I have been created to be. Now I know I have said this before and have gotten stirred up before...but not with the same revelation I have now...people think that the isolation I have been giving myself is a bad thing but that is not true...I have been looking into myself...seeing who this person is...looking at what I find important in life and hold close to my heart...I have been thinking about a lot lately and I have found out what I want in life...and have actually made goals I have never been such a goal orientated person but its time...about a month ago it was told to me in prayer that this is a year of firsts...things are goin to happen in my life that is a first...and I totally believe that and have already seen it...well friends this is my year...of firsts.

I am not going to share what my goals are because thats between me and will you know if they happen...ohhh you will know you will see will SEE them...this week I have learned a lot...I have learned how to function healthy on my own...without people...without the world...and just me and God...this week I thought the world walked out on me...I thought everything that I held dear to my heart came crashing down...ha ha but you know what it didnt...God was showing me what I need to do to be satisfied...what to do in Him and who to look at first my Daddy...I actually enjoy spending time with myself...and dont always need people to entertain me...I enjoy going to bed early and getting enough sleep for my work day...I enjoy my Daddy and all the time Him and I spend together...He is the only Father I have ever known and its great to know that He is there for me no matter what...even when the world walks out on me...and everything comes crashing friends here is the thing...if I am a bit distant with you then dont fret because that means my problems are being taken care of by my Daddy...He has my back...people dont need to know everything about me.

So to end this blog I am going to say...its a new season...get ready...cause change is coming.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

My weekend and life and you know

This weekend has been great more then anything I can imagine God is doin somethin...I am not sure what but I do know its goin to be big and great...this week was a hard week and this weekend was like a refresher for me...God gave me what I needed and that was to see faces that I loved and missed...people who I havent seen for a long time...and that I got close at church was amazing I think...I kinda blanked out a couple of was like a was like victory after a was amazing but...I wouldnt let myself enjoy it...I wouldnt let myself get excited...I wouldnt let myself cry today...I just wouldnt let myself...why you ask I am not too sure why...I didnt fight hard enough...I didnt do all I could...I screwed up big this week at work and it was my fault...and I need to do better...I screwed up big this week in life as well...I screwed up friends...and I shouldnt have I needed to fight more and persevre and I didnt...this is still past addictions in my life as well that need to go away...there is failure that needs to go away...lately I feel like anything I touch no matter what it is I fail at matter what it is I touch I fail...and I dont know how to fix it...this week everyone and everything has attacked me...and I dropped my shield....I have not yet picked up cause I cant carry it anymore...I am tired and week...I am tryin to carry things for friends that dont appreciate it...I am tryin to do things for friends who could care less...I am getting tired...the weird thing is I have been getting tons of sleep this weekend and not feeling any of it in the body is sore and tired feels like I got zero sleep...I am empty and tapped out and cannot give no more...I am done friends...I am done....if you are lookin for me I will be the one lying on the ground waving a white flag

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Update on the life of Nikki

Some of you are probably wondeirn whats up...well I had a really hard week of work and thats all I am saying...umm then friday was an awesome day...felt God all over me all day long and then went to Vibe that night and had sooo much fun...then woke up early saturday morning to go to the trade show to help out at the ENR booth and had fun there to got to learn how to putt or somethin like that...somethin that had to do with golf...and then I was sellin a ticket and I looked up and my lovely friend Aryn was there I knew she was goin to be in town but thought we wouldnt have a chance to see each other and we did...I was so excited...God is all over me today and I am happy this is life...I am praying for a few things that I am not goin to share but I think its goin to happen soon...anyways I know this blog wasnt that yeah I will write a more exciting one later.