Believe in Santa...like a child

Every Christmas I have come on here and say that I dont like Christmas because in my household its more of a battle then a peaceful day...and that I love it tho because its Jesus's birthday the day He came into the world the day God knew He had to do something to save His people...but really thats not what I want to talk about...not at all...I want to encourage you my readers to believe...now believe in what...well santa of course...now wait before you stop reading and listen up...look at a child...a small one...and what do they believe about Christmas...they believe that santa watches them in all they do and the days leading up to Christmas they try to be as good as they can...because they want that special toy they asked for...they believe one man flys around the world and hands out toys to all boys and girls...what if everyday of every month of every year we behaved because we thought we would get rewarded...this world could be different...a lot of children behave this way mainly in december some the year but most in decemeber...they believe in the good....they are innocent in all this...and we let them continue this way hoping they will grow up to be decent people...they have this faith that no one else can have...childlike faith...something I want you to have...I want you to believe in santa like a child does...and wake up Christmas morn with so much anticipation that it leaps out of you and your eyes sparkle...now I know some of you who read my blog dont believe in God or the same God I believe in...I know some of you doubt that He really exists...but I know He does...and it is my wish this Christmas that you at least believe in santa because we need to believe there is good in this world...and believing in santa with childlike faith is the same way...me and my other Christian friends believe in God...we cant see Him...we also dont see santa...God gives us gifts...so does santa...God watches us in all we do...apparently so does santa...there is only one difference...God really does live today...santa lived at one time in history the story of how he came about is really quite amazing...but God lives today...He still walks this earth and lives in all of us...and I know this...now I am not gonna tell you to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savoiur...I am sure you have heard that enough...and I am not a pushy Christian...all I want is from you is to celebrate this day like a child...get excited...dream big....watch the snow eh go play in it even...hang with family...play games...eat lots...and dont forget...just believe in the good...live this day through the eyes of a child.

Dreams, Blessing and Life

Ok so this is almost a little run off from my previous blog about being blessed...I recieved a plane ticket home for Christmas...something that has never happened to me...I never told my mom or many friends so it was a surprise and she almost cried and one of my best friends really did cry...and I didnt know I changed much at all untill I came home and people see it off me...I am living the dream...I am excited about life...and LOVE this journey I am on so much I dont even care about the destination...honestly...I have a great life and I thank everyone who has ever believed in me and I thank everyone who has sowed into me...even with their words....thank you to all...and have a great holiday season...and remember its not about what you get...its about what you give and what Jesus gave to you.

Blessed

I would just like to mention how blessed I am...its been hard not to have a job here and walk in faith....not know if groceries were goin to be in your cupboards or rent in your hands...and every month I have full cupboards and rent paid...I get to start my job this week which is really exciting...and I have great friends here in Montreal and feel as if this is home...I also feel God is keeping me here longer then I thought...and I dont think He brought me here just for university...I also have some other praise reports but I cant tell you them right now...I will write about it next week...just wanted you all to know I am doing well...and am excited to see whats next.

My opinion

So I know I just wrote a blog but something has come to my attention and well this is my blog...so I can say whatever I want...also I live in Canada where my opinion can be stated without getting shot or killed some how...and I would like it to stay that way where my opinion counts...now if you know me well you know where I am goin with this blog...two words have gotten Canada's attention...COALITION GOVERNMENT...and now I have yours...well this is what it took for you to tune in...some radical move from the opposition...more Canadians are talking politics this week then I have seen ever...I was on the metro tonight and people my age all around me were talking coalition this coalition that...but I bet you they didnt vote in this past federal election...ok so if you are on my facebook then you know I am for this new, radical government...and I will state my reasons...but first I have rules...you can comment your opposing opinions...but no name calling...that isnt very mature...we are all entitled to our opinion...now lets look at the numbers so 60% of Canadians went out to vote in this years federal election...30% of those people voted for Harpers government...the other half went to the Liberals and the NDP's and of course the Bloc...now 500 000 Liberal voters in Ontario stayed home...now the question why did voters stay home? Most say its because they already knew the turnout so their vote wont count...ahh but your vote does count or at least it did...every vote a party gets thats money towards that party...but wait here is the kicker...Harper wants to get rid of that...therefore your vote really doesnt count...ahhh yes he says it will be better for our economy or as I read somewhere on someones facebook group...they dont need that money...well if they dont need that money how the heck are they going to run campaigns then...this is a weapon the Harper government is using so that other parties will be disadvantaged...so 70% of Canada did not vote for Harpers Conservative government...but wait you people for this government say the majority voted him in...thats not true is it? Well I guess you lose that argument...oh I love Canada because we are a democratic country...what? you say were not...of course we are...just becuase this coalition government is existing doesnt mean we are a communist country do you even know the difference between the two...cause I can list them lets see if I paid attention in my poli sci class....Communism believes that the state should own everything..which means no private ownership...well that sucks Communism believes in a classless society...so that means you can work your butt off put you will make the same as the person who sits on their butt....Communism is associated with totalitarian government, such as those found in the former Soviet Union, China and North Korea. Totalitarian regimes are ruled by a single mass party that completly controls political and social institutions in an effort to attain an ideologocially driven goal...pretty much they dont care what the people say...well lets look at Democracy..well the defintion of democracy hasnt really been agreed upon..but I like Robert Dahl's defintion he classifies political regimes in two criteria: the degree of contestation of political power and the extent of popular participation in such contestation...then there is another belief that is also good and that is of Adam Przeworski he says that the government who wins doenst neccessarily have garunteed control over the power that they won and when the opposition figures this out they stay in the race because they always have a chance....well democracy only works if 100% of the people vote because then you will have the majority in power...again if you need someone to blame...blame the people of Canada and if you didnt vote where were you that day...its law that your boss has to give you time to vote so you cant use that as an excuse...you have no right to complain about the government if you did not vote...now lets give this government a chance...lets support our country and instead of bickering and making facebook groups lets see what will happen lets wait till Dec 8th and then lets see what is the big problem here...this is different opinions coming together to work together..unity in Canada we want that...the Harper government is not a team player and thats why they are scared...they may have had a stronger minority but to them they still lost because they want a majority government...no I am not happy that Dion will be leader untill May...but I will support just like I have supported Harper and I didnt vote for him...what makes me laugh is that this is what woke Canada up...this is what grinds everyones gears....crazy....well next time vote...whatever happens I will support it...and I laugh everytime I see the word coalition...because it really does scare me to not know what is going to happen...who knows we may actually be having Christmas at the poll station...is that what you want?

Random Thoughts

I have had a lot of thoughts lately and I did have a blog I was goin to write the other day...but now I have no cluse what to write...my life has been crazy...and most of it in a good way...but its about to change again...friends I have made here are leaving to go back home and I have to make and get closer to other people...I attend two churches now one on sundays and one on thursdays...I will be starting my nanny job in Decemeber...and school is over for the semester...and I didnt do as well as I thought I could have done which sucks...but such is life...I am learning every day why God wanted me here in Montreal and believe it or not university isnt just the reason...there is so many things I could be doing here...so I have had the flu for the last couple of days...I got a flu shot on thursday with the family I will be nannying for and they said I wouldnt get sick from it...well thats not true...I was soooo sick...I felt like death...ugh...well today its just a cold now...not so achy anymore...I have all this week off of life I have my only final exam on friday I should be studying for it but we all know how that will work...I am stoked for my girls night plans next weekend it should be fun...chick flicks, chocolate and staying up all night chatting you know those are memories you hold onto forever...I love it...another thing I am learning is to cherish each day...dont look at the future and get sad for a day that is coming or look forward to a day that is coming...cherish the present day...the day at hand...because once its gone you wont have it and may regret not doing all you could...with that being said dont dwell on the past...and wonder what could have been different...just look at the present...this blog really had no point to it just my random thoughts...leaving you again with the same challange I love leaving you with and its be radical..and change your world.

My Christmas wish list

These are the things I would like for Christmas...so if you keep these in your prayers that would be awesome

1. To be home(this is mainly for my mom thats all she wants for Christmas is for me to be in the Hat)
2. Tuiton for school or else I cant register for next year
3. A great french/english dictionary

I cant really think of anything else...I just guess I have everything else I need...but these things are important to me so dont forget me in your prayers

I am uninspired and feel I have writers block...and dont have time to just settle down and chill to write anything new...so I will leave you with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs...because she pretty much writes how I am feelin I couldnt have said it any better its just amazing

If You Want Me To

Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken

And The signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason why You brought me here

But just because You love me the way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If You want me to

Chorus: Cause I'm not who I was

When I took my first step

And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet

so if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will walk through the fire If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When you lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me

And I'm all by myself

And I can't hear You answer my cries for help

I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through

And I walk through the darkness If You want me to

cause When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout

Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down

So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you

And I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

Life as I know it

Life as I have known it is changed...its a huge transition for a Medicine Hat girl to move to Montreal....they are nothing alike...but I am home...I love it...and I barely think of the Hat...I call this home...I am learning a new language and learning a new way of living and its been amazing...stretching of course but amazing at the same time...I wasnt the happiest person back home and felt like I was a big fish in a small tank...and here I feel like a little fish in a big tank and its an amazing feeling...I am truly a big city girl...the feeling of becoming and growing and journying in the unknown is exciting...not knowing where God will take me next is exhilerating...I have found a church here that has challanged me and grown me into somethin pretty darn amazing...I love the church I attend...I never want to miss a sunday no matter how hard I try to stay home I cant...I love to go to church and thats a different feelin too cause I didnt always like church back home...no offence to those who attend my church back home...its still family...but this church blows me away...the people I have met here are truly great too...school isnt so great but thats just a small part of life even tho its the reason I thought I came here...but I am starting to believe different...this city doesnt have many Christians at all...and I have been brought here to be a light to this city to show them there is a way...its a very dark and sad city...so many homeless, poor, and just depressed looking people...but there are reasons for that...and I want to see God move...I have a passion for the French Canadians...God has shown me His heart for them...and I want to show them His love...I dont want them to see me I want them to see Him...talking about God here is a tough topic but I can see God move even when I dont mention a word about Him when I am talkin to someone...I jsut sit on the metro and pray and I can feel God move...its a great feeling...I am so far away from anything familier and that life was all I knew...now I know a different life....and being this far away from the ones I love...I have a bit of a feeling what the lost here in Montreal feel from being so far away from love...but when they see God when they feel Him...when they start to follow Him...they wont be lost...they wont be sad...they will have the love of God...I dont know who reads this but I know all my friends are different stages in life...and I do know now what its like to leave somewhere and lose all ties to someone...I feel like I have lost friends since being here...but God has given more friends...and now I know how to let go...I never have been able to before...letting go of people you care about was a hard thing for me...but I have let go...I have let go of all those who have let go of me...and I am ok...they will always be loved...but I have let go...and I just want to say one last thing before I go...do something out of the ordinary this week...something out of your comfort zone...something you would have never done before...touch someones life...do something extreme...and then live your life on the edge...dont conform.

Handle with care

I feel inspired so I am taking a break from my research paper to write this blog...I love to blog because it helps me to feel and release things...even tho I know barely anyone reads my blogs shown by the lack of comments...but its ok I just need to write makes me happy...a persons heart is a fragile thing...now I dont mean the physical heart I mean just the feelings and love and emotions part...we get hurt easy...we fall apart fast...we let too many things people say get to us...I know I make fun of my friends too much and I am trying to stop it...and I am goin to make a consious effort right now to stop it...because I know how it feels...everyday someone makes comments to you and they dont know what they are doing but it hurts...it really hurts...and the hurt goes deep...they dont know what you have already been through in your life...they dont know that what they just said to you makes you feel like scum...like the stupidest person in the world...they dont know you already struggle with trying to succeed...they just make their comment...but it hurts...and the pain goes deep...its hard to be in a group of people when you feel like the dumbest one there...I know I try to put this tough, nothing bothers me front up...but really I am a typical emotional girl...who things bother me...they hurt me too...afterall I am human as well...its hard to be around the people you love because they hurt you the most...and most of the time without knowing it...I feel in a world all alone even when I am in a crowd...I feel like I am losing hope and becoming weaker...but I will continue to walk with my head held high and not let you see...that you are hurting me...I wont let you see that what you say goes deep and the pain hurts bad...I wont let this affect me...because I know I have a purpose and I have a dream...all these deep pains will turn to scars...and thats how I will remember you.

What do you mean when you say "I am a Christian"?

I dont actually know where this blog is going to go or how it will be protrayed but I need to get some things off my chest and out of this brain so I can move on with my day. Christianity...I am a Christian and a lot of my friends are and some arent...but what does that mean...when we say we are because statistics show that about 9 million people in Canada claim they are a Christian...well what does that mean...I know that it should mean well 9million people can change a lot of lives...but it hasnt...the dictionary has many definitions for a Christian like exhibiting a spirit proper to a follower of Jesus Christ...or pertaining to, believing in, or belonging to the religion based on the teachings of Jesus Christ or I like this one a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ. That last definition is the one I would choose a person who exemplifies in his or her life the teachings of Christ meaning you can just see it on them...I actually know a couple of people that I can see it on...literally can see Jesus and one isnt from Canada so that 9 million well I would say that number is a lot lower then that. What does the bible say a Christian is or is to do lets take a look. In Matthew 10:37-39 Jesus says "He who loves father and mother more then Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. He who has found his life will lose it, and he who has lost his life for My sake will find it." Those of you who read this and dont believe in God will be like what the heck does that mean...well its simple if you have life without God you will surely die...if you have life with God you will never die but live eternally and that doesnt mean on this earth...in heaven. So what does this mean to a Christian....well again simple...follow Jesus cause His way is the only way...yet so many of us fall short(I am including myself in this just so you know). What else does the bible say? In Matthew 4:19 Jesus says "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men" well now if there are 9 million Christians in Canada then that number should actually be higher if we are supposed to be fishers of men...maybe we are using the wrong bait...haha what do I mean by that...well the main bait I have seen us the church use is relevancy...we are so concerned with being relevant to the generation now that we actually left Jesus out...and the most important factor which is relevancy its relationship...with God first then people...if we stopped concering ourselves with the way our buildings we call church looked and with what we wear and how we talk....and just shared Jesus and be like Jesus I am sure that 9 million people would turn into a larger number...stop making Jesus Relevant and just share who He is...cause He is a rad guy on His own. Another thing I need you to remember as a Christian is church is not a building...we are the church...we are...everywhere we go there is church because we bring it with us...whether or not its in schools, workplace or the pubs...we bring the church so maybe...just maybe we need to start acting like the church not just on sundays. I dare you to sit in the Metro or in your bus or in your school or a park or on your break at work...and read the bible...not just in the privacy of your own home but in the open...lets see what people say then...lets see what kind of looks you get...lets see if you are actually accepted for who you are...cause if you claim your a Christian most people will stand further away from you...lets try this...lets show people we are on fire for God...or are you? My pastor told us to do something really fun for those of us who go to university and that is to tell someone you are a creationist...or even try it at work....I havent been able to yet but I really want to...see if that is acceptable. Mark 4:21-23 says "And He was saying to them, A lamp is not brought to be put under a basket, is it, or under a bed? Is it not brought to be put on the lampstand? For nothing is hidden, except to be revealed; nor has anything been secret, but that it would come to light. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear." Lets see what the bible says about popularity which another way of looking at it could be persecution because Jesus was not popular and neither is Christianity. In Acts 13:49-52 it says "And the word of the Lord was being spread through the whole region. But the Jews incited the devout women of prominence and the leading men of the city, and instigated a persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and drove them out of their district. But they shook off the dust of their feet in protest against them and went to Iconium. And the disciples were continually filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit." People will try to kick you out of your city and their lives but see what the end of this verse says they were continually filled with joy and the Holy Spirit...meaning God never leaves us no matter who else does...haha Christianity is not popular but thats ok...because God will reward us for listening to Him...ok so I am not sitting here on my high and mighty stool telling you this cause I am no different then the other 9 million who say they are Christian. I went to this lecture last night called Harmony in Diversity...and most of it was meh but some of it I got things out of...like how we have love and all these things as Christians that God has given us...why arent we sharing it with others...and you may say well I am in this ministry and this one and that one...who cares...thats not important its yor everyday lives that you live out its in your walking down the street and seeing a homeless person what do you do then? Who cares about the ministry you put your name too or the look at me church you go to that doesnt matter. God doesnt care about those things...He cares about what you did when no one was looking...who you encouraged or helped when no one was looking so that all the praise goes to Him and not you...He likes when we as the church goes out to feed people and what not but He is tired of His name being left out...He is tired of not getting the credit for it...we are nothing without Him and wouldnt be able to do things without Him...He and He alone gives us the strength...my heart is breaking for the lost...but sometimes my heart breaks for the found...because they dont actually know or understand the gift of God and what it means to be like Jesus to be a Christian...I think if we took that 9 million and knocked on all those doors and truly searched or even asked God it would dramitically drop and that hurts my heart...like I said I know a few Christians that I can actually see Jesus in but not many...and that includes me I am not the Christian I want to be...but starting right now I am going to try harder to be like Jesus to everyday listen to what I am supposed to do and stop ignoring those who need me...and most importantly need Jesus...I challange you this week to sit and ask God what He wants from you...what He wants you to change...and where He wants you to impact in your cities and places of influence...and those of you who read this and arent born again...when I say this I mean those of you havent made a commitment to serve God and ask for your sins to be forgivin...then I challenge you to seek Him and take that step of becoming a following Christian...your life will change and it will be such a rad change you will never want to go back...trust me on this...and if you need a testimony contact me and I will share with you my life...and my decison and my trials...because I believe God let me go through this life to share it with you...and even if you are a Christian and want to hear my story just ask...and I will definitly tell you...walk like Jesus this week and every week...do something radical...live on the edge...and most importantly dont forget to dream...now is the time...we dont live in the future or past but in the now...so go and be fishers of men.

The American Dream

Everyone knows about the American dream...go to university and get a great education and get the job you always dreamed of...but what happens if we throw some twists in there...and things dont go as planned...who do you blame? Yourself, family, friends or God? Well it really is no ones fault sometimes we go through things in our lives that are stepping stones to that dream....sometimes we have to be broken to be fixed...but do we have to hit rock bottom? Do we have to end up with nothing at all? I dont believe that...I know we are human and make mistakes and then sometimes we have to pay for them...25 and has hit rock bottom...sometimes I feel as if there is no reason to go on...sometimes I wonder why...why did I follow my dreams and where are they taking me...I have been thinking a lot lately about this path I am on...about me finally doing something I have always wanted to do..and wondering where the happy Nikki went...the one who believed she could do anything...the dreamer...the world changer...I know she is still there...I am just having a bit of troubles finding her...and I know I am on this path for a reason and I know I am to trust in my God...and I still know He is there...so when you leave a comment dont tell me to pray dont tell me to trust dont tell me to have faith...cause I do...just be a friend and be there for me...and keep me in your prayers...we all go through things for a reason...we all have our share of trials...and I know I will get out of this..I just cant give up...I am too good for that and too smart...I will have my American Dream

Afraid

Not afraid of change cause I thrive off that...not afraid of my future as much...not afraid of being alone...not afraid of being so far away...afraid of today...yesterday and tomorrow...that may not make sense to any of you but it makes sense to me...I have been thinking a lot and maybe I am not cut out for politics...I am not cut throat...I make promises and actually keep them...I am an idealist...I believe in the people...I believe in dreams...I love to see people dream...so maybe I am not cut out for politics...which leaves me to say this...I am thinking of changing my major...I love political science...but influences around me are starting to make me believe I am not cut out for it...maybe its the enemy speaking and maybe not...maybe I am changing and maybe not...politics will always be my heart still...but maybe its not that important...at least thats what it seems.

Lost Country

I have people in my life applying for Canadian citizenship and sometimes I sit here and ask...why? Why do these people want to become Canadian? Is it our beautiful lanscape or peaceful nature...or possibly the jobs or the great people? I know whats its not...its not because of our government....because if it were no one would want to live here...Canada always struggles for its own identity...some people think we are the same as the states...and well as Canadians we know we arent...but something I have come to realize is...the way we vote for a certian leader is like the states...we vote someone similar to what they have and why is this I have no idea...canada complains that it needs to change...canada complains we are wasting money in certian things...and yet they vote the same government that they complain about...it boggles my mind on how can they do this...well I dont have much more to say...other then canada you got yourself into this mess...you voted conservative and not only that almost gave them a majority talk about a scare for me...canada you obviosly dont care about your future...you dont care about education...your children or the environment...you voted and somehow I dont think it was right...i dont believe this government is good for canada...but thats your problem now

Election 2008

Well its another election...and some of you are probably surprised I have not yet written a blog about it haha...well here it is...this is goin to be my blog about the election...and you may be a little surprised of the content...first I would like to stress the same thing I always stress and that is VOTE...for real people just get out there and vote...honestly you have no reason not to...so just do it...with Oct 14th approaching very fast tensions are rising and the country may be a little confused...because I feel that this election is like none other...this election is a crazy rollercoaster with too many slip ups...most of you know that I have voted Liberal in prevouis elections...and most of you know I dont like Harper...well this is a bit of an interesting election and let me tell you where I stand and why I am going to vote the way I am going to vote...first we need to stop Stephen Harper and get him out of there...he is no good...and he keeps lying to the public never mind the plagerism charge just listen to him when he talks...he really is no different then Bush...I sat in a debate today not between the PM's but people who are running here in Montreal and the consercatives platform sounds almost like they dont care what we want or what Canada really needs...they sound a bit dictorship like...they have a stand and they are going to stick to it no matter what we think...so why should we give the Harper government another chance...if there is one thing I get across in this blog is...DO NOT VOTE FOR HARPER...DO NOT VOTE CONSERVATIVE....now on to the liberals...well now they just dont have a leg to stand on...come on Dion is going to have to do a lot of work to get votes in the west...and it sad to say but the Liberals time is up...they need new stuff and I think thats why they created a green shift...they know they need help...they know that they have to get stronger...I believe they will do well but not as good as the intend...now the green party...well we all know they will get some votes but not many so I see about 5seats for them...now the NDP...this group has intrigued me this round...this group seems to have it a bit more together then the rest...and I believe this group has got it going on...Jack Layton hmmm sounds like the next Prime Minister perhaps...they have a green stand, they have a student stand, they are interested in families...and they just all around would be a good change for this country...I believe they will do well in this upcoming election...so remember dont vote conservative cause a vote for conservative is a vote for Harper and we need to take him down...so you probably already guessed where my loyalties lie this round...VOTE NDP...VOTE JACK LAYTON

Become no one

I know life isn’t easy…I know we are all human and screw up and disappoint…but I also know that we all have hearts…and I know that inside of our hearts there is love…and I know that we crave love…from people…but I also know that we love to love…I know humans aren’t a mean race…I know that we don’t mean to hurt people…and I do know that humans care and hurt when they see the hurting…but here is what I don’t know…why is that these hearts of ours hold all this love and crave this love…and yet we have troubles showing it…we care about our own lives…we are selfish…we don’t share love…we don’t show we care…we don’t…we just don’t…now not all of us are like that…but most of you who read this…if there is anyone reading this…are guilty of it…you are the people you don’t like…you are the one who doesn’t share your love…you are…you just are…I have also been guilty of it…but on a daily basis I try not…I actually think about people and show them I care…but one thing I have learned is…you can acknowledge someone till you are blue in the face and sometimes they are just too busy with their lives and their desires that they will not show back that they care…so I am learning to let go…I am learning to say goodbye…and I am learning to let go of the people in my life who have let go of me…I am learning to not rely on people and just rely on God…and it feels good…but it’s a lonely road…especially in a city as lonely as this one…this city the people fill their lives with alcohol and drugs and sex but none of that will fill them…none of that will satisfy…this is a very broken and sad city…and I constantly feel alone because I literally have no one here…and sometimes my heart is sad…because I can pour as much love as I have out…but when none is coming to me you feel empty and I know God can fill it up…I know this…but sometimes…just sometimes it would be nice to hear it from a person….humans are a selfish race…and sometimes I just wish Jesus would come back already…sometimes I just wish…just wish that we would see these things that we have here on earth are going to be no longer…and I know what it means to give up possessions I sold everything to get here…I don’t have tv…or internet…and its been so great…because I am closer to my God…but I just wish I knew people cared…I am losing hope for the human race…and I am not just talking about the non-Christians…but I am also talking about the Christians…the ones who believe that success is their destination…the ones who are living in those big houses with their nice cars…the ones that think that is where God wants them…and yeah success and money is great…but I am happy to not have a lot of it…I am happy to be living in the ghetto…I am happy without the money that will soon be burned with the rest of this earth…and I just wish people would see it…I am putting my heart out on the line one last time…and I just want you the world to seek real happiness…without money and success…become no one…so that HE becomes someone.

Update on my life

Well I have been living in Montreal for almost a month now...and I really do enjoy this city...I start school in a week and am getting excited...I still havent figured out how I am goin to pay for school and I am thinkin I need to go get a job now...but I am relying on my God to come through with finances for school...Montreal is a great city if you havent already checked out my pics on facebook I think you should do so...its a lot different then Alberta and the whole french thing is hard but I am surviving...so its ok...haha its funny cause the drivers, pedestrians and cyclists all think they are invincible...they just randomly cross roads even when on coming traffic is there and everything its funny...they all seem in a hurry too...I love the metro sysytem its so easy to use and my church and school and house are all on the green line so its cool...its a very green province...what I mean by that is they are all about the recycling and stuff here its cool and intense and everywhere you go you will see a Quebec flag they are very proud to live here and thats cool too...I am learnin some french I hope to be fluent by Christmas...I am meeting more and more people but cant wait for school so I can meet more peeps...well I dont know what else to say this is all for now.

Trip to Montreal

It’s been a long journey and I don’t just mean the 2 ½ day bus ride I endured, I mean I have worked hard and followed my heart I didn’t listen to anyone but myself, I did it, I left, I freed myself, unlocked my own shackles that I had originally put on myself…I freed myself from myself. I am dreaming, exploring and creating a new me. I for once am the traveler I have always wanted to be. I am seeing my country…oh my and its beautiful. You think Alberta is great you have to see Ontario…the trees, the water, the beauty. And to know God made it all for us, to know he added this to our already amazing country, makes me even prouder to say I am Canadian. You don’t really appreciate this country until you spend almost 3 days on a bus getting to know it. You also have a lot of time to think. If I don’t go to school its ok, because just doing this bus ride and moving to the east like I have always said I wanted to do, I just proved to myself, no one else but myself that I am strong…I can do this. Oh and the people I have met so great. Such an experience. A boy from Quebec City still in high school. A man from Germany just exploring Canada because he wanted to see it. A man from Ontario just going back home and he was very interested in peoples lives and where they came from. Each person has left something with me that has helped me grow on this trip. I started this trip alone and ended up with people in my heart. I am writing this in Ontario where I am approaching Thunder Bay where we have a layover I enjoy them because seeing a new city is exciting. All the bus terminals are different, I just wish there were showers in them haha that’s the hardest part about the trip and the fact that I have troubles sleeping but its ok I am over half way there. Its 9:30pm Monday 2 hours ahead of Alberta and I will be in Montreal Tuesday at 11:30pm.

Tuesday has been good to me, I slept ok and again scored two seats to myself. Met more people a girl from Halifax, a graphic designer from Sudbury and a guitarist from Ottawa, he is actually an interesting guy, plays in a band he looks like the gangster type and he loves children he had a belief that if you saw yourself somewhere your life will go there…he doesn’t play the part of that but he has the heart. A few short hours I will get to see Ottawa, then two hours after that I will be at my final destination Montreal, Quebec. This bus ride, this adventure has been the best experience of my life. Well its Tuesday 4:35pm, 7 hours left of this crazy trip, 7 hours left to a new chapter in my life. A new life, a new me.

Arrived in Montreal at 12:30am an hour later then I was supposed to with a cranky bus driver. But I was excited to be done the ride and Montreal is a beautiful city it feels like you aren’t even in Canada anymore. The apartments are right out of the movies…all pushed together with clothes hanging off the balconies and people sitting on them watching you go by. The crazy part about here is well its French…and I don’t speak French so I have troubles understanding what people want…sometimes just to feel at home I need to speak out loud to myself to hear some English haha…I have been very emotional since coming here…it’s the first time in my life I have been homesick…one day I didn’t leave the house I stayed home all day…but as I get out more and get to know the city I really enjoy it…its beautiful…lots of culture and scary things that I have never seen before…but it gets little ole sheltered me out of my shell.

It all started with a dream then turned into a bus ticket across Canada and ended in a reality….Nikki takes on Montreal.

Why do I work in childcare?

People always wonder why I work with children...haha and for awhile I did too. Cause kids can make you want to pull your hair out...they can make you go completly crazy and so worn down you feel like you could sleep for days....but I love working with them I love watchin them reach milestones...I love being there for them...but on friday I remembered why I work with children and why I am there...there is no better feeling the letting a sick baby sleep on your chest...when everytime you try to put it down it cries and once its in your arms its completly content and happy to be where it is...to feel needed and wanted is the most amazing feeling...and thats what I get when I work with children...I am there to teach them the world in some of the most important and teachable years...before they experiance school we are there preparing them...and watching them grow...its so amazing and I love it...so here is why I work with children...so they know someone gives a rip...so that they believe in themselves...so that they learn to dream...I want that for them...I want them to be successful in life...so they take on the world...after all they are the future...and investing in them...is worth it.

My heart breaks for the unknown

Take a minute and think about your life...your past...like back in even junoir high school...think hard and long...who were you?..what did you wear?..how did you act around people?..who did you want to become?

So did you think about? Ok I will wait a little longer.

When you thought about your past did you know you were goin to become the person you are today?..Did you know that you would ignore the problems of today?..Did you know that all you were goin to think about was your success or your own problems?...Did you know you were goin to ignore those around you calling out for help?

Ok now maybe some of you arent that person...maybe you do care about them...maybe you think about others all the time...maybe you want to change the world...and make it a better place.

When you were young a child...a teenager or whatever...did you know you would be where you are today?...I bet those people on the streets didnt think they would be on the streets...I bet those people that are homeless never thought they would be there...I wonder what was said to them or done to them in their past.

Do you ever sit and watch them...breaks my heart...signs of lonliness on their faces...sad...and unwanted...no where to go...I sit in the park downtown Calgary and just watch...how these people act with others or dont act...how these people look...what their habits are...and to be honest breaks my heart.

I am guilty of it to...thinking about my success and where I have gotten...but mainly I think about my success is because no one said I could do it...that could be me in that park but instead I made the choice not let labels and words destroy me. I made the choice to succeed against all odds...and I dont let people or other things stand in my way...obsticales are just opportunities.

Back to where I was goin...I have never seen this many homeless people...or any homeless person...yeah maybe some of them choose to be homeless but what about those you dont...those you are rejected by society, those you walk by and they dont ask you for spare change the quiet ones no one notices...the lady in the park with the shopping cart...I see her every weekend...she has her head lowered down and doesnt look at you in the eye...the other day was the first day I saw her with an apple...looked so fresh...and juicy...I wonder when the last time she ate was.

She looks old...but it could be the years spent on the streets...her shopping cart is full to the top...wrapped in garbage bags so you are unable to see her belongings...she is always bundled up never showing even the skin on her arms...she is interesting...and intriguing...and I want to know her...not just what I see...but actually know her.

I have spent a lot of time watching her from a distance and even close up without her noticing me...but now I want to show her that...she exists...not that I exist...but that she does...show her someone notices her and gives her attention...and wants to know her...not the surface her...but deep her...the her that has many stories...the her that has potential.

I dont like getting credit for a gift God has given me...I want Him to have the credit...people here in Calgary have been amazing and have told me I am great at my job and no one has ever said anything negative to me here...its like I am living in a dream...this cant be real life...it has to be a dream...there is no way someone like me can be truly happy...but I am and its weird at times still...I love my job and the people I am surrounded by...I love this city and this life...I dont want to be the hero or the great one...I dont even want to be good...I just want to be me...and I want people to see my Creator through me...let Him shine.

By the time I leave this city I will know that lady...I will know who she really is.

My success...and purpose

Being a dreamer in a doubting world is probably the hardest life to live...and some dont even dare go near that life...well I do...I have always been a dreamer...I have always believed I could do anything if I tried really hard...sometimes I get frustrated at myself...and wonder why I took the chance...and sometimes I see my success and get so proud of myself that I want the world to know.

I look at my life right now...and never in any life time thought I would be where I am today...I have probably the most amazing job anyone could have...I take care of children...in their early years where their minds are so moldable...where their innocence hasnt been takin away...where you are their hero...I love my job...it hasnt always been this way...I just about gave up on this career...untill I saw a place that made this job worth it...that showed me there are amazing caregivers out there...that showed me there are people out there just like me...who believe in these children and that truly believe they come first...it warms my heart to see this...and I have hope for their future.

Not only do I have an amazing job...I am back in the city where I was born...and loving it...I know that inside I have always been a big city girl but was stuck in a small city...I have always dreamed of walking down the street in a large city with the buildings so tall they almost reach the clouds...I am there...I am here.

Now the most amazing part of my life is where I am going next...totally out of my comfort zone...totally out of my social network...totally on my own...I am going somewhere high school teachers told me I would never end up...I am going to a place I never thought I was cut out for...I am going to University...and that is amazing to me...in a totally different city and province I will be packing up my life in less then two months and on a journey to an even bigger dream then I could have ever dreamed...because I am successful and I will succeed.

If you ask me I have already succeed in life...I have some pretty sweet people in my life that have helped me grow along the way...some have only been in my life for a season and some maybe only a day...but all have made an impact on me and all have created this wonderful mind...this dreamer...this world changer...and possibly someday Prime Minister of Canada.

My life isnt where I thought it would be...but my life is exactly where I want it...and I wouldnt want to change it for the world...so for those of you who read this and know me as a joker...a person who likes to laugh...be crazy and silly...there is a deeper me...that some do know...there is a deeper me that wants to see a better world...and is taking steps in making sure it happens...so for now being a dreamer in a doubting world is hard work...but someone has to do it...someone has to make sure the future is safe for your children and our childrens children and so on...that is my mission...that is my life.

I am tired of...

...thinking about you and me when there is no you and me
...supporting your dreams when you dont even notice
...putting aside what I wanna do just to be with you
...listening to your every word when you dont even hear me
...being there for you when you arent for me
...watching you but cant see me
...wishing on stars to be where you are
...not sleeping cause you are all I think about
...being invisible
...being just a friend
...agreeing with you just so you will see...

I am so into you...but all you can see is yourself...your dreams...and that perfect girl down the street

I am not...
...beautiful like her
...dont have a perfect body
...dont have exactly what you think is hot
...her

She hasnt told you...that you can do it...that you can dream...that you are everything to her...she doesnt even notice you...

now you know how I feel...going unnoticed...dreaming a dream that is not goin to come true

so this is me saying...I cant do it anymore...I cant dream of you...letting go of everything I hoped for and moving on...maybe now you will see I am so in love with you...maybe now you will see...me

Lonely Path

Act 1

The mood is set...the lights are dimmed...a girl is crouched down and folded over on the stage...she slowly stands up and says aloud to the air.

"Where oh where am I? Lost in my own mind...trying to figure out this place. All alone and heart broken...lookin for a familier face."

She starts to walk through the darkness...not knowing where she is going...looking around and seeing nothing but a lonely path.

"What is this? A path so lonely...shall I walk down this path?"

She stops to think for a bit then continues on down this lonely drak path...she stops what does she see...a vision of the love of her mother...when she was a child...playing with her and taking her for walks where they bonded.

"I remember those days I wasnt lonely I had my mommy"

She continues to walk...dark and lonely she is starting to feel cold but has nothing to keep her warm...she stops to remember her childhood days when her mom would give her a blanket to keep her warm...suddenly she felt the warmth.

"Mmmm I feel so warm again"...she says..."but I am kind of hungry."

Just then she pictures a bowl of soup and some sandwiches just the way her mom used to make them...she is no longer hungry anymore...so she keeps walking down this lonely path wondering if someday she will see a familier face...its getting darker and she is afraid of the dark.

"Awww but remember when mom put the night light in the hallway?" She says to herself...and is no longer afraid.

She lays down to rest as she is getting tired...and as she falls asleep she imagines her blankie is right beside her.


Stay tuned for the second Act

Update on my life

Ok people now is the time for a real update so that you are all on the same page. I have decided to stay in Calgary and call it my home. I will not be goin to the ranch this summer which was a super hard decison. I will be coming home one weekend to pack all my stuff at my mom's. And I dont actually know how many more times I will be in the Hat after that. As some of you know I have gotten accepted to Concordia University in Montreal. I already have a place to live and everything. So I will be leaving for Montreal the first week in august. I am super stoked for this move and am excited to explore a whole new place. I am loving living here in Calgary its so great. My job is amazing and I love and will be sad to leave it when the time comes. I do miss home a lot but sometimes feel as if it doesnt miss me. But its ok cause I am exploring a whole new life and am very excited as to where my life is goin....its finally happening its all coming together...and I just want to say thank you to those who believed in me and knew I could do this...I love you all and will keep everyone updated as my life progresses.

Create and dont be afraid

I am a dreamer and anyone who knows me knows this...I am accomplishing my dreams as we speak...but sometimes this walk is hard and lonely...and I know this is where I am supposed to be but for the first time in my life I stepped outside my comfort zone I didn't listen to where others wanted me...I did my own thing...lots of you are goin to say you always do your own thing that's who you are no I don't...I have always lived my life for others...and this time I didn't...I did what I wanted and I am dreaming...I am conquering...I am slaying giants...I am victorious...and I am doing this...ok this blog was supposed to be an update on my life so I will tell you.

I am happy here in Calgary I think I am a big city person at heart and feel on top of the world...I do miss home a lot tho...I miss my kitty...I haven't been this far from him before...I know that sounds lame but he is family too...everyday people are giving more and more reasons to enjoy this amazing city...just today I saw to amazing acts...I was hanging out in a Chapters(oh boy that's my favorite store) and I was reading this amazing book until I saw a man come up to the section where the bibles are with another man...the other man didn't look very clean...he was in work clothes...and the first man was well dressed and very clean....they were looking for a bible for the second man...he wanted a small one that fit in his pocket because then he could take it to work he said...and I couldn't help but listen and watch these two men bonding like men should...they couldn't find very small bibles so the man who wasn't clean said well maybe if I had a backpack...so the well dressed man said do you want one...I can get you one of those too...like honestly I don't know what happened before they entered the chapters I don't know what lead them there...but what I saw was a world changer...and not in the clean man...in the one who didn't look very clean...he was the one that acknowledged me....and as he left he said...have a good ma am...I was blown away...while he was in the store he said I need to come back here and get some books to research...the man that was well dressed did change this mans life but the man in the work clothes is goin to change many more lives...it was very cool to see....the next thing I did was go across to Dairy Queen and get somethin to eat...and when I was in there I saw a man buy another man some food that I don't even think they knew each other...but this man held onto the food like it was so precious and to him it probably was...two acts of world changers in an hour in a city so large that you could possibly see a million faces a day...in a city so large that poor are forgotten...these acts I saw today...is what we should be all about...now I know we are doing this in our churches...in our youth groups and my city is tryin to reach out as well...but why aren't the problems solved...whats one sandwich goin to do...why aren't we doing more...what is wrong with us.

Instead of the government caring about our debt free province they should be caring about the people in it...we look rich to other provinces...we look snobby to other provinces...Alberta wants to change Canada...well that isn't goin to work unless we fix our province...this province needs to care more about the people in it...and less about how much money we can get out of it...there needs to be a whole kind of new revolution in our government...and not one where it gets us more money or noticed more...one where adults and children don't have to live on the streets...I knew there was poverty but my eyes have been opened...my eyes have seen it here...I have seen it in my own city as well...but here its more visible...now why aren't we doing anything about this...I see houses that look like they are being held together with a couple of sticks...I see people digging through garbage's...I see sad eyes at the bus stops...I see children crying for help...what happened to caring about the people...no one should be left behind...we are ALL Albertans not just the rich.

Again I am sorry if you wanted an update on my big city life...but this is me this is my heart...and this is what I see...now God has me here for a reason...God is taking my across the country in a few months as well...and I am sure I will see more sadness and more pain...and it hurts me sooo much to see all this pain...and right now I have no money so I know what its like to wonder when the money is coming...you say you want change...then be that change...don't stand by and wait for the government to do something...and don't complain about them not doing anything because ultimately its you who decides...its you who has the power to create change...make me proud to say I am an Albertan...cause right now its hard to find reasons.

Stop judging

Ok screw it...I started out on this sweet blog about playing for keeps...then I had a thought...that changed what I want to say tonight...here I go.

I am a smart...world changing...deep women. Now for me thats a bold statement cause this is what most people see...a hyper, obnoxoius, loud, and distracted girl. I have a past that proves all of that...but I have a present that shows different...but people cant seem to get the past out of their heads and thats how they judge and look at me...the past is dead.

They wait and expect a stupid comment to come out of my mouth...then they make comments they think are funny which by the way are not...it hurts and cuts deep...people who are the closest to me...are the ones you cut the deepest.

I enjoy talking about world issues, and dreams others have...I enjoy gettin deep into peoples minds and hearts...I want to know them...not who they appear to be...when are people going to stop thinking I am that girl that makes them laugh...or says the stupid thing...or reads a picture book.

I say I read something and someone instantly has a remark what a childrens book...man I wish they knew how much that hurt...how the pain inside grows bigger...cause someone may have said that to me 5min earlier.

I am smart and I will change the world...and I am not that loud, obnoxoius, girl...I am a world changing, smart, women...and you will see it someday...stop judging people by their past and give them the stage for once...let them be noticed and real and you will change their world.

What are you willing to do?

As I sit here and think...think about my province about my country and most importantly about my dreams. I think are they big enough? When I am dream of change...what does that really mean? I did some research on the Internet...I googled a bunch of stuff and I looked on facebook. I wanted to see what Canadians are doing about important issues in our country...like the environment, poverty, education, jobs and all the problems we are facing. One thing I have grown to know is once someone says they are going overseas to do a missions trip...or they are going on a DTS people will hand over money to them to support their dream...but once someone says I want to start a street ministry in my own city...I am going to another province to do some missions...I am going to college or university to gain some knowledge to help out my country...the money does not come in...but those are those peoples dreams...not everyone is called overseas...now don't get me wrong I support all my friends in their dreams to go overseas and help out those countries...like for real I love that about them...I don't want this to be taking the wrong way. But what about those people who have a dream to see a better Canada...what about those people who are called to here...to their city...Canada needs a lot of help too. We have tons of poverty and other issues that need some assistance...some people say the government will take care of it so we don't have to...what the heck are they doing to take care of it? It isn't only up to them...yes we voted for them...yes we decided they were going to be in charge...but there are simple everyday things that we as the people can do in our everyday lives to change our country. Take recycling to the extreme in your city...you see a need? Someone who needs diapers for their child and cant get them...go buy them...we are too sheltered and have too many luxuries...even as I write this on my laptop watching my television in my warm house...I feel blessed...I don't even have a job but I have all this...I thank God for what I have. I think of all these tv shows I see...extreme home makeover...the big give and what not and think to myself...we don't need a tv show to do all of that...there are those resources in our own city...there are people that own companies that build houses that could build someone a house...like if it means you have to wait for a upgrade on your tv...or a bigger house for yourself then who cares...you have enough...our money hungry consuming world...sickens me...and I am not just pointing my finger at the world...but I am also pointing it at myself...I am at the point in my life where I would be happy without my tv...my movies...all my cds...and everything else I own...all I am trying to do with this blog is opening your eyes...to the problems in our own country and stop putting it on someone elses shoulders to fix...and support peoples dreams even if it means staying here in Canada and going to school...just change your thinking and you will change your world.

Dont forget to...DREAM

How did any idea start? Here let me answer that for you...with a dream. Lets take a look...someone said man my feet hurt...these animals are tired let think...how can we get around...then someone dreamnt up the car...a device that most people rely on these days. Other things that we use everyday were peoples dreams...indoor plumbing...refrigirators...computers...televisions...everything we use was someone's dream. Now most people who hang out with me know I am a big dreamer...I dream up many things but the point I am trying to get at in this is why dont we fullfill our dreams? Well thats simple...we are working out of fear...we dont think we can or its not possible...or what would people say. Well one of my biggest dreams the one I am workin on now is becoming a politician...do you know how many people tell me that I cant do that...or they laugh at me..even my close friends laugh at me when I tell them that...how do you think that makes me feel? Do you think I should back down cause I have little support...no...thats why its a dream because you can do it...you can do your dreams...they are put inside of you for a reason...a time and a place...and you need them to survive...someone needs you to dream so they can dream....someone needs your dream to happen so theirs can happen. As I sit here and write this I get lost in many dreams that I want to happen. My encouragement to you is to dream...and not only dream but dream BIG...because its your dream thats goin to change this world...its your dream thats make you happy...its your dream thats important...so dont...dont forget to dream.

Alberta...what happened?

Here is what I am frustrated about...is Albertans complain that this province isnt changing...that we need more change...and they arent happy...well wouldnt you think we would want to elect someone in to office that will make that change happen...well apparently not...apparently we are happy with the way things are...our province is just like a sewage plant...pretty on the outside but the same old shit on the inside...we can keep painting the plant and doing outer renovations but the same crap will always be on the inside...we make it look like we have it all together to the other provinces and brag about our debts being paid off...ohh yes we get the extra money from the government ohhh yes we make a lot of money...look at what we have.

Ok but for real people...I was talkin to a friend one day and she brought up a great point that I have been thinkin about a lot lately...she said Albertans are no better then Americans...we consume and consume we dont really care about the environment and have a lot of money...you know what I am starting to believe that...I thought about it...and what are we doing to make Canada better...what is Alberta to help out the little guys.

Ok some of you who are reading this are like oh she is jsut mad that the Liberals didnt win...you know what yes I am...and some of you Christians just jumped inside because you are like ohh the Liberals are for gay marriages thats wrong...yes its wrong but its also wrong for us to tell people how to live...thats God job not ours...well we are at it lets make drinking...and porn...and swearing illegal cause thats wrong in God's eyes as well...ohhh but wait alcohol makes a lot of money for the government I see...I see where the priorities are at...we have no right to play God...those people will get to heaven and have to be judged by Him then...for their actions...not by us.

Another thing that bugs me about voters is...this saying "well my grandparents voted this way...my parents voted this way...and I am goin to vote this way" ohhh my gosh....did it work for them...NO...so why..why do you think its goin to work now...you are the ones who said you wanted change...you are the ones...who said we need to do something...so my question is why...why didnt you do it...its a democracy after all we do have a say...if we keep doin the same action we are goin to get the same results.

I for one am sick of the conservatives being in and not doing anything...I for one am ready change...for a second I actually believed the rest of the province wanted change to...but after last nights results I saw that we are in a comfort zone that we are not ready to let go...a security blanket if you will.

I would like to take this time to apoligize to the rest of Canada for my provinces Alberta pride and cockiness...I would like to say sorry expecially to Sask becuase we have no right to make fun of you...we arent good enough for that...too much pride in this province...and I wont stand for it...we needed to vote differently so that the children of this province dont have to fix our mistakes...we werent thinking of them were we...when you put that X on that ballot you were only doing what you have always known...I believe people in the future will come to their senses..and you will see what your actions did.

Alberta...I am proud to be an Albertan...but I dont want people to complain about this province...you are the majority and the majority did not vote for change.

Grabs ahold of me

Someone once told me it was ok to write down everything I was feeling if its bad and angry...so I have picked that pen up again and started writing my thoughts down...my writing may not be in proper english or proper sentences or anything its just my thoughts...so read them if you like...

Dizzyness and confusion is how I feel
when my world gets turned around
sweaty palms, clenched fists
I see and feel the rage
wraps its cold hard arms around me
whispers in my ear...do it, punch them
I hold back my clenched fists
close my eyes and tell it to go away
the hold gets tighter and I almost explode
my heart is beating faster and my head is pounding
the world is spinning and I loose all control
I dont know how to stop, collapse to the ground, close my eyes and drift away

This is just a tiny bit of how I feel when I am angry its the only words I can put to the feeling its more intense then that tho...

Life like a musical

My life is like a musical...emotional and entertaining...now you can take that the way you want...you can mean it sucks or its great...by the way I love musicals so dont diss them...but the point I am tryin to get at is...here is me and my dreams...to be this person...who you ask...to be the one who listens to God and does what He wants...to be on fire to have life and passion...I want to change Canada...I want all these things...but sometimes it feels as of the world hates me...and the sad song starts playing...I fall to the ground and no matter what I do it doesnt please you...it tells me what I cant do...but I know inside of me thats not who I am...I dont let people walk on me...I dont...I am strong but I cant go on...how do you feel when you push me down...how do you feel when you win and I have nothing left...I hope it feels good...because you win for now...I am gettin my fight back and I will stand up.

Change our world...your way

The mess and confusion that is my thoughts…the swirling tornado of destruction in my mind…never know when its goin to stop or when its goin to explode…always wondering what my next step is…should I go right or left…should go back or forward…most of the time I stand still…and let you push me the way I need to go…most of the time I let my thoughts run wild…while you calm the seas…sometimes I am on my knees pleading…crying…and shouting out to you…I need you now…I need you to save me…I need you and you alone…no one else will do…so please take me where you need me…take me where my heart desires…and what it desires is…a better world…a better future…a memory…a revolution…a voice for the mute…I am begging please…take my life and make it yours…take my life and create change…after all you are the creator of the universe…take my life and make a difference…I am no longer my own mess….I am your creation to do what you will…to do the plans that you have for me…make a better future.

Refreshing

I had the most refreshing weekend of my life...its good to get away from civilization once and awhile...away from internet and cell phones and everything else that bogs us down. I went on the ENR staff retreat this weekend and it was incredable...I saw faces I havent seen in awhile and we laughed so hard and Pastor Landon spoke some words to us...now God just blessed me with the most refreshing weekend...and it wasnt neccassarily the words that Landon spoke but it was the moments in the forest on a three hour hike through the snow and almost peeing your pants because you are laughing so hard that changed my world and rocked it...the dance parties in the cabin in your pjs being a complete idoit but not caring because its freeing is what rocked and changed my world...its those moments that you never planned that you never thought would happen...its those moments that change your world...and those are the moments you need to treasure and remember forever...somethin I have realized in 2007 are friends always come and go...jobs are disposable...houses and cars and all material items are breakable...but life....life is attainable and needed and the most amzing thing you can have...some people take advantage of their life and party till they get sooo wasted they dont know what is goin on...some do extreme activities and really hurt themselves...and some lock themselves up in their rooms and ignore it...but that is not the life God has intended...and I am goin to start living my life...and no more doin what others want me to do...no more sitting here saying I am goin to do this and not do it...because life can be short we dont know how long we will be here.

So another note is I finished my dream list for 2008 for now and here it is:

1. Follow my heart
2. Rock the world/my city
3. Take a stand
4. Dont listen to the lies
5. Get my voice out there and heard
6. Stop being tossed among the waves

This is my dream list not resolutions but dreams that I want to fullfill in 2008 and keep fullfilling them in my future.

Where do I want to be?

I want to be in a place where...its not about me...where people are not selfish and greedy...where all they want is love...where a simple smile changes their world...I want to be in a place where all they want is my love...and possesions dont have them under its spell...I just want to be where people are satisfied with a hug...I want to be in a place that you can play...and laugh and smile and have all the fun in the world...and at the end of the day they dream of what they can do to change someones world...I want to be in a place where my dream infects others...and they begin to dream...I want to be in a world...that can dream.

2007...a year in review

Well its almost 4am and I am still up and the booze is out of my body...and I am thinkin about my year...was 2007 all I wanted and more...well the answer to that would be "hell no". At the beggining of the year I made better decisions of the year 2007 not resolutions...here were the decions and if they are in italics and bold I did it....

Better Decisions of 2007

No energy drinks
No more swearing
Eat three meals a day
No more alcohol
Start doing devotions
Care about me
Try and control my anger
Work harder
Stop making fun of others
Be a positive role model

Well I acomplished one I worked harder...yes all the others I sucked at...what did I learn this past year? How did it effect my 2008...oh man where to start I learned A LOT...and I have people in my life to thank for that...I am a dreamer and always have been...and well not many dreams were fullfilled this year...so for 2008 I am goin to make dream list...and try to accomplish somethin on that list...somethin huge I want to rock 2008 because 2007 wasnt that great of a year...I will write a better blog but for now peace out and Happy New Year.