Random trip to nowhere

I love those nights when you arent really doing anything and you are having the time of your life...we went out to the middle of nowhere tonight to watch a meteor shower that we barely saw...and it was the best time I had in a long time...it was so great...we laughed, joked and had great fun....a good refresher...thanx God for givin me this time...I enjoyed myself...somethin I havent done in a long time.

What the heck?

So it all started at the beggining of the year when Pastor Al said this is my year of firsts...and I wont have to do anything things will just have to come....well all of you who read this know I dont really plan I fly by the seat of my pants...well I dunno what happened but I have been trying to plan what I am goin to do in the fall...I quit my job and will be done on June 15th...then I am goin to the ranch for the summer...well my plan for september was to move away...I really didnt care where I just wanted to get away...well all that has changed...my life was planned and God had a different idea the entire time...I am applying for an internship at The Dreamcentre this fall and I am workin on a couple of other things as well...and its crazy thats the last thing I ever thought I would be doing.

I have had this really hard week that I just wanted to scream and perhaps end it all...but then today...today at church...I let go I gave it all to God...and I am free...well lets hope this attitude continues to happen cause I am sure people like the happy Nikki better...so lets see here this is the year of firsts...I am stepping into a new season of my life...I am stepping into somethin I never in any lifetime thought I would be doing...its truly amazing....oh yeah and I am movin back in with my mom...so we will see how this all works out...that is unless I can find somewhere I dont have to pay rent ha ha yeah ok...anyways God has changed my life and twisted it and turned it upside down...well here we go...stepping into somethin new...bring it on.

What would you do?

What would you do if you had one last day to live? Would you run to everyone you know and tell them how much you care? Tell them how much you love them…and show them that you cared all along…

Why wait till those last moments…why wait till they say you have one day left…you have one hour left…you have one minute left. You should be telling them all along…tell your family…tell your friends…and even your co workers and others…every one that comes into your life each day knows a piece of you. So instead of waiting till they say you are goin to die…tell them now that you care.

Everyone who reads this everyone who cares…everyone who I talk to…everyone that has crossed my path…forgive me of anything I have done to you or said to you.

And I truly care about all of you....and I appreciate every thing you all have done for me...it will always be remembered...and dont forget to tell the people in your life that you care.

If the world were dreamers and the people believers what would that be like?

If the world were believers and the people were dreamers what would that look like?

If you believed in our future and I believed in your past what could we accomplish?

If I wasnt scared of you nor you of me who would we affect?

If the world were dreamers and the people believers...life would cease to exist

Small hearts...broken hearts...lost hearts...lonely hearts...empty hearts...confused hearts...hearts with fear...doubting hearts...

I feel it all...for who...only God knows...why...only God knows...

I pray for them...cry for them...scream for them...fight for them...

...what do you do for them?

The snow you curse...

brings me peace and joy....it reminds me that all is goin to be fine and why??? Cause my Daddy has my back. I know that it inconviences some...I know that the cold that comes with you are done with...I know you just want to wear your flip flops and capris...but the snow means so much more then all that to me. When it snows I see Gods true beauty...I was watching the snow today and it landed on my coat where I could see each flake and the difference each one brings. Really its actually pretty amazing if you stop to think how much snow falls in this world and each one is different...really it is. Instead of cursing the snow just stop and look at it...stop and taste it...soak up the beauty and enjoy the peace it brings. And before you curse it...think about what it is doing for someone else...think about the joy they get out of it...they may have needed it that day...think about that.

Lost

Untouched the beautiful white snow....sparkles in the cool crisp air

I lay in the blank canvas to make my mark

Waving my arms and legs...to make the angel within

Closing my eyes as I lay there....lost in my own world

Dreaming of what was....the happiness the joy

Childhood games and innocence

I look into the sky as huge flakes are falling down

Diamonds falling from the sky...how rich am I

Gods most beautiful creation made all for me

A promise He once made...saying everthing is ok

I open my eyes and see dark skies

Looking all around I see brown and grey

I look within and all is dead

What I once had...what I onced carried has left me

And so have the words for this poem...

Inspiration has f

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The best place to be is...

in God's hands.

Church was amazing today a celebration...of what you ask...of five years of it being here ohh and its now debt free...we paid off the mortage...our church is prospering.

God has been speaking to me this past week...tellin me to fight...harder then I have ever fought before...cause its goin to be a battle...and it has been.

Today at church...I realized that I cannot give up...childrens lives are at stake and I need to fight for them...my Daddy is pushing me into my destiny.

Things are coming my way.

Save us, we pray, oh Lord. Oh Lord we pray, give, us success! Psalm 118:25

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

My dreams are coming...my life is prospering.

I am taking a step this year that I have never done before...this is my year of firsts...I am taking a huge step of faith...I am being attacked on all sides...and the enemy is not giving up...

but...I am a fighter...I am more then a conquer and I can do all things through Christ....I will succeed...no matter what the world says...no matter what gets thrown at me...I will make it...I am not a failure...this is life.

Fight

I stand here naked and ashamed
You have stripped me of who I am
Or at least who I thought I was
Ashamed of what I have become
Hiding so no one can see…the beast within
Falling to my knees I surrender…what do you need me to do
I come out of hiding…into the world
Naked and unashamed
You clothe me with newness
And peace…and righteousness
Raise my arms in surrender
You equip me with my sword
And you say fight little one...fight

Nicole
Andrews
23

Untitled

Face is hot...feels like its on fire...face is red I am sure...tears streaming down my face...staring into pictures...pictures of times when we were happy...joyful sounds would come from these pictures...you see happiness and peace and friendship...too bad its only in a picture...I look around and see anger...frusration...and dissapointment...failure and fakeness...tears streaming down my face as I sit here in failure and take it all on as my fault...I see everything crashing down and falling apart at my feet...and its my fault...walking on the rubble...stepping on your heart...as I continue on in life...onto the next group onto the next friend...tears streaming down my face as I am staring into pictures...pictures of adventures...life and fun...too bad its just a picture...and reality is no longer like that...its violence...hatred and mistake...my mistake...I know its my fault...dont worry the world tells me...how do I fix this...I do I get rid of this...this pain I hold inside...I thought I already fixed it...I thought you took it away Daddy...this pain wants to leave this pain wants to stay...its a fight within...killing me on the inside...making sure I am dead...no longer will I trust or get close...it hurts to much...face getting hot...tears streaming down my face...anger has set in...I want to scream...I want to yell...I want to fight...what the hell am I doing wrong?...why isnt it getting better...you think you know me...you dont know where I have been what I have seen...its easy for you to leave...leave then...but dont...cause all I need is for you to stay...tears streaming down my face...crying out for help...I am lost...I am stuck...I am confused...what did I do...and how did I get here...how can I fix it...and why am I in a lose lose situation...lying here...tears streaming down my face...walking this road alone...truly alone inside...Daddy you are my one and only.

Ahhh yes

So this morning I got up and got ready for work...after sleeping for 12hours yes you heard me correctly I went to bed at 6pm last night...I was very tired...then I got my shoes on and walked outside and what...what did I see? I saw beautiful white fluffy snow...ahhh it was breathtaking...this meant it was goin to be a great day...then I walked to work and then I looked out the window and hour later and was snowing some more huge white fluffly flakes that lightly covered the ground it was marvelous...ok now I know there were a lot of people who woke up and saw that white stuff and cursed it...but not me I got lost in it...then I got off work and to my surprise it was all gone...my lovely white stuff all gone...it was so sad...and the weather was in its pluses again...I love the warm weather but the snow was a great refreshment...hmm yes...so onto what I got out of it...well its like my life...I am goin on in this hard desert and trying so hard to fight and fight...then I get the white snow the refreshing the rest the beauty...its those breathtaking moments...ahhh yes...then it goes away and I fight some more and grow some more and then somethin comes along and lets me rest...I got a lot of sleep last night and then I got the snow....but as soon as that was all done I had to fight some more... I am tired of the fighting even tho I know its necessary...I just want to rest for a long period of time not a short time...I want to lay in my Daddy's arms and hear Him sing me a song...ahha yes it snowed today it was so beautiful...my Daddy sang to me today.

Poem from the depths of Nikki's mind

Running in circles trying to prove
Prove to you that I can do it I can make it and I will change it
You look at me with disappointment in your eyes
Everything I do is wrong…everything I do is a mess
I touch something with my hand and it falls apart
You are telling me how to live and how to act
I don’t want to be trapped in your box
You call this life yet you aren’t happy
You call this life yet you have nothing
I do not want this thing you call life
I have a different view a new perspective
I want to live...not die
I want to be free and prosperous…ouch a bad word well at least that’s what you think
You hear my dreams and thoughts and yet…
You don’t believe
I get up and you push me to the ground
You keep me down why…
Cause I have everything you long for
I have the life that you forgot about
I have the life you always wanted
So instead of being happy for me you tear me down
You push me to the ground…and walk on me
To you its only a dream…to me its reality
When are you going to be happy for me
You are sucking me dry not letting me breath
Feels like my throat is closing up and everything is getting dark
I don’t want to give into those lies
The ones you spoke over me
The ones about poverty and failure
Because that’s not who I am
I am better then that
And I am going to change the world
I pray you get the chance to see
To feel…and to taste
This life…the life you think is impossible
This life that is in your reach…all you need to do is...reach

Nicole

Andrews

23

A run...Gods creation...and inspiration

I went for a run tonight...yes I went for a run get over it sheesh...anyways I was running away...and for the first time ever I wasnt run from something...I was enjoying the night air and the breeze on my face...I grew up in this city so the roads and the streets are all familier and I grew up in this part of the city so it was great...but then I turned a corner...I was still running but realized that I have never been down this street before no never...this is weird I realized I was walking now and no longer running...I looked around and almost started panicking no I am not lost I know this city of the back of my hand...but could I be lost...you know when you go to a big mall and you took so many turns and you are so confused as to where you are...you decide to consult the big sign with the map of the mall on it that says "you are here" yeah I know I am here but where the heck is here...and you start freaking out cause all you want to do is get back to that store where you found those cute little shoes...well this is what I felt like I started thinkin in my head so I took this turn and that turn...so I started jogging again and all of a sudden whats that ohh that looks familier...and I start running and end up on a street I know...it was the weirdest thing I have never been down that street before.

So I went to swing on this swing behind my house and I got thinking...that is almost like our walks with God...we are happy to be where we are untill He puts us somewhere unfamlier...somwhere you have never been before and you reconize no one....then you all of a sudden stop running and start walking...and some go further and just plain old stop...but after that is over He will always bring us back to the familier so we never have to worry...its crazy what a night time run can do to you...being in nature in Gods creation gives me so much inspiration.

Different and Weird

Well this is my inside the mind of Nikki blog page right? And I normally do share what I am thinkin and stuff...but what I feel I cant explain...where I am at I dont know how to describe really...ok here I will try to tell you were I am at....my life this week is goin great mainly cause I am lettin those negative things people have to say to me slide right off...but in a cocky way....I have a cocky attitude that I have gained a very bad one....I actually think I am better then people and I dunno where it came from...I stand tall yes but not in a positive way...I stand tall so the people around me can see that I am better then them...ok now before you start saying things to me...I know this is not a good attitude to have...I know I am in the wrong this time...but its weird cause I dont care and not in a normal I dont care apathetic attitude its a different I dont care I cant explain it...so yeah I cant really explain where I am at cause its a weird place that I have never been before...one thing I do know is my health isnt doin so good...I believe since I am at the top of my game listenin to God and praying hard again that the enemy is attacking me in my health cause I am sick and I am usin drugs and praying and its not goin away...and things are gettin worse...I also know that from this point on I am empty and God is the only one workin now...I cant do nothin else I am empty...I am not givin up either I am way past that...and I am movin forward...and I do have new vision but I just am tired really...and this weekend isnt helpin it cause its been jam packed for me without any of my say in it...so yeah life is interesting...my life is interesting...and I cant explain to you how I feel...I cant explain to you where I am at...its just different and weird.

I'm Hot!

Enough said...want to see more go to my flickr account.

Fresh insight

Ahhh yes the melting snow...the sunny days...the birds chirping...the smell of spring...spring that is coming upon us...ahhh yes...wait...did you say melting snow ahhhh what am I to do...my beautiful snow is melting...ha ha no problem its ok...its a new season.

Now as I read all my friends blogs I see a pattern...all of their lives are changing and the season is changing ironic I think not...it totally is a new season it totally is time...time for new things to be born...new ideas...new buisnesses...new life...its time. As I sit here and think about my own life...I see new things to come...new dreams...new life...new attitudes...new experiances.

So as I sit here and look into things more I see victory...for those of who dont know my name Nicole meams victory of the people...and what I see in this new season of my life is more victories...its time for me to rise up...to become who I have been created to be. Now I know I have said this before and have gotten stirred up before...but not with the same revelation I have now...people think that the isolation I have been giving myself is a bad thing but that is not true...I have been looking into myself...seeing who this person is...looking at what I find important in life and hold close to my heart...I have been thinking about a lot lately and I have found out what I want in life...and have actually made goals I have never been such a goal orientated person but its time...about a month ago it was told to me in prayer that this is a year of firsts...things are goin to happen in my life that is a first...and I totally believe that and have already seen it...well friends this is my year...of firsts.

I am not going to share what my goals are because thats between me and God...how will you know if they happen...ohhh you will know you will see them...you will SEE them...this week I have learned a lot...I have learned how to function healthy on my own...without people...without the world...and just me and God...this week I thought the world walked out on me...I thought everything that I held dear to my heart came crashing down...ha ha but you know what it didnt...God was showing me what I need to do to be satisfied...what to do in Him and who to look at first my Daddy...I actually enjoy spending time with myself...and dont always need people to entertain me...I enjoy going to bed early and getting enough sleep for my work day...I enjoy my Daddy and all the time Him and I spend together...He is the only Father I have ever known and its great to know that He is there for me no matter what...even when the world walks out on me...and everything comes crashing down...so friends here is the thing...if I am a bit distant with you then dont fret because that means my problems are being taken care of by my Daddy...He has my back...people dont need to know everything about me.

So to end this blog I am going to say...its a new season...get ready...cause change is coming.

My weekend and life and you know

This weekend has been great more then anything I can imagine God is doin somethin...I am not sure what but I do know its goin to be big and great...this week was a hard week and this weekend was like a refresher for me...God gave me what I needed and that was to see faces that I loved and missed...people who I havent seen for a long time...and that I got close to...today at church was amazing I think...I kinda blanked out a couple of times...it was like a party...it was like victory after a battle...it was amazing but...I wouldnt let myself enjoy it...I wouldnt let myself get excited...I wouldnt let myself cry today...I just wouldnt let myself...why you ask I am not too sure why...I didnt fight hard enough...I didnt do all I could...I screwed up big this week at work and it was my fault...and I need to do better...I screwed up big this week in life as well...I screwed up friends...and I shouldnt have I needed to fight more and persevre and I didnt...this is still past addictions in my life as well that need to go away...there is failure that needs to go away...lately I feel like anything I touch no matter what it is I fail at it...no matter what it is I touch I fail...and I dont know how to fix it...this week everyone and everything has attacked me...and I dropped my shield....I have not yet picked up cause I cant carry it anymore...I am tired and week...I am tryin to carry things for friends that dont appreciate it...I am tryin to do things for friends who could care less...I am getting tired...the weird thing is I have been getting tons of sleep this weekend and not feeling any of it in the physical...my body is sore and tired feels like I got zero sleep...I am empty and tapped out and cannot give no more...I am done friends...I am done....if you are lookin for me I will be the one lying on the ground waving a white flag

Update on the life of Nikki

Some of you are probably wondeirn whats up...well I had a really hard week of work and thats all I am saying...umm then friday was an awesome day...felt God all over me all day long and then went to Vibe that night and had sooo much fun...then woke up early saturday morning to go to the trade show to help out at the ENR booth and had fun there to got to learn how to putt or somethin like that...somethin that had to do with golf...and then I was sellin a ticket and I looked up and my lovely friend Aryn was there I knew she was goin to be in town but thought we wouldnt have a chance to see each other and we did...I was so excited...God is all over me today and I am happy this is life...I am praying for a few things that I am not goin to share but I think its goin to happen soon...anyways I know this blog wasnt that exciting...so yeah I will write a more exciting one later.

Another poem by Nikki

I remember the times we spent together
All I want to do is reach out and touch you
To see your face and hear your laugh
To share your laughter and feel your pain
I remember the times we spent together
We may not have the same area code
We may not be able to see each other everyday
But the time will come when our paths meet again
The time will come when I can reach out and touch you
To hug you and laugh with you
We will share more memories together
Tell more stories, more jokes and more of life
I remember the times we spent together
We will share tears and be there for each other
As time goes on our paths go different places
But God will always bring them together
Weaving in and out like a snake through the grass
Our lives will meet again
Just like a lost dog always finds his way home
We will see each others faces
As the night turns dark and the day turns light
And just like the seasons change so do our lives
But I will always remember the times we spent together

Nicole Andrews
23

Distance

So you know what I am startin to hate...is distance...all my closest friends are so far away...all the people I want to see I cant cause they dont live in my city...distance is lame and I am really actually kind of tired of it...sometimes I just really start missing people so much...and all I want is to hang out with them...well I pray God brings us together sometime...and untill then I will have sweet memories...and internet chats...and well sometimes the phone.