Meh

I am not good enough to praise you...I am not worthy of all that you have done for me and yet you still continue to do things for me...At church today we learned about this is the year for success and I know that this is my year...God today told me to give Him all control during worship during this one song...and I still had troubles but maybe just maybe I should take Dawn's advice and start small maybe I will do that. Well this weekend was pretty cool we did a lot of stuff. On friday we had a party at Mel's and that was fun, cause I got to see her...umm Andrea stayed at my house the weekend and that was fun cause I had a cuddle partner I love cuddling...saturday Andrea and I went shopping and maybe I should tell you what happened at Wendy's...yeah she locked her keys in the car with the car still running ha ha I mean it wasnt funny. Ummm saturday night we went bowling and that was fun even tho I hate bowling...then we played a great game of spoons...ummm sunday we went to church then we went swimming and that was fun cause it got my mind off of things that I have been thinking about. Well even with all this fun and seeing friends I havent seen in awhile I still managed to be grumpy mostly on the inside cause I didnt want anyone to know or to ruin anyones fun. Umm I am tired of people not taking me serouis...I am a smart person and nobody thinks that...the funny thing is at church today they were talking about you are gonna make it and dont give up and stuff...and thats stuff thats been on my mind a lot...even tho I dont think I will ever go back I am at the point of no return right now...I dont want to go back to my old life cause it sucked...I was always in the bars and I was alwyas drunk and I hated life...I have something going for my right now and I want to pursue this life...I want to pursue my God...and I want Him to pursue me...I want this but...On the other hand I dont...I want to give up and go back to my old life...even tho it sucked i got to escape...I want to run...I want to get out...but I know its not an option...I dunno what to do right now...I believe that I am in a depressed state right now and thats hard for me to admit...I also think I may be bi-polar I know some of you think that those are lies from the devil but I dunno...we will see all I see is I am not worthy I am not worthy for someone so perfect...why would someone give His life for me I used to understand it but its soooo much deeper and I want to figure it out...I am not worthy enough to have the friends that I have...I am not worthy of this life...I am too the point right now where I dont want to get up in the morning and I just want to lay their forever...well I whined enough in my blog...have a great week all.