Always thinking

To be or not to be that is the question? Ha ha that has nothing to do with my blog I just wanted to write that. Anyways life is busy as usual and I spend my evenings thinking which for me could be a dangerous time. I think a lot about my life and about where I am going and what I want to acomplish in life. There are so many things that I want to do in life but sometimes I feel like there is no time. We work five out of the seven days there are in a week(well those of us that are lucky to have a monday-friday job) but my lifes goals dont include working that much. Dont get me wrong I love my job and I love what I do...like I have a career and I am only 22 some people dont get their careers till later on in life. Its amazing...I'm not even mad. Anyways I am the type of person who needs change and I am hoping not to be doing this job for the rest of my life. I want to travel(which I have never done in my life unless you count not leaving your province or going to the province which we dont speak of) and I know there is going to be opportunity to travel cause I am going to Ontario in January and to Europe in the future but that is only part of this world. I want to see Italy and China and believe it or not I want to travel the States. I also have this other dream that I have never told anyone but here it goes. You know how in school you read about these people who changed something for the better...like their names are in your test books. Well in college we read about all these people who changed childcare to the way we do it today. Well I have some interesting things in my head about doing childcare that are not yet heard of, not yet written about and I want to be that person to write about it and have my name in a text book. I want to be the person that changes they way people see childcare so that a few years down the road the name Nicole Andrews will be studied in college. Thats what I want to do. There are so many things that people arent doing in childcare that I see and want to change. God gave me these eyes that see things different then others and I want to use that for good. I want to do something about it and I will. Well thats one of my dreams and I know someday that dream will no longer be a dream but a reality. For now I am going to keep living my life and keep walking to see where God is going to take me.

Changes

So I dont normally make long term goals but lately I have. Some of you know them I am goin to work at my daycare for two years then open up a daycare here in the hat. But I think I changed my goals. I am gonna still work at the daycare for two years. Then I think I am gonna move away. I may move to Ontario if I find out I like it when I go up in Jan. In two years I am definitly going to do the Europe thing tho even if I have to go by myself I am doin it. Then I think I may settle down somewhere else. I need a change...I need newness if you know what I mean. I like change and well I love my city of Medicine Hat and I do have a heart for here I will never forget my roots. But there are things I also need to leave behind. I know some of you are thinking what happened to my Edmonton dream for the last three years I have been thinkin of movin to Edmonton but I am not sure I want to anymore. At one point in time I was thinkin of movin back to Calgary where I was born but I think Ontario all the way to the other side of Canada would be a good idea. I need out of Alberta. Well enough me rambling about moving. I dunno what else to say so talk to you all later.

Life

Life is going back to normal..school is over and work is back which I like better then school. Melissa is home and that makes me happy. Cause now I can call her and hang out with her...he he and cuddle her...shut up guys. Anyways life is great...I know this is a different attitude then the last blog but my spirits have been lifted and I am getting into a better mood. I get to see dawn soon and I am excited for that cause that means cuddle time :) and I love cuddles. Ummm what else to say my friend heather is comin down on the 20th from BC and that is cool cause I am excited to see her and for her to meet my friends. I havent seen her in ages. And then the weekend after that I get to see dawn again wow May is going to be a great month...makes me have something to look forward to. Well I should go to bed soon cause sleep is good. You guys have a great night.

Crazy

Its like 2am and I had this whole great blog planned out in my head and I just lost my train of thought...so I will write about what I am thinkin right now. Its crazy how you have everything figured out and you think you know whats gonna come next and bam things change and you are on a different path. Here is the picture and story for you...well I am finished college now right so I was supposed to get this amazing position at my work well that all changed today I still get a pretty good position but not the one I wanted. Here is the thing I was supposed to get put in the toddler room at my work but they want someone consistant in there and since I am goin to the ranch in the summer I will be leavin in June right..but there is this other position in the Kindergarten room that is untill the end of June so they said it prob would be best if I took that one so I said ok. This means I will not be makin as much money as I would be in the toddler room and its not my dream position. But then my boss said the most profound thing today that I never thought I would hear out of her mouth. She said that the ranch is a ministry and if I believe that I am called there then I need to go. She said that this decision could be a test to see if I am going to go for the money or for what God wants me to do. Now this is a women who doesnt follow yet she is tellin me these things and I thought wow...so I said yes I will take the kindergarten position and then I will go to the ranch and come back to work then get the position I want. So here is the picture I seen tho I am walking to the promised land to my dream and I can see it all I need to do is take one more step...I take that one more step and end up in a totally different world...I look up and see that the promised land just got further away but is still attainable...so I realized that there is more work to be done more walking then God is going to give me what He promised. At the beggining of the year God told me This is the Year He said this is the year for everything that you have been believing for will come to pass and He told me that before I knew that was the Dreamcentre's word as well so I truly believe that and I am going to keep going.

On another note there is other things going through my head. And that is the people God is bringing into my life and then taking them out. Some people I am able to only get to know a little bit then they leave...some people I am able to get to know well and then they leave...some stay and some go. God has given me incredable friends and each one I can tell different things to. I am very thankful for my friends and the ones that I am close to right now...will always have a place in my heart no matter how far we live from each other and no matter where our lives take us...they are my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ and without them this journey would be a lot harder then it is.

I am going through a lot of things right now but I know its for the good. I know God has these amazing plans for me...just sometimes its really hard to wait expecially when He has given you a glimpse of what is to come. It's also hard for me cause I struggle with my own thoughts in my head about being worthless and I know a few of you made sure in my last blog that I knew I wasnt alone...but sometimes its hard to believe that when trust keeps getting broken and its not your guys fault its things that I need to deal with in my own head. I get too close to people and push them away or I get too close to people and then I set myself up for disapointment cause in all reality there is no reason to trust humans. The wall I broke down with some people I am goin to build some of it back up so that they know less about me.

Wow this blog is a lot of rambling but this is whats in my head tonight. It's now 2:16am and I need sleep for the boring car ride to Moose Jaw tomorrow. And to all my friends dont worry about me cause I am fine.

Song Lyrics

Ok so you all know the song by Kelly Clarkson "Because of you"...well thats one of my fav songs right now. Its so fiting for my life and some of you may know why. I posted the lyrics at the end here so you can all read them. I am not gonna explain much right now but here they are:

Because Of YouI will not make the same mistakes that you did I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery I will not break, the way you did, you fell so hard Ive learned the hard way to never let it get that far (chorus) Because of you I never strayed to far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I dont get hurt Because of you I find it hard to find it hard to trust, not only me,but everyone around me, Because of you, I am afraid I lose my way, and its not too long before you point it out I cannot cry, because I know thats weakness in your eyes Im forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life My heart cant possibly break, when it wasnt even whole to start with (chorus) I watched you die, I heard you cry, every night in your sleep. I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else you just saw your pain. And now I cry in the middle of the night, doin the same damn thing (chorus, but slightly different) Because of you I never strayed to far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I dont get hurt Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything Because of you I dont know how to let anyone else in Because of you Im ashamed of my life, because its empty Because of you, I am afraid Because of you Because of you

Poem I wrote

She sits alone every night thinking how she is going to win this fight
These swirling thoughts in her head as the darkness closes in
She sits there in fear not saying a word
Trying to figure out ways to end it all
This life is not what she had expected
Not what she had planned
The thoughts that torment her everyday
The pain she feels inside
It’s getting too hard for her
She sits alone every night thinking how she is going to win this fight
The thoughts are like spinning tornados destroying everything in sight
She feels like the wolves stalk her at night
Waiting to devour her
Waiting to tear her down
She runs as far and fast as she can
She hides in the dark where no one can see her
The darkness devours her in the night
Alone she waits
She sits alone every night thinking how she is going to win this fight
She hides behind her smile in the day
So no one will see the fear within
Everyday she gets up and wears the same mask
She doesn’t like the real her
So she hides within a fake
Every night she cries her self to sleep thinking is she ever going to win this fight

Nicole
Andrews
22

Swirling thoughts

Well so much has happened in the last two days in my life. Yesterday being the worst day of my life to today being a really good day. Yesterday stuff happened which made me question the path I am one which I know is the right one. Even tho I know its the right path things always happen to try to get you off course but thats when you know its right. This fight we are in is a hard one but we will always be victorous if we have God. The funny thing is yesterday in Faithworks everything I had been dealing with was talked about. God is funny that way He likes us to go through something and then teaches us why later. I love it but hate it at the same time. This year in Faithworks its all been about becoming a great leader. Well you all know how I like to isolate myself when I get frustrated well at Faithworks last night we talked on a bit of that and how isolation isnt the best because you are not around people that could possibly help you. I am trying to hide from the ones that can harm me but in the process I am the one harming me cause I am also hiding from the good people. I got so much revelation last night that its hard to put it all in words. One statement that was said last night that got into my spirit was this "It's about today, where ever you are." Its saying that God is going to use you where you are at today, in your workplace in your school or in your church where ever you are today. The great thing about last night is that we talked about finding the potential in people and drawing it out of them. I can think of many of examples where people have done that in my life for me. And I thank them for that. Another great statement I heard was this "What if we never got to the winners circle but helped someone else get there." Are you willing to see someone else go into their destiny or are you all about yourself? Hmmm that is a great question eh? Cause really its not about us...but its about buildng God's Kingdom on earth...wow just think about that for a moment its so beautiful. I am excited to see what is going to happen.

Another topic I wanted to talk about in this blog is the movie V for Vendatta. I know this blog is getting long but I have now seen this movie twice and both times I am just amazed at how well this movies was put together and the lines that are said in it. This movie is so much deeper to me then it may be for other people. I see lessons about identity, about God, about government and about faith. I see people in this movie who are willing to die for the cause. No matter what the cause is...they are willing to do anything for it and they are sold on it. Some great lines are these "You have been wearing the mask for so long that you forget the person under it". I love that line...also "The people shouldnt be afraid of the government the government should be afraid of the people." This movie is so great on many levels. If you have not yet seen it go see it. I am not going to ruin the whole movie for those of you who have not yet seen it.

My mind is spinning with thoughts today. I have learned a lot in the past two days that are going to stay with me forever. I have learned that no matter how others see things I will always see them different and God gave me these eyes for a reason. I have learned that God has put me exactly where He wants me and I am going to continue this fight. The devil thinks that he is tripping me up but little does he know he has made me stronger.

One of my poems

This is a poem I wrote awhile ago and I wanted to put up here so here it is.

The world sleeps alone tonight
Not a sound for miles
People dreaming of what could be if…
Terrors in the night flying into their rooms
Angels fighting for their souls
The world walks alone today
With no one to listen to their cries
Terrors by day tormenting them
Angels protecting them
The world works alone
Doing their mundane jobs day after day
The enemy filling their heads with lies
God telling them He loves them
The world eats alone
Sitting at a table across from an empty chair
Silence in the air
God is waiting for them to talk
The world sleeps alone tonight
While God is filling their heads with dreams
He tells them He is there
The world wakes up together this morning

Nicole
Andrews
22

Random

Well first off I would like to say I hope I didnt loose any readers cause of my last blog. Now what I need to say in this blog...this may be a little random cause their are so many things on my mind. Ok have you ever wondered if we are right and following the right thing. Like their are so many beliefs out there and how do we know we are following the right one. Ok dont get me wrong I know the bible and I have heard God speak to me since day one but for real. Its jsut a xrazy thought and maybe I am thinkin it cause I have been researching other religions and cults lately and I have an addictive personality. But anyways my next thing I would like to say is I agree with the conservitives when it comes to not havin same sex marriges and other things but I dont agree with the abolishing of the child care thing that the liberals want in I agree that they should put more money into child care and it isnt because thats my career its cause children are our future. I love children and they are the ones that are goin to be running this country and we need to invest in them now. Another thing that I want to comment on is about church today I got some real revelation and it was amazin but it was bout lettin go and I am not sure I can do that yet...I know I wrote a blog about that before that I have let go of some things but I think I have grabbed ahold of them again.I just love the control I love the ball being in my court I think its because I have had what I have wanted for many years I grew up an only child and got what I wanted all the time and now I have that metality. Some of you remember when I was a hermit for that little while...well I wanna become that same hermit I have stuff I need to work through and I am havin people issues right now and I cant handle people. Certian people I can but for the most part people frustrate me. So I am gonna have some Nicole time and I know some of you think thats bad and it probably is but whatever I am doin it. Well see you all in awhile the only way you are able to talk to me is goin to be on the net.

Big Turk

This post is edited so there is new stuff. Well some of you are thinkin that this post is sick and you dont know why I did this well first off to bad its my blog and I can do whatever I want. I will explain why I did this...this is not going to be a regular occurance its just funny this time. Well I have this guy friend who thinks its physically impossible for girls to poop. So we thought it would be a good time for me to take a picture of my poo. I cant believe I am doin this but yes I am putting a pic of my poo on my blog. I really cant believe I am actually going through with this. I am sorry for all of you who had to endure this.

Update

I have not much to write about. My life is goin all right. Jelea's Birthday was yesterday and its also been one year since her and I have started hangin out. Also today is Miranda's Birthday there are a lot of birthdays this month. Its kinda like the september birthday's. Umm we have added a new friend to the crew and she is kick butt. She is so fun and she is from Ontario yep thats a ways away. I am tryin to get her to move into my house cause I think that would be fun. Laurell is movin into my house in a couple of weeks and thats sweet. When Miranda and Travis move out Jelea is movin into here and then I need to try and find a fourth eh Mary...ha ha. Anyways school is almost done and then on with my career in the childcare field. I am excited to go out to the ranch this summer to but right now I am concentrating on finishing school and payin bills. Well I am out.

Title goes here

Ok I am going to write a blog about hmmm lets see me. My name is Nicole Nadine Andrews. I am 22 years old...I was born on September 15th 1983 at 11:51pm in Calgary, Alberta. I grew up an only child my brother was born when I was 16 years old. My nicknames inlcude Nikki, Chipmunk(Chip), Fred, and Jumble. If you have any questions as to how I got those nicknames just ask. I like to rollerblade and bike ride. I love hockey but I cant skate very well. My favorite food...some of you are saying this out loud I know it is noodles and cheese. My favorite dessert is Cake...mmm cake I like cake. My favorite thing in the whole world to do is hang out with my friends and have a good conversation. God and my family mean a lot to me and the next thing under it would be my friends. I love the friends that I have now compared to back in the day. My friends now take time to ask how you are and to build you up. My friends in high school never did that they were always all about themselves. I know thats human nature but without friends in this world cheering you on you feel like you have nothing. I know God is always there for me and stuff. But you need human contact with your friends. If I didnt have the friends I have today cheering me on and telling me when to smarten up I dunno where I would be today. Everyday they are helping me and pushing me along and that makes me happy that I have someone around to do that. Everyday they are trying to understand me a little bit more. I love when a person takes time out of their schedule to listen to someone or just be there. I used to be that person for all my friends I used to be the one that they could call at all hours of the night to listen or give them a hug. I used to be the caretaker in my friendships...believe it or not I used to be the one telling my friends to smarten up. I used to be the one cheering them on and never getting cheered on myself. I used to give, give, and more give and never take. So now when a friend is so good to me I think I take too much and I am always sorry for that but this is the first time I have had friends take care of me and cheer me on. I am always wondering what people really think of me and my attitudes and how my personality is. I am always wondering if I am pushing people away and making them not like me. I dont like certian aspects of myself we all dont like certian things about oursevles. But the one thing that I hate the most is my hyper personality and how loud I can get. Not many people like that in me and they are always telling me to calm down but I cant you dont understand how it is to be me. When I get on one of my highs it seriously is hard to come down from out and then things get out of hand and I get out of control. I cant control when that happens and its hard to be around certian people cause I know that they hate that. There are a couple of people in the group of friends that I hang out with that I feel like I shouldnt cause all they do is cut me down and bring me to a smaller level than they are on. I cant handle that because all through school I was cut down and told that I was not good enough so I dont need now from my friends. I have a couple of good friends that build me up tho and I plan on keeping them as long as they dont get sick of me. There is a lot of things I need to fix in my life and that is my self esteem...I am sure people are getting sick of me talking about how much I suck but thats just whats in my head and someday it will change when I see me how God sees me. Well this blog turned out to be different from what I had planned and I am sorry I rambled that all just came out. I guess maybe it needed to come out.