Thursday, September 21, 2006
Spiritual Suicide
Well I have been thinkin a lot today and I was on my way to Wal-mart today spendin some alone time and God time...and I thought about my life and where I was in the summer and where I am today....well I am not where I should be because of yes you guessed it spiritual suicide...I keep goin up and come crashin down...I choose where I am and I know that...I dont know why I do these things to myself...I came home from the ranch and felt like I am out of place....I felt like I dont fit in with any one...even my closest friends...I am doing things I know for a fact that I shouldnt be doing...but I do them and commit spiritual suicide....I feel like I have grown a ton I have been a Christian for about 4 and a half years and I have grown fast...and this summer I have grown a ton more and I dont want to loose any of that and its not like I have its almost like I threw out what I learned and where I was to be with my friends and to be at their level instead of bringin them to mine...now here is the thing I get scared...scared of where I am goin with God and scared of the levels that I am on because it means I have to change and have to start walking....thats hard....I am growing up and becoming a spiritual warrior and a fighter and a conquer and I will fight this battle because its worth it...the thing is I need to put on my armor and start fighting with all my weapons and all the time instead of saying ohhh I will do it later...I have time...what if I dont?...hmm thats somethin to think about....I feel like my friends dont understand me and think that I have nothin to say about stuff and everytime I talk...I experiance this at c&c...people go ohhh no here she goes again...ok sure I have some energy and sure I am not payin attention all the time...but there is some good revelation that I have and there is some good wisdom I have...and if people sat down and listened to me for a bit they would see that I actually have smart things to say...I actually love and crave conversation....conversation that gets you thinkin...I crave discussion about God and about politics and all that stuff I crave intelligent conversations...I dont get that here....I need to find that...I need someone I can trust and tell all to...I need to be transparent...thats what I need...transparency
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6 comments:
change is not easy, and being transparent is not easy...i have HUGE trust issues. some people know why, some people don't. trust is hard, and that is why being transparent for me is so hard...change doesn't add much fun to the picture either sometimes.
wow nikki...my blog i'm writing right now is about sorta the same thing...i'll post it in a bit. But this whole week for me and even the time spent at home has been about becoming transparent and breaking down walls i've put up...letting people inside...letting people know dangerzone at her best and worst. I love you girl, and I would love to talk to you about life, God and reality...just being real with you is something i want. Lets challenge eachother to be that.
thoughtful conversation is the best conversation there is....i love when people say stuff that is so one way cause it gives so much room for discussion....but as has already been said...transparency is such a huge job to strive for but its such a rewarding thing..thats something that God has been continuing to work on my heart....its been a struggle cause i have had so much crap covering my "overhead" of life...that the image of Christ was blurred..but He has started to wipe away...but its not a plesent process..but ITS WORTH IT!!...go nikki!
wow.... wow! Nikki, i SEE the growth even in this blog! Huge things that are even being overcome just by you simply speaking them out! I KNOW you can do it.... i KNOW that you will do it! I believe in you girl! You have an incredible amount of revelation and i would personally love to hear more of it! Hang on, keep pressing in for good things! I love you!
Hey you. See, I decided I would check your blog because I officially never see you anymore. However, I'm coming on the 28th? I think? It's next Thursday anyways. I'll be there to get my braces tightened. Tell me your schedule and we'll pretty like it's nobody's business.
T-Y.
I swear I posted a comment on this... maybe I was going to but didn't..? Either way, I'm proud of you Nikki, I really am. Keep pushin', keep movin' cos you're on your way. It's really awesome to watch your walk!
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