Poem I wrote

She sits alone every night thinking how she is going to win this fight
These swirling thoughts in her head as the darkness closes in
She sits there in fear not saying a word
Trying to figure out ways to end it all
This life is not what she had expected
Not what she had planned
The thoughts that torment her everyday
The pain she feels inside
It’s getting too hard for her
She sits alone every night thinking how she is going to win this fight
The thoughts are like spinning tornados destroying everything in sight
She feels like the wolves stalk her at night
Waiting to devour her
Waiting to tear her down
She runs as far and fast as she can
She hides in the dark where no one can see her
The darkness devours her in the night
Alone she waits
She sits alone every night thinking how she is going to win this fight
She hides behind her smile in the day
So no one will see the fear within
Everyday she gets up and wears the same mask
She doesn’t like the real her
So she hides within a fake
Every night she cries her self to sleep thinking is she ever going to win this fight

Nicole
Andrews
22

Swirling thoughts

Well so much has happened in the last two days in my life. Yesterday being the worst day of my life to today being a really good day. Yesterday stuff happened which made me question the path I am one which I know is the right one. Even tho I know its the right path things always happen to try to get you off course but thats when you know its right. This fight we are in is a hard one but we will always be victorous if we have God. The funny thing is yesterday in Faithworks everything I had been dealing with was talked about. God is funny that way He likes us to go through something and then teaches us why later. I love it but hate it at the same time. This year in Faithworks its all been about becoming a great leader. Well you all know how I like to isolate myself when I get frustrated well at Faithworks last night we talked on a bit of that and how isolation isnt the best because you are not around people that could possibly help you. I am trying to hide from the ones that can harm me but in the process I am the one harming me cause I am also hiding from the good people. I got so much revelation last night that its hard to put it all in words. One statement that was said last night that got into my spirit was this "It's about today, where ever you are." Its saying that God is going to use you where you are at today, in your workplace in your school or in your church where ever you are today. The great thing about last night is that we talked about finding the potential in people and drawing it out of them. I can think of many of examples where people have done that in my life for me. And I thank them for that. Another great statement I heard was this "What if we never got to the winners circle but helped someone else get there." Are you willing to see someone else go into their destiny or are you all about yourself? Hmmm that is a great question eh? Cause really its not about us...but its about buildng God's Kingdom on earth...wow just think about that for a moment its so beautiful. I am excited to see what is going to happen.

Another topic I wanted to talk about in this blog is the movie V for Vendatta. I know this blog is getting long but I have now seen this movie twice and both times I am just amazed at how well this movies was put together and the lines that are said in it. This movie is so much deeper to me then it may be for other people. I see lessons about identity, about God, about government and about faith. I see people in this movie who are willing to die for the cause. No matter what the cause is...they are willing to do anything for it and they are sold on it. Some great lines are these "You have been wearing the mask for so long that you forget the person under it". I love that line...also "The people shouldnt be afraid of the government the government should be afraid of the people." This movie is so great on many levels. If you have not yet seen it go see it. I am not going to ruin the whole movie for those of you who have not yet seen it.

My mind is spinning with thoughts today. I have learned a lot in the past two days that are going to stay with me forever. I have learned that no matter how others see things I will always see them different and God gave me these eyes for a reason. I have learned that God has put me exactly where He wants me and I am going to continue this fight. The devil thinks that he is tripping me up but little does he know he has made me stronger.

One of my poems

This is a poem I wrote awhile ago and I wanted to put up here so here it is.

The world sleeps alone tonight
Not a sound for miles
People dreaming of what could be if…
Terrors in the night flying into their rooms
Angels fighting for their souls
The world walks alone today
With no one to listen to their cries
Terrors by day tormenting them
Angels protecting them
The world works alone
Doing their mundane jobs day after day
The enemy filling their heads with lies
God telling them He loves them
The world eats alone
Sitting at a table across from an empty chair
Silence in the air
God is waiting for them to talk
The world sleeps alone tonight
While God is filling their heads with dreams
He tells them He is there
The world wakes up together this morning

Nicole
Andrews
22

Random

Well first off I would like to say I hope I didnt loose any readers cause of my last blog. Now what I need to say in this blog...this may be a little random cause their are so many things on my mind. Ok have you ever wondered if we are right and following the right thing. Like their are so many beliefs out there and how do we know we are following the right one. Ok dont get me wrong I know the bible and I have heard God speak to me since day one but for real. Its jsut a xrazy thought and maybe I am thinkin it cause I have been researching other religions and cults lately and I have an addictive personality. But anyways my next thing I would like to say is I agree with the conservitives when it comes to not havin same sex marriges and other things but I dont agree with the abolishing of the child care thing that the liberals want in I agree that they should put more money into child care and it isnt because thats my career its cause children are our future. I love children and they are the ones that are goin to be running this country and we need to invest in them now. Another thing that I want to comment on is about church today I got some real revelation and it was amazin but it was bout lettin go and I am not sure I can do that yet...I know I wrote a blog about that before that I have let go of some things but I think I have grabbed ahold of them again.I just love the control I love the ball being in my court I think its because I have had what I have wanted for many years I grew up an only child and got what I wanted all the time and now I have that metality. Some of you remember when I was a hermit for that little while...well I wanna become that same hermit I have stuff I need to work through and I am havin people issues right now and I cant handle people. Certian people I can but for the most part people frustrate me. So I am gonna have some Nicole time and I know some of you think thats bad and it probably is but whatever I am doin it. Well see you all in awhile the only way you are able to talk to me is goin to be on the net.

Big Turk

This post is edited so there is new stuff. Well some of you are thinkin that this post is sick and you dont know why I did this well first off to bad its my blog and I can do whatever I want. I will explain why I did this...this is not going to be a regular occurance its just funny this time. Well I have this guy friend who thinks its physically impossible for girls to poop. So we thought it would be a good time for me to take a picture of my poo. I cant believe I am doin this but yes I am putting a pic of my poo on my blog. I really cant believe I am actually going through with this. I am sorry for all of you who had to endure this.

Update

I have not much to write about. My life is goin all right. Jelea's Birthday was yesterday and its also been one year since her and I have started hangin out. Also today is Miranda's Birthday there are a lot of birthdays this month. Its kinda like the september birthday's. Umm we have added a new friend to the crew and she is kick butt. She is so fun and she is from Ontario yep thats a ways away. I am tryin to get her to move into my house cause I think that would be fun. Laurell is movin into my house in a couple of weeks and thats sweet. When Miranda and Travis move out Jelea is movin into here and then I need to try and find a fourth eh Mary...ha ha. Anyways school is almost done and then on with my career in the childcare field. I am excited to go out to the ranch this summer to but right now I am concentrating on finishing school and payin bills. Well I am out.

Title goes here

Ok I am going to write a blog about hmmm lets see me. My name is Nicole Nadine Andrews. I am 22 years old...I was born on September 15th 1983 at 11:51pm in Calgary, Alberta. I grew up an only child my brother was born when I was 16 years old. My nicknames inlcude Nikki, Chipmunk(Chip), Fred, and Jumble. If you have any questions as to how I got those nicknames just ask. I like to rollerblade and bike ride. I love hockey but I cant skate very well. My favorite food...some of you are saying this out loud I know it is noodles and cheese. My favorite dessert is Cake...mmm cake I like cake. My favorite thing in the whole world to do is hang out with my friends and have a good conversation. God and my family mean a lot to me and the next thing under it would be my friends. I love the friends that I have now compared to back in the day. My friends now take time to ask how you are and to build you up. My friends in high school never did that they were always all about themselves. I know thats human nature but without friends in this world cheering you on you feel like you have nothing. I know God is always there for me and stuff. But you need human contact with your friends. If I didnt have the friends I have today cheering me on and telling me when to smarten up I dunno where I would be today. Everyday they are helping me and pushing me along and that makes me happy that I have someone around to do that. Everyday they are trying to understand me a little bit more. I love when a person takes time out of their schedule to listen to someone or just be there. I used to be that person for all my friends I used to be the one that they could call at all hours of the night to listen or give them a hug. I used to be the caretaker in my friendships...believe it or not I used to be the one telling my friends to smarten up. I used to be the one cheering them on and never getting cheered on myself. I used to give, give, and more give and never take. So now when a friend is so good to me I think I take too much and I am always sorry for that but this is the first time I have had friends take care of me and cheer me on. I am always wondering what people really think of me and my attitudes and how my personality is. I am always wondering if I am pushing people away and making them not like me. I dont like certian aspects of myself we all dont like certian things about oursevles. But the one thing that I hate the most is my hyper personality and how loud I can get. Not many people like that in me and they are always telling me to calm down but I cant you dont understand how it is to be me. When I get on one of my highs it seriously is hard to come down from out and then things get out of hand and I get out of control. I cant control when that happens and its hard to be around certian people cause I know that they hate that. There are a couple of people in the group of friends that I hang out with that I feel like I shouldnt cause all they do is cut me down and bring me to a smaller level than they are on. I cant handle that because all through school I was cut down and told that I was not good enough so I dont need now from my friends. I have a couple of good friends that build me up tho and I plan on keeping them as long as they dont get sick of me. There is a lot of things I need to fix in my life and that is my self esteem...I am sure people are getting sick of me talking about how much I suck but thats just whats in my head and someday it will change when I see me how God sees me. Well this blog turned out to be different from what I had planned and I am sorry I rambled that all just came out. I guess maybe it needed to come out.

Control

I have been holding on to this too long
My hand is starting to hurt from it
I want to give it up to you
I want to be free of this
This is my life, so it should be my choice
I slowly reach my hand up to you
And I say “take it”
God take this control
My life is yours
And all that is in it
You have the control now
My hand has the indent of where I held on so tight
The mark of the keys to my life

This is just a little blurb I wrote tonight. One of the main things I have been struggling with is giving God control. I want all control so I know whats going to happen next and so things go my way. That is a little bit of the only child coming out in me ha ha. Anyways tonight I am saying God take control its not me that should be in charge I am screwing up every minute...its you that needs to take my life and do with it as you please. It's in better hands now. I just want to be where you are Daddy. Thats the cry of my heart. Thats what I long for. Thats what I crave. This is a huge step for me cause some of my friends know how much control means to me. So here I go on my own adventure.

God is Good

There is so much I wanted to say lets hope I remember it. Today at church I was in worship and I love worship but lately I havent been able to get into worship. Today was amazing tho and it was breakthrough. I have come up with that I am completly satisfied with being single right now. I am ok with not knowing who I am going to marry and all I want to do right now is get closer to God. Today I felt the love that I first felt when he saved me from where I was at the beggining of my Christian walk. I felt my Daddy in Heaven come down and give me the greatest hug ever. And all I want to do now is get close to Him...I crave Him...I hunger for Him. I am so excited to see what He is going to do in my life. Today I had this moment with God that I have had once before and I love it I crave it I need it. I am just on fire again. This is different then I have ever felt, this week is going to be different. I feel like I stepped up to a new level. I feel like things are refreshed. This depression I feel...I feel like it has been liften off my shoulders, just think I have been dealing with that all my life and today I feel like the chains are off. I can actually move and I feel like I can do anything. I am jsut so excited to see what is to come. God is so amazing. I feel the love of the Father, I am excited to be alive for once. I am excited to see my friends dreams come true. The evangilist in me is back in action and wants to work again. Tomorrow when I wake up things are going to be different things are going to be great. I have been waking up in a good mood these last few days and I knew something big was going to happen and it did. I am FREE.

I need HELP(not that kind of help)

Ok I know I have blogged jsut recently but I have a problem and I need to tell someone. This is a huge problem and its taking over my life. I am pretty sure that it is the main reason why I cant sleep at night. And therefore the reason I am sick all the time. I dont know what to do about the problem and I am having troubles talking about it. Its pretty much takin over my thought life. Ok here it goes....I am addicted to blogging and blogging comments. All I think about all day is if someone commented on my blog or if someone replied to a comment I left on someone else's blog. I crave the blogs and I cant get off them. I get up in the morning and the first thing I do is check my blog and my friends blogs. When is the madness going to stop. I know you are proabably laughing right now but this is a serous problem. It's as serouis as Josh's obesity problem. I get so excited when there are more comments then the last time I checked like five minutes ago. And the sad thing is I think my friends are falling for the blogging world soon they also will be trapped and under its death grip. I dunno how to get out...I guess I will be blogging forever. Well I am out all pray for me.

About nothing really

Ok so I wanted to write a new blog cause I like writing blogs but I didnt know what to write about so I am going to write whatever I am thinking about at the moment...this could be scary. So I didnt go to practicum today cause I am sick again. But yeah whatever mmm I am eatin ichiban its sooo good. So its really nice outside again like I wore shorts yesterday its so nice and today I think I may wear shorts again or not. Hmmm so we are going to Gerv's birthday tonight and you know what that means.....there could be cake. Mmmmm cake I really like cake. You know what I like about cake so much I like how moist cake is and the icing and just how yummy it is. So there are three more weeks left of pracitcum and then I am done school man I am sooooo excited cause I really dont like school its not fun to me. I am watching tv while writing this blog so I keep getting distracted. Hey guess what tomorrow is saturday that means its sleep in day. I need to do the dishes, but I am just going to leave them till later yeah thats a good idea. Mmmm I am still hungry. Welll I dont want to type anymore so I am going now I am out.

The lost, empty and brokenhearted

There are so many people in this world that are empty and alone. They fill their pain with drugs and alcohol. There are some many people walking the halls of schools like zombies and you look into their eyes and see the pain, the pain that they carry. Everyone has a story of who they are today and why they feel so lost. If someone doesnt believe in God...what do they believe in? If someone doesnt believe that there is a higher calling on their life and that they are here for a reason...then what are they living for? If someone's identity isnt in Christ Jesus...then who are they? The pain that they feel, I feel. The hurt and sadness they carry, I carry. It breaks my heart to see this in my own city, in my own province, and in my own country. Where is the love in Canada? People fill their lives with the love of money and possesions. Think about the word possesion....can also mean possesed, hmmm yeah people are possesed over their possesions, they dont feel or see love in people so they have these items in their life to try and fill the void but yet they are still empty. In countries where there is no money there are happy children. You know why cause all they have to live off of is love...they have no possesions to fill the void, they have love and thats what you need. Yes there is disease and death in those countries but at least they know that someone loved them. It isnt hard to tell someone that you care, whether its an encouraging note or coffee or just a smile. This blog may mean nothing to you...but my heart is where the lost are and I can feel how they feel...I know that you say then why arent you doing something about it...I am, I am lliving my normal day and loving the people who need it. I take the time to listen to someone when they need to talk. I take the time to bend down and tell a child that I care jsut by listening to them. I take the time to listen to a teenager about the boy they like or what is going on at home. I take the time to tell my friends that I care about them. I am not perfect, no body can be...but I take the time. This is something that was on my mind today so I needed to write it out and tell someone. You may be the only Jesus that someones sees so portray Him right. This blog sounded better in my head then it does on here but the words just dont come out the way I want them to.

Blog yeah thats a good title

Well I decided to write a real blog now and not continue the wars on the blogs. Even tho its great fun and I had fun but time to write.Well I dunno actually what to write maybe I should put a poem up on here. Since there were some requests for it.

I feel like the world is against me
I feel like this is the worst day of my life
The world is crashing around me
Then my Daddy picks me up in His arms
I feel like I am never going to make it
I feel like I am useless
I want to see above my circumstance
Then my Daddy puts me on His shoulders
I feel unloved
I feel like there is nobody to talk to
I just wanna run
Then my Daddy snuggles me and never lets go
I cry and I laugh with Him
I talk and play with Him
He is my world
He is everything to me
He is all I need
I love Him
Nicole Andrews 22

Its not the best piece of work I have ever made but I like it. For those of you who may not know I have never ever met my real father so God is the only Father I know and I like it that way. Its been a hard and long road getting to know my Father God but its amazing in the process. Well thats all I have to say right now. I am out.

Refreshing

Well tonight was faithworks but it wasnt no ordinary faithworks. We had guest speakers tonight so both classes were together and the service was opened to all others as well. Now as we all know I have been going through some troubles these last few weeks...some would say I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Funny story tonight's service was about becoming an overcomer...now I have sat through "overcomer" services before...but this time was different. So tonight the pastor said that its your attitude will determine how far you go with God and in life....now think about that for a moment...my attitude has stunk in the past couple of weeks. My attitude stands in my way....hmmmm yeah I get it....There were a few keys that he went over to become an overcomer...the first one was Consider the Opportunities...that means when you see a challenge look at the opputunities not the problems...the second one was take confidence in God..hmmm that is hard at times but what the pastor said is that God will carry me on His shoulders to His promised land...He is going to pick me up and carry me to my destiny...the last key was wait for it....Correct self image....ouch....which means you will never be an overcomer untill you see yourself as one...hmmm yeah I get it...Tonight was amazing for me I felt like I was in the only one in the room and that he was speaking to me...this is what I needed to hear and get revelation on tonight....Ok now wait for it this is the most powerful part of it...the pastor got us to stand up and think of something we are going through and to tell it that we will overcome it...well I thought of two things and they were my financial troubles and depression and I said I will overcome it....and I believe it...I may have sweat through the eyeballs a bit.....tonight I got true revelation that God really does love me and that He cares about me and no problem is too big for Him to handle...I AM A MIGHTY WOMEN OF GOD....yeah I am...you heard...and I know there have been people praying for this very moment and thank you guys for not giving up...I am sorry that this blog is kinda long and a bit of a teaching but its something that I needed to get out...I wrote a poem about this but I am not going to put it up here yet....well I am out have a great week...ohh and Dawn guess what....I care about me and am starting to like myself.

Meh

I am not good enough to praise you...I am not worthy of all that you have done for me and yet you still continue to do things for me...At church today we learned about this is the year for success and I know that this is my year...God today told me to give Him all control during worship during this one song...and I still had troubles but maybe just maybe I should take Dawn's advice and start small maybe I will do that. Well this weekend was pretty cool we did a lot of stuff. On friday we had a party at Mel's and that was fun, cause I got to see her...umm Andrea stayed at my house the weekend and that was fun cause I had a cuddle partner I love cuddling...saturday Andrea and I went shopping and maybe I should tell you what happened at Wendy's...yeah she locked her keys in the car with the car still running ha ha I mean it wasnt funny. Ummm saturday night we went bowling and that was fun even tho I hate bowling...then we played a great game of spoons...ummm sunday we went to church then we went swimming and that was fun cause it got my mind off of things that I have been thinking about. Well even with all this fun and seeing friends I havent seen in awhile I still managed to be grumpy mostly on the inside cause I didnt want anyone to know or to ruin anyones fun. Umm I am tired of people not taking me serouis...I am a smart person and nobody thinks that...the funny thing is at church today they were talking about you are gonna make it and dont give up and stuff...and thats stuff thats been on my mind a lot...even tho I dont think I will ever go back I am at the point of no return right now...I dont want to go back to my old life cause it sucked...I was always in the bars and I was alwyas drunk and I hated life...I have something going for my right now and I want to pursue this life...I want to pursue my God...and I want Him to pursue me...I want this but...On the other hand I dont...I want to give up and go back to my old life...even tho it sucked i got to escape...I want to run...I want to get out...but I know its not an option...I dunno what to do right now...I believe that I am in a depressed state right now and thats hard for me to admit...I also think I may be bi-polar I know some of you think that those are lies from the devil but I dunno...we will see all I see is I am not worthy I am not worthy for someone so perfect...why would someone give His life for me I used to understand it but its soooo much deeper and I want to figure it out...I am not worthy enough to have the friends that I have...I am not worthy of this life...I am too the point right now where I dont want to get up in the morning and I just want to lay their forever...well I whined enough in my blog...have a great week all.

thoughts in my head

Running my own life is the way I like it...crawling on the ground looking for a safe place...no where looks safe at this point...wanting to keep the ball in my court...afraid what will happen if I give up all control...wearing chains and not wanting to give them up...trapped in my own trap...my mind tells me I am not good enough and to just give up...this isnt the life I imagined...this is isnt my dreams coming true...will it ever happen for me...will I get out of this trap...I made my bed and now I have to lie in it...crawiling on the ground looking for a safe place...cant do this on my own anymore...but I still want control...its my life isnt it...its my world...I can do it on my own...the control belongs to me...not ready to give it up...gonna keep it for awhile...lost and losing control...cant find my way home...

Have you ever?

Have you ever felt meh for no reason? Have you ever just not cared for no reason? I have had a pretty incredible week but today I feel meh. I had a cool night at sattilite but yet I feel meh. I dunno how to shake this and I dont know where it is comin from. There is so much in my life that is gettin me down and I feel like if I run away it will be all gone. Maybe to another city or another country. I dunno what to do. You know what I hate...I hate my thoughts...I hate thinking. If I am ever left to sit here and think on my own its dangerous cause my thoughts go and I cant catch up and they places I dont want them to go. I know take your thoughts captive is what people would say. You know what else I am starting to hate the Christian answer. If you have a problem someone will give you the Christian answer how about be real yeah that would be great. My mind is not all here tonight and I am kinda grumpy and I just dont care right now. My mind is where it was at the beggining of the year and some of you know where that was. I hate it but at the same time I love it. I love fear and I love just being meh. I dunno why its just something that I have grown accustomed to. Yeah well I jsut wanted to say what was on my mind night all.

God provides

Well God does provide and boy do I have a story for you. Well its tax season the season everyone hates. Well my mom was lookin over my taxes and she came back to my house and told me that I was gonna get $866 back. Now for those of you who dont know I havent paid rent yet this month and a few of my bills are overdue. I have been asking God to help me take care of it. Well my mom took to this place were they finish your taxes and give you the money the next day. I got home and just thanked God...because He does provide.....He told me not to worry and I gave it up to Him and He came through. I am sooo excited. This is the year! I have been saying that all along and I am really stepping into it. I have nothing to worry about because God is on my side. My mom even reconized that God was the one who provided this for me and that is another miracle. I am sooo thankful to have God in my life. I am also tahnkful for the amazing supportive friends God has thrown my way. You guys rock.....and thank you for being there. I am sooo excited that I dont have to worry about my finances and that God I know He is there for me. This is also going to be another amazing weekend...Melissa is home for the week and Andrea is stayin at my house for the weekend and I have had amazing weekends after amazing weekends its incredible. Well thats all I have to say so talk to you all later.

This is the YEAR!

Well last night was incredible....I had an awesome at this thing in brooks. It was a worship thing for young adults I do believe...and some of our worship team was there and it was amazing. God was speaking to me like crazy and you could tell that everyone in the room was totally getting rocked by God. There was some confirmation on dreams of mine for me last night and I am sooo excited for my dreams to come to pass. I 100% beliece that this is the year. Like for real this is the year. It is sunday today and I woke up in an ok mood its great when that happens. I like waking up in a good mood. Does'nt happen very often so I get excited when it does. There is so many things that are happening this year that already show me this is the year. I dunno what else God has instore for this year but I know it will be great...ohh yeah and I am going to the ranch this summer woohoo. Well I am out talk to you all later.

My last two days

Ok so I know my last two blogs were like all happy and things are going great. Well the last two days have been horrible for me. Not the whole day just parts of them. Thursday was ok at work I had an awesome time and then I went to c&c and I hate theme nights but it was ok...it was a mexian fiesta night by the way. Anyways then I get home and I am sitting here thinking and I was getting very angry as minutes where going by...my problem is I can get angry at the drop of a hat....it takes seconds. Angry pretty much controls my life and I hate it. Umm Friday was ok some people from edmoton are stayin at my house cause we all had a wedding to go to...so we went for breakfast in the morning and I got to hang out with them...then we went to the wedding...I love weddings by the way. They are so amazing but then again I think all women love weddings. Except when there is n0thing else to do I get thinking and for me thinking is dangerous. I should not be aloud to be by myself and think nope no way. Sometimes weddings make me sad and its not cause I want to get married right now...althougth that would be great. Its other reasons and so tonight I have been in a bad mood...and the littlest things set me off and it sucks. I hate being in a bad mood. I hate getting angry I just dunno what to do. I dunno this week has been amazing and I am a changed person but my high is comin down and I need to keep it up. I just when I get angry cant anymore and I snap. Well its getting late its after 2am I should maybe think about going to sleep. We are going to brooks tomorrow and I think that will be fun...we get to see Andrea and thats going to be exciting. Well I am out.