Debatable or is it?

Ok well reading one of my bestest friends blog I was insipired to do some research...I was up till 2am last night and got up today thinkin about it...here it goes....if a gay couple gets married and has a kid...then they become a Christian...should they get divorced or stay as a gay couple? Now thats an interesting statement...hmm well I know what I think but here let me show you what the bible says...

1 Corinthians 6 The Message
1-4And how dare you take each other to court! When you think you have been wronged, does it make any sense to go before a court that knows nothing of God's ways instead of a family of Christians? The day is coming when the world is going to stand before a jury made up of followers of Jesus. If someday you are going to rule on the world's fate, wouldn't it be a good idea to practice on some of these smaller cases? Why, we're even going to judge angels! So why not these everyday affairs? As these disagreements and wrongs surface, why would you ever entrust them to the judgment of people you don't trust in any other way?
5-6I say this as bluntly as I can to wake you up to the stupidity of what you're doing. Is it possible that there isn't one levelheaded person among you who can make fair decisions when disagreements and disputes come up? I don't believe it. And here you are taking each other to court before people who don't even believe in God! How can they render justice if they don't believe in the God of justice?
7-8These court cases are an ugly blot on your community. Wouldn't it be far better to just take it, to let yourselves be wronged and forget it? All you're doing is providing fuel for more wrong, more injustice, bringing more hurt to the people of your own spiritual family.
9-11Don't you realize that this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's kingdom. A number of you know from experience what I'm talking about, for not so long ago you were on that list. Since then, you've been cleaned up and given a fresh start by Jesus, our Master, our Messiah, and by our God present in us, the Spirit.
12Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims.
13You know the old saying, "First you eat to live, and then you live to eat"? Well, it may be true that the body is only a temporary thing, but that's no excuse for stuffing your body with food, or indulging it with sex. Since the Master honors you with a body, honor him with your body!
14-15God honored the Master's body by raising it from the grave. He'll treat yours with the same resurrection power. Until that time, remember that your bodies are created with the same dignity as the Master's body. You wouldn't take the Master's body off to a whorehouse, would you? I should hope not.
16-20There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

Now I love the message version of the bible because its so blunt...it put it in words even morons can understand sorry bout that but I just love it. Ok so in verse 9-11 it states this you realize that this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's kingdom...Now as I read people who abuse sex are not citizens of heaven...therefore I dont think that Gay marriages are even seen as marriage in God's eyes...therefore if one Gay couple would want to get a divorce it wouldnt be a bad thing because the marriage was never a marriage.

Verse 12 says 12Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims...a slave to my whims...now you may ask what a whim is well for those of you who dont know its an arbitrary thought or impulse and arbitrary means a subject to individual will or judgment without restriction; contingent solely upon one's discretion...upon ones discretion well I guess if we decided to live like that then...drinking so much till I dont know what is going on would be ok...because drinking is legal...getting drunk is legal...so as a Christian I can get drunk...hmm NOT...because that would make me a slave and I dont want that.

Near the end of this chapter it reads...we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one."...well the only sex that we become in is sex between a man and a women...now gay sex not become one leaves you emptier then you were before.

There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.

So in conclusion my opinion is...it would be better for them to get a divorce and live the way God had intended...as their marriage is not real in Gods eyes...because in Gods eyes the only marriage that is real is between a man and a women.

Tis the season

...to be a grouch? No way its the season to remind the people you love that you love them...its the season to celebrate the one person who shows us unconditional love at all times...the one that does for us more then anyone of us could do for anyone else...Jesus deserves our focus and attention...everyone is racing around doin last minute shopping to get the best gifts to make their loved ones happy...yes I did get some rad stuff that I asked for but...its not about that...I still remember what Jesus has done for me...this is His day...He was born this day...for a purpose a reason...dont forget that...just like you celebrate your birthday and that you were born for a purpose dont forget that Jesus was born today...to show us how to live...to show us how to love...to just show us...who we are...then He died...so that we can do all that and be free...so this holiday season before you yell at someone...before you swear because people are annoying you...before you are disapointed because you didnt get what you wanted...remember that its not your day...its for Jesus....have a great Christmas everyone...I love you all...BE LOVE.

Not what I expected

Sometimes when God sets a dream in your heart..one so powerful...so life changing...so extreme...doesnt mean its goin to happen right away...doesnt mean you are to just go...sometimes God is workin on another dream of yours...and He never changes His plans for our lives we change our plans...and right now all I am doin is walkin in faith and trusting I am doin the right thing even tho its extremly hard...and all I want to do is run the opposite direction...but with how much I want to do somethin else I am not...I am walkin in faith with my God...trustin He knows what He is doin...workin on a dream that I am able to have Victory over...still I am stoked for 2008 its the year of change and newness...and adventure..not the type of adventure I had planned for...but it will be an adventure...well here I come world....watch out I have a plan up my sleeves....get ready

Time...Peace...New

Incredible…divine…fantastic…needed….those words describe my weekend…as I have been goin through some things that have tested me patience…my trust…my obedience…and just my faith. But I am still standing…I am still persevering…I am still walking…and I will fight. As I sit there last night at a party for a friend who is leaving this week for awhile to do her missions in other places…I got thinking wow am I ever proud of her…for doing what God has placed in her heart to do…God is goin to do huge things through her and yes its been a stressful time for her as she is moving across the world…but look at her obedience…look at her trust…taught me a lot…as I am turning the pages in my book and chasing my own dreams. Then I got to spend quality time with a great friend last night…laughing, sharing, and just getting deeper in our friendship and I am just so thankful to have her in my life…I am thankful to have all the people that I have in my life…they all mean so much to me…no matter if we still talk or if we don’t talk…I love them all. Then today as I was sitting in church I was watching this little boy as we were worshiping and he kept getting closer and closer to the stage…and that’s what my spirit felt like today…all I wanted was to be close to my God, my Dad…that’s all I wanted I had an intense worship session…where my whole entire being was crying out to hear the voice to feel the touch of the almighty God.

The funniest part of my life…is that nobody understands why I do what I do…and that’s perfectly fine with me…because I am following my heart…my dreams…and my what God has told me to do…I am stoked for the change that is about to come…and I know its right as well…I have peace. For once in my life I am not doin what others think I should be doin I am doin what I know I should be doin. There is a song by superchick called “Me against the World” it’s the story of my life…the beginning of the song says “wanna quit and give up, something says to pack it up, shot down from all sides” then it continues on later saying “they said don’t try changing the world you are just a girl” then it goes on “me against the world today I am gonna do it my own way…though no one understands I am goin to make the one girl stand…then at the end of the chorus it says “if we believe and we have faith we are goin to change the world someday” and I totally believe this…this song is an amazing song…and though no one understands why I do what I do…I am goin to change the world someday…a new chapter is being written in my life…and now is the time for me to chase a dream…my spirit is jumping out of my skin…saying lets go.

Airlines

So I was on an airline website the other day lookin at the weight of bags you are allowed to take on...well I got thinkin if I am 150lbs and joe blow is 200lbs I should be able to bring another 50lbs with me they put this limit on how much a bag can weigh but they dont put a limit on how much a person can weigh so I can shove all my items in clothes and weigh 300lbs and board the plane...hmm interesting thought eh?

Be prepared...

What will you do when I am gone? Who will you ignore? Who will you come running to when everyone else has walked out? Who can you say whatever you want to and will still for you...even if you dont like them? Be prepared for the day I leave...to the place I dream of...to my new life...in a new city...in a new province.

Most people dream of islands and beaches....I dream of tall buildings and an office...cement all around me that is paradise...I dream of buisness clothes where you may dream of a string bikini I dream to carry briefcase....with important papers.

When I am gone who will you try to control? Who will you make fun of...to make yourself feel bigger? Who...when I am gone?

What I hope when I write these words and I leave this place...is that you think of what you missed out on...the love and joy we shared...no longer exists...the relationships we had no longer are there...this emptiness resides...and I have moved on...to my tall buildings and office spaces.

Be prepared....that day is comin soon.

Dying in the church

People are always like we want more people in the churches…we want unity between the churches…we want to show people Jesus…we want to be more relevant…we want…we want…we want…what about what God wants?

There is a problem sweeping our nation that no one seems to think is a problem. Its growing churches and creating ways to be relevant where its no more about God its about numbers. Its about looking good and being the hottest thing out there. Its about what we have and what you don’t have…that’s not what it should be about.

Its time to fix a problem that most people are blind to…I would rather worship God in a shack with no instruments just voices and sitting on the floor listening to someone speak Gods word and feel full then to be in a huge church with huge screens and beautiful decorations and feel empty. I want God not man…I want to hear His word not what man thinks I should hear…I want to hear someone who can hear God…someone who will obey God and speak His word.

I want more people in the church but I also want relationship with them…I want relationship with the leaders of the church…I want family within the church so that you have support…I don’t fakeness.

Nothing is wrong with being relevant a lot is wrong with the look at me attitude. You may not even know you have that type of attitude…just look deep down in your heart and say what is my motive…why am I doing what I am doing?

Unity between churches is something I have always believed for…and apparently others have too like I said “apparently” but as soon as you say something that someone else has…someone has to defend it and say yeah but we have this…that’s not unity…why cant we work together why cant we help each other out with each others ministries? Don’t we serve the same God? Aren't we here for the same reason to bring heaven to earth and show people the life they could have with Jesus? That’s not what it looks like…the reason churches are not united is because of the men and women who want to say that they started something and don’t want to share it. That’s not unity and we wont be unified until pride steps out of the way.

We aren’t showin them Jesus we are showin them how to become prideful…we are showing them that you need to have a nice house and a nice car and to look great and to wear the hottest fashions to get anywhere in life…that’s not Jesus…I want to show people that if they are poor they can have Jesus if they are rich they can have Jesus…and yes God will bless us and he doesn’t want us to be poor…but its not only about that…its about so much more.

There is nothing wring with being relevant…being a big church…lookin good…or plain old just reaching out…just we need to do it with the right motive.

I will not stand to watch people die in the church…to watch people walk around confused and not knowing whats goin on…I will not watch people looked down upon because they don’t have the latest fashion.

Oh but don’t mention it to these churches cause nothing is wrong with them…they are perfect…and they will continue on with there beautiful look and continue growing in numbers…and they will let their people be walking zombies feeling crap…but as long as they keep growing they will see nothing wrong…bring the people in but how do you have relationship with 500 people not possible…don’t mention it to them they don’t want to hear it…they will keep making the outside look good and be blind to the inside but they will be the first to tell you what is wrong with you....church staff are no different then politicians.

Video Blogging

This is my new thing...I am goin to do video blogs once in awhile so that you the readers can feel what I have to say. The face behind the words...enjoy.

Sad and touching all in one

A mother is frantically looking around the house looking for her bra...yelling at the dog saying "did you take it again"...she cant seem to find it anywhere...she is upset because she cant afford to get a new one right now...livin from paycheck to paycheck doesnt allow for that...her son...not understanding the value of money wants his favorite cereal she cant afford to get it for him...she cant afford to get her sons favorite things...livin paycheck to paycheck doesnt allow for that...not being able to find her bra still she gathers up all the pop bottles in the house and takes them down to the bottle depot...she then goes to the store and what does she buy...her sons favorite cereal...as I sit here and see this I see the meaning of sacrifice...I see a real mother who wants to make her child happy...she isnt greedy...she doesnt hoard...she gives to him...her one and only love in this world...the one she cares about...later she finds her bra...thinkin maybe someone else was lookin out for her.

This blog was goin to be about poverty but as I was writing it...I saw sacrifice...I saw real, raw love...the kind one should learn to have....I have another story for you that I saw today that deals with poverty.

I saw a man riding his bike around with many plastic bags on the handles not filled with food but pop bottles...he is collecting them for money...the later on in my day I was walking and I looked and saw this man his bike was leaning against the tree...and he was cleaning what I think he calls home...he was gettin rid of all the gross things out there under that bridge...he makin a spot to rest down there....where he lives.

Why are we letting this happen? What did we do wrong to have to make these people live like this...winter months are coming and they are goin to freeze...they cant live under bridges...we say God needs to help them like we have no resources when we have everything...if we banned together all these people wouldnt be living outside...poverty needs to stop here...for this mans sake...and the mother with the child.

Scarecrow

Standing there all alone...in the day and night air...once in awhile a bird comes to land on you for a chat...your job to keep them away from the garden...solitude is all you know its a long time friend...you look around and dream what life would be if you could just move...if you could just walk...but you are fake and not real...so your legs dont work...there isnt in even a brain in that stuffed head of yours......your arms are on sticks makin them stick out...all your job is....is to keep the birds away...what if you could walk...what if you could talk...what would you say...what would you do?

Dont be a scarecrow.....go and do somethin.

Cry out

Cry out for the lost...the broken...and the searching...cry out for them so that they can see...see Your love...real love...true love...and see who they are.

So many people in this world dont understand that God is truly real...that He really is for them and not against them...some people dont understand that they to can have Him in their lives...that a relationship with God is never ending...and He will never stop loving them even they fall away.

I have fallin away so many times and every time God is like come back to me...I am the only one that is goin to satisfy you...I am the only one that you will feel happy with...I am the only one you can truly trust and no one can love you like I can...and this is totally true...God is the one we need and the one that is goin to satisfy us...we need to stop lookin for other things to fullfill us...we all try relationships and drugs or alcohol and other things and its never goin to fill us.

God picks me up and sets on me on the right track and shows me where I need to be and dusts me off.

I dont know where all this is comin from but I felt that I needed to write it all done...we need to cry out for the lost and broken...we need to cry out so that they can see God..the real God...the Father God...the one who loves is and is searching for them...He wants us to pursue Him so we need to...we need to reach out and touch Him and really dig deep into who He is...this is my cry for you.

If they knew...

I sit in around a crowded fire pit listening to all the laughter and watchin all the smiles. Feeling very loved and touched that they all showed up. Thinkin I have great friends they all came because of me...because I was born on this day. Makes my heart happy. As I am sitting there thinkin about this...if they only knew...my thoughts. If they only knew that inside I felt alone...if they only knew I am lost...and invisable...if they only knew. I laugh and smile so they think I am happy...this is my day...my favorite day of the entire world...and I didnt have the time of my life...I ate cake and that made me happy....I had great hugs from great friends and that made me happy...but still lost and confused and invisable...why do I feel this way...Daddy help me...come to me and be with me and make me feel whole again...if they only knew the dangerous thoughts...the bad thoughts...and the lonliness I feel...if they only knew...would they even care?

Dont look back

For real dont do it...ok so I read this most amazing story in the bible the other day that I have never heard of...it was in Genesis and it was the story of when Lot was fleeing his city and God said dont look back but his wife did and she turned into a pillar of salt...well I got huge revelation out of this and it was like a really sweet story...she turned into salt people...ok I wasnt brought up in the church so I never had heard this story before and I loved it...so here it is.

God said dont look back...and she did...so He turned her into somethin that wasnt a very big deal in those days...cause salt was everywhere you could get it anywhere...and she was salt so who cares about that pillar of salt who cares...see what I am trying to get at is who cares what your past is...who cares what you did wrong...who cares...all that matters now is who you are now...who you are goin to become...dont look back...dont turn your head even to the side and peep out of the corner of your eye...drop what you are trying to hold onto and keep goin forward.

There is no point in holding onto those things cause they are just goin to weigh you down...they are goin to pull you backwards or worse...keep you standing still and that my friends is bad...you need to just go...and do be turned into a pillar of salt because you made the mistake in lookin back.

Keep your eyes on God and He will direct you where to go...trust Him.

I think I have gone insane

Ok so here it is folks I am now listenin to country music...I offically have become insane...I hate the stuff but some of it I have grown to like its so weird cause I would be the first to boycott it...I would be the first one to say are you seroius we are not listenin to this...Jello I dunno if you did this to me...but I am enjoying a bit of country lately...maybe I am depressed...Nikki Out!

Kills me inside

Watching you dream and supporting them like I should...hearing you cry out and listening to every word...it kills me inside to know...that I am not in your mind...to see you chase one who doesnt even know you exist...kills me inside...as I sit here the pain goes deeper...do I need to change...do I need to live up to your standards...do I need to prove...prove I can make you happy...I am me and thats who I am...accept it...I am not changing anytime soon...life will go on...and I will survive without you...but it would be nice to have you in my arms...it would be nice to tell you...I care about you...to tell you...I believe in you...to tell you...I love you...to have the life we both dreamed of...its hard to keep silent...its hard to hear you talk about ones who dont even know you exist...its hard to sit here and wait...but I am strong...I will go on...and I will pray untill the day you see me...for me.

This one time...

So this one time...I came home from an amazing place called a ranch and crashed really hard...then I hung out with a great friend and she kicked my butt....and showed me that I needed to smarten up.

Ok but for real here is the story readers and friends...I became apathetic and hated everything and just plain old didnt care...and then I got talkin about my life and passions and what I want to do with it and stuff...and got excited again...you see I think myself into frustration and thats why I get in these moods...and yeah its just somethin I need to stop doing and I need to stand up and say I am not goin to stay in this rebelous spirit and the doing things my way and everything I am goin to live God's way even tho my attitudes and some ways of thinkin are still there I just need to work past this and keep goin...now I know this is rollercoaster Nicole that you all know but I am goin to work harder and keep trying.

One thing that has gotten me down is talkin about my dreams and people laughin at them expecially the ones of me becoming a politician...yeah but for now this is me leavin here sayin I am goin to work hard ok...peace out.

Falling

So weak and so tired...tears filling my eyes...so I fall into your arms and hit the cold cement hard...my face hurts and is numb...as the tears roll down and onto the ground...laying in a puddle of my own blood from the fall...too weak to get up and dust off...too tired to even care...lay still maybe someone will rescue me...its your fault I say to myself...you tapped out all your resources...its your fault I say...you let yourself go and fall...you opened the door...its your fault now I say to myself...no one is coming to help you...you suck and you lose this time...this game is over...and you are all alone...dont even try any more...laying there on the cold cement wishing the pain was gone...wishing it was over...wishing I wasnt here.

Take it all

Do I know where I am goin? Do I even know what the heck it is I want...my life is spinning fast around me and it wont slow down...all these choices comin at me and I dunno what to do. When are You goin to tell me what You want? Too many dreams instilled into me...why do I have to be a dreamer? Can I just not dream? Someone take these dreams away from let me be a bump on the log...let me just exist. Someone else be a leader...someone else be great...its not for me I just want to exist. Imagine a life without an imagination...imagine a life without a dreamer. Imagination is for people that hate reality...if you havent guessed yet that could be me. Now what does the world need from me? When will they see that I have the right idea's to change it...when will they ask for me to help? Can someone give me a fricken break? People tell me they are goin to help...people tell me they care. But then when somethin better comes along they peace out and say do it on your own. They dont care unless it benefits them in any way. So here is my imagination and here is my dreams...take them all away from me...and you do what has been planned out for me..you take it and dream it...peace out.

Changes

Well life as I know it has changed completly...I am back home from the ranch and livin at my mom's...I havent lived here in a long time and still dunno what I think about it...its definitly goin to be different and I dont know if I like that. This summer has been the hardest summer of my life...and my thought life isnt that great...I am letting some thoughts win and I know I shouldnt...so the question now is what to do in the fall...what to do with my life...I dunno what its goin to be...so I am having some troubles right now...so if you want to pray then its for my thoughts...and my next step.

Small and unimportant

Some times I feel as a child one that is alone and that no one cares about...one that no one sees as important...one that gets left out and picked on...small and unimportant...picture a child jumping up and down trying to get your attention...when saying pick me pick me...one that wants to hang with the cool kids but they dont notice...one that just wants to be loved and cared about...sometimes thats how I feel...broken and abandoned...lost and empty...alone and unloved...now I know that God loves me more then anyone else in this world could...I know that He would do anything for me and actually does pick me...I know this but sometimes you need that human touch sometimes you just need a friend...and most of the time I think people are too self absorbed and happy to get what they want that they dont care about others...and some give just enough to make it look like they care so that others dont think they are selfish...but in reality some can see right through that...dont get me wrong there are great people in this world...they are jsut hard to find cause they dont spread it infront of others to be seen they dont yell from the roof tops "HEY LOOK AT ME I AM A GREAT PERSON" nope thats not who they are...they are a great person even when no one is looking...they are a great person even when they are having a bad day...they are a great person even if it means sacrificing something of theirs...meaning their time...energy....finances....and life...that is what a great person does...you will be able to notice the ones that try to steal Gods glory...and you will be able to notice the ones who give it all to Him...sometimes I feel as if I am invisible...soon you will see I am not...soon you will see that I am important and that I can change the nation...and I am strong...so Canada watch out...cause I am comin.

My heart

Well camp this week was incredable...the things that the children shared and learned amazing...but most of all my dreams are comin true.

I have been doin a lot of searching inside me...I have been doin a lot of teaching with these children...but now my friends its time for me to share my heart with you all.

You all know that I have a deep passion for children...and some of you know that I love politics well its becoming time to start going towards the goal of becoming a politician...I have decided that I need to take some schooling and need to work on that goal...all week I was teachin kids that they can change the world...and to not just sit there...well I need to take my own advice...so I am not goin to share all the details on here cause nothing is set in stone...but let me tell you september is goin to be great and I am goin to start changin canada...have a great week friends see you all soon.

Revelation off the zipline

So I conquered my fear of heights and went off the zipline here at the ranch...it was a great time and scary at the same time...but I got some sweet revelation off of it...there is this bridge that you have to cross its a rope bridge and its pretty scary...one wrong step and you fall through but you are safe cause you are attached to a safety...then you get to the yellow tower and you have to jump off the zipline and when you first jump off it feels like you are goin to fall to your death...and then the harness catches you and you are safe...well I got some deep revelation on this zipline.

Walkin the bridge is like your walk with God...one wrong step and you fall....one wrong move and you are done...its long and hard and takes a lot of w ork and strength...you definitly cant do it on your own so you need your harness or you could die...then you get to the yellow tower and thats when you need to take your leap of faith and trust in God...thats when you just need to go and pray that the harness is goin to hold you...and the harness is God and at first it doesnt feel like it has you and then it does it catches you just like God catches us...and takes our fear away.

I am very afraid of hieghts and I went up this thing...and just went for it and conquered it this is my year of victory...and I need to hang on to that...I need to keep fighting and never let go of my harness in life which is God...because if I do I am goin to fall I am goin to die.

Done week two of kids

Well this week was busy...but it was fun I had a blast...just for all you out there I am learning a lot about myself and how I handle frustration and stress...this year at ENR has been harder then last...and I dunno what it is...its just been hard...but I dunno what else to update you all in this note...except to say there has been a lot of physical attacks and stuff on people so prayer for that would be awesome...and yeah I can update you more later. Miss you all.

Well we offically had our first week of camp and I had some good times and bad times...but let me share my week...the kids were amzing minus the fact that I think they all have hearing problems...but anyways I was sitting there thinkin one day...I am parenting their parents arent here I am the one they go to so that means I am the parent of 19 children wow that was kind of a scary thought...anyways the kids made me laugh and angry in the same hour...the kids made my heart break and frustrated in the same hour...God has been teachin me a lot of things this summer...and its all been great but you see its also been super hard cause the season I am comin into is goin to have great battles but even greater victories...I am not lookin forward to leavin this place and its a good thing cause its not even half over...I am doin DCI in the fall but am not totally sold on it...I would love to just go places and travel and spend my life doing that....I am growing lots and changing lots and seeing things from a different perspective...so yeah....some prayer for guidance would be awesome and prayer for the ENR staff and children because its been a harder summer this year...but the victory has been sweet...also I have made many new friends I hope to keep in touch with...they are awesome and I love it...so thats the update of my summer I will dtop a line later...Nikki Out!

Update on ENR life

Well its only been staff training week but its still been a hard week...I am tired but its a different tired...and this year its way different then last year...and I dunno how to explain my week so that you my readers will understand...God has been workin on a lot in my life and I havent exactly welcomed it...I am trying tho...lets see what have I done this week...well I am learnin a dance ha ha yes me I am dancing not well but I am doing it...its actually kinda funny expecially the bird part ha ha...anyways I tried skate boarding in a cabin and sprained my wrist yeah that wasnt so fun but I did get back up on the board yes you knew I would thats how I roll....I met many fun new people that I am sure I am goin to be friends with for a long time they are all fun and I am excited to keep in touch with them all...ummm yes well its goin to be a fun upcoming week cause we get the sponsor kids and I am pumped to share Jesus with them...and just so you know I have gained levels...and I am a different Nikki then the one that left a week ago...anyways talk to you all soon and eh I love comments so leavin them might be sweet....Nikki Out!

Make sure they find Jesus

The war is raging on…people are lying on the ground…bleeding not breathing…hearts failing…casualties everywhere…I fight…blood everywhere…I watch as people are dying realizing that my life isn’t forever…my body is temporary…and soon I will be lying on the ground…I hold my gun pointed at the enemy…I cant pull the trigger…because it looks like a human staring back at me…how do you shoot one of your own….I sit in the trench as I have to make a choice…sweat dripping down my face…all I hear is shots all around…its hot…whats my decision…wait…whats this I have been shot…the enemy has gotten me…thoughts running through my head…and all I can think of is…they don’t know Jesus…they need to know Jesus…and I didn’t share it…did I do enough…did they see Him through me…will they continue on…will they follow the One I love…the One I love…as I lay there…breathing my last breath…bleeding on the ground…I say if this it for me…if my life ends right now…make sure they know Jesus…

Its 4:20am and I am wide awake and all I can think of is this picture in my head…what happened if I were to die tomorrow…or soon…and my family didn’t know Jesus…what would happen if…I wasn’t around and something happened to them…and they didn’t know Jesus…this is what I need to get out into the world…is if…this is my last breath and my last moment…make sure they find Jesus…make sure

Its that time of year again

Well friends its that time of year again...I am leavin for Eagles Nest Ranch...which means there wont be as many blogs up here...I will be blogging when I have time but for now friends this is a farewell...I hope you all have a great summer...I know I will...I am pumped for it...just please remember me in prayer...and I will be praying for all you as well....love you all.

Badass Nikki

Well I have concluded I am either havin a mental breakdown or rebelling a bit...my mom said keep your long hair I chopped it all off...my mom said she hates tattoos I went and got one...well I just like changes and here is a change in my life...meh whatever

Lots of changes

I am done work...my house is bein packed...I have short hair...and I am gettin a tattoo...I am leavin for ENR soon...very soon. My life is changin drastically...nothin is goin to be the same.

I had my last day of work today...and it broke my heart...to have to leave those kids...to just let them go and say goodbye...to know this is the end...and if I leave the visits far away they wont even remember who I am...I didnt think leaving that place would be this hard...I poured a little over four years of my life into that place...and now its all gone...no more.

I am movin back to my mom's house and that is ok but also not ok...I have been livin in my own place for a long time now and I enjoy it bein mine...now all my stuff will be in boxes...and things arent mine...its weird its my family...but feels like I am movin into a strangers house.

I am goin to ENR...that is prob the only thing I am lookin forward too this year...its the only thing that when I think about it...I get super excited and want to jump for joy...its goin to be a blast to see old faces and meet new ones.

I am doing an internship at the DC when I come back...I dont actually know how I feel about this...I dont actually think its on my excited list yet...I am not sure what its goin to entail...I am not sure how its goin to be...I know I will grow...but its not exciting yet.

This is the year of firsts and I am goin to fight this entire year...and I am goin to win...I just need to get excited and move forward into what God has planned next...I am more then a conquer and I can do this...its just goin to be hard...and I know that.

Nearing the end

Well folks its gettin close to my last day of work...in five days I will be done at Southview Kiddie Kampus forever. Now you may think I am happy cause thats how I have been sounding the last few days and weeks...but its hitting me now...I am goin to be done there forever those kids who have become my own will move on and forget all about me...forget I even existed...now thats depressing to me...I treat those kids like they are all mine...I am very over protective of them...I dont know what to do....because on friday I will be saying goodbye to many children I have grown to love and some I have watch grow from a baby to a school aged child.



I am pretty pumped about the new chapter I am startin in my life...I get to go to Eagles Nest Ranch again this summer and then do an internship at The Dreamcentre....but....how do you say goodbye...to a place you have poured four years into...how do you leave a place you know you are loved so much...how do you leave a place that has taught you many valuable lessons...well after friday I will tell you how...because I will know...I will have left a place that is dear to my heart....a place I will never forget.

Lets look at the past four years...snotty noses...stinky diapers...bruised knees...bleeding children...crying children...all the smiles...all the hugs and kisses...and every kind word it was so worth it...and I am goin to miss everything about it.

Here are a few qoutes from children that I have head there...

"Did you know God even loves me too?"- a child that was never really told that

"Cole when I grow up I want to be a great teacher just like you"-a child who believed in me...made my heart melt

I have learned so much from these children...they are the ones in my life who have believed in me the most...they trusted me...they are who we should be like...they didnt doubt me...they tested my patience...but they truly know how to love...and they loved who I was...and not what I looked like...and I pray that when I leave the seed I have sown in them...never leaves them...the time I gave them and the love I gave them...they never forget it...well 5 more days...I can do this.

What do girls do on girls nights?

Here was most boys think girls do on girls nights...they get in their underwear and have pillow fights...and talk about the boys...and you know whatever a boy can think of.

Well let me tell you thats not true...Lets see what do girls do well they walk to superstore and get whistled at by many cars that the boy inside think reving the engine is a turn on...which its not by the way...then they go and buy chocolate covered espresso beans and rent movies...so now they eat them and watch the movies...and cant sleep...so at about 2am they go play in the park and take pictures knowing they are goin to be very tired when they have to wake up for church in the morning...well girls nights are lots of fun...and we ate lots of sugar...and its great times.

So for all the boys who read this we dont actually run around in our underwear...we dont actually have pillow fights...but we do talk about boys ha ha...anyways thats all I need to say for now...Nikki Out!

By me

Freedom taking love beyond the one with knowledge-Nicole


Something I wrote take it how you want...

Thinking

Well it’s almost the middle of 2007 and I am sitting here lookin at my friends blogs and reading things and stuff and I stop to think…these friends that I am reading about…I only see on the computer screen…these were the people I spent every weekend with…these were the people that were always at my house playing games mainly mafia…but these were the people I called true friends who have been there for me at all times…now I read about there lives on a computer screen…now I sit here and wonder where did all that go…what happened?

I have a completely different group of friends…a completely different life…and a completely different future…and they aren’t in it…I read about there lives on the computer screen and randomly catch them on msn…but I don’t see them in person even tho some live in Medicine Hat…I don’t ever talk to them on the phone…even the ones who say they are my best don’t call…my life has changed completely…and I don’t even know that Nicole I used to be.

Now some of you may look at this as a good thing cause it means change…it means I have grown it means my faith is in God…but where did they go…why don’t I get to see them…and when will our paths meet?

These were the friends I entrusted my life in…these were the friends I knew would back me up…they would fight for me…they would kick me in the butt when needed…but was I moving?

I can honestly say I wasn’t…I can honestly say I was just living a life…nothing spectacular…these were also the friends who said are you sure you want to do that…these were also the friends who said I cant do things…these were the friends who laughed at my ideas…these were the friends who gave me weird looks when I said I wanted to be a politician…these were the friends who couldn’t dream with me…now don’t get me wrong not all of them were like that…but was I moving?

No…I wasn’t…am I now? Yes I am…the life I have now is filled with people who believe in me…filled with people who I can really trust…filled with a future…filled with people who will fight for my dreams…who will stand beside them…these are the people who truly get it…who truly know how to be a friend…now again not all of them do…but there are a special few that I know…I can really trust.

The difference between then and now is…I am a passionate person…I am one who can dream…I will grab something and run with it and conquer it…I will succeed in anything I try to do…but back then…if I brought an idea to the table it was shot down fast…if I mentioned something we should change it was laughed at…if I opened my mouth they would roll their eyes and go…oh here she goes again…I literally felt stupid and a failure…and that I lost…and that they wouldn’t even care if I wasn’t there…life would go on.

Some of the people I hang out with now…I open my mouth and they get excited to hear what I have to say cause its goin to be a great idea…they like to hear it…the dream and believe with me…they will help me reach my goals…and when I forget to dream they remind me of what God has placed in my heart…they get it…they know how to be a friend...I feel like I can take on the world with them…I feel like anything I deal with is small cause I have an army to help take it out…I can dream.

Now again don’t get me wrong…I truly loved everything I had with those friends and I truly love what I have with these friends…but when I look at my life now…who would have thought I would be where I am today…I wasn’t even supposed to make it past 18…I wasn’t supposed to be the one that has no kids and graduated college…no that’s not what people had said I would do…they were wrong…I proved to them that I am more then a conquer…and that my Daddy has my back.

Nobody truly knows the dreams and visions in my heart…the things I want to do…the brains I actually have…and the guts to do it all…nobody knows…but soon they will see…that there is more to me then I ball of energy…there is more to me then the loud person nobody likes…there is more…and it will be seen that I am a…pioneer.

Legally Blonde 2 and taking on the world

Who would think that you would get amazing revelation out of a simple movie like Legally Blonde 2...now you are thinkin what the heck??? Legally Blonde 2 no way...well I could write an entire book on how this movie is insipiring and can impact many women to go for their dreams...I could show you the times when she takes on the world no matter what anyone says no matter who stands in her way...she doesnt change who she is...she doesnt compramise situations...she believes what she believes and stands her ground...and she didnt stop in her own city she took it to the biggest people she could think of...Washington

Ok now on to the explaining because by this point some of you are standing there goin uhh ok Nikki has lost it this time...Well for those of you who have seen the movie knows that she is a laywer and that she worked really hard in the first movie to get where she is...well in this movie she wants to get a bill passed that stops animal testing...there are so many people who dont take her serouisly and are against her...she decides to do things her way and not the way the world wants her to do things...she does in an unconvential way...a way no one else would even think of doing becfause they would be afraid of what people would say...for a bit in the movie she thought she lost her voice and was like no I am goin to use my own voice...there was a qoute in this movie that strummed a chord in my heart and that was "an honest voice is louder then a crowds...trust your voice"

This girl in this movie is constantly reminded of what she needs to do...and thats finish what she started and she ends up getting favor with people there and she is not alone and has great friends who are willin to help her...she is making new trails...she is a pioneer

Pioneer as defined in the dictionary is
1.
a person who is among those who first enter or settle a region, thus opening it for occupation and development by others.
2.
one who is first or among the earliest in any field of inquiry, enterprise, or progress:

now she started new things...she was relevent...she has wisdom...she was unconventional...she changed the world...she made a way for others...she made a mark...and they will always remeber her even when she has passed...the will always remember Elle Woods.

During this entire movie all I could think of was Superchick's song-Me against the world...then at the end they play the song...it was amazing.

This is who I want to be...not the pink wearing...dog in the purse carring...sorority ring wearing girl no...I want to be the world changer...I want to be the one who is relevent...the one who does whatever they want...and doesnt care what people think...I want to be a pioneer...for some reason thats the word thats in my heart...Pioneer...thats what I want...I am a pioneer

When...

When will you notice?
Notice the way I look at you
They way I laugh at everything you say
Everyday I hang out with you I always wonder
When will you notice?
The way I compliment you on your style
Notice the way I do what you want
Everyday I try…
To get you to notice
They way I support you in your dreams
They way I am always there for you
You notice all the others around you
You notice the pretty…slim perfect ones
But…
When will you notice me?
Standing here waiting for you to notice me
You look so hard and want what I want
You dream like I dream
You vision what I vision
When will you notice that…
I am standing right here

Nicole Andrews
23

Oh yes blogging

Hmm yes I havent really blogged in awhile...cause really there has been no ispiration or anything to blog about...but here is an update on my weekend...friday...I went out with a couple of friends and played pool...on saturday was a very eventful day of shopping and I bought new shoes...ha ha like I need new shoes but they make me happy and so I had to get them...and then I went bowling on saturday night...yes people the very thing I hate to do I actually did...I went bowling and actually had a great time...I was trying to perfect this girls technique a couple of lanes over who sucked more then I do...and well by the end of the night I had the swing and drop technique down pat...ha ha...then sunday went to church as usual and then lunch...and then had one of the greatest nights ever...so much laughing and fun we played board games and the watched a movie it was good times...then today I went shopping with some friends and another great time...and now I am chillaxin and about to go play pool with some friends and tomrrow is another great day of shoppping and gettin ready for when I go to the ranch...ohh great fun then wednesday its back to work so thats the short update on the life of Nikki...and dont worry so great writing is brewing in my head and you my readers will have somethin great to read soon.

Time

Time as defined in the dictionary means the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.

Time...you may have a lot of it...you may have barely any...its that one thing that is constantly changing....that one thing you really have no control over...people tell you do you have time to do this...what time can you come...I dont have time...how much time do you need...what time is it...this is how much time I am giving you...so time can mean different things to different people.

Time could be the longest space between two destinations...time could also be too short and you wish you had more of it...time could be the difference between life and death...time could kill or heal...time can be a weapon or hope.

Time...what is time...what does time mean to you...do you dread it...or do you look forward to it...do you take advantage and live every day...every hour....every minute...and every second to its potential...do you take every moment in life and cherish it...or do you throw time away and waste it...as if there is always goin to be more...but thats not the case...time does run out...your life on earth is not forever...you do run of time.

Time...live as if its the shortest distance between two places.

World changers in the grave

It is midnight I am in my room listening to the sound of a kitten playing in the dark...the only light is the light emitting from my laptop...and inspiration and creativity...and swirling thoughts have entered my head.

William Blake had this great qoute that I very much enjoyed "I must create a system or be enslaved by another man’s; / I will not reason and compare: my business is to create." I read this qoute and was like wow...yes a man that knows where my heart is...so I decided to look this man up and see who he was.

He was alive from November 28th 1757- August 12th 1827...now this man had some far out ideas and some of them were truth and some not...but he was only human and cannot be right all the time...but one thing that was said about him was great and here it is Blake believed that the joy of man glorified God and that the religion of this world is actually the worship of Satan....now he believed this in his time...look at the dates again 1757-1827...that was a long time ago....and yet churches today are just starting to realize religion is not of God...churches today are just starting to change mindsets...its crazy this man who has been dead for a long time now was not accepted and acknowledged in his time...but in 2007 people are putting ideas he has created and poems he has written are being read now and accepted...crazy isnt it.

Well most people who are famous are famous after their time...and most people who are world changers like this man...are world changers after they are already gone and they dont see the difference their words have made...sad at times...but great also because their words live on...God changed somethin through them that stands time...and thats whats amazing about it.

I want to change the world...I am a world changer...and most of the time people dont see eye to eye with my opinions and sometimes my opinionated spirit gets in the way and in trouble but...reading about this man gives me hope that maybe the words I speak the ideas I have and the things I want to change...will happen and I may not get to see it...but I know its in Gods hands and He will see it come to pass...and all will be good.

I have big dreams...to become a politician...to see Canada changed...and to get ideas of mine out there so that we can better this country...but if I never become a politician I pray that my words dont go to the grave with me...and that they will live on.

My advice to you is write your thoughts and ideas down...dont let them be stuck with you...dont let them be hidden...because this world may need them...this world may not need them now...but the future generations may need them...and you wouldnt want to fail them would you.

One last thought before I go...how many great ideas...how many cures to diseases...how many world changing ideas are in our grave sites today?

What have I become?

So today...yes today I had a thought...a revelation...a relisation...an epipahny...a truth finding moment...whatever you would call a moment...a moment where your standing outside yourself looking in...and saying is that really me...is this really my life...am I there...no but for real...when did I become this person.

Now you are probably wondering what person I am talking about well lets paint the picture for you...so when I had this thought I was standing in my church...worshipping my God...around my Christian friends...being there for the younger generation...praying they would find God...through things we did....and by speaking Gods word.

Doesnt sound out of the ordinary to any of you now does it...well thats becuase most of my readers have only known me for a short time...and all of you have known me as this...Nicole who is a Christian who is going to change the world...and spread Gods word...yes thats me...now.

Lets travel back hmmm about lets go....8 years...would have put me in about grade ten...now I was the kid in school who was the skeptic...that may actually be a good thing...I wasnt a very nice kid...some would say I was a jerk...the one who would pick on you for no good reason...just because I didnt like you...I did not like what I called BIBLE THUMPERS....yes those were the kids who wore God on their sleeves...those were the kids who made it known that they were sold on Jesus Christ...those were the kids who said "I may not be cool in your eyes but I am in Gods eyes" ha ha LAME...anyways I was always very skeptical of those kids...and wondered what their garbage was cause every one has dirty laundry...they always tried to get you to go to church...and listen to their music...and they actually wanted you to hang out with them...ha ha me...not a chance...I wouldnt be caught dead hangin with them...I was the one kid that played it cool...only did what the others were doing cause it was cool...didnt want to leave the pack....well thats who I was...I didnt like the bible thumpin...scripture qoutin...cross carrin...satan bashin...JESUS FREAKS.

So I was standing there...in my church...worshipping my God...around my Christian friends...being there for the younger generation...praying they would find God...through things we did....and by speaking Gods word....what the hell....when did I become a bible thumpin...scripture qoutin...cross carrin...satan bashin...JESUS FREAK?

I have become everything I had boycotted in my past...I have become the very thing I didnt like...and living this life as if I know nothing else...like its normal...like I have been doing it all my life...I am a Jesus Freak...now I am not saying this is a bad thing...this is just a relization...something I noticed standing outside myself watching me around the younger generation worshipping my God...

I am a Christian...and damn proud of it ;)


Ohhh I swore a couple of times in this one...get over it...religion is dead...I'm over it

Update

So I realized its been awhile since I blogged...well whats been up in Nikki's life...lets see I got my wisdom teeth out on monday yeah that was no fun...I was extremly scared and then when I left I was like what the heck why was I scared...anyways its been an interesting time since then...I havent been able to eat much...mainly pudding and apple sauce...to some of you that might sound fun to me who has grown to love food it is not fun...I have all this yummy food that I would love to eat but cant...so I went to the mall today to get some groceries...and I tried eatign soup in the food court ha ha funniest thing you would have ever seen...I as spilling it and it just was missin my mouth...this weird lady was watchin me lookin at me funny but eh I couldnt help it I have a fat face sheesh...anyways I am hoping that the swelling goes down soon cause I dont like it...I have one more day of rest before I have to go back to work so thats pretty good...well thats a little update on me...I will update you more when I am not on T3'S and not so tired.

Random trip to nowhere

I love those nights when you arent really doing anything and you are having the time of your life...we went out to the middle of nowhere tonight to watch a meteor shower that we barely saw...and it was the best time I had in a long time...it was so great...we laughed, joked and had great fun....a good refresher...thanx God for givin me this time...I enjoyed myself...somethin I havent done in a long time.

What the heck?

So it all started at the beggining of the year when Pastor Al said this is my year of firsts...and I wont have to do anything things will just have to come....well all of you who read this know I dont really plan I fly by the seat of my pants...well I dunno what happened but I have been trying to plan what I am goin to do in the fall...I quit my job and will be done on June 15th...then I am goin to the ranch for the summer...well my plan for september was to move away...I really didnt care where I just wanted to get away...well all that has changed...my life was planned and God had a different idea the entire time...I am applying for an internship at The Dreamcentre this fall and I am workin on a couple of other things as well...and its crazy thats the last thing I ever thought I would be doing.

I have had this really hard week that I just wanted to scream and perhaps end it all...but then today...today at church...I let go I gave it all to God...and I am free...well lets hope this attitude continues to happen cause I am sure people like the happy Nikki better...so lets see here this is the year of firsts...I am stepping into a new season of my life...I am stepping into somethin I never in any lifetime thought I would be doing...its truly amazing....oh yeah and I am movin back in with my mom...so we will see how this all works out...that is unless I can find somewhere I dont have to pay rent ha ha yeah ok...anyways God has changed my life and twisted it and turned it upside down...well here we go...stepping into somethin new...bring it on.

What would you do?

What would you do if you had one last day to live? Would you run to everyone you know and tell them how much you care? Tell them how much you love them…and show them that you cared all along…

Why wait till those last moments…why wait till they say you have one day left…you have one hour left…you have one minute left. You should be telling them all along…tell your family…tell your friends…and even your co workers and others…every one that comes into your life each day knows a piece of you. So instead of waiting till they say you are goin to die…tell them now that you care.

Everyone who reads this everyone who cares…everyone who I talk to…everyone that has crossed my path…forgive me of anything I have done to you or said to you.

And I truly care about all of you....and I appreciate every thing you all have done for me...it will always be remembered...and dont forget to tell the people in your life that you care.

If the world were dreamers and the people believers what would that be like?

If the world were believers and the people were dreamers what would that look like?

If you believed in our future and I believed in your past what could we accomplish?

If I wasnt scared of you nor you of me who would we affect?

If the world were dreamers and the people believers...life would cease to exist

Small hearts...broken hearts...lost hearts...lonely hearts...empty hearts...confused hearts...hearts with fear...doubting hearts...

I feel it all...for who...only God knows...why...only God knows...

I pray for them...cry for them...scream for them...fight for them...

...what do you do for them?

The snow you curse...

brings me peace and joy....it reminds me that all is goin to be fine and why??? Cause my Daddy has my back. I know that it inconviences some...I know that the cold that comes with you are done with...I know you just want to wear your flip flops and capris...but the snow means so much more then all that to me. When it snows I see Gods true beauty...I was watching the snow today and it landed on my coat where I could see each flake and the difference each one brings. Really its actually pretty amazing if you stop to think how much snow falls in this world and each one is different...really it is. Instead of cursing the snow just stop and look at it...stop and taste it...soak up the beauty and enjoy the peace it brings. And before you curse it...think about what it is doing for someone else...think about the joy they get out of it...they may have needed it that day...think about that.

Lost

Untouched the beautiful white snow....sparkles in the cool crisp air

I lay in the blank canvas to make my mark

Waving my arms and legs...to make the angel within

Closing my eyes as I lay there....lost in my own world

Dreaming of what was....the happiness the joy

Childhood games and innocence

I look into the sky as huge flakes are falling down

Diamonds falling from the sky...how rich am I

Gods most beautiful creation made all for me

A promise He once made...saying everthing is ok

I open my eyes and see dark skies

Looking all around I see brown and grey

I look within and all is dead

What I once had...what I onced carried has left me

And so have the words for this poem...

Inspiration has f

a

l

l

i

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The best place to be is...

in God's hands.

Church was amazing today a celebration...of what you ask...of five years of it being here ohh and its now debt free...we paid off the mortage...our church is prospering.

God has been speaking to me this past week...tellin me to fight...harder then I have ever fought before...cause its goin to be a battle...and it has been.

Today at church...I realized that I cannot give up...childrens lives are at stake and I need to fight for them...my Daddy is pushing me into my destiny.

Things are coming my way.

Save us, we pray, oh Lord. Oh Lord we pray, give, us success! Psalm 118:25

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11

My dreams are coming...my life is prospering.

I am taking a step this year that I have never done before...this is my year of firsts...I am taking a huge step of faith...I am being attacked on all sides...and the enemy is not giving up...

but...I am a fighter...I am more then a conquer and I can do all things through Christ....I will succeed...no matter what the world says...no matter what gets thrown at me...I will make it...I am not a failure...this is life.

Fight

I stand here naked and ashamed
You have stripped me of who I am
Or at least who I thought I was
Ashamed of what I have become
Hiding so no one can see…the beast within
Falling to my knees I surrender…what do you need me to do
I come out of hiding…into the world
Naked and unashamed
You clothe me with newness
And peace…and righteousness
Raise my arms in surrender
You equip me with my sword
And you say fight little one...fight

Nicole
Andrews
23

Untitled

Face is hot...feels like its on fire...face is red I am sure...tears streaming down my face...staring into pictures...pictures of times when we were happy...joyful sounds would come from these pictures...you see happiness and peace and friendship...too bad its only in a picture...I look around and see anger...frusration...and dissapointment...failure and fakeness...tears streaming down my face as I sit here in failure and take it all on as my fault...I see everything crashing down and falling apart at my feet...and its my fault...walking on the rubble...stepping on your heart...as I continue on in life...onto the next group onto the next friend...tears streaming down my face as I am staring into pictures...pictures of adventures...life and fun...too bad its just a picture...and reality is no longer like that...its violence...hatred and mistake...my mistake...I know its my fault...dont worry the world tells me...how do I fix this...I do I get rid of this...this pain I hold inside...I thought I already fixed it...I thought you took it away Daddy...this pain wants to leave this pain wants to stay...its a fight within...killing me on the inside...making sure I am dead...no longer will I trust or get close...it hurts to much...face getting hot...tears streaming down my face...anger has set in...I want to scream...I want to yell...I want to fight...what the hell am I doing wrong?...why isnt it getting better...you think you know me...you dont know where I have been what I have seen...its easy for you to leave...leave then...but dont...cause all I need is for you to stay...tears streaming down my face...crying out for help...I am lost...I am stuck...I am confused...what did I do...and how did I get here...how can I fix it...and why am I in a lose lose situation...lying here...tears streaming down my face...walking this road alone...truly alone inside...Daddy you are my one and only.

Ahhh yes

So this morning I got up and got ready for work...after sleeping for 12hours yes you heard me correctly I went to bed at 6pm last night...I was very tired...then I got my shoes on and walked outside and what...what did I see? I saw beautiful white fluffy snow...ahhh it was breathtaking...this meant it was goin to be a great day...then I walked to work and then I looked out the window and hour later and was snowing some more huge white fluffly flakes that lightly covered the ground it was marvelous...ok now I know there were a lot of people who woke up and saw that white stuff and cursed it...but not me I got lost in it...then I got off work and to my surprise it was all gone...my lovely white stuff all gone...it was so sad...and the weather was in its pluses again...I love the warm weather but the snow was a great refreshment...hmm yes...so onto what I got out of it...well its like my life...I am goin on in this hard desert and trying so hard to fight and fight...then I get the white snow the refreshing the rest the beauty...its those breathtaking moments...ahhh yes...then it goes away and I fight some more and grow some more and then somethin comes along and lets me rest...I got a lot of sleep last night and then I got the snow....but as soon as that was all done I had to fight some more... I am tired of the fighting even tho I know its necessary...I just want to rest for a long period of time not a short time...I want to lay in my Daddy's arms and hear Him sing me a song...ahha yes it snowed today it was so beautiful...my Daddy sang to me today.

Poem from the depths of Nikki's mind

Running in circles trying to prove
Prove to you that I can do it I can make it and I will change it
You look at me with disappointment in your eyes
Everything I do is wrong…everything I do is a mess
I touch something with my hand and it falls apart
You are telling me how to live and how to act
I don’t want to be trapped in your box
You call this life yet you aren’t happy
You call this life yet you have nothing
I do not want this thing you call life
I have a different view a new perspective
I want to live...not die
I want to be free and prosperous…ouch a bad word well at least that’s what you think
You hear my dreams and thoughts and yet…
You don’t believe
I get up and you push me to the ground
You keep me down why…
Cause I have everything you long for
I have the life that you forgot about
I have the life you always wanted
So instead of being happy for me you tear me down
You push me to the ground…and walk on me
To you its only a dream…to me its reality
When are you going to be happy for me
You are sucking me dry not letting me breath
Feels like my throat is closing up and everything is getting dark
I don’t want to give into those lies
The ones you spoke over me
The ones about poverty and failure
Because that’s not who I am
I am better then that
And I am going to change the world
I pray you get the chance to see
To feel…and to taste
This life…the life you think is impossible
This life that is in your reach…all you need to do is...reach

Nicole

Andrews

23

A run...Gods creation...and inspiration

I went for a run tonight...yes I went for a run get over it sheesh...anyways I was running away...and for the first time ever I wasnt run from something...I was enjoying the night air and the breeze on my face...I grew up in this city so the roads and the streets are all familier and I grew up in this part of the city so it was great...but then I turned a corner...I was still running but realized that I have never been down this street before no never...this is weird I realized I was walking now and no longer running...I looked around and almost started panicking no I am not lost I know this city of the back of my hand...but could I be lost...you know when you go to a big mall and you took so many turns and you are so confused as to where you are...you decide to consult the big sign with the map of the mall on it that says "you are here" yeah I know I am here but where the heck is here...and you start freaking out cause all you want to do is get back to that store where you found those cute little shoes...well this is what I felt like I started thinkin in my head so I took this turn and that turn...so I started jogging again and all of a sudden whats that ohh that looks familier...and I start running and end up on a street I know...it was the weirdest thing I have never been down that street before.

So I went to swing on this swing behind my house and I got thinking...that is almost like our walks with God...we are happy to be where we are untill He puts us somewhere unfamlier...somwhere you have never been before and you reconize no one....then you all of a sudden stop running and start walking...and some go further and just plain old stop...but after that is over He will always bring us back to the familier so we never have to worry...its crazy what a night time run can do to you...being in nature in Gods creation gives me so much inspiration.

Different and Weird

Well this is my inside the mind of Nikki blog page right? And I normally do share what I am thinkin and stuff...but what I feel I cant explain...where I am at I dont know how to describe really...ok here I will try to tell you were I am at....my life this week is goin great mainly cause I am lettin those negative things people have to say to me slide right off...but in a cocky way....I have a cocky attitude that I have gained a very bad one....I actually think I am better then people and I dunno where it came from...I stand tall yes but not in a positive way...I stand tall so the people around me can see that I am better then them...ok now before you start saying things to me...I know this is not a good attitude to have...I know I am in the wrong this time...but its weird cause I dont care and not in a normal I dont care apathetic attitude its a different I dont care I cant explain it...so yeah I cant really explain where I am at cause its a weird place that I have never been before...one thing I do know is my health isnt doin so good...I believe since I am at the top of my game listenin to God and praying hard again that the enemy is attacking me in my health cause I am sick and I am usin drugs and praying and its not goin away...and things are gettin worse...I also know that from this point on I am empty and God is the only one workin now...I cant do nothin else I am empty...I am not givin up either I am way past that...and I am movin forward...and I do have new vision but I just am tired really...and this weekend isnt helpin it cause its been jam packed for me without any of my say in it...so yeah life is interesting...my life is interesting...and I cant explain to you how I feel...I cant explain to you where I am at...its just different and weird.

I'm Hot!

Enough said...want to see more go to my flickr account.

Fresh insight

Ahhh yes the melting snow...the sunny days...the birds chirping...the smell of spring...spring that is coming upon us...ahhh yes...wait...did you say melting snow ahhhh what am I to do...my beautiful snow is melting...ha ha no problem its ok...its a new season.

Now as I read all my friends blogs I see a pattern...all of their lives are changing and the season is changing ironic I think not...it totally is a new season it totally is time...time for new things to be born...new ideas...new buisnesses...new life...its time. As I sit here and think about my own life...I see new things to come...new dreams...new life...new attitudes...new experiances.

So as I sit here and look into things more I see victory...for those of who dont know my name Nicole meams victory of the people...and what I see in this new season of my life is more victories...its time for me to rise up...to become who I have been created to be. Now I know I have said this before and have gotten stirred up before...but not with the same revelation I have now...people think that the isolation I have been giving myself is a bad thing but that is not true...I have been looking into myself...seeing who this person is...looking at what I find important in life and hold close to my heart...I have been thinking about a lot lately and I have found out what I want in life...and have actually made goals I have never been such a goal orientated person but its time...about a month ago it was told to me in prayer that this is a year of firsts...things are goin to happen in my life that is a first...and I totally believe that and have already seen it...well friends this is my year...of firsts.

I am not going to share what my goals are because thats between me and God...how will you know if they happen...ohhh you will know you will see them...you will SEE them...this week I have learned a lot...I have learned how to function healthy on my own...without people...without the world...and just me and God...this week I thought the world walked out on me...I thought everything that I held dear to my heart came crashing down...ha ha but you know what it didnt...God was showing me what I need to do to be satisfied...what to do in Him and who to look at first my Daddy...I actually enjoy spending time with myself...and dont always need people to entertain me...I enjoy going to bed early and getting enough sleep for my work day...I enjoy my Daddy and all the time Him and I spend together...He is the only Father I have ever known and its great to know that He is there for me no matter what...even when the world walks out on me...and everything comes crashing down...so friends here is the thing...if I am a bit distant with you then dont fret because that means my problems are being taken care of by my Daddy...He has my back...people dont need to know everything about me.

So to end this blog I am going to say...its a new season...get ready...cause change is coming.

My weekend and life and you know

This weekend has been great more then anything I can imagine God is doin somethin...I am not sure what but I do know its goin to be big and great...this week was a hard week and this weekend was like a refresher for me...God gave me what I needed and that was to see faces that I loved and missed...people who I havent seen for a long time...and that I got close to...today at church was amazing I think...I kinda blanked out a couple of times...it was like a party...it was like victory after a battle...it was amazing but...I wouldnt let myself enjoy it...I wouldnt let myself get excited...I wouldnt let myself cry today...I just wouldnt let myself...why you ask I am not too sure why...I didnt fight hard enough...I didnt do all I could...I screwed up big this week at work and it was my fault...and I need to do better...I screwed up big this week in life as well...I screwed up friends...and I shouldnt have I needed to fight more and persevre and I didnt...this is still past addictions in my life as well that need to go away...there is failure that needs to go away...lately I feel like anything I touch no matter what it is I fail at it...no matter what it is I touch I fail...and I dont know how to fix it...this week everyone and everything has attacked me...and I dropped my shield....I have not yet picked up cause I cant carry it anymore...I am tired and week...I am tryin to carry things for friends that dont appreciate it...I am tryin to do things for friends who could care less...I am getting tired...the weird thing is I have been getting tons of sleep this weekend and not feeling any of it in the physical...my body is sore and tired feels like I got zero sleep...I am empty and tapped out and cannot give no more...I am done friends...I am done....if you are lookin for me I will be the one lying on the ground waving a white flag

Update on the life of Nikki

Some of you are probably wondeirn whats up...well I had a really hard week of work and thats all I am saying...umm then friday was an awesome day...felt God all over me all day long and then went to Vibe that night and had sooo much fun...then woke up early saturday morning to go to the trade show to help out at the ENR booth and had fun there to got to learn how to putt or somethin like that...somethin that had to do with golf...and then I was sellin a ticket and I looked up and my lovely friend Aryn was there I knew she was goin to be in town but thought we wouldnt have a chance to see each other and we did...I was so excited...God is all over me today and I am happy this is life...I am praying for a few things that I am not goin to share but I think its goin to happen soon...anyways I know this blog wasnt that exciting...so yeah I will write a more exciting one later.

Another poem by Nikki

I remember the times we spent together
All I want to do is reach out and touch you
To see your face and hear your laugh
To share your laughter and feel your pain
I remember the times we spent together
We may not have the same area code
We may not be able to see each other everyday
But the time will come when our paths meet again
The time will come when I can reach out and touch you
To hug you and laugh with you
We will share more memories together
Tell more stories, more jokes and more of life
I remember the times we spent together
We will share tears and be there for each other
As time goes on our paths go different places
But God will always bring them together
Weaving in and out like a snake through the grass
Our lives will meet again
Just like a lost dog always finds his way home
We will see each others faces
As the night turns dark and the day turns light
And just like the seasons change so do our lives
But I will always remember the times we spent together

Nicole Andrews
23

Distance

So you know what I am startin to hate...is distance...all my closest friends are so far away...all the people I want to see I cant cause they dont live in my city...distance is lame and I am really actually kind of tired of it...sometimes I just really start missing people so much...and all I want is to hang out with them...well I pray God brings us together sometime...and untill then I will have sweet memories...and internet chats...and well sometimes the phone.

Snowboarding is not my friend

Ok so today was a great day...I got up...it is snowing great here I love snow so much...then I go to the ski hill with some friends...for my first time ever...beautiful out there and I have an awesome snowboarding outfit...so I go get a lift ticket then I go rent a snowboard and boots...and what I have to wear a helmut...ok so I put the helmut and it was a good thing cause what I am about to tell you next was not part of my good day...so we try goin up the hill on this Tbar thing ha ha yeah right I couldnt even get up the hill on it...so we took the chair lift ahhh much easier...just dont look down I am scared of heights and that was high up...ok so we get to the top of the hill ohh guess what Nikki does jumps of the chair and just about falls down a cliff yep didnt read the sign ha ha ok so I finally get to where we are about to go down the hill and get my other foot in the bindings ok I am ready...or not...I fall right away...ate some snow...meanwhile my friends are trying to show me how to do it...well I am just not getting it then when I do I am going so fast I get scared and make myself fall...so lets see it took me two hours to get down the hill on my first bloody run...did I go down again you ask...yes I did...I prayed that God would make my board go slower yeah that didnt work out so well ha ha...so this time I got really frustrated and started crying on the hill actual tears were coming out but I was like nope I gotta do this...I dont like to fail...failure is not an option...about 3/4 of the way down I undid the bindings and walked the rest...my day consisted of me falling and bouncing my head off the ground...good thing for that helmut they made me wear...my knees hurt...my legs hurt...my shoulders hurt...wait I hurt all over...I am not sure snowboarding likes me...all these little kids around me goin down the hill like its a piece of cake...mmm cake I should have some...anyways just so you all know snowboarding is not a sport I am goin to take up in the near future...or ever again...I dunno it just wasnt fun I spent most of my time on my butt...in the snow...while others passed and laughed at me...all you snowboarders out there great job...I just dont know how you do it.

Memories

Memories of a brother/friend....this is me and my friend Travis...he was a roommate of mine but most importantly a brother...we had some great times...so many laughs...he made me laugh all the time with things that he said...he used to make the weirdest meals and make me try them and I would say they were good just to make him happy...and sometimes they were actaully good...I told him he should be a cook...go to school for it...he wasnt sure...well my friend Trav got into a car accident in August and became paralized...and this week he had problems...and well he passed away...and I will always remember the fun we had...please pray for family and friends...cause I know I took it hard so I can only imagine what his family is feeling...Travis I truly did love you...and still do...dont forget to make Jesus laugh like you did us.