Different and Weird

Well this is my inside the mind of Nikki blog page right? And I normally do share what I am thinkin and stuff...but what I feel I cant explain...where I am at I dont know how to describe really...ok here I will try to tell you were I am at....my life this week is goin great mainly cause I am lettin those negative things people have to say to me slide right off...but in a cocky way....I have a cocky attitude that I have gained a very bad one....I actually think I am better then people and I dunno where it came from...I stand tall yes but not in a positive way...I stand tall so the people around me can see that I am better then them...ok now before you start saying things to me...I know this is not a good attitude to have...I know I am in the wrong this time...but its weird cause I dont care and not in a normal I dont care apathetic attitude its a different I dont care I cant explain it...so yeah I cant really explain where I am at cause its a weird place that I have never been before...one thing I do know is my health isnt doin so good...I believe since I am at the top of my game listenin to God and praying hard again that the enemy is attacking me in my health cause I am sick and I am usin drugs and praying and its not goin away...and things are gettin worse...I also know that from this point on I am empty and God is the only one workin now...I cant do nothin else I am empty...I am not givin up either I am way past that...and I am movin forward...and I do have new vision but I just am tired really...and this weekend isnt helpin it cause its been jam packed for me without any of my say in it...so yeah life is interesting...my life is interesting...and I cant explain to you how I feel...I cant explain to you where I am at...its just different and weird.

I'm Hot!

Enough said...want to see more go to my flickr account.

Fresh insight

Ahhh yes the melting snow...the sunny days...the birds chirping...the smell of spring...spring that is coming upon us...ahhh yes...wait...did you say melting snow ahhhh what am I to do...my beautiful snow is melting...ha ha no problem its ok...its a new season.

Now as I read all my friends blogs I see a pattern...all of their lives are changing and the season is changing ironic I think not...it totally is a new season it totally is time...time for new things to be born...new ideas...new buisnesses...new life...its time. As I sit here and think about my own life...I see new things to come...new dreams...new life...new attitudes...new experiances.

So as I sit here and look into things more I see victory...for those of who dont know my name Nicole meams victory of the people...and what I see in this new season of my life is more victories...its time for me to rise up...to become who I have been created to be. Now I know I have said this before and have gotten stirred up before...but not with the same revelation I have now...people think that the isolation I have been giving myself is a bad thing but that is not true...I have been looking into myself...seeing who this person is...looking at what I find important in life and hold close to my heart...I have been thinking about a lot lately and I have found out what I want in life...and have actually made goals I have never been such a goal orientated person but its time...about a month ago it was told to me in prayer that this is a year of firsts...things are goin to happen in my life that is a first...and I totally believe that and have already seen it...well friends this is my year...of firsts.

I am not going to share what my goals are because thats between me and God...how will you know if they happen...ohhh you will know you will see them...you will SEE them...this week I have learned a lot...I have learned how to function healthy on my own...without people...without the world...and just me and God...this week I thought the world walked out on me...I thought everything that I held dear to my heart came crashing down...ha ha but you know what it didnt...God was showing me what I need to do to be satisfied...what to do in Him and who to look at first my Daddy...I actually enjoy spending time with myself...and dont always need people to entertain me...I enjoy going to bed early and getting enough sleep for my work day...I enjoy my Daddy and all the time Him and I spend together...He is the only Father I have ever known and its great to know that He is there for me no matter what...even when the world walks out on me...and everything comes crashing down...so friends here is the thing...if I am a bit distant with you then dont fret because that means my problems are being taken care of by my Daddy...He has my back...people dont need to know everything about me.

So to end this blog I am going to say...its a new season...get ready...cause change is coming.

My weekend and life and you know

This weekend has been great more then anything I can imagine God is doin somethin...I am not sure what but I do know its goin to be big and great...this week was a hard week and this weekend was like a refresher for me...God gave me what I needed and that was to see faces that I loved and missed...people who I havent seen for a long time...and that I got close to...today at church was amazing I think...I kinda blanked out a couple of times...it was like a party...it was like victory after a battle...it was amazing but...I wouldnt let myself enjoy it...I wouldnt let myself get excited...I wouldnt let myself cry today...I just wouldnt let myself...why you ask I am not too sure why...I didnt fight hard enough...I didnt do all I could...I screwed up big this week at work and it was my fault...and I need to do better...I screwed up big this week in life as well...I screwed up friends...and I shouldnt have I needed to fight more and persevre and I didnt...this is still past addictions in my life as well that need to go away...there is failure that needs to go away...lately I feel like anything I touch no matter what it is I fail at it...no matter what it is I touch I fail...and I dont know how to fix it...this week everyone and everything has attacked me...and I dropped my shield....I have not yet picked up cause I cant carry it anymore...I am tired and week...I am tryin to carry things for friends that dont appreciate it...I am tryin to do things for friends who could care less...I am getting tired...the weird thing is I have been getting tons of sleep this weekend and not feeling any of it in the physical...my body is sore and tired feels like I got zero sleep...I am empty and tapped out and cannot give no more...I am done friends...I am done....if you are lookin for me I will be the one lying on the ground waving a white flag

Update on the life of Nikki

Some of you are probably wondeirn whats up...well I had a really hard week of work and thats all I am saying...umm then friday was an awesome day...felt God all over me all day long and then went to Vibe that night and had sooo much fun...then woke up early saturday morning to go to the trade show to help out at the ENR booth and had fun there to got to learn how to putt or somethin like that...somethin that had to do with golf...and then I was sellin a ticket and I looked up and my lovely friend Aryn was there I knew she was goin to be in town but thought we wouldnt have a chance to see each other and we did...I was so excited...God is all over me today and I am happy this is life...I am praying for a few things that I am not goin to share but I think its goin to happen soon...anyways I know this blog wasnt that exciting...so yeah I will write a more exciting one later.

Another poem by Nikki

I remember the times we spent together
All I want to do is reach out and touch you
To see your face and hear your laugh
To share your laughter and feel your pain
I remember the times we spent together
We may not have the same area code
We may not be able to see each other everyday
But the time will come when our paths meet again
The time will come when I can reach out and touch you
To hug you and laugh with you
We will share more memories together
Tell more stories, more jokes and more of life
I remember the times we spent together
We will share tears and be there for each other
As time goes on our paths go different places
But God will always bring them together
Weaving in and out like a snake through the grass
Our lives will meet again
Just like a lost dog always finds his way home
We will see each others faces
As the night turns dark and the day turns light
And just like the seasons change so do our lives
But I will always remember the times we spent together

Nicole Andrews
23

Distance

So you know what I am startin to hate...is distance...all my closest friends are so far away...all the people I want to see I cant cause they dont live in my city...distance is lame and I am really actually kind of tired of it...sometimes I just really start missing people so much...and all I want is to hang out with them...well I pray God brings us together sometime...and untill then I will have sweet memories...and internet chats...and well sometimes the phone.

Snowboarding is not my friend

Ok so today was a great day...I got up...it is snowing great here I love snow so much...then I go to the ski hill with some friends...for my first time ever...beautiful out there and I have an awesome snowboarding outfit...so I go get a lift ticket then I go rent a snowboard and boots...and what I have to wear a helmut...ok so I put the helmut and it was a good thing cause what I am about to tell you next was not part of my good day...so we try goin up the hill on this Tbar thing ha ha yeah right I couldnt even get up the hill on it...so we took the chair lift ahhh much easier...just dont look down I am scared of heights and that was high up...ok so we get to the top of the hill ohh guess what Nikki does jumps of the chair and just about falls down a cliff yep didnt read the sign ha ha ok so I finally get to where we are about to go down the hill and get my other foot in the bindings ok I am ready...or not...I fall right away...ate some snow...meanwhile my friends are trying to show me how to do it...well I am just not getting it then when I do I am going so fast I get scared and make myself fall...so lets see it took me two hours to get down the hill on my first bloody run...did I go down again you ask...yes I did...I prayed that God would make my board go slower yeah that didnt work out so well ha ha...so this time I got really frustrated and started crying on the hill actual tears were coming out but I was like nope I gotta do this...I dont like to fail...failure is not an option...about 3/4 of the way down I undid the bindings and walked the rest...my day consisted of me falling and bouncing my head off the ground...good thing for that helmut they made me wear...my knees hurt...my legs hurt...my shoulders hurt...wait I hurt all over...I am not sure snowboarding likes me...all these little kids around me goin down the hill like its a piece of cake...mmm cake I should have some...anyways just so you all know snowboarding is not a sport I am goin to take up in the near future...or ever again...I dunno it just wasnt fun I spent most of my time on my butt...in the snow...while others passed and laughed at me...all you snowboarders out there great job...I just dont know how you do it.

Memories

Memories of a brother/friend....this is me and my friend Travis...he was a roommate of mine but most importantly a brother...we had some great times...so many laughs...he made me laugh all the time with things that he said...he used to make the weirdest meals and make me try them and I would say they were good just to make him happy...and sometimes they were actaully good...I told him he should be a cook...go to school for it...he wasnt sure...well my friend Trav got into a car accident in August and became paralized...and this week he had problems...and well he passed away...and I will always remember the fun we had...please pray for family and friends...cause I know I took it hard so I can only imagine what his family is feeling...Travis I truly did love you...and still do...dont forget to make Jesus laugh like you did us.

Totally my song...thanks Amanda

"Stand In The Rain" by Superchick

She never slows down.

She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like its all coming down

She won't turn around

The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

[CHORUS]So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound

Alone in this fight with herself and the fears whispering if she stands she'll fall down

She wants to be found

The only way out is through everything she's running from wants to give up and lie down.[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

Stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

[CHORUS]

So stand in the rain

Stand your ground

Stand up when it's all crashing down

You stand through the pain

You won't drown

And one day, whats lost can be found

You stand in the rain

Break

So it has come to my attention that most of you dont like reading my blog because it depresses you...well I am goin to take a break in writing for a bit...I need to figure life out and maybe write somethin uplifting...so keep checking my blog for an update...there will soon be one. And if you would keep me in your prayers that would be great.

When...

When am I goin to stop getting disapointed...ohh right when I stop looking forward to things in life....and people are human so they always are goin to disapoint you...they arent perfect...why do I expect it out of them...why do I always see the trust...I dont know...its not like me...stay far away then they cant hurt you...stay at a distance then they cant see...see the pain in my eyes...see the world falling apart...see that I am done...and the zombie....the zombie that walks this life...the zombie at work and at play....play with my mind some more...play with my heart till its breaks...break is what you would see....inside is the pieces never found...like shattered glass on the ground...ground is what I am crawling on...ground is where I lay so you can walk all over me....me somethin I lost...its playing hide and go seek...where is that girl...girl the one who dreams...the one who changes things...the one who believes...believe in what I see...and right now thats not much...much heartache...much pain...pain is all I feel...feeling is lost now...I have become....a mindless drone

Shoes

Shoes make me happy I just wanted to throw that out there...ha ha look at my new ones

My life may be goin nowhere

Well I havent blogged for a few days...but I dont actually know what to blog about...other then I lost...I lost again...I lost the person I once knew...I lost the Nikki that you all love...and the worst part is....I am happy...she is gone...she cant tell me what to do anymore...its my time...I am the apathetic Nikki now...she doesnt care what she does...the world is hers...the night life is where she wants to be...when you are apathetic problems dont seem to be as big...cause you just shrug them off...lots of you are goin to be like what the hell you have these big dreams...you were happy, you were ready to take on the world...yeah well this is the side of me some of you know and hate this is the side of me some of you havent seen yet....there is a song I like by Simple Plan that explains me so much...

"Welcome To My Life"
Do you ever feel like breaking down?Do you ever feel out of place?Like somehow you just don't belongAnd no one understands youDo you ever wanna run away?Do you lock yourself in your room?With the radio on turned up so loud That no one hears you screamingNo you don't know what it's likeWhen nothing feels all rightYou don't know what it's likeTo be like meTo be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kicked when you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's likeWelcome to my lifeDo you wanna be somebody else?Are you sick of feeling so left out?Are you desperate to find something more?Before your life is overAre you stuck inside a world you hate?Are you sick of everyone around?With their big fake smiles and stupid liesWhile deep inside you're bleedingNo you don't know what it's likeWhen nothing feels all rightYou don't know what it's likeTo be like meTo be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kicked when you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's likeWelcome to my lifeNo one ever lied straight to your faceAnd no one ever stabbed you in the backYou might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okayEverybody always gave you what you wantedYou never had to work it was always thereYou don't know what it's like, what it's likeTo be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kicked when you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)To be hurtTo feel lostTo be left out in the darkTo be kicked when you're downTo feel like you've been pushed aroundTo be on the edge of breaking downAnd no one's there to save you No you don't know what it's likeWelcome to my lifeWelcome to my lifeWelcome to my life

this is my life right now...some of you wont understand...some of you wont want to hang out with me...some of you will be upset or feel hurt...and some of you wont care...a tip the worst thing to do is leave me alone no matter how much I try to push you away...but anyways friends...I cannot be perfect and I cant do everything right so stop pushing me...just let me be me

A new day...a new chapter...a new season

Well its time...the season needs to change...things need to grow and chapters need to be written. This is where my life is right now its a new day, a new chapter and a new season. Well the groundhog did not see his shadow so what does this mean well it means that they "predict" spring is approaching. Well it is almost symbloic of my life actually not almost it is symbolic...the last few weeks I have encoutered the victories and I have stood in the rubble of fallin dreams...but no thats not true...I was bein prepared dreams have not fallin...I am where God wants me to be...I just need to keep doing the right thing...it was spoken over me today that this is the year of firsts...hmm firsts eh...well I actually know that somethin big is goin to happen this year....2007 is my year...and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...and I will...I actually believe that this is a new season for a lot of my friends as well and things are goin to happen for them...this is the time...its time for my generation...to rise up and become the leaders they were born to be...well I had this whole great blog to write and I kinda forgot it all so this is all I am goin to say for now...have a great week.

Escape

I escaped...got out of reality today...but for once in a healthy way. Well I got my book I wanted The Freedom Writers Diary...I am so excited to read this book. And I also had some starbucks and went for lunch with Cody, Amanda, and Cody's dad...yep good day but that was not the escape. All of a sudden we decided to go to Lethbridge so here we are in Amanda's car on our way to Lethbridge...a city I grew to not like...it wasnt Medicine Hat. I used to live there for a bit but didnt like it...didnt like the type of people didnt like the place you know why...cause it wasnt my home...it wasnt Medicine Hat. I love my city but sometimes need a break. I got out today for a few hours and spent most of my time in my favorite place in the world....Chapters...I love that store its so amazing and I find new and interesting things everytime I go. So I finally did somethin right today for the first time...I got out of reality forgot I had a job, a house, a life...but in a healthy way it didnt involve drinkin till there was no reality...it involved laughter, getting lost...but most importantly memories. There were times when we were in the car lookin for somethin and laughing so hard and having fun that I forgot about everything that is goin wrong in my life...and everything I am feeling in this exact moment. I had fun I was me...and they loved me for me...my friends. I dont actually think Cody and Amanda knew how much that meant to me today...and I dont think they will ever know how I felt exactly...but God knew I needed it...God knew I needed to have a break from my life...and all its responsibilties...and this my friends was the greatest day I have had in a long time.

Great Song

Love Me-JJ Heller
He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me‘
Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…
Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love,
what love really means
He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

This song is so amazing and if you have a chance you need to go hear it...this women's voice ix truly amazing and God is on all her music...but this song means so much more to me then anyone could ever know...I just wanted to share the lyrics with you all...and encourage you to check her out...This song shows that when no one else has shown love to one...that God will always show love He is love...people fail and showing it mainly cause we dont even know how...well enjoy and have a great day.

Fight for what you believe in

Letting kids be who they are and not make them who we want them to be. That’s what I want to do...I watched this movie tonight that inspired me to be who I am and let me teach the children that I teach the way I want to…and every time someone says why or cant and I will look and them and go why not. I have these huge dreams and all my life people are like you cant do that and how do you suppose you are goin to get that done…you aren’t smart enough…well they were wrong. Just the other day I had one of my co workers say hey do you still have that dream of getting married and that house you want with all those kids and I was like yep…and she is like you better get crackin or it will never happen…what does she know? Is she God? We tell people what they cant do chances are they already know what they cant do…so why don’t we tell them what they can do…empower someone. So I watched the movie FREEDOM WRITERS tonight…best movie ever my new favorite I will be buying it and the book. In this movie which is based on real events…the teacher comes into a classroom to teach kids that people said would never make it…that people gave up on…and that people were literally scared of. It’s a battle of color, age and sex in this movie. This movie is about never giving up even when EVERYTHING is against you….this movie has loss in it that no one should have to ever feel. This teacher in this movie lost things and had to work extra hard but in the end it was worth it…she sacrificed her life pretty much and in the end won the battle. She taught these kids things they wanted to learn about things that were relevant…something that is on my heart is to change what is taught in schools…there are certain things that don’t help you in life and where is the learning…where is the stuff that we needed to know. I had to learn it all on my own to survive…we aren’t preparing these kids for the future we are teaching them what we think they need to know. In this movie there is so many parts that got to me but one of them was the part when she the teacher herself bought brand new books for her students and one of them says to their friend…these are brand new. They were used to old torn books not at a high reading level but she showed them that they were worth it. This women’s husband didn’t believe in her even though she believed in him…so he left her. She lost something to give everything…she is someone I want to be like. People all around her told her she cant teach these kids…that she would never be able to get through to them…and what did she do…she didn’t just teach them…she brought unity and made them a family…and showed them that they need to do what is right. Another part in the movie is where she handed out self evaluation forms and one boy gave himself an F…she said…you don’t deserve an F and you know how I know this…I see you…I see you…she meant she sees the real him and that he didn’t deserve that F cause he was an amazing person that is goin to do great things…how many times have you given yourself an F? In this class in the movie there was one white kid and he felt out of place and he felt like he shouldn’t be in there…he was in there cause people in his life called him stupid and one day he said I am not stupid…that was me…in grade 11 they said I had dyslexia I never really understood all the tests they gave me to find this out or what it really was…I just thought it meant I was stupid…so I acted the part…I got horrible grades and never tried…and then they said I would never graduate high school…well I did and not only that I graduated college…and so I found out I wasn’t stupid and some of my friends make me feel like it now but I am not goin to stop there and say yeah maybe I am no I am goin to fight and show them that I can do it and that I am not goin to give up. I knew today was goin to be an intense day when…at church the pastor talked about how people in your life have ruined love for you…and you decided in your heart to never love again…and how that is stopping us from receiving God’s love and how we need to let them go and tear down those walls…which leads to me to the movie I am Sam…another great movie…that taught me a lot about persevering and breaking down walls. Now all this that I said…what am I goin to do about it…well this is what I am goin to do wake up in the morning and go to work…I am goin to show my co workers that I am good at my job and I am goin to show those kids that they are worth my time…no more doing things half ass its time for me to fight and pursue my dreams. Its time for me to stop listening to what the world has to say about me and what God has to say about me...God doesn’t call the qualified He qualifies the called. There was a line in the movie I loved…I cant remember it exactly but it went before we have to fight for these kids in the court rooms…lets fight for them in the classrooms. Somethin else I am goin to start doin…is writin my sermons when they come to me I am writin them down…and maybe someday I will get to preach and teach kids that they can dream and they can dream big…and I want to be their number one cheerleader when the world has walked out on them.

Another poem by me

Day after day we walk by people and never see them
We compare ourselves to a world that is broken
Day after day we try and fail
We try to be perfect and get mad at ourselves when you cant
There is only one perfect person and we could never be Him
Yet we still try and still fail
Yet we think that someday we will become this monster we create
This person that if we became no one would want to be around them
We cry ourselves to sleep and in the day we run
We lose and freak out thinking the world is not fair
This battle is not ours yet we take it on
Then wonder why we fall
When only one person can fight and win we cant be Him
So Daddy I pray please take this pain away
Let me be me and let my friends be them
Let us fight with you so we can succeed
Be with us when we fall and pick us up
Dust us off and tell us we can do it
When we get on a stool take us down and tell us its not our job
When things get tough move us out of the way and say let me handle this
So Daddy I pray be with us as we sleep so we don’t have to cry
And be with us in the day so you we don’t have to run
I love you Daddy…don’t ever let me go
And when I think you have left me remind me that you will never go

Nicole Andrews 23

Beautiful Alberta

This is why I love my province the weather changes so much you never get bored with it…the sun is shinin the birds are chirpin and its beautiful out there with a nice +8…and Thursday is supposed to be even warmer…it looks like spring out there the pics I puts up may not make it look nice but it is…and I am in a great mood so the sun is shinin inside as well…well everyone have a fantastic day…I know I will

Many talents or one?

Ok well lately I have been thinkin a lot....and I try to be this other person with these other talents...that I dont have...I have always dreamed of playin guitar...but I am not good and cant teach myself...and cant affore lessons so yeah...I have always dreamed of bein a photographer...but none of my pictures would ever sell...then I look at my friends and I see what they can do and they are amazing at it...I have friends who can play guitar and take pictures and are great at it...me I work with kids...thats the only talent I have...heck I even thought I was a good friend but apparently I screwed that up as well...as a kid I thought I could do everything and anything...I have many dreams...but I dunno...I want to be a politician but I cant even get my own friends to listen to me...so I will stick to kids...and sometimes I doubt I can even do that...a writer...somethin I want to be...but my writing...hmmm no way....anyways this Childcare Professional is out and will stick to what she knows best. And I do try people...just cant seem to get anything right.

Give Life

As I sit here and think about my life...I think...I am surrounded by on fire and powerful men and women of God....so I sit and wonder with all these role models and the success they have in life why wouldnt I want that...why am I so depressed about my life and so unexcitable...as I ponder these questions I dont actually have an answer for them...this year I want to be brave...I want to stand up for what I believe in...and when people around me including my friends say I cant do it...I cant be a politician or I cant design a political party...I want to say whatever cause I can...and I will and people will know what I believe and God will work through me...so when someone tells me I cant I will tell them why I can. I want to say no to fear, doubt and lack...its not goin to run my life anymore.

I am tired of living where people tell me to live on a level they tell me to be on...I am goin to new levels and higher heights and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...so you know what...stop telling me what I cant do...stop telling anyone what they cant do cause I am sure they already know what they cant do...and all you are doing is affirming in their life that they suck...you are pretty much taking a knife and stabbing them in a wound over and over again...and reminding them of the pain they already feel...and already think about themself...so when you go and make a comment to someone think about it first and ask yourself this...is it goin to build them up or tear them down?...cause if its goin to tear them down its better to be quiet then say it at all...so everyone have a great day...I am goin to bed now cause I have been sick all day...and remember be a life giver...not a life sucker.

Kids....Mundane....Life

This is probably goin to be another random blog but thats just how my mind works...so a cute story from work today...there is this little boy who we will name Billy...and two little girls we will name Sarah and Jane....well Jane had asked why Billy's skin was black...and Sarah said because thats what God colored him...and Billy was like yeah...God went like this...and he pretended to color on his arm...and He said we are all different...thats just the way God made it....I loved this as I watched these two children try and explain it to another child...they are smart...and they know that they are different...but they also know they are special...you can learn lots from a child.

My next thought I got while talkin to a friend yesterday...I had wrote that blog and published it without thinking...but I have thought a bit since then and I asked myself this question Is it Medicine Hat I want out of? or Is it the mundane life I want out of? Well it is the second one its not my city I love my city...its the mundane tasks I do everyday...so I have decided that in order to not make it so boring I need to make my life exciting...and live...to my fullest potential...but if you are still wonderin what mood I am in its...well still not great but I am starting to turn my thinkin around so that I can live...well thats all I had to say.

Color outside the lines

This is not what I want...Monday to Friday...9-5 job. Ok yes I am blessed to have it...and yes its what most people want security...and a great job...well here you can have it...take mine. This is not life to me...this is not living to me...and I dont want it. I want to be free...I dont want wordly possesions anymore...I dont want to live this way...I dont want to be in this box...this thing that society wants me to be this ladder I must climb to be "successful"...you can have it. I dont want all the money in the world...or all the nice things...and well in a bit you will see what I want cause I am goin to have it...no longer will I be a successful Childcare Professional...I will be a free Women of God...who goes where the wind takes her....me and my laptop...will take on the world...and write about its adventures.

Break free

So...this is it...this is what life is...hellos and goodbyes...laughter and tears...and good and bad memories...well you know what you can keep all the bad stuff...you can keep the distaster and the pain you can keep this hurting sad life. I dont want it...I know its my choice to live the life I want...well I dont think you ever thought you would hear this out of me but...I dont want the control...I dont want to make the final decision...I always make the wrong one and all I want is...well no responsibilty.

New thought....what did I do in my life to deserve to have nothing to do...I was the girl with somethin to do at all times..I was the social one with many goups of friends...I was the one people called when they wanted to do somethin...and now I sit here with nothin to do the rest of my week...and no one around...and my friends leaving...well I guess I will just get closer to me...and my Dad...and forget that everyone else is doin somethin.

New thought...what do you think of living a life with no real job and no house and jsut backpacking and living on people's couches...and just goin where ever the wind takes you...the stories, the adventures, the memories ohh how amazing would that be...the places you would see...the things you can do to bless that city or family or church or world.

New thought...I am stuck in a world of responsiblity...in a trap of life...to what just exist...to gain social status...to make money...I dont want it...I want to get out of this bubble and just break free of what society wants me to be...I want to conquer things and and fly like the birds in the sky...I want to run like a horse in the field...I want to be free.

Allright I rambled off to long now...friends who read this have a great week...and remember it could be your last moment in life...so make the most of it.

Take my heart

Why dont you take my heart and stop on it...well thats what I feel the world does to me...God is the only one who wont let us down but yet sometimes I think He will....I sometimes feel like He is the one takin things I love away from me...I sometimes think He is the one messing everything up...where did the happiness go...where did my life go...and my passion and my want to live...who knows...my heart is in a million pieces on the floor...and I have fallin and cant get up...so weak and tired...there is nothin left in me...dragging myself across the floor...trying to pull myself up...cant get up but I cant quit either...but starting to think whats the point.

And for everyones information...I dont care if you dont like what you read....this is my blog...and I dont care if you comment and its somethin I dont want to hear maybe I need to heard it anyways...so do what you want with the comments this is how I feel.

Random Thoughts

My heart hurts and who knows why...not me and I never really do...there is a little girl inside that wants to come out...but hiding is easier...there is a dreamer inside who wants to dream...but hiding is easier...the easy way is the hard way...and what seems the hard way is actually the easy way...the little girl inside just wants to be loved...just wants what she has been missing all her life...she just wants someone to come and care for her...take care of her...to just simply love her...anger...anger has destroyed that little girl...she cant seem to show any other emotion...it takes over like a demon in the night...it comes to steal her joy...and soon to kill her...but only if she could destroy it she will survive...look at her eyes you will see story...a story I am not sure you can handle...a past that scares even the strongest of people...hurts and pain that go deep...look into the eyes of that dreamer and see the biggness inside...see the world changer...look past the sadness and the pain...and see that once happy child...fear...fear resides in this young girl...as she gets older the fear gets bigger...and then it becomes who she is...she is not afraid as much anymore...the little girl is strong and can stand agaisnt the winds...but sometimes they are too strong to overpower on her own...not worthy...who is she to fight against the evil powers...she is not worthy she is not strong...well at least thats what they tell her...she knows different...and one day the world will see that...invisable is what she feels...her opinion doesnt count and well never will...in some peoples eyes...but little do they know...her opinion will matter a great deal to them in the future...scared, alone and forgotten...this little girl walks...and as she walks...and gets deeper...she gets lost in this mess...when...when can she stop crying herself to sleep? When will the night become safe? When will she feel loved?

No...you take it

Well today is whatever day it is...and I am sick...I hate this feeling of wanting to empty your insides onto whatever surface is in front of you...but what I hate more then the feeling of having to is the act...so I am not goin to let myself puke...nope its stayin in...anyways on a not so disgusting note...I have gained a new attitude that most of you will be shocked by...I dont care anymore about what I want...I am goin to live my life pleasing people and do what they want me to do...some would call this a push over...I call this being nice and makin new friends act....personally I dont care anymore and yes apathy did get the best of me in 2006 doesnt mean I am letting it win this year...this just means what others want they will get cause I am not goin to try and win anymore...I am not goin to fight I am just goin to give in...I am tired most cases I dont get what I want anyways so why try...so friends if you want to play a certian game then fine we will play it...if you want a certian cd on the fine it will be on...if we want two different movies then it will be yours we will see...if I wanted that chair but you wanted it then you can have it...I will sit on the floor...that is my new attitude...have a great day...that is if you want.

This is my time!

Ok people recent discovery....I actaully care about me...and I need to start doin the things that God has created me to do...so no more putting road blocks up...no more walls...this is me...crashing down...here I come.

Ok there are two things that I need to change about me...well there is lots but these are the two I am goin to work on cause they are road blocks...one is no more swearing...and the other no more alcohol...these two things are hard for me but I have come to realize that they are in my way...God can use me while I am doin this but not to my full potential...and I want Him to be able to so these things are out the door and this girl is goin to stand up and fight...He told me I was a world changer well then I need to start doin just that...and I cant have things clouding my judgement or messing up my words...so this is why its so important for me to move on without these two road blocks...see ya dont want ya...anyways friends I am on fire...so I dont know if you want to sit in your mediocre lives or you want to come with me...dont follow others paths...make your own.

I am tired of doing what people say...its time for me to do what God says..I am goin to be a little bit more vocal on my opinion now friends and tell you if I shouldnt be doin somethin and I prob wont be doin it with you...so get ready...the enemy is goin to hear my name and cringe...cause he knows that God is with me...and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and that I mean buisness...so are you with me? Are you ready to get out of your comfort zone? The world needs you...if you arent reay then fine live in your medicore mundane life...thats not what I want...and thats not what I am goin to have....cause I always get what I want.

Almost 2007

Well its New Years Eve...I didnt go to church today cause well I feel like I am gettin the flu...so I decided to rest...well am I happy with my 2006? Thats the question I have been thinkin about lately...and you know what I am. This was a great year started out rough and is endin rough but there is only a few more hours left in this year and I am not giving up...words that come to my mind when I think of 2006 are...streatching, challenging, new levels, growing, new friends, ended friendships, amazing, and there are many more words but this year definitly was my year. And I believe that in 2007 there is more blessing to come, more great things...and I want to keep fighting cause if I dont I wall fall and that my friends wont be a good thing...the only thing left I have to hold on to is God and thats the only stable thing in my life.

One thing I learned in 2006 is...that relationships are hard no matter if its friends or what not. You have to do a lot to keep them up and maintain them...and that my friends is hard...some of you I kept close some of you are not as close...but all of you made a mark in my life and I thank you for that...cause everyone around me has helped me to get where I am today...and this is also somethin I learned...dont put people infront of God...cause they will always let you down and He wont ever let you down...so yes my friends I should have gotten that a long time ago but I am one that has to learn things the hard way and get my heart broken too many times...thats why in 2007 God is the first one I am goin to run to...and in 2007 I am goin to give it everything I got and fight harder and be who God created me to be yes there will be times when this wont work but I am not goin to let it get to me...I am a world changer and I know this so its time to change my world...2006 was my year...2007 is my time to rise up...watch out cause you might catch this fire...you will rise up as well....look back on 2006 are you happy with your life? Are you ready to push into all God has for you in the year 2007? Come on friends rise up with me...and lets fight this together.

Traditions

So I was readin all my friends blogs and I have a lot to go through but it seems you all have family traditions...or at least hang out....wanna know what my Christmas was like...we opened presents then every one went back to there corners while mom and grandma cooked supper...then we came out for supper ate it and left....thats what we do...we dont play games or even talk to each other...the words that come out are...yelling and people fighting cause someone did somethin stupid and shouldnt have done it...or cause someone left something somewhere where it shouldnt have been...or because someone is just that lazy and no one wants to help anyone so there is goin to be no supper....or someone is doing somethin they arent supposed to and its wreckin the dinner...ok so that is how my Christmas is...sorry for ranting but its my blog and I can do what I want...and I felt like sharing my tradition...yell untill the other person feels like shit and doesnt want to be there anymore...Happy New Year

So freakin excited

Ok so I just wanted to write little blog about the best Christmas present ever...thats right MARY IS HERE....ha ha she pretty much gave me a heart attack and for real surprised me...all the gifts I got this year was great dont get me wrong but a friend comin all the way from Ontario to hang out is way cool. Well our sides have already hurt from laughin so hard and she is here till the tenth of Jan so I will get more laughter in...and maybe park conversations eh Jello and Mary...ha ha anyways all have a great New Years I know I will.

It's Christmas

Well I have tons to say...and they are not all the same topic so lets see how this blog goes.

Christmas...well it was good this year...what did I get well I got...a cappuccino maker...I got syrup shots from starbucks, coffee from starbucks, and cocoa from starbucks...I got a water cooler(which I have wanted for like two years cause I dont drink tap water)...and I got a blanket...I also got a $50 gift card to starbucks...and a bunch of stocking stuffers...yeah I got some good stuff....mmm caffiene...anyways this was a good Christmas...and it will be one for the memory books.

I am at home now just finished setting all my things up and cleaning a bit...and decided to check my e-mail...and well apperntly I am a rude person and have never been nice so thats great...I guess next year I have to change my attitude and be nice or somethin...I dunno how much nicer I can get without bein a door mat...anyways whatever.

Well I dont normally make new year resolutions but I have a couple imortant ones this year...one is to quit drinkin energy drinks...yes people in 2007 there will be no more energy drinks in this Nikki...and I have a way of keeping it...Amanda is keepin an eye on this one...another one I am goin to make is...spend more time with God to get to know Him more then I have ever gotten to know Him before.

Which brings me to another point...some people think that I have found better friends then my old ones...that is not true...we all grow apart and its not that there better...they call me and ask me to do stuff..so I do it...no one else calls...and if blogs in the past have said I like these friends better thats not how its supposed to sound...you cant see the tone in peoples blogs...thats what sucks about the internet...anyways my new decision is to not care what people think of me...I am goin to do whatever I feel is right...who cares if you get mad at me...I am not here to please you...I am here to live my life and live it to the full.

Well I am out now and I love you all my friends...I am goin to relax with myself and maybe watch some television...Merry Christmas...and enjoy every moment that you have...you never know when its your last.

Happy Birthday Jesus

I am glad I went to church today....pretty much didnt want to but I knew there was a reason to....I love my church and love how they love children...today during worship Katie sang with Miranda and I love it...and miss her up there...and they had invited all the children to go up there and sit on the stage with them while they sang Christmas carols...wow beautiful sight I started crying...then one little boy in particular decided to break dance yes Amanda it was Josiah...he is one of my fav kids well all the Brown kids I love...and then the kids got sent to kidzone and Pastor came up and spoke for a short time and it was a good Christmas message...he said we are always making memories no matter if they are good or bad...and I totally agree...then he talked about it bein Jesus's birthday which I have always celebrated even as a kid and not believing I have always kept it His birthday cause thats what it was about my mom taught me that at a young age even tho we didnt go to church...my question is what am I goin to give Him for His birthday? The question is what are you goin to give Him on His birthday...in reality its all about Him...just somethin for you all to think about...Love you all my friends and have an awesome Christmas...get ready...everything youahve been believing for is goin to come to pass....2006 this is my year!

You ass wipe

Ok so its about 1:40am and I am still up and have to be up early tomorrow...but I have had a great night....I hung out with old friends that I havent hung out with in forever and we laughed to our sides hurt it was awesome...do you remember the days when you would play the card game President aka Asshole forever...well we did that tonight let me explan our night.

It all started with some supper at BP's...Jelea, Kurtis and I went to BP's we had some yummy food and talked to our friend Kayla who works there it was good...then Kayla is like I want to bake a cake and well you all know what I did...I got super excited and was like yeah...so Jelea, Kurtis and I were off to wal-mart...yes we know how dangerous it is for Jelea and I to go to wal-mart together but Kurtis was there our voice of reason...we bought some movies that we didnt watch and cake and icing...goodtimes...so we headed back to my house and waited for Kayla to get off work...we had some fun watchin tv...then Kayla came over and we watched more tv till it was almost eleven and we decided to make this cake...so we made cupcakes mmm team effort well one team member didnt do their part....the instructions said three eggs and Kayla had put two in...I didnt notice untill they were in the oven and I had looked at the container and only two were missing not three...ohh well they were fine...so we decided to play our card game at my kitchen table good times...we played it forever...calling each other names and cards were flying and it was awesome...my throat now hurts...and I am wide awake...and we now call each other ass wipes so yeah.

Anyways old friends that I havent hung out with in forever mainly cause they have been gone and life happens...but it was great to be with them once again...we said a lot of remember whens...I love those...and we bonded like we have never before...this was an interesting mix but I loved it...we need to do it again sometime...well its almost 2am and I have to get up soon but I think I am goin to watch a movie so have a great weekend all...and dont forget be yourself...I tried somethin new tonight...being me with my old friends whom I used to wear a mask around...I love it...and I love all my friends....goodnight

Kill me now

I think I finally burnt myself out...there is nothing left...God is definitly gonna have to take over...I am sooo tired...I am goin to bed early tonight...I think I might crash but I dont want to so I need rest...but I still have some work to do tonight...so yeah...I dunno why I made this a blog maybe its cause I wanted the world to know...I am almost dead...so if you dont hear from me...I probably crashed somewhere and am not wakin up for a long time

I like comments people

Ok for real...I used to have so many comments on my blog that it took my awhile to read them all...now you people dont comment anymore...I do write these blogs for me but ittwould be awesome if you guys commented so I know people are readin my blogs...I comment on your blogs yep I do...well have a great day every one.

Watch Out

Well today is monday well at least for another 30min it is...I had today off work and it was great but I am excited to go back tomorrow...my friend Amanda is back home in Ontario for a couple of weeks and well thats sad...I had a great evening with Karen we went for coffee and chatted it up...I finished my Christmas shopping and thats awesome too...today is a good day...and well life is ok...but I have done a lot of thinkin today.

I was on the bus and saw a lady who works at Arby's and well she has worked there since that place has opened up so thats about 14 years....thats a long time to be at a place and not only that but a fast food place...my question is why? Why would she stay somewhere that isnt goin to get her anywhere? Why would she stay at a place that the boss treats her badly? Who knows...but here is the thing...I believe she is comfortable. People get in these comfort zones and that my friends is why nothin is gettin done in this world...and I dont want to be like that...I want to stay out of my comfort zone and do somethin new everyday...so today I go talkin about my dreams I got talkin about things I am passionate about...and I got excited...I may get to move to Edmonton like I dream of...I may...but do I want to? I literally love my city...I thought my heart was in Edmonton but as I think about it more...really it is here...but I do have a passion to see Edmonton rise like here is...for the last few years I have been so sure of where God is takin me...but this week I actually have no idea and its really exciting...I have been in the shadows for way to long...its time...its time for me to rise up and change the world...ha ha people laugh at me when they hear me say...I want to be prime minister...who are they to tell me what I cant do...here I go...taking on the world...watch out Nikki is all fired up.

Completly lost my mind

Ok well like the title says I have lost it...ok ha ha very funny you all think I already have...no but for real...ok so Amanda has this new car right and all it has in it is a cassette player...so she went and bought all these old cassettes...like Brittany Spears, Vanilla Ice...and well you get the point...well I got home and a weird thing happened...I wanted more...yes friends I wanted more...now I havent listened to this stuff since I was in junor high school...well...I even think my limewire was shocked when I searched Brittany Spears, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, and yes my friends even O-town...ok I think maybe I am sick or something...but I made this great...I mean this ok playlist with all these songs on it and this is what I am listening to right now as I type this...ohh wait Shania Twain is even on it....yep country friends(shut up Jello its not goin to last) well I am goin to go now and maybe you could pray for me...Amanda look what you have done to me...this is not the music I have grown to love...I like bands like...My Chemical Romance, The Spill Canvas, Minus the Bear, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, you know...the great stuff...well I am goin to bed and maybe get my senses back in the morning or something...at least I hope so

New Attitudes

I know I just wrote a new post today but I needed to write another one cause there is things on my mind....you know what I am tired of...the words cant, quit and impossible....cause the last time I checked everything is possible through God...ok so I know it wasnt that long ago that I was using those words...but if you have been around me lately you would see the life I have in me the new attitude towards life and how I want to live and I dont want to be dragged down by situations...I want people to see that walking with God is truly amazing....and that its worth it...It's funny cause I used to get so frustrated when people say they cant do somethin and then turn around and say I cant do it...I would tell people the can do their dreams...but then I would think mine would never come true...I believed in people but not myself...well my friends thats changed and I do believe in myself and I still want you to pursue your dreams...I want you to go beyond anything I could ever do...I want you to do better then me...I want your dreams to be bigger then mine...and I have some big dreams so get dreamin...I want to show people they have a purpose...and that God made them special for a reason...and they were not a mistake....ha ha reminds of somethin my mom always told me growing up she said "you never planned but you definitly werent a mistake" she doesnt understand that the power in those words made me the amazng women of God I am today...and you know what else gets me excited is....I did it...I am doin it...and I will forever...what you ask...walking with God...my friends all fell away and I used to follow them...and some of them are still waiting for me to fall...but this life is too good to do that...I will not fall...I am more then a conquer...my question is why arent people seeing it? Why cant they see God is the way the only way...you know why...cause I wasnt living it before...I was before but then I didnt care..apathy ha ha somethin huge in my life...ha ha no more I am shakin things off and taking on the world...ok this blog may have seemed like a ramble but I said what I wanted to after all it is my blog and I can say whatever I want...well everyone I am excited for the first time ever...for Christmas I am so excited to spend it with mu family...and show them Jesus...I will be Jesus so that they can see who He is...and maybe they will get it too...Have a great weekend friends...mine is just beggining.

Great Week

Well I thought I would update my blog since its been a week....well lets see its friday morning and I am at home because I booked today off...ohh right to pretty much do nothing...untill tonight...its Christmas at the DC my favorite event of the year...we bless Medicine Hat which is so amazing and I love it....you get to see happy people smiling children and all around its a great time...well yeah...so I just spent a nice morning shopping with my friend Amanda and I actaully started my Christmas shopping...yes people I started before December 24th amazing eh...well its been a good week...I changed my attitude about life and if I am havin a crappy day its ok cause it will get better and if I think of one good thing that happened that day then its a good day...well yeah I dont really kn0w what to say besides life is good...so I will leave you with a great qoute.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

Have a fantastic weekend!

Best Christmas EVER!!!!

Ok I know what you are thinking Christmas is still two weeks away....but three of my friends and I had our own little Christmas this weekend before one leaves for Ontario...and it was amazing and this is why.

It is truly amazing when people come into your life that get to know you....that actually take the time and get to know you....every present I got was somethin that no one else would have thought of...that none of my other friends would even think I would like....heck most of my other friends make fun of me for being stupid or somethin but I am not....and most of my other friends if they saw me reading a book would be like..."you read" and they would be shocked...but thats because they havent taken the time to really understand who I am...the thinker....the reasearcher....the learner...the world changer. My other friends have said yeah go and pursue your dreams but they never actually helped me out by giving me tools to pursue my dreams...now dont get me wrong I love all my friends even though they may think different...I just sometimes rather hang out with people who are goin to lift me up and not tear me down...and that is how I feel with these three...so this weekend we had Christmas....and the feelings I got were feelings of love and unity...I love these three people....and I thank God every day for putting them into my life...they have made blogs about what each person brings to the group and what each person means to them...well its my turn.

Cody...well he is cody and he is amazing...he gets you to think...he challenges you...he reminds me to speak positive into my life...and to speak what I want...he makes me feel special and I dont normally get close to guys...and he is breaking down walls...and showing me what a brother is like...what a friend is like...he goes the extra mile.

Heather...ha ha well she makes me laugh and not because she gets everything we say like five minutes later...but because she brings so much Joy to the room she is in...she brings questions like why and I get to answer them and then I never forget why I believe what I believe...even tho sometimes our opinions clash she still accepts them and still says well thats a great point...she doesnt tear my ideas down...and I love that about her.

Amanda aka Hazzard...well this friend has truly challenged me...and broken MANY walls down...she is a keeper definitly...God has brought this one in my life for a reason...she believes in me even when I dont care...she tells me like it is even when I dont want to hear it...she truly cares and I have just learned that...she is a great friend...and she has shown me a part of God that I wouldnt have found in anyone else.

These people are my friends and I love each one of them...they are amazing in different ways...this Christmas was amazing because there was no fighting there was peace...and I got to experiance a family Christmas...in a different way...in a way I will never forget...I was in the greatest mood today...I was a real happy...somethin I have forgotten could happen....I found a piece of me I left behind and forgot to pick up...I found a part of God that I have been searching for all this time...I found intimacy with God...and I found hope once again...thank you friends...I really love you guys...a real love...this is a Christmas I will NEVER forget...this one changed my life...Merry Christmas everyone else...and dont forget....love is actually all around.

mmm 12 cupcakes

You know what bugs me...people who cheat in life...people who cheat in general...ok now some of my friends who probably dont read this would argue with me but they say I have cheated and that is not true cause I hate cheaters and it actually pisses me off when accused of cheating and I didnt...I get all angry and want to punch them in the face...but for real it takes everything I have to not hit them...anyways this world is full of cheaters people who cheat to get higher in a company...or favoritism...bosses you give someone else somethin cause they are their favorite....I work my ass off in everything I do and play fair and never get ahead or win...I am starting to think maybe I have to cheat to get somewhere...even tho I know it would be wrong but eh its workin for others....another thing that bugs me...is when someone at work says eh thats the way it is...you cant change it...its always been that way...hell no...thats not the way it is thats the way you have made it...and I can so change it...it doesnt have to stay that way...wow this world is goint o shit cause of cheaters and people who hate change or have no ambition...sorry about all the swears but I am tellin it like it is...and the way its in my head...well thats all I have to say for now

Season

I am in a season of I dont care...of I am stressed all the time...and of I am happy to be on my own...times like this people hate cause I never want to do anything but like the first part said I dont care...I want to back out of prior commitments and just do nothing and I think I might just do that...well this is where I am just so you all know...enjoying the peace that I find here...and no where else.

A year

Well this year has been pretty interesting so far...and with a month left I have taken some time to look through old stuff and see where I was a year ago...I found somethin that I had written about a year ago I thought I would share:

Life is so confusing one minute you could be the happiest person ever the next minute the rage takes over. This rage just creeps up and grabs you and then you dont want to be where you are anymore all you want is to be alone. This is how it feels it climbs up from you feet to your head and covers you. You get all hot and shaky. Then it all begins your fists clench and you want to hit someone. So you have to leave before something gets out of hand. So you go into a quiet room by yourself and you just want to scream and let it all loose. You just want to fight and punch something. Everything is all spinning and you cant think so clearly its not getting better but worse by the minute. You want to run and you want to hide. Thats the anger that I feel. It is painful inside. It hurts because you dont want to feel this way, you want to feel the love that God has for you, you want to feel joy and be happy. But thats not how it always is.

Yeah well anger still controls my life and so I got thinkin if I was dealin with this a year ago why am I still dealin with it...the answer is I wont let it go...so here it is God...I am letting it go and you need to help me with it...and so do you friends...I am goin to try and do this but I need help from you guys...Amanda you know what to do...and thanx for the help you have already given me.

Good day

Ok so I have this draft of a blog on here about a movie I saw the other night Stranger than fiction...it was a great movie but I havent finished that blog cause well its just not comin to me...so I have decided to write this one...with new and fresh ideas...well today has been an amazing day and I had a good time...pretending to be in Hawaii...looking for elephants and just plain old bein a kid...it was a great day....and well it ended in a good laugh and some words from God...well let me tell you this has been an awesome day...I literally changed my day by saying it is goin to be a good one...and you know what life does happen...and shit will always happen...but its how you react...its how you decided to be that day that determines what its goin to do to you...so this is Nikki and this is my year...and I will be more than a conquer...cause I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...and you can too

Tis the season

Ok I have been havin writers block and my mind has been else where...its not really here...and I have figured why I think. Christmas is my favorite holiday for only one reason...its the time of year when I remember what Jesus did for me...what God did for me...just what was done for me...thats the only reason I love Christmas...Jesus died a brutal death for me and He knew He had to so that I could live...that is truly amazing...and the reason for the season...is to celebrate Jesus's birthday. Now the reasons why I hate Christmas is I have to get together with my family and hear them fight all day and nothing ever goes right and no body gets along...I hate fighting so much I hate arguments..and it really goes deep with me...and I cringe if I get in an argument with my friends or they get into one with each other...it goes deeper then people think...thats all my family does...All I want for Christmas this year is for everyone to get along...I want a Christmas I will never forget one so incrediable that it ends up in my good memory books thats what I want for Christmas...when december hits I cringe.

The other reason why I dont like this season is its so commercial...its all about who can give the best gift or what you get out of it...havent you already gotten the best gift ever JESUS GAVE HIS LIFE...yeah that is the best gift anyone can give...I hate that people are always like well I dont have the money or I cant get you somethin amazing...who cares...to me a gift could be a gum wrapper if that gum wrapper means somethin to me and you I will keep and I will keep it forever...thats what its about...Jesus loved us so we can show love...show someone you love them this year...show them how much you appreciate them and all they do for you...rock their world...have we forgotten what its all about? Most of all show God how much you love Him and how much you appreciate what He did for you.

Diversity

Well its saturday and normally I would have slept in till noon or later but not today I had to go to a workshop at my work this morning. Now when I thought about this workshop I was like oh great another boring thing I have to sit through and listen...well that was not the case...this workshop was about diversity. We are tryin to be a daycare centre of diversity...now that just doesnt mean skin color but also means abilities and religion and even your upbringing....I learned a lot of this in college when I was there but there was some new and interesting thoughts that I learned today as well...so it wasnt a waste of my time and I really enjoyed it....but there were times today when I was a lil distracted and just sat and thought...and thats what I want to write about.

Dictionary.com says that diversity means
1.the state or fact of being diverse; difference; unlikeness.
2.variety; multiformity.
3.a point of difference.

So now lets look at this we are all different in my group of friends I see so many differences and its amazing...We did a few activities that got me thinking today about diversity ok so we as staff made a paper quilt...she gave us markers and a piece of construction paper and said draw what is important to you...well the first thing that popped into my head was God...how...how could I draw God on paper...so I drew three crosses and the one that Jesus died on I drew thorns and blood on it...and then I drew snow...that represents God to me...the next thing I thought of was my friends...so I drew three friends...ha ha and you should see they are awesome drawings...then the last thing I thought of was my family so I drew my family...then I looked at other peoples papers...and one of our co workers is from bosnia and she drew the earth and an airplane and then she drew Medicine Hat and Bosnia and drew arrows it was really cool and others drew their kids and stuff and it was really neat to see what was important to others in my work...kinda brought us together more...then we did the orange game...now this is a cool game...she gave us oranges and said get to know your orange...and so we did...then she out them back in the bowl and said no find your orange...and we all did...because we got to know what the outside looked like and they all had there little differences...then she said now if we were to peal them and put them back into the bowl would you know which one was yours...the answer would be no cause they are the same...the activity was to represent that we are all different on the outside but in reality we were all the same...cool eh...well my day was not a waste and I got to think about a movie I just watched.

You, Me and Dupree now I dunno if you have seen this movie but its stinkin hilarous and I love it...in this movie Dupree talks about your "ness" the part that is truly you...and to make a long story short he ends up to become a motivational speaker on "How to discover your ness" its pretty funny. Anyways I got thinking about it and we need to find our "ness" we need to find that little bit that is us and no one else...well yeah so like I said before God talks to me through movies cause He knows I will pay attention...anyways friends...think about things I said...next time you see someone who is different then you accept them for who they are...and maybe try to get to know them...I dunno sounds a little crazy and out of our comfort zone but you might end up learning somethin interesting that you never knew before...and last thing I want to say is discover your "ness" find that little thing inside of you that is you...you are amazing in your own way and you all have an amazing destiny and purpose...you just need to open up your eyes and see it.

Welcome Home Jello

For those of you who dont know Jello is Jelea...and she was in Thailand for two months but is now home...cant wait to hear your stories...and see the pics...love ya.

Violence

I brought work home so I could do it...but I decided writing a blog would be more fun...ha ha prcrastination I know...thats how I got through college...anyways...

What I want to write about is somethin that disturbs me...somethin I have a heart for...its children and youth....I read an article last night about a murder that a 17 year old had done...and the article was talkin about who's fault it is...and they looked at the parents at society and even the "friends" who cheered the fight on...yes it may have been all these people's fault but...we have given the enemy a key into our youths lives and we need to take it back...we have let him come in with alcohool, drugs and violence...its time to change that...its time to turn tables over...its time to be a revolutionary...its time.

Now people blame media and video games and all that stuff but I dont think its that...yes it could play a factor...but the children who lived in war times werent as violent as children today...and those children saw real violence...children back in the day saw real murder and real blood...not the fake type you see on tv...they saw real guns and stuff and they were not a violent generation...but todays generation of children yes they are...I work with two year olds and at that age they are already beating on their "friends"...it blows my mind on how young someone can start being violent...we need to pray and fight for the children of this world...it disturbs me that we let it get this far that children are murdering people...not too long ago in my own city...a child killed her family...now how did this happen? And why did we let it get this far? It takes a village to raise a child...so stop blaming parents and do your part.

One day at a time

Well just wanted to leave a short note sayin I am livin one day at a time..and thats how it is...I wake up and talk to God and say what I want go on with my day...and if it sucks I go to bed that night wake up and say its a brand new day...and I can try it again...mhmm thats how I am goin to live....well yeah thats just a thought for you all...I am goin to untie a colt everyday or at least try...and if I dont feel like it I know Amanda will kick me in the a** so its all good

Another Chapter

Ok so I went on a road trip to Edmonton last weekend and I wanted to wait to write that blog till I went to ENR this weekend cause I knew somehow they would tie together...and well they kinda did...God is fricken amazing is what I have to say...well here goes whats goin on in my life right now...

So Edmonton was a great road trip but not what I had expected...I thought my three friends and I were goin to have this amzing road trip that nothing went wrong in...thats not how it went...dont get me wrong it was amazing...and God was defintily there...so we set off and video taped the trip and that was sweet...then we went shopping and all day I felt tension and to be honest didnt want to be around my friends I was frustrated but not really at them just frustrated...the crazy part is that everyone felt that way...so that night we prayed and worshipped and it was great God was defintily there...then the next day we went to church and it talked about these paths we choose and it pretty much said I was relational and I knew that I see and hear God through relationships I have...so lets skip right to monday when we were leavin...I was gettin upset...cause for those of you who dont know this...I want to live in Edmonton and have wanted to for the past four years...but God keeps sayin no...so in the car this is what I wrote:

Why? Familier faces, familier ways home is here, home is unattainable to me. Go back to where I reside but its not home. They say home is where the heart is, my heart is here. Leaving where I want to be , complete peace, complete existance. This place needs the life I carry within me. Life is at the place where I reside. But at home there is no life, there is no hope but faceless beings walking the streets so blind to the truth. Here I go again leaving my heart behind my body goes to the place I reside my heart stays at home. Why dont I stay you ask? Because there is a higher calling for me in the place I reside...in the place I belong. Someday my heart and body will reunite untill then they will just visit...my heart waits on the edge for the day He says go. No one knows what I carry within, no one knows what my heart longs for, no one knows the desires...the desire to be here and never leave...to change this world...I have already changed mine, I have already stretched it, I want a new challenge...time for adventure time to go back to the place thats familier...why is the new and unfamilier so familier? Why is this home? How is it possible I feel alive in this place? As I leave this place I leave my heart and take my body to where I reside.

Ok so I wrote that and asked God why Edmonton is on my heart...I believe that its a place to keep in prayer and maybe someday down the road I am to live there...right now I am called to Medicine Hat..and dont take that the wrong way...I LOVE my city. Ok so the road trip was a blast and we all got closer with each other..and it is one for the memory books.

Now this weekend at ENR there was a staff retreat and I went and well it was ver laid back which was awesome...but some cool stuff happened this weekend...mostly all today...so I am terrified of horses right..well I conquered a fear today...not only did I ride a horse...but I went on a stinkin trail ride...ok so that was a first time I have done this and it was scary but awesome at the same time..I felt God with me the whole time..and at one point my eyes started welling up with tears...I had fun and I did somethin new and I said no to fear...yes there were a few times when I almost sh** my pants...but it was great and I would do it again...then Pastor Landon who is an amazing person spoke tonight on somethin that hit me hard the one line that stuck out to me was...God will put you somewhere you are unsure so you will walk in faith...it was like God planned that stinkin horse ride to teach me about what I was to hear in the evening...I was unsure so I used faith...and succeeded...hmm interesting God makes me laugh..and just think I didnt actaully want to go to the staff retreat ha ha I know why I went now. Ohh and the moment when I felt a real fathers love today...was when Landon came up to me and hugged me and told me he loved me and was proud of me and he kissed me on the forehead...then when I was leavin tonight he said it again and hugged me and kissed me on the forehead and at that moment I felt what having a dad felt like...it truly was amazing...I get a little upset when friends talk about their dads...but really I love it cause all the good things they say about their dads I get to see characteristics of God and it helps me to understand Him more...yeah I am havin a good day.

Life is getting intersting to me..and things are changing and I am growing...also I am showing the real Nicole...and I love every minute of it...I like this person she is goin to stay out...turn the page God

"Real" Adult

Hmmm...my blog is not what I thought it was goin to be about...I was goin to write about my amazing weekend..and was goin to tell you about new friends, road trips..and memories that last longer then time...but thats not what I will write about...I will tell you all about my weekend in my next blog somethin else is on my mind.

Have you ever had those moments where you realize you are actually a grown up and you feel like one...well as I was walking in my house starbucks cup in one hand and a book in the other...wearing dress pants and a nice shirt...into a house that I pay rent in and no sign of a parent lives here...I felt like a "real" grown up...then I proceeded up the stairs to make some food that not only did I pay for but I like it all...I am 23 years old and actually feel it for once...I am done college and have a well paying job...my bills are all paid and I have money from one paycheck to another...no more living from paycheck to paycheck anymore...life is great...now I am not saying this to brag I am just saying the impossible has become possible...and its really exciting to me...God is incredable...He teaches lessons and takes us through things that we never thought we would go through...I have been an adult for 5 years now and for the first time actually feel like one...its crazy...ok so enough about that rant...some of you may say ha ha you arent an adult...but I am and I do act like one...cause I know how to have fun but I am also very responsible and I know that...this is the first time I am confident in myself...I know I am an adult and no one can take that away from me...well goodnight friends...its time for me to go to bed so I can function at work tomorrow...Be Blessed Friends.

Funny how God works...

Ok its like 1:30 am and I was in bed thinkin I tend to do a lot of thinkin before I fall asleep...but I thought of somethin amazing and had to get it on here...ok so before I went to ENR this summer I had two amazing friends that I talked to and hung out with all the time...Jelea and Mary...well then it turned out Mary was heading back to Ontario cause that is where her job was takin her so I thought well thats how my life works God brings me great people and takes them away...then I went to the ranch and while I was there met amazing people who I considered my ENR family and it was awesome...when I came home at the end of the summer I was prayin for friends that could be like a family to me...so as the days were goin by we were counting the days untill Jelea went to Thialand for two months like I said people leave my life all the time...so I prayed for an amazing friend...that I could confide in...I prayed for a few friends that could be a family...and well that leads to my life right now...after I came home from the ranch I met a friend named Amanda(Hazzard, Danger Zone, Crick, Manny...you know whatever we call her at the time) She has been stinkin amazing in my life...she was the friend I was praying for...we can talk about anything and I mean anything...and she calls me on things when I need it...she gives me that kick in the A** so yeah I love her...but I was like God wouldnt it be great if I had a family of friends like at the ranch...well then a friend of mine that I had awhile back came back into my life Heather...she is also amazing no matter how long it takes for her to get somethin she does eventually get it...then I made another friend who I knew who this person was just never hung out with him...Cody a guy with many dreams and ideas about life that you always learn somethin from...God gave me my family of friends...the four of us have been hangin out a lot lately...these are people that I am real around and feel safe around...its the same feeling I had at the ranch...I love just being around them even in the silent moments when no one has anything to say...I love it...they are my family and will always be in my heart...God gave me what I needed...I dunno why I worried so much...some days I am like so God when are you takin them away from me...and He is like not anytime soon so enjoy this...can anyone say TRIBAL

Naked and Unashamed

Ok this blog was goin to be somethin different but...for some reason I feel like writing about somethin else...what I was goin to talk about is how today we went on a photoshoot and had a blast and I was goin to talk about me changing in the praries (by that I mean taking my shirt off to wash the mud off) and how I was bein real with God with my feelings so I was naked and unashamed but...this is not goin to be about that experiance.

Naked and unashamed is a feeling I have had all day...I dropped my mask and hung out with the three best people in the world today....I was me...all I can say is this is a start of somethin amazing and I will always have these three people in my heart...the four of us are takin over the world...and the devil doesnt like it...I can see that...he is gettin his weapons ready but what he doesnt know is...we serve a BIG God who is standing all around us...He has our back...we can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us...ALL things not just some but ALL...yes I love my friends...I love what God has given me...three people I can be me around without a hint of hiding...I dont have to hide around these people and its the best feeling ever...ha ha I am in a great mood right now and its 1:35am and I still have to get up for church but who cares...God is all over me and all over my room...tonight my friends told me a verse...The wicked are overthrown and no more, but the house of the righteous will stand Proverbs 12:7....for some reason that verse makes me smile and want to run to my Daddy's arms and never let go...I know something happend tonight but I am not sure what it was...but God is with me...my Daddy reigns...

Grumbling

Ok for real you know what annoys me most...people who complain about the weather...people complain about the heat people complain about the cold...people complain about rain people complain about snow. I love the weather I dont care what it is I am thankful I am able to see it...I am able to feel it...and I am able to talk about it. Thank you Jesus for giving me senses...thank you so much for all five I have thank you. This is on my mind because it snowed today and people were complainin some not because of snow...some because of cold...and some well because it just doesnt benefit them...if God wants it to snow it will snow. But snow means so much more to me...God made me a promise with the snow that I will never forget...and it actually upsets me when people complain about snow...because it means so much more to me...

Who am I living for?

PERFECT
By: Simple Plan

Hey Dad
Look at me,
Think back and talk to me.
Did i grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
Doin' things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you dissaprove all along.
And now I tried hard to make it,
I just want to make you proud.
I'm never gonna be good enough for you,
And you cant change me

*Chorus*
Cuz we lost it all,
Nothing lasts forever.
I'm sorry i cant bePerfect
Now its just too late,
And we cant go back.
I'm sorry I cant be
Perfect

I try not to think about the pain i feel inside,
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All days you spent with me
Now seem so far away,
And it feels like you don't care anymore
I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud.
I'm never gonna be good enough for you.
I cant stand another fight,
And nothings alright

*Chorus*

Nothings gonna change the things that you said,
Nothings gonna make this right again.
Please dont turn your back,
I can't believe its hard just to talk to you
but you dont understand

*Chorus* X 2
Now its just too late,
And we cant go back
I'm sorry i can't be
Perfect

This is one of my fav songs....it makes me think who am I living for. Everyday of my life I am living and succeeding so that my mom can see that I can do it...so that my mom can see I am not goin to end up like her...so that my mom can live through me...I do it for her...in the end what do I end up with somethin else that she is dissapointed in me for...I have always screwed up at somethin...nothin is ever good enough...I want to do it...I want to be successful so that she can be proud...I have heard it...on my birthday the best present she gave me...was sayin "I love you and I am proud of you" that was the best gift I could ever recive...but I am still waking up everyday and proving to her I can do it...who do I live for? Is it my mom? Do I live for myself? Or do I live for Jesus? Or do I live for the world? What am I tryin to prove? Am I showin Jesus in all that I do? I want to show Jesus...but in the process I want to show people that I can do it...and I will show them...I am determined...I am motivated...I am moved...watch me go...watch me do it...watch me grow...

Broken and Misunderstood

Why is it? Why is it when I am upset or passionate about somethin...no one understands? I am passionate about life and people becoming who God called them to be...I want to catipult them into their destiny. I am called to speak destiny and purpose into people's lives but why? Why am I misunderstood? I know that I am supposed to let God do the work...but some times I feel like He is takin too long...I long for God to move...but feel like He isnt...I love to see people grow....but I feel like they are shrinking. I know what you are goin to tell me..in God's timing Nikki...He will do it...we cannot take stuff on ourselves...I have heard it all before and still I refuse to see my friends die...I know some of you are thinking I should take my own advice and listen to you...no more lecturing I know...I know what I am doing and I know what you want to say to me...but there is one thing I want to know...why am I misunderstood? The last two days my life has changed huge..I am not the same Nikki you all know...I am me. I am looking through different eyes...when I am in a group it feels like I am standing on the outside of my body and watchin you all...and myself...watchin how things work and how people react and whats goin on...and I am seeing things different then everyone else...I am seein them with different eyes...its like I woke up one mornin and put different eyes in...I see through the masks and the fakeness...I see the pain and the happiness...I see you...I see the world...its spinning so slow I see the flowers grow...I know there is snow and the flowers are dead...but I see them...with my new eyes...dont worry guys this blog was not written under the influence of any kind...its really how I feel...the world is slow and I can see it...everything is in slow motion...you know why...because I took a chance to stop and smell the flowers...